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For those unfamiliar with Twilight, it’s a pre-teen romance about a mormon girl (Kristen Stewart) who is in a love triangle between a kind, nurturing werewolf (Jacob Black), and a jealous, stalker vampire (Cedric Diggory). Guess who wins? I saw the first Twilight movie for kicks, and I was surprised by how dull it was. Two more movies were released, and I haven’t seen them. Breaking Dawn, however, is amazing. I saw this masterpiece on an airplane (I didn’t pay for it, God no). I thought it would help me sleep. But no, this movie is pure gold from start to finish.
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Okay, so the movie starts with Jacob tearing off his shirt and running off into the woods. I believe they filmed the whole movie and realized that Jacob never takes off his shirt anywhere, so they quickly filmed this scene so they could cater to their beloved girl demographic. Anyway, Kristen Stewart and Cedric Diggory are getting married!
Eventually they get to the wedding, and immediately I am struck by the most horrid acting I have ever witnessed. I’ve heard claims that Kristen Stewart is very wooden, but she is nothing – nothing – compared to everyone else (besides Cedric and Jacob who are fine). I don’t know what horrible accident happened to Kristen’s father to make him completely unavailable to emotion, but man I feel sorry for the guy. It must be so difficult to communicate with people when you cannot convey emotions.
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There’s a truly badass sequence where the wedding is all red and white and everything becomes a bloody mess randomly. Then we find out that this was in fact Kristen’s wet dream (at least I assume so because she finds vampires sexually attractive after all). I must say, that is a kickass wet dream. I wish I had wet dreams in such style.
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+ Show Spoiler [Too Far?] +
The actual wedding is incredibly dull. Jacob shows up and asks if they’re going to have sex before Kristen becomes a vampire. This is because vampires are really powerful and Cedric will totally kill her if he has sex with her. Kristen doesn't want to become vampire but she definitely wants sex. Of course the answer is yes, and because Jacob is a decent human being (or a decent werewolf being) this infuriates him. Then Kristen and Cedric head off to their secluded honeymoon spot and begin having sex.
I say ‘begin having sex’ because the “Kristen and Cedric are in love and have lots of sex” thing is established among two different montages and long boring scenes that don’t need to be recounted. Though, there is a scene where Kristen and Cedric play chess (because that’s how you keep warm in Russia). Cedric gets worried and self-loathing because he’s bruising Kristen on her arms and back, but she’s like totally into it so I don’t really understand the problem. They're bruises. Poorly-performed hickeys have more luster than that. Apparently, Cedric is not only a blood-sucking super-strong vampire, but also whiney little pansy.
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Okay, so I need to say something here: Kristen Stewart is hot. And you see a lot of her in this movie. There’s a shot where they show off the embroidery on Kristen’s backless wedding dress, but I don't think people are looking at her dress.
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They cover a good deal of fetishes for Kristen in this movie as well. There’s some good shots of her feet, skinny dipping, bloodplay, pregnancy, whatever you’re into. If I was directing the movie, I’d try to cover all my bases, personally. I’d probably throw in a line for Cedric “When I’m thrusting I push you too far away so I’m going to need to strap you down… and blindfold you. To test the restraints I better spank you.” I don’t know how I’d work in the midget, but I’d find a way.
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So now we are finished with the boring half of the movie. The second half is where this movie gets good. Or horrible. Depends on your point of view.
Kristen Stewart becomes pregnant! The second half of this movie is basically about abortion. You read that right! So if you’re uncomfortable around the topic of abortion (along with, what, 98% of the population?) then this movie isn’t aimed at you.
Okay, so Kristen is having a demon baby. So wait, why is it a demon baby? Cedric has vampiric sperm? Not to mention that I don’t think he’s supposed have blood pumping so how can he have an erection? Whatever. Magic, I suppose. Kristen’s having a demon baby and Cedric is all like “We need to rip that vile demon thing from your body,” and Kristen is all like “But but but it’s my baaaaby.” And then the baby starts breaking her ribs and tearing her apart from the inside and she’s like “But but but it’s my baaaby.”
So all the vampires get together and try to sort things out. And of course by “sort things out” I mean “stand around looking worried” as the baby threatens Kristen’s life more and more. They realize that Kristen is sick (which is represented by acting tired) and suggest that maybe the baby needs blood. So they give Kristen a paper cup with a straw and she drinks blood out of it. I thought they totally botched this scene. It should be waaaay more dramatic. The sweet innocent girl is finally getting her first taste of delicious blood. But it’s out of a straw with all her friends crowded around her. We need latin choruses goddammit! Where’s Jacob tearing off his shirt screaming “NO DON’T DO IT KRISTEN!!!”?
Instead, she’s like “It tastes good,” as if she has never tasted blood before. We all know what blood tastes like. It’s salty. It’s metallic. It’s nothing special. What, do vampires have vampiric taste buds now?
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+ Show Spoiler [YOU DECIDE!] +
It was at this point in the movie that I envisioned a complete re-imagining of the Twilight franchise. What if the whole story is about Jacob, falling in love with this girl, who ends up falling in love with a psychotic stalker involved in a blood cult. As he continues to fight for her love, he eventually gives up and just fights for her life and she gets more and more seduced into the twisted workings of this terrible blood cult. This scene would be the climax, where she’s lost to him forever! Fucking epic!
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So the werewolves all get together and talk about how they’re going to deal with baby. They also talk about politics or some shit that I didn't care about. They do this all in wolf form telepathically. The wolves look really bad. I’m surprised that such a big budget movie has such shitty CGI. I haven’t read the books or seen the other movies, but the telepathy thing also just seems really wacky. Basically, the werewolf scenes look like they’re taken out of a TV-movie for the Sy-Fy channel.
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The point is Jacob and Cedric both agree that Kristen needs to not kill herself giving birth to the demon baby (read that sentence again and tell me that this isn’t the most amazing pre-teen girl movie EVAR!). Kristen Stewart, of course, is all for killing herself for her demon baby. I don’t really know why they don’t just turn Kristen into a vampire so she doesn’t die, because that seems like an obvious solution. But they talk about a lot of random confusing crap so they might have said so somewhere.
Finally the birthing (or spawning in this case) takes place. It’s kind of a confusing scene, as most of it is shot from Kristen’s point of view. But it’s reasonably gruesome, and I’m pretty sure Cedric performs a C-section with his teeth. This is the part where everyone in the theater should say “nom nom nom nom,” because it really is that amazing. So the baby’s name is Renesmee, which is a good name to have along with names like Jacob and Edward. And Kristen’s now Vampire!Kristen.
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Unfortunately, the plane landed after that I didn’t see the rest. Apparently, there’s a scene where Jacob imprints on Renesmee (which is basically magically falling in love). I didn’t see the scene itself but I’m pretty sure it went something like this:
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So that’s why every single one of you should watch Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part I. Come for the 'embroidery,' and stay for the bad CGI, abortion, and pedophilia. Fun for the whole family!
Good Luck and Have Fun!
DoubleReed
