|
Okay, I'm normally not one to come to the internet for dating advice, unless it's from a pick up site, but this has nothing to do with pick up anymore. You may recall that I recently wrote an entry about asking if my ex had cheated on me. As it turns out, I was wrong, she didn't. But, my suspected reason (that I've only recently realized) for her breaking up with me turned out to be accurate. The problem was that I put myself first too often. I've been like this for a while now, and I think it came as a result of having been alone for so much of my life. And I found it difficult to transition out of that, because in my mind, that was what had initially attracted her to me (but it was probably the confidence, etc, that all that ego building had done for me over the past two or three years). And while being the way I was works excellently for picking up random whores, it does not work well for keeping a relationship. It is because of this that I am asking you guys for help; I am completely lost right now. This is a time for self-evaluation, and change, and it's not going to be easy for me--that much I know.
What can I do to convince her that I will no longer be putting myself first all the time (though, ironically, trying to get back with her is inherently self-motivated, thus I'm putting myself first right now)? Over the past two hours or so I have poured my soul into talking to her, apologizing for the way I acted in the past, and practically begging for another chance. Some may say I fucked up by doing so, because of power-balance and other bullshit, but considering the circumstances doing the opposite (acting like she was unimportant to me) would be the wrong way to approach this.
I've recently been part of what would normally be a two hour seminar for relationships (it was a guest speaker in a class, so it wasn't technically the seminar), and it opened my eyes so greatly to what I had been doing. Everything in my life was win/loss, and I had to be the winner all the time. Instead of working on needs based ideas, and thinking about what she wanted, it was always what I wanted, and always how I wanted it. I was an asshole; I've been an asshole for a long time. And that needs to change. The thing is, I don't know how to change completely. I need help, and I don't know where else to go at this point. What can I do to change, not only to get her back (hopefully that will happen), but also to just stop being such an asshole?
I don't know if all this is entirely clear and focused right now, but it's a rough time, and my thoughts are a bit scattered. There has got to be a way to get her back in my life, and become a better person at the same time. I just need some help to get the ball rolling.
|
given your newfound self-awareness, i suppose the balls already rolling
|
GrandInquisitor
New York City13113 Posts
On April 21 2009 06:11 paper wrote:
given your newfound self-awareness, i suppose the balls already rolling
just not into her (yet)
|
Well, I meant the "get back with her" ball. But I suppose that will take some time. I guess my real question is how to get her back into my life so that she can see I won't be so self-centered.
Should I bring up the fact that I took part in that seminar? And that I realized that about the win/loss stuff? I mean, I just don't know what to do here.
And while I'm fully aware that eventually, someone else will come my way, and eventually I will be over her, I was so happy with her that I don't want it to be over. There are only two times outside of my childhood I have ever really been happy, and both times I was with her (we dated very briefly in HS). And I don't mean two specific instances, but two elongated periods of time. I've never been seriously depressed, but most of my life I just didn't care, but she made me so happy; I'd give everything to get her back.
On April 21 2009 06:19 GrandInquisitor wrote:Show nested quote +On April 21 2009 06:11 paper wrote:
given your newfound self-awareness, i suppose the balls already rolling just not into her (yet)
I see what you did there!
|
Netherlands13554 Posts
I'm kind of in the same situation as you. Something similar happened (also has to deal with a break-up) and it opened my eyes up so much. Not so much my personality but basically what I want in life and what's keeping me back (i.e. poker). Makes you ponder how these sad happenings influence your life and how much you can learn from it after reflecting.
I'd say you pretty much have seen the light already. Someone can't turn his life and the way he is completely just like that. Just think about what you're doing and why you are doing it. By experiencing new stuff (with the girlfriend or with new people) you'll gain the experience to change your ways. Good luck.
edit: the way to get the girl back is just to get a chance to talk about her and just tell her the things you just wrote about. Tell her why you are the way you are and that you are capable of changing although it takes time. Convince her that you can change and that you are willing to listen more, as long as she also makes sure to tell you whenever you're acting *that way*. Give her some time to think about it and make a new appointment a week later or whatever.
|
I don't think you can convince her anymore. Or rather, I don't think you _should_ 'convince' her. If you struggle with her to try and give you a second chance, begging, convincing... Then even if it is something she ultimately might want, she might just associate it with you yet again getting your way and her conceding ground.
I think the best course of action is to make a clear display to her of how you've changed. Show her your feelings on all this(As twisted suggested, maybe just link her or forward it.) Explain to her how important she is to you... And then explain that this is all you will do. Explain to her that you will not try and coerce her to do anything. That the decision is ultimately hers, and you will respect it, even if it hurts. Be genuine. Do not manipulate or confuse. Display the situation as it truly is, and allow her a chance to assess it and decide for herself.
This is just my thought though. I've been in a similar situation aswell. (I think a lot of people have I guess. lol.)
Good luck. =)
|
Yeah, I kind of did that already. I apologized for not acting like a father to her daughter (who I love to death. She's 10 months old now, almost 11 months. It's a long story on how we got together), but I mostly apologized for constantly thinking about myself. I didn't ask her to give me another chance, I said I wished she would, but I couldn't hold it against her for not doing so. I did a lot of that. Then she removed me from her myspace so I couldn't see pictures of her daughter anymore (after discovering that I still looked at pictures of her daughter, and after I asked her to not remove me). 
A few minutes later I said "We had a good time when we were together, right? I mean, did you enjoy being with me?" And she said "Ya ok. I did. I'm not gonna lie. It was great, until I realized you were more into yourself than anyone else." And then I went into more apologizing, basically..
Either way, I think this is possible. And I think you're right on not trying to convince her. What my plan of action is at this point is to let this settle for a few weeks, and then see if she'll see me for some coffee, or lunch or something. And I'll try to go from there.
|
On April 21 2009 07:18 SweeTLemonS[TPR] wrote:Yeah, I kind of did that already. I apologized for not acting like a father to her daughter (who I love to death. She's 10 months old now, almost 11 months. It's a long story on how we got together), but I mostly apologized for constantly thinking about myself. I didn't ask her to give me another chance, I said I wished she would, but I couldn't hold it against her for not doing so. I did a lot of that. Then she removed me from her myspace so I couldn't see pictures of her daughter anymore (after discovering that I still looked at pictures of her daughter, and after I asked her to not remove me). A few minutes later I said "We had a good time when we were together, right? I mean, did you enjoy being with me?" And she said "Ya ok. I did. I'm not gonna lie. It was great, until I realized you were more into yourself than anyone else." And then I went into more apologizing, basically.. Either way, I think this is possible. And I think you're right on not trying to convince her. What my plan of action is at this point is to let this settle for a few weeks, and then see if she'll see me for some coffee, or lunch or something. And I'll try to go from there.
Good luck. =)
At the very least, this has already done a lot for you. And your next relationship will be that much better. Especially because most guys in the world act the way you did. The few that have been able to reflect and change themselves are the ones the girls are omnomnomnom after.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
