EPTfor those of you unfamiliar with the whole story check the links above (or not hehe)
I completed my first semester in psycology with relative ease, there were not many distractions when I first moved to the small town where im currently living with my father.
On a side note, this is the third subject I try studying and I think this time I really found something I enjoy, its awesome to study for something you actually enjoy.
Either way, lets get back on topic.
I knew this day would come eventually, I certainly didnt expect it so soon, but then, I guess I was trying to go against my own biology.
After a few months coming to Rio every weekend to see my bf and do theraphy I was feeling very confident, like I was on top of the world in terms of self control.
But there was a dark side to it, deep down I saw little point in having all this recent success if I couldnt manage to smoke a doobie without losing my mind.
And on a parallel side, even tho it was awesome to do well in college and I could visit my bf on the weekends, I felt very alone and empty in the town I now lived, I have practly no friends in there, and our installations are really poor quality, (its not about lack of money, my dad travels all the time and so do I so we dont spend a lot of time improving our temp home).
Suddenly, everything became an excuse to try smoking a joint again.
I knew that I had much more infrastructure now, not only material (I lived so far away from everyone that I could only do it when traveling) but psycological as well.
I felt like this titan who needed to go thro a final test.
How could I really be cured from this addictive disease when all I did was move geographically away from my addiction ?
In the meantime that I stopped seeing my friends and stopped smoking weed, I gained like 20 kilos, and stoped doing almost any kind of exercise, I started playing MMO\\\'s addictively again so it was a anxiety counterbalance I wasant really expecting.
In the beggining when I moved there I wasant even smoking cigarettes but after I started gaining weight I started again trying to balance this anxiety with 0 success.
So one day im visiting Rio again, and me and some friends go eat at the outback, after a little chit chat I discover one of them has like 1 doobie, I make this convincing argument that I should smoke it because its been long time and I need to prove to my self that it doesnt rule my life, I do.
So I smoke it, have a decent time and head home.
Problem is, now everytime I go to Rio I want to smoke a joint, which wasant a big problem on itself, since I go there once a week and it doesnt interferes with my duties in any way shape or form.
But then vacations happened, and I came to my moms house in Rio, and started smoking weed everyday.
I still feel very secure, but I cant help but wonder if this is all a self sabotaging trick.
When the vacations are over ill go back to my small town and study far away from these distractions, but so far I havent done much other than smoking weed and enjoying my days with my friends.
Thankfully I have been able to rein in my relationship with cannabis a lot in these vacations, but still I feel like im gambling with the devil.
Somedays I wish these vacations would last forever
and somedays I wish they were already over.
So it looks like my psycologist was right, I had a fallback, and sometimes it seems like I just plain simply dont want to stop smoking weed because I like it too much.
But what I really like is those minutes where you feel the pain of anxiety disapear.
Equally frustrating is when she comes in full force after the effect wears off wanting something else to satiate her hunger.
Its a double edged sword, and I know I cant swing it for very long without getting my self cutted, I just hope I manage to abandon this weapon before I become a victim of it.
