Intelligent. That's an adjective I used to hear a lot in reference to me when I was younger. Before I met Michelle. Michelle's intelligent. She's not math smart or anything like that but the way her mind works, the way she thinks is smart. Very rational, statistical and risk calculating, she doesn't ever make much bad decisions, or any decisions at all for that matter since she's always thinking and reasoning things instead of acting, which in itself could be seen as "bad" decision making by some. Anyways, I like her. We never got romantically involved or anything, I think of us as close friends. Always been close yet apart at the same time.
One night I was lonely and Ashley, a close friend of Michelle reached out to me. We immediately hooked up. At first, since I was alone, she was convenient. Her head was insane, the sex was great. The relationship slowly grew and evolved. We became one. She completed me in some ways, her character was almost the exact opposite of mine. She likes to be in control, she's loud, authoritarian, the dominant type. I'm introspective, I keep to myself a lot, really quiet and mostly passive. Maybe I'm that way because I've been with her for so long and kind of got shaped that way by our relationship ? We've been together since 2003, an ever evolving relationship that's still changing. I'm starting to want to distant myself from her. I'm not really attracted in her anymore, I don't know if I ever was to be honest. She puts me down a lot, she's smart and dominant so I tend to just listen to her and agree most of the time. Even when she tells me I should just give up on everything and just get a job, that I'll never amount to anything and that I'll end up alone if I stay this way. I'm tired of that, I'm tired of her, I want to leave her.
However, I don't wanna end up alone.
I'd like to be with Nicole more than anything else. Sometimes I ask myself if Ashley and Nicole aren't the same, or if they could exist without one another. Maybe it's the relationship that's the same. Their "link" to me seem really similar.
Could I have a shot at Nicole ? Or does she represent some form of unattainable goal to strive for ? Sometimes I think that maybe I should talk to all of this with Michelle. But I don't, because I'm kind of scared of her judgement in a way and because I don't put myself out there like that, like I said, I'm rather reserved. I don't know if I should...
All that I know right now is that I want to be done with Ashley. Maybe taker part of her advice and give up on everything, catch a flight to Korea and reach for the unattainable. Maybe give up with relationships altogether, stick to friendship, Michelle... Maybe Sarah could be a way out as well, a desperate one... But an attainable one, a rational one that both Michelle and Ashley would come to agree with.
Sorry for this rambling, can't install Starcraft 2 for some reason, some problem with the downloader not working, I guess this blog post is the result of boredom and tiredness. Inspired by Exxxes.
And I guess the Exxxes reference wasn't that easy to catch... It's not written literally. I personified feelings and state of minds. Michelle, Ashley and Sarah aren't actual human beings but parts of me. Nicole is actually both a feeling and the person (Jung Nicole). It's just something I thought about while walking today, I wrote it in 5 minutes, probably should have taken more time and polished the idea or maybe it's great that people might not get the underlying message at first, I'm not sure.
It partly is! "Mortified, melancholy, Madness to Michelle, Suicide Sarah". Didn't you notice I used the same names ? It's a very inspiring song. The title, Ashes to Ashley is because I would like to see Ashley burn to ashes.
On July 21 2012 07:09 TuElite wrote: Thanks Kuja, great post. I appreciate that a lot.
I'm 21 years old.
And I guess the Exxxes reference wasn't that easy to catch... It's not written literally. I personified feelings and state of minds. Michelle, Ashley and Sarah aren't actual human beings but parts of me. Nicole is actually both a feeling and the person (Jung Nicole). It's just something I thought about while walking today, I wrote it in 5 minutes, probably should have taken more time and polished the idea or maybe it's great that people might not get the underlying message at first, I'm not sure.
It partly is! "Suicide Sarah, madness to Michelle, Ashes to Ashley". Didn't you notice I used the same names ? It's a very inspiring song.
I thought shenanigans might be going on, but since you started talking about nicole who's a actual person i dismissed the idea of personification of feelings. your fucking 21 years old? stop thinking so much. Life is a game of chess, work hard and put yourself in the right positions. Happiness will follow.
When you insinuate representations of representations it can get really confusing... needlessly confusing.
English is your second language right? Not to be an asshole but try to stay away from such abstract writing, this is very hard to understand even metaphorically and near impossible to fully piece together literally.
That or Exxxes provides such a huge context to this style of writing/expression/thought that it would make sense if you know him/it/whatever. Not knowing anything about Exxxes myself makes this weird.... maybe im the one over thinking it... or maybe i just need to research this Exxxes thing.
hey for your starcraft 2 problem, just copypasta your old sc2 folder (assuming you have it backed up somewhere), you really don't need the blizzard downloader to download it again if you have it on another computer.
EPT
