EPTBIBBIT frantically pulls into the driveway of a house and rushes out. There are police cars and officers everywhere. BIBBIT runs towards the CHIEF.
BIBBIT: I got here as quickly as I could, what’s going on?
CHIEF: A man has killed his wife and is now holding a second person hostage.
BIBBIT: Well duh. Else you wouldn’t have called a hostage negotiator. I meant about the traffic out there, it’s nasty!
CHIEF: It’s no time for jokes. Just do your job. The man’s name is Greg Grimes and we believe the hostage is his own daughter, Christi.
BIBBIT: Wow, that’s so awful.
CHIEF: Which is exactly why you need to take this seriously.
BIBBIT: Oh I was talking about his name actually. No wonder he snapped!
The CHIEF gives BIBBIT a mean look and hands him a megaphone.
BIBBIT (into megaphone): Greg Grimes! Yo momma so -
CHIEF elbows BIBBIT hard in the sides, BIBBIT turns off the megaphone.
BIBBIT: Guy, what is your deal?
CHIEF: My deal? What the hell are you doing?
BIBBIT: Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry. I just get real nervous around megaphones, always have since I was a little girl.
An angry vein now appears in CHIEF’s forehead.
CHIEF: You were never a - Why would you - Whatever. I’m told you’re one of the best in the business, for the love of Jesus please show me why.
A gunshot is heard from inside. BIBBIT quickly calls GREG GRIMES on a phone. GREG answers.
BIBBIT: What’s going on in there?!
GREG: Just reminding you that I do indeed have a gun. Christi’s still alive but you need to stop dicking me around here.
BIBBIT: I understand. Look, I know you’re real upset about how totally stupid your name is but -
GREG: Wait, what?
BIBBIT: Well that’s what this is about right? Your ridiculous, awful name?
GREG pauses for a moment.
GREG: I don’t know what you’re talking about but I do know I said very clearly to stop dicking me around. You’re leaving me no option here.
CHRISTI is heard screaming.
BIBBIT: Wait! If you hurt her, there’s no way you make it out of here alive. That means you won’t get a chance to change your frankly embarrassing name.
GREG: It’s not that bad! … Is it?
BIBBIT: It, like, totally is. Like you don’t even know. If you die like this, popular high school kids the world over will be laughing at you snidely.
There’s a moment of silence as GREG considers this.
GREG (sighs): What do I have to do?
BIBBIT: Just come out peacefully with your daughter and we can get started on the paperwork for your name change ASAP.
GREG: But won’t I get arrested?
BIBBIT: Oh yeah, of course. What with the murder and hostage and such. You know how it is. But trust me, you’re totally better off this way. You can be something way badass, like “Clint Eastwood.”
GREG: Yeah that sounds great!
GREG and CHRISTI come out of the house. The police swarm them. GREG is arrested and CHRISTI is escorted to safety. GREG winks at BIBBIT while CHIEF lies on the ground suffering from a stroke.
+ Show Spoiler +
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