Hi, some/most of you know me as Chosi and I'm fine with that. I'm 27 for one more month before I'll have to stop to say I'm "mid 20" and heading straight towards 30. But this is not one of my real problems right now. Some month ago I ended my 5 year relationship with a girl that truely loves me because I i felt like she was not enough, she was just not the right girl. I felt like that for about a year now but I did not manage to end it because i feared it would kill her and I killed me to see her broken - and it was like that. Two weeks ago i quited my well payed job (IT Software/Services Sales) because it felt just wrong and I could hardly get up and motivate myself every morning.
I don't know if its just me, or some ppl or maybe everyone (like once in his life) but I feel so damn lost. I could probably achieve anything in my career, but I just don't know what I want anymore. I feel so f*cking empty. If I would be good at just one thing there would not be much of a choice what to do, but right now I could to just about anything. I studied IT/Economics which is like the swiss armyknife of studies, you have heard and had a sneak-peak into nearly everything. I got some offers from companies I sold some services to, I could make my master degree (from my bachelor), i could get some international references for my résumé or I could (via my dad) instantly start as a teacher with a pretty solid salary. I just don't know.
The reason I don't know about all that is there is one thing on my mind all the time - finding "the" girl, which seems more and more like an impossible task to me, but let me explain. Over the years and past relationships I got a very very clear idea of what I'm looking for in a girl/women, and what I don't want. The problem seems, that the type of women I'm looking for is kinda special and rare - and even more rare to be single. It's kinda frustration to talk to their bf's who cannot even explain what is so special about them, who don't even know what they have found in them, but who are in the lucky position to just have them.. So being able to phrase it, to define it, to understand it just does not help me at all .. it just makes things more complicated. But well I should describe you "my" girl here..
She is not a supermodel or model at all, but she is pretty and she likes or at least can show it. She is in between normal and thin because I don't have a problem with girls having a few pounds too much, but this usually means the don't do any sports or lack to willpower to get thiner. And will/willpower is about the most important thing in a girl for my, right after being attractive (to me). She got style but is no fashion victim, she has taste and standards but is no snob and not arrogant above a certain level. I can take her to the opera or to an action movie, she orders champagne but she'll drink a becks if I do. She makes me do my best and give everything for her, but she does not demand it. She flirts with other guys and she watches me flirt for a while (before she walks over and just kisses me to show the whole club I'm *her's*) but she would kill me (with a painful death) if I should ever cheat on her. She is just the one that makes me stop thinking about or looking at any other girl like i do now.
I go to clubs or parties like every weekend right now and I talk to a lot of girls, but after a few minutes of conversation I usually lose all interest or I'm so drunk that I try to tell myself that I should not be so f*cking picky before going home alone, which usually just moves the sad "no, thats not her" thought to the next morning. So while not knowing what you want might me really bad, knowing exactly what you want is a curse as well...
The worst part about all it, and the reason I write this right now, is that i got lots of friends and ppl I like and see every day, but I fell like they don't really understand my problem, they lack the competence to give me advice. It's like I know what (generic) answer they'll give me before I actually ask anything, and being so 100% predictable prevents me from telling them at all. I know some ppl which actually earned my respect and whose advice I learned to appreciace, but not when it comes to relationships and women. When I had in-deep talks about relationships with friends of mine, it usually ended with them leaving their gf's because of what I said, which i regretted very much after getting sober again, so i stopped it.
So right now i feel like i have all the choices in the world, and having absolutely no clue what to do. I know and I feel like the most imporant thing in my life is a women that deserves both my respect and my love and who becomes the new center of my life. But withing the same splitsecond I think about that, i fear that "she" does not even exist or maybe does but she's out of reach for me. Just because I can explain and define what I want, does not grant me anything.
Why do I write this today? Today I got (again) pretty drunk at my fav. club and just before I left at like half past 4 AM, I ran into a kinda cute blonde girl and she invited me on a Tequilla (I hate, really hate, Tequilla). I drank it, and talked to her for some minutes and she gave me those looks that are best described with some "the offspring" lyrics:
I know, I should say no
but its kinda hard, when she's ready to go
and I told her some BS why I had to go and left alone. Maybe I was not as drunk as I thought or hoped to be, but after leaving it really hit me like a ACME 100 tons Anvil.. a cute girl invites me and I just think way too much and leave. I mean what the f*ck, what the hell is wrong with me.. Why can't I just think less and be f*cking less picky. I'm heading towards 30 and I'm looking for the perfect girl that probably does not exist or, if she exists, is looking for someone totally not me.
In my whole life I never looked back, I never regretted something, I was never really sad or unhappy .. but in the last few month it really smacked me down and I don't know if I can get back on my feet before the judge counts to 10. When my friends were "down" I took some days of from work, got drunk with them, managed to get them talking to some girl in a club and got them going again. But none of them can do that for me and I don't even want to ask them for it.. It's just f*ucked up.
So it's nearly 6 AM right now, sun is rising and I'll go to bed while the effect of the vodka outweights the effect of the red bull. I have no clue why I write this and what I expect anyone to answer to that, but mabye it's just some desperate hope that TL has an answer or cure for everything, or maybe I just helped someone else feeling less depressed..