Introduction: I had in mind to write something like that for a while but now I really feel like I have to. But I'm going to warn you, this is going to be a long rant with lots of QQ and some biased views and much more..
Hi, some/most of you know me as Chosi and I'm fine with that. I'm 27 for one more month before I'll have to stop to say I'm "mid 20" and heading straight towards 30. But this is not one of my real problems right now. Some month ago I ended my 5 year relationship with a girl that truely loves me because I i felt like she was not enough, she was just not the right girl. I felt like that for about a year now but I did not manage to end it because i feared it would kill her and I killed me to see her broken - and it was like that. Two weeks ago i quited my well payed job (IT Software/Services Sales) because it felt just wrong and I could hardly get up and motivate myself every morning.
I don't know if its just me, or some ppl or maybe everyone (like once in his life) but I feel so damn lost. I could probably achieve anything in my career, but I just don't know what I want anymore. I feel so f*cking empty. If I would be good at just one thing there would not be much of a choice what to do, but right now I could to just about anything. I studied IT/Economics which is like the swiss armyknife of studies, you have heard and had a sneak-peak into nearly everything. I got some offers from companies I sold some services to, I could make my master degree (from my bachelor), i could get some international references for my résumé or I could (via my dad) instantly start as a teacher with a pretty solid salary. I just don't know.
The reason I don't know about all that is there is one thing on my mind all the time - finding "the" girl, which seems more and more like an impossible task to me, but let me explain. Over the years and past relationships I got a very very clear idea of what I'm looking for in a girl/women, and what I don't want. The problem seems, that the type of women I'm looking for is kinda special and rare - and even more rare to be single. It's kinda frustration to talk to their bf's who cannot even explain what is so special about them, who don't even know what they have found in them, but who are in the lucky position to just have them.. So being able to phrase it, to define it, to understand it just does not help me at all .. it just makes things more complicated. But well I should describe you "my" girl here..
She is not a supermodel or model at all, but she is pretty and she likes or at least can show it. She is in between normal and thin because I don't have a problem with girls having a few pounds too much, but this usually means the don't do any sports or lack to willpower to get thiner. And will/willpower is about the most important thing in a girl for my, right after being attractive (to me). She got style but is no fashion victim, she has taste and standards but is no snob and not arrogant above a certain level. I can take her to the opera or to an action movie, she orders champagne but she'll drink a becks if I do. She makes me do my best and give everything for her, but she does not demand it. She flirts with other guys and she watches me flirt for a while (before she walks over and just kisses me to show the whole club I'm *her's*) but she would kill me (with a painful death) if I should ever cheat on her. She is just the one that makes me stop thinking about or looking at any other girl like i do now.
I go to clubs or parties like every weekend right now and I talk to a lot of girls, but after a few minutes of conversation I usually lose all interest or I'm so drunk that I try to tell myself that I should not be so f*cking picky before going home alone, which usually just moves the sad "no, thats not her" thought to the next morning. So while not knowing what you want might me really bad, knowing exactly what you want is a curse as well...
The worst part about all it, and the reason I write this right now, is that i got lots of friends and ppl I like and see every day, but I fell like they don't really understand my problem, they lack the competence to give me advice. It's like I know what (generic) answer they'll give me before I actually ask anything, and being so 100% predictable prevents me from telling them at all. I know some ppl which actually earned my respect and whose advice I learned to appreciace, but not when it comes to relationships and women. When I had in-deep talks about relationships with friends of mine, it usually ended with them leaving their gf's because of what I said, which i regretted very much after getting sober again, so i stopped it.
So right now i feel like i have all the choices in the world, and having absolutely no clue what to do. I know and I feel like the most imporant thing in my life is a women that deserves both my respect and my love and who becomes the new center of my life. But withing the same splitsecond I think about that, i fear that "she" does not even exist or maybe does but she's out of reach for me. Just because I can explain and define what I want, does not grant me anything.
Why do I write this today? Today I got (again) pretty drunk at my fav. club and just before I left at like half past 4 AM, I ran into a kinda cute blonde girl and she invited me on a Tequilla (I hate, really hate, Tequilla). I drank it, and talked to her for some minutes and she gave me those looks that are best described with some "the offspring" lyrics:
I know, I should say no but its kinda hard, when she's ready to go
and I told her some BS why I had to go and left alone. Maybe I was not as drunk as I thought or hoped to be, but after leaving it really hit me like a ACME 100 tons Anvil.. a cute girl invites me and I just think way too much and leave. I mean what the f*ck, what the hell is wrong with me.. Why can't I just think less and be f*cking less picky. I'm heading towards 30 and I'm looking for the perfect girl that probably does not exist or, if she exists, is looking for someone totally not me.
In my whole life I never looked back, I never regretted something, I was never really sad or unhappy .. but in the last few month it really smacked me down and I don't know if I can get back on my feet before the judge counts to 10. When my friends were "down" I took some days of from work, got drunk with them, managed to get them talking to some girl in a club and got them going again. But none of them can do that for me and I don't even want to ask them for it.. It's just f*ucked up.
So it's nearly 6 AM right now, sun is rising and I'll go to bed while the effect of the vodka outweights the effect of the red bull. I have no clue why I write this and what I expect anyone to answer to that, but mabye it's just some desperate hope that TL has an answer or cure for everything, or maybe I just helped someone else feeling less depressed..
Very well written blog, and I'm sorry to hear you are having troubles. And I'm sure you don't want to hear my 18 year old straight out of highschool advice, but just remember: life is all about being happy; if you are not happy with your situation then change it.
It's not on me to judge your advice by age or anything else and I appreciate any kind of response. I know I have to change anything or maybe everything, and I´m sure I could or can. I just don't know what or how.
I have to say, if you really think finding the perfect girl is the biggest issue in your life, you need to stop going to clubs. Clubs are not where you meet girls you can have a relationship with. What you're describing is not at all rare, it's just much harder to find and see. You are looking for a girl who does not like clubbing, or partying. A girl who isn't a slut, and who has her own ambitions. The girls that go to clubs are worthless and superficial in that regard.
Part of your problem is also that you can't seem to see the good in people. Maybe you are looking on the surface too much, and not asking the right questions. Maybe you should be asking 'who makes me happy' instead of 'who is the best possible everything.'
This has been my worthless advice from an internet stranger. Look inside yourself and talk to some people you know really well if you want real answers. And do it when you're sober.
if I learned something about the internet in my last 10 years being online, than it's that strangers give the best and most unbiased advice because they don't give a shit about what you could want to hear. I would say I think you are right, but to be honest I *know* you are. I guess I don't lack insight or answers, but someone that kicks my ass to where it needs to go.
EDIT: You are right about clubs, but I usually end up there because my friends drag me there to teach them some dancing or to "party". But knowing where you should not search sadly does not imply knowing where you instead should go.
Maybe thats the real question. Where do you meet the girl of your life? Those ppl I know who could answer that all told me it was kinda random, so no real help.
Well, maybe you need both. Good friends know you, and know what makes you happy, so it's worth it to talk to them too. If you don't have any friends good enough to give you the straight truth, I would ask a sibling or your parents for advice, because they know you pretty well too.
I actually have the same outlook as you on girls and relationships, basically if you can just find that one ideal girl then you can focus on the rest of your life, and you'd have her to lean on, and let her lean on you. But of course for the "perfect girl" to be the "perfect girl" she has to be above the qualities that make most girls similar, such as having specific tastes in shitty movies/music, getting caught up in whatever's current, etc. My question to you would have to be, is your ideal girl really someone you meet, shitfaced in a club somewhere? Maybe your ideal girl is out there, but you're looking in the wrong places.
On July 04 2009 13:03 Chosi wrote: if I learned something about the internet in my last 10 years being online, than it's that strangers give the best and most unbiased advice because they don't give a shit about what you could want to hear. I would say I think you are right, but to be honest I *know* you are. I guess I don't lack insight or answers, but someone that kicks my ass to where it needs to go.
EDIT: You are right about clubs, but I usually end up there because my friends drag me there to teach them some dancing or to "party". But knowing where you should not search sadly does not imply knowing where you instead should go.
Maybe thats the real question. Where do you meet the girl of your life? Those ppl I know who could answer that all told me it was kinda random, so no real help.
honestly university and your work place are pretty good places. go get your masters and look for someone there, 2 birds with one stone.
Maybe it's some sort of occupational illness but if you know that you can change and predict the answer you'll get by how you phrase/word/pronounce your question you lose your respect to so many ppl. It sounds grave arrogant but you consider everyone "below" or "lower" level who you can manipulate in such a way and you train that ability every day you work in sales. I kinda wish I'd never learned how to do that, really.
Honestly I don't know any good friends or relatives I would consider immune to such methods. The best talks i had about that topic were with some (now) married ex-GFs of me and some absolute random girl who rejected any approach.
You shouldn't be searching for a girl in clubs, which I see has already been addressed. You should've just had a one night stand with the blonde, because who says she wants a relationship from you anyways and maybe it would've made you feel better.
It's possible to find your ideal girl anywhere... school, work, libraries, gyms, ANYWHERE. You just have to talk to people (don't interrupt girls when they're in the middle of doing a set though)
EDIT: And being in sales you should be meeting tons of people daily
On July 04 2009 13:06 Chef wrote: Well, maybe you need both. Good friends know you, and know what makes you happy, so it's worth it to talk to them too. If you don't have any friends good enough to give you the straight truth, I would ask a sibling or your parents for advice, because they know you pretty well too.
I hope you find what you're looking for
it sounds like chosi is the go to guy for advice amongst his friends and family, and being one myself i must say it makes it impossible to ask them for it in return, the answers are predictable at best, and disappointing at worst.
On July 04 2009 13:07 anderoo wrote: I actually have the same outlook as you on girls and relationships, basically if you can just find that one ideal girl then you can focus on the rest of your life, and you'd have her to lean on, and let her lean on you. But of course for the "perfect girl" to be the "perfect girl" she has to be above the qualities that make most girls similar, such as having specific tastes in shitty movies/music, getting caught up in whatever's current, etc. My question to you would have to be, is your ideal girl really someone you meet, shitfaced in a club somewhere? Maybe your ideal girl is out there, but you're looking in the wrong places.
If someone asks me, I use to tell them that places that you think are "for picking up someone" are the worst you could ever imagine to actually do so. But still i cannot give any advice where to go instead. I work(ed) in an IT company, there are no girls there at all.
I was thinking about getting some classic dancing lessons (was told you meet some *proper* girls there) or something like that, but I could never stand to dance to anything slower than house.
I don't know if there are necessarily "places to go"with the direct intent of starting a meaningful relationship, but there are definitely places you should avoid. the rest is up to chance, imo
On July 04 2009 13:22 anderoo wrote: I don't know if there are necessarily "places to go"with the direct intent of starting a meaningful relationship, but there are definitely places you should avoid. the rest is up to chance, imo
For me "chance" is probability. And considering how rare (and usually taken) is what I am looking for and that you cannot talk every girl you see on the street, I end up depressed taking that approach of thinking.
Since I appreciate all your feedback very much and since I'm already sharing stuff i told nobody i really know, here is some old dancing movie I made for my friends who wanted to learn (this is trance, I don't listen/dance to that anymore). Never showed that yet, since I consider it some sort of youth sin right now..
EDIT: LoL, friends of mine already upped some old stuff from me ~.~
Right now I can laugh at it, so hope you can as well - and thank you all
On July 04 2009 13:06 Chef wrote: Well, maybe you need both. Good friends know you, and know what makes you happy, so it's worth it to talk to them too. If you don't have any friends good enough to give you the straight truth, I would ask a sibling or your parents for advice, because they know you pretty well too.
I hope you find what you're looking for
it sounds like chosi is the go to guy for advice amongst his friends and family, and being one myself i must say it makes it impossible to ask them for it in return, the answers are predictable at best, and disappointing at worst.
To be honest, I'm one of these people. I was just trying to be optimistic.
As you mention it, I got an offer to work 3 month in Spain, which I'll most likely do. I don't speak a word Spanish which is no problem since my customers there will speak English or German, but which will - hopefully - be a good thing when it comes to women. I kinda like the thought of not being able to use rhetorical / eloquent shit on ppl so I don't have to force myself to stop it.
Sun is shining in my window, 7 AM, really going to sleep now.
On July 04 2009 13:03 Chosi wrote: if I learned something about the internet in my last 10 years being online, than it's that strangers give the best and most unbiased advice because they don't give a shit about what you could want to hear. I would say I think you are right, but to be honest I *know* you are. I guess I don't lack insight or answers, but someone that kicks my ass to where it needs to go.
EDIT: You are right about clubs, but I usually end up there because my friends drag me there to teach them some dancing or to "party". But knowing where you should not search sadly does not imply knowing where you instead should go.
Maybe thats the real question. Where do you meet the girl of your life? Those ppl I know who could answer that all told me it was kinda random, so no real help.
honestly university and your work place are pretty good places. go get your masters and look for someone there, 2 birds with one stone.
Moving for some time is a good idea too. Heh, this is one instance where the language barrier would actually help you. :D
I prefer to meet new people is a private party (well, as I'm younger than you, I can't give you much other thought on that, don't know how much is the age difference a factor), in someone's apartment/house, where there are some friends I know, and a few of their friends that I don't know. At parties like that, you can actually talk (opposed to the clubs), there is a relaxed atmosphere, and because you have mutual friends adds to the secureness of interaction (and additional topics to talk about). It adds more of a private feeling, people feel closer to each other. And if you find the new people unsatisfying, you can always ignore them and talk to your old friends. Anyways, I think the best generally known way to meet people is trough other people/friends.
There are tons of people that feel empty at some point of their lives etc.; that should, for some reason, be comforting. :D Jokes aside, I feel pretty much the same, a lot of things people say (their views) are predictable, boring, narrow and black&white. That is one of the reasons I feel empty sometimes, as it's hard to find people that are not like that - and even some of the people that aren't like that, are under the disguise, so it's hard to tell them apart. Lack of an exciting, stimulating and genuine discussion with someone (can be someone likeminded, but not necessarily) is something that all people need, but for some people it's harder to find, since there are less people like that I guess. The gauss curve is a bitch sometimes!
It's hard to reply to you with something new that will help you, since you know best what works for you - and you already answered your own unasked questions in the opening post. What most people can do is extract the things that seem most important (and promising) to you from that post. You're already aware of it all (although maybe not directly), you're just kinda "using" us and this blog as a lever to move yourself forward, to give you the starting kick, as it's hard to kick oneself on the backside! So this is great, you've made one step forward, now keep moving!
I'll say the good old general advice: Keep yourself busy for the most of the day (possibly with something at least a bit stimulating), eat well, do keep your body in shape (RUN and strech, not just weightlifting, health in general, including something stimulating for the brain), go to sleep/wake up in time, take some time to rest/relax every day, and hang out with some people - the rest WILL fall in place. Some of these things are very basic, but a lot of people don't realize just how much effect they have and how important they are.
I should stop using smilies so much! :D And exclamation marks!!
Thanks for the long reply quirinus. Well, now being sober again I can admit that you are probably right about me knowing what to do and just asking for some approval and momentum in the right direction.
well it has been a while and (as i promised) i wanted to give you an update on how things turned out in my life. A litte more than one month after I wrote this post I came back from Spain to celebrate my birthday an arange some last things in Germany. In these 2 weeks i got a new job (which turned out to be great, well payed and just 5 minutes from where i live) and met someone, who turned out to be just the person i was so sure did not even exist.
Since my initial rant was pretty long I want my update to be worthy to both the post and the changes in my life, I'll leave you for now with the announcement of an update in the next week and a picture of my girl:
EPT
Some of these things are very basic, but a lot of people don't realize just how much effect they have and how important they are.![[image loading]](http://lh6.ggpht.com/_d4h1TMJySyw/S2n2h-MZBmI/AAAAAAAADIM/t0M4hXvuwWk/S7301062.JPG)
