High Thread - Page 836

M is pretty conflicted internally; needs to reevaluate his values and morals.

Responsible drug use is fucking amazing, M has been a firm believer. He has had a drug testing kit since forever which could test for purity and classes of drugs, to ensure whatever he gets is what was advertised. Moreover, he treats each new drug as a potential lethal allergen, and tests minuscule amounts through various routes of administration before gradually upping the dosage. Lastly, he tries his best to prevent the development of a heavy tolerance to any psychoactive substance, either rotating different things weekly or binge then quit cold turkey for a month or so.

Also, his connections with the chem students has allowed to him synthesize or extract certain things in the lab, which has been a godsend.

M has tried pretty much everything you can name in his short 2-year psychonautic career. So far, the only physical addictions he had to battle were from extremely powerful opiate and stimulant euphoriants, and of course, cigarettes. M is proud to say that from the hellish withdrawal experiences he has quit the former. However, the dilemma of psychological craving for more powerful things still remain to an overwhelming degree.

M is not currently tolerant to anything except for MJ and cigarettes, but his desire to chase the absolutely epic feelings of invincibility, ecstasy and enlightening empathy is overpowering his good sense to abstain. If drugs were legal, accessible, and accepted like cigarettes and alcohol, M would fucking do SOMETHING everyday - that's just who M is, and he accepts this fact. However, the current problem of strong spousal disapproval combined with the difficulty of obtaining things due to various factors has started to make him think about the role of chems in his future.

M hasn't done anything heavier than MJ in the past 5 months; he is completely clean and functional, getting by in grad school and relationships smoothly. He knows he should be fucking happy; but he isn't, and far from it. There is noticeable anhedonia and apathy evident; sex, gaming, music, partying, socializing, etc. just aren't the same with sobriety. So far M has had the good sense to exercise painful self-control because he loves his GF and needs to be productive, but he knows that deep down, he values the heavenly chemical highs more than he values anything else.

Part of M still possesses some sense of morality, and this part of him tells him that he doesn't need drugs to live a somewhat enjoyable life, that in order to make his career and relationships work, he needs to stay away (binges and comedowns really fuck with life even if you quit cold turkey a few days later).

Another part of him is completely okay with all of this; he fucking knows that NOTHING in life will ever feel as good as the chem highs, a fact that people who've never tried drugs will never understand. It doesn't matter that the best feelings on earth are clearly chemically fake and fabricated, because well, they fucking FEEL so real when you experience them. One could argue all they want about true enlightening and euphoric moments in life (i.e., discovering religion, having epiphanies in things that interest them, experiencing true love, etc.), but the cold fact is simply that these moments do not even begin to compare with the ecstatic and mind expandning experiences he has had on chems - if an enjoyable life experience is like jacking off to one's imagination, then the same enjoyable life experience on CHEMS is like actually fucking whoever you want in the world.

Sometimes M appreciates his life circumstances which have given rise to his psychonautic experiences, but other times M wonders if he's ruined and wrecked for life since he can never soberly enjoy life as much as the chem newbie. It's not like M is writing all of under the influence or while in withdrawal, in fact M has thought about this so much over the past few weeks in sobriety and so far he is still morally dumbfounded. Fuck, for Christ's sake, M has been sober for almost half a year, and he even had his dopamine and serotonin levels tested a month ago to make sure what he's experiencing isn't just temporary that will gradually subside with more time.

Sigh, it looks like M will never be free from the best highs in life, and the sooner he accepts that fact the better off he will be. M has enough discipline to never end up on the streets (quit cold turkey powerful opiates multiple times after short binges, has never been physically addicted to something for longer than 2 weeks), so he will probably always be that guy who pops that MDMA pill on the odd work day and snort up in the bathroom after a big project