EPT
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All the players in this current OSL now have one game under their belts. ProGaming
uniforms don’t have belts, because while belts have utility, they are tacky as hell. What I
did just now was use a “figure of speech”, wherein I say something that isn’t literally true,
but alludes to something that is. Now that every player has battled once, I can put
together a brilliant evaluation of their performance and potential to win OSL. I do this by
thinking for a long time, thinking really hard. I just sit in front of my computer and I
think. I hold my head in my hands, and sometimes I cry, and the answers come to me.
This will be my legacy, the most accurate OSL article in the history of time. I’m in tune
with my Chi and I’m inside the players’ minds (this is another figure of speech). In this
article I will examine each player and deduce their potential to win this OSL. Let’s begin!
GROUP A
Bisu:
Bisu is a two-time MSL winner, but has been knocked out of every OSL he’s ever
qualified for. He wins his games by shooting elastic bands at his opponent during the
game. Through much practice and dedication, he has developed flawless aim and can
remove a player’s eye in one graceful maneuver. Then, playing with no depth perception,
his opponent’s movements fall short or overshoot every time, and Bisu cleans up. Bisu’s
first game was against GGPlay, and many people think this was a strong win for Bisu. I
know better. The secret here, despite GGPlay’s eye-shielding spectacles, is that GGPlay
already has GG in his name. No matter what happens during the match, GGplay
automatically forfeits. Since one of his other opponents wears glasses, Bisu can only win
two games in his group stage, but will advance.
OSL Potential: 8
GGPlay:
GGPlay is like an innocent bystander at the scene of a drive-by shooting. He’s caught in
the wrong place at the wrong time, with the wrong name. GGPlay’s startling ignorance
towards the new rules of OSL, that state “Any form of GG given at any time is a binding
surrender”, leaves him with lead in his brainpan, bleeding to death on the sidewalk.
Nobody walks over to help. Nobody calls the police. This is Gangland, shit happens
every day. I grew up on these streets. My father was a gangbanger, running stolen Nike
shipments for the mob. When I was a child, he was gunned down by a group of
basketball enthusiasts. As I knelt over his bleeding corpse I had an epiphany; I realized
that GGPlay could never win more than one OSL.
OSL Potential: -15
Sea.Up
Sea.Up, aka UpMagic, aka UpWithMiniskirts, aka Felchmaster aka Farnsworth
Pennyweather William Featherington, Esq., has qualified for OSL before. I watched his
game against Shudder and it became clear to me that Up is a player who will always,
ALWAYS choose a safe, neutral build order over a flashy style win. Up is the definition
of solid, with rock-hard defensive play all day every day. This method of playing is a
result of Up’s UpBring.. bringing… Sea.bring… uhhh… childhood. Up’s father is a
brick wall (I am not using a ‘figure of speech’ here, I mean this literally, and if you
disagree I WILL KILL YOU), which meant that things around the UpMagic household
were solid. Up will go far in this tournament using his excellent defensive play, but
I wish he could pull some tricks out once in a while.
OSL Potential: 35
Shudder_V_
Shudder is terrified 24/7, all day every day, all the time. When he sits down to play he is
caught in throes of utter terror. He fears the keyboard, he fears the announcers, he fears
his own mortality. Hell, he ought to fear his own mortality, because his OSL trip will be
short-lived. I have seen into the future through ancient Arcane practices, and I have seen
Shudder’s end after the OSL group stage. After losing his second and third games,
Shudder will faint, and never wake up. If only his name was Fearless_V_.
OSL Potential: 0
GROUP B
Iris
Iris used to be the ugliest man alive. Part of his CJ Entus uniform was a paper bag for his
face, and for the first part of his career he wasn’t even permitted eyeholes. Through the
magic of television makeup and plastic surgery, Iris has become presentable, even
endearing. I can only imagine the man-hours that went into spackling his jawline. At
any rate, newly beautiful Iris will run a train on the competition. He has conquered the
ugly stick for his own use, and will mercilessly beat down even the prettiest foe. Ever
since Iris was allowed to cut small holes in his paper bag so he could see what he was
doing, there has been a marked improvement in his play. Now, without any facial
equipment, Iris is as strong as he’s ever been. The lesson we can learn here is that
nothing matters except who is pretty. This lesson applies to every area of life, including
United States presidential elections, where stone cold fox George Bush Jr won over saggy
trolls Kerry and Gore in consecutive years.
OSL Potential: 86
Light
Light’s arch-nemesis Dark isn’t in this OSL, so Light won’t have much trouble crushing
his group. Iris is a flower, July isn’t a tangible object, and I have no fucking idea what a
Hwasin is. This player’s success is a testimonial for the power of the Church. In a land
of strife and religious dissent, one man stands proud and true. He got his name from the
constant shimmering light that emanates from his being. He exudes holiness like a
lawyer exudes hair gel; from the top of his head, coating everything around him. Light’s
piety is all-encompassing, he begins each game with a sacrifice and a holy cleansing of
the venue. To avoid burning in the pits of hell for all eternity, imps tearing at my flesh
and the Devil cackling like a maniacal crow, I’ll name Light as a favourite to win OSL.
OSL Potential: 666
July
July was three months ago. This player’s presence is merely a calendar error on OGN’s
part, and will not be forgiven. T1 coach accidentally sent July instead of October, and
won’t have a chance to correct his mistake in November, because July will be out of OSL
by then.
OSL Potential: hahahahaha no
Hwasin
If you re-arrange the letters in “Hwasin”, you get “In wash”. To me, this says this player
is still developing his cleanliness as well as his StarCraft skill. Until his name changes to
Ringdy or something else containing those letters, I don’t think he can win this OSL. A
lot of this has to do with the fact that it’s very hard to macro with wet fingers and your
hair wrapped in a towel. Considering the bathroom theme of this section I’m really
uncomfortable with the nickname “Red Sniper”, so I don’t want Hwasin to go very far.
Fortunately, I see all the angles, I know everything, and I know Hwasin can’t win.
OSL Potential: -485
GROUP C
Stork
Stork is a grinning nerd with bad teeth and ugly hair. He wears dinosaur suits and shits in
bushes. He loses games to every zerg in the world. He makes shadow puppets with his
hands and they’re really bad, come on Stork that doesn’t even look like a dog. I know
you got a mouth moving or something but it looks more like a reptile, and if you extend
the fingers on your other hand it doesn’t look like a deer, it looks like some horrid lizard-
dog with a freaky hairdo. Shadow puppets aside, Stork is named after a bird famous for
carrying little babies around. There is probably a warrant for Stork’s arrest, and if there
isn’t, I need to call Seoul police HQ and tell them I know how to solve every missing
children case in the city. Stork is about as lovable as a cadaver, but slightly better at
StarCraft. Slightly.
OSL Potential: 0.000001
Jaedong
Jaedong is a cute lil’ munchkin. Every day he wakes up and his mother bakes him
cornmeal muffins for breakfast. He washes it down with a glass of milk, and sweetly
pecks his mother on the cheek, saying “Thank you mother for a lovely breakfast.” Of all
the things I’ve seen while hiding in some trees with a pair of binoculars, this is by far the
most endearing. Jaedong is possibly the nicest boy in the world, his cheeks are ever red
from being pinched by infatuated adults. You just want to gobble him up so you can shit
rainbows for a week. Jaedong is the most polite zerg I’ve ever seen, in that he always
says “Pardon me” when he walks into someone’s main, and he always expands on his
own side of the map. Through this revolutionary pleasantness, Jaedong will go far in this
OSL, and gain a plethora of fans in the process. Young fans, and grandmothers alike.
OSL Potential: 500
DarkElf
For this section I’ve allowed guest writer Sonuvbob to express his feelings. Take it away,
Sonuvbob!
”Thank you Steve, and may I simply say that I am ever so lucky to be in your presence,
and I wish I was you every day of my life.
I don’t know much about anything, but I know what I like. What I like is Elves. Elves of
all shapes and sizes, colors, magic powers. I love elves that make cookies, elves that
build toys, elves that dance nude in the forest, and elves that play StarCraft. I have no
idea what is going on around me at any time of day, because I have several crippling
mental disorders, but I fucking LOVE pointy ears and magic tricks. When I think of
DarkElf I think “Magic terran who bakes cookies and dances nude”. I especially enjoy
the ‘dancing nude’ part, as anyone who has read my slash fanfics will know. Someday I
hope to caress DarkElf’s chin with my hand, delicately, so as not to harm him, and let
him know that everything is right in the world. I want him to know that I love him,
tenderly, with all my heart. Then there, in the moonlit meadow, I want to make sweet
sexual music with him, until the dawn comes.”
That’s great, Sonuvbob, but what about his OSL chances?
”What’s OSL?”
OSL POTENTIAL: YUCK
Nada
Nada sucks. Nada sucks harder than a black hole. Nada couldn’t win a game if his life
depended on it. Nada couldn’t win a game if YOUR life depended on it, and he’d make a
point to lose extra-fast, because he’s just a really mean guy. Nada puts a thousand
quarters in one of those sacks with the dollar sign on it, and beats homeless people while
shouting “Get a job! Get a job!” Nada only has two fingers, and he is constantly flipping
people off with one of them. Nada’s mind is a twisted well of darkness and despair, and
the second he gains any kind of political power he will invade every country he can until
his nation is in ruins. Then he’ll light a match behind his ass and fart on the ruins, and
giggle. Nada will cease to exist after this OSL. I’m not talking about his career, he will
literally phase out of physical existence after this OSL is complete.
OSL Potential: -500,000
GROUP D
Savior
Savior is the man, baby. That’s what he am, he am a straaaiiiiiight shooter with the
master plan (those are song lyrics this is a parody of a song which has lyrics like this).
Savior is the son of God. When he plays against Light, he automatically wins, as Light
falls to his knees and prays to the messiah. Savior is going to win OSL because he’s the
best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be (- Brett “The Hitman”
Hart, 1998). He plays with such force and grace that his opponents have nothing to say
but “AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa *thunk*” (- Owen Hart, 1999). Was that in poor
taste? YOU are in poor taste. Ma Jae Yoon for president.
OSL Potential: One Million
By.Flash
I hate children more than I hate the sun. Someday, I’ll kill two birds with one stone. By
launching every child into the sun, I’ll deal critical damage and defeat it forever. I’m
here you giant celestial bastard, I’m not afraid. I have my pagan gods with me, let me
show my contempt for you by dancing and chanting around a bonfire. Flash is going to
get crushed by anyone and everyone, and then be disciplined with a spanking. Children
should be at home doing homework and tugging on mama’s apron.
OSL Potential: -3993
Rock
IF YA SMELLLLELELLELELELLELELELELELELLELELELELELELELELLELELELELE
LLELELELELLELELELELELELELELELELELLELELELELELELELELELLELELE
LELELLELELELELLELELELELELELLELEL
…how bad Rock stinks. This guy is the worst protoss in the world, and someday he will
die a broken, defeated man. I don’t know what the living conditions are over at WeMade
house, but Rock acts like he lives in a cave, spearing mammoths with his caveman
friends for sustenance. I don’t even know how he sees the computer screen past his
primitively protruding brow. Rock doesn’t say “GG”, he says “ooga booga”.
OSL Potential: ROCK MAKE FIRE
Frozean[Name]
This guy can’t even spell his name right. I don’t know how he got into Name clan, who
are notorious for correctly spelling their own names. Frozean did the impossible recently,
making vultures with his keyboard. As you all know, keyboards don’t contain a capital V,
the required hotkey for vultures. All keyboards contain only lower-case v, so I have no
idea how he made this happen. The conclusion I have come to (and I am never, EVER
wrong), is that as well as being stupid, Frozean is a cheater. Soon OGN will find out
about his upper-case V misdeeds, and will act accordingly. Frozean has no chance to win
OSL, and will most likely wind up bleeding out in a ditch after being thrown from an
OGN media van.
OSL Potential: death
By looking at the OSL Potential rating, which is a very accurate and VERY scientific
method (I even wore a labcoat while I wrote this), we can tell that Savior will easily win
OSL. If you want to argue about it we can fucking argue in the ring. See you at
Wrestlemania.
LOVE,
FAKESTEVE
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