EPTCurrently, no, I rarely play starcraft at all. I do like to play in informal LANs when I get the chance, which is seldom. The main reason I don’t play anymore is that it has become less fun for me. Winning a game seems to take so much more work than I want to put in, when I just want to enjoy a couple of hours of leisure and fun. Other games like dota and TF2 are less demanding and less hard work. I do consider myself a long-time loyalist of the game though.
I have followed the progaming scene for a while. But even that has begun to lose much of its appeal. The skill differential at the top is just too close to my liking. I would prefer an environment with clear favourites. Nowadays, the results in matches are just too unpredictable and vulnerable to small errors which can affect the entire game. So I pretty much just read the occasional live reports and sometimes watch recommended games. The idea of build order wins and similar game scenarios played out over and over again has tarnished a lot of the game’s lustre for me.
As for the reason I post here and not somewhere else, is simple. This is where I visit. I am not an active poster and commenter, but this is where I spend a good bulk of my time on the internet. Why would I go somewhere else when I like and appreciate this community. I’m not entirely sure why I draw so much ire and flames in my post; at worst, you can just disregard me as a narrow minded troll. In truth, I easily realize my views are radical, but it is what I honestly believe. You would not identify me as the pompous douche on the streets; I am aware enough to fit in, so I keep my true intentions secret. My once a week posts you can skip and it’s not like they clog up the boards. I suppose I should take the heated feedback as a good sign that I am effectively reaching out to some audience and inciting reaction. Yeah, I go about things from out of the blue in unconventional directions, but that’s how I’ve always been.
And onto the rest.
“I fear no enemy,
For the Khalai is my strength.
I fear not death,
For our strength is eternal.”
Among negative emotions, fear is probably the most raw, unconscious element we face. The spectrum of fear I would say runs from sudden terror-of-the-moment to long term dread. We have nightmares in our sleep of terrifying experiences. Whereas feelings such as hatred, anger and sadness often have rational and understandable foundations, fear and terror are more difficult to rationalize.
Normally I do not remember my dreams when I sleep. As is typical, I only know what I have been dreaming about when I am suddenly awaken from deep sleep. This recollection quickly feeds from conscious memory and becomes irretrievable shortly after I am fully awake. Normally my dreams seem to be quite pleasant, presenting scenarios in which I wish could be prolonged by returning to my sleep. I do not normally have nightmares, but I have had two experiences that have left deep impressions. The emotion I would describe as pure terror.
I am often critical of characters I see or read about and their reactions to events. The state of being “frozen in fear” is one of those instances which I could never relate to. If a boulder is falling down on you, you don’t look up and gawk at the rock, you scuttle out of the way as fast as you can. Except that was precisely what happened to me some time ago in a nightmare. In my previous bedroom, I liked to sleep with the shutters open so that my sleep schedule was aligned with the rising of the sun and daylight in my room. My room was on the second floor, facing the backyard. In my nightmare, I woke up and saw a person standing outside my window, perhaps standing on a ladder propped against the wall. He was using a glass cutting device cutting a hole in the window to get through into the house. Of course there was an imaginary thunderstorm outside with rain and lightning lighting up his outline. I laid there in my bed horrified. My brain was urging my body to get up and run, but it would not respond. I was helpless except to creep deeper underneath my covers and hope that somehow the intruder would not notice me. The hole cutting seemed to be efficient and his entry imminent, yet the ordeal was prolonged, the suspense never lifted as he continued cutting the hole and I was motionless. I woke up before he ever finished. That was my first encounter with paralysis by fear.
My second nightmare was less vivid but equally intense. The only thing I recall was I part of a group of people. We were gathered around and looking at something. Suddenly something appeared (what it was I cannot remember) and the crowd was launched into fright. Some people recovered quickly to normal, and I was able to hear, “Did you see it?” and “Oh my god.” My recovery, however, did not arrive promptly. The terror was similar to the kinds like jump-out-and-boo and those screamer clips I hate. Except this time my response was prolonged, my mouth was agape in muted agony, the sight was resonating loudly in my mind, and I started curling up into a rigid fetal position. The other people in the group began to notice my problem and began to huddle around me. Before I was released from this lock of terror, I woke up. That night I was afraid to go back to sleep to in case I would recall that mystery sight that caused my shock.
Anyways thats my story of nightmares. They were not childhood fears, but actually relatively recent experiences. I suppose its quite normal for people to get the occasional nightmare, but I personally do not get much, so these two in particular left lasting impressions. Apparently people can literally die of fright, something I read recently that I did not really realize before. There have been cases in which the cause of death was concluded to be from the subject having dreamt a nightmare so scary that they died. That’s kind of a scary thought, knowing your imagination is so powerful it can literally kill you. That a psychological manifestion can supercede physiological survival.
Among more common fears, I admit I am afraid of bugs, referring of course to spiders, cockroaches, earwigs etc. that invade our homes. I wonder why is it that many of us are instinctively afraid of these small, weak, harmless creatures? I have heard it is because they are alive and can fit into small crevices and orifices in our bodies we do not welcome them in. I try to rationalize away my fear, but it has limited effect. I am usually able to conquer the pests, but only after taking a considerable while to muster up my courage.
Being passive-suicidal, I would claim that I do not fear death. That is a bold claim to make and difficult to substantiate. While I can freely say that in times of stability and safety, I have no idea whether I can back up the statement when crunch time arrives. For example, if a rampant school gunman were to show up at my school in a suicide attack. Would I take the risk to approach him, play the hero, and take him down? The only fear I expect in that scenario would be the physical pain if my death were not quick enough. I think many people can understand to fear pain more than death. I can hide in my room and theorycraft my brazen madness, but in the end I could easily be just a pansy without the guts to act in the moment. The truth is, in such a scenario, casualties would probably be minimized if capable individuals all took proper action and swarmed the attacker before he got too many free kills.
My most practical fear weighing on me at the moment is fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I know many people/relatives who were unable to find a life partner to spend the their days happily with. I fear becoming one of them. I do not think I could handle that. I am a young guy with plenty of opportunity to meet girls. I have a lot going for me. But I am also dreadfully aware of the peak and descent in my own physical assets. I am pretty much in the prime of my life right now. I spend this time alone, which is such an irretrievable waste. There are many aspects I obsess over, that are negligible to most people but things I simply cannot put down personally. Specific standards I set out for myself and benchmark comparisons limits my scope considerably. As time goes by more and more of the best candidates are picked off by competition.
I have the capacity to love deeply, probably too much for my own good. I am afraid of pain. Should I invest deeply into someone I love, I am afraid something bad would happen to that person. The natural argument is that the happiness of the time spent together outweighs the sorrow of departure. I admit I do not see myself taking such a loss as this very well. Yes, I am a weak willed, desperate, romantic. I gues all this accumulates into a fear of living a suboptimal life.
Yes I was able turn this into a pseudo girl thread haha. Bet you didn’t expect that. I brace myself for the oncoming flames. Just keep in mind no one forced you to read this.
Either your attitude or your actions, learn to be happy. Lifes too short.
