EPT
My Harvard Application (Essay)
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Saracen
United States5139 Posts
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koreakool
United States334 Posts
but then again should you really write about a comic strip character? | ||
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fight_or_flight
United States3988 Posts
These books have shaped my outlook on life; I have learned to cherish creativity and approach problems with a nonconventional mindset – to employ for the daunting task of cerebral enhancement none other than a metal colander and to eke a profit by selling a product of only the highest quality and demand, a “frank appraisal of your looks.” I'd say this sentence is a little over-the-top. | ||
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Saracen
United States5139 Posts
On December 01 2008 07:18 koreakool wrote: calvin and hobbes isn't TOO obscure but then again should you really write about a comic strip character? idk, for my common app essay, i wrote about how i "overcame a traumatic and life-changing illness", so i sort of wanted to offset it plus, i was hoping to get in more sarcasm, but that didn't really come off very well | ||
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Equinox_kr
United States7395 Posts
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Saracen
United States5139 Posts
On December 01 2008 07:19 fight_or_flight wrote: I'd say this sentence is a little over-the-top. so i should just cut the references? (for this sentence) | ||
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Xenocide_Knight
Korea (South)2625 Posts
sounds like ur trying too hard just write from the heart | ||
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thunk
United States6233 Posts
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fight_or_flight
United States3988 Posts
On December 01 2008 07:21 Saracen wrote: so i should just cut the references? (for this sentence) I didn't even realize it had references in it, I was just talking about the verbiage. | ||
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DamageControL
United States4222 Posts
Okay, maybe he’s not technically a man, and perhaps he’s not as infallible as I previously professed I think you can fix this, to sound a bit more...college level? I understand this is the most formal of formal essays, but this just sounds messy. ...“progeny”; he is, indeed, a man among men. Okay, maybe he’s not technically a man, and perhaps he’s not as infallible as I previously professed; however,... To be perfectly honest, i like semi-colons, but using them two sentences in a row seems a little much. I became acquainted with Calvin and his quirky feline counterpart in 1998 when I received a copy of Watterson’s The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes for my eighth birthday. I'd insert Hobbes' name. "...Calvin and his quirky feline counterpart, Hobbes, in 1998, when I received... ...both completely bogus, and completely entertaining... I know repetition is a common literary device, but here, I don't feel it helps. Just use another word.Calvin introduced me to the most unfamiliar frontiers; I’ve followed him from the fringes of the Yukon Semicolon again! Although I guess its just fine fine if you take out one of the earlier ones. And then you go on to use it twice more...um definitely cut down on the use of the semicolon i think. | ||
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Saracen
United States5139 Posts
On December 01 2008 07:21 Xenocide_Knight wrote: too many big words sounds like ur trying too hard just write from the heart mkay i'll dumb down the first few sentences for you: I started reading Calvin and Hobbes in 1998 when I got a copy of The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes for my eighth birthday. Since then, I've gotten tons more books that say how completely badass he is; I've seen him own up an army of "deranged mutant killer monster snow goons" and give bogus test answers, which was pretty funny because they were just so bogus. better? honestly, though, it's how calvin talks, so i thought it would be appropriate and, incidentally, it's how i write usually, though, i'm way more sarcastic (way less heartfelt), so i don't sound like i'm "us[ing] a thesaurus as [my] bible" | ||
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Exousia
United States38 Posts
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Saracen
United States5139 Posts
On December 01 2008 07:28 DamageControL wrote: Everything I say comes with a grain of salt; I do not claim to be the best writer. Reject everything i have to say if you want, these are my humble views on how you can improve your essay I think you can fix this, to sound a bit more...college level? I understand this is the most formal of formal essays, but this just sounds messy. To be perfectly honest, i like semi-colons, but using them two sentences in a row seems a little much. I'd insert Hobbes' name. "...Calvin and his quirky feline counterpart, Hobbes, in 1998, when I received... I know repetition is a common literary device, but here, I don't feel it helps. Just use another word. Semicolon again! Although I guess its just fine fine if you take out one of the earlier ones. And then you go on to use it twice more...um definitely cut down on the use of the semicolon i think. cool thanks I think you can fix this, to sound a bit more...college level? I understand this is the most formal of formal essays, but this just sounds messy. yeah i agree, but i can't really think of any good transitions atm I'd insert Hobbes' name. "...Calvin and his quirky feline counterpart, Hobbes, in 1998, when I received... it's because i never really mention hobbes in my essay ,,, maybe i'll just get rid of "quirky feline counterpart" and stfu i love semicolons >_<  | ||
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jellyfish
United States149 Posts
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Mastermind
Canada7096 Posts
On December 01 2008 07:21 Xenocide_Knight wrote: too many big words sounds like ur trying too hard just write from the heart I agree with this. It came of like you were trying to use to many big words. | ||
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jellyfish
United States149 Posts
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DamageControL
United States4222 Posts
And I'm not sure about the last sentence either. Overall I really like the essay (Perhaps because of arrogance, because you write similarly to me) EDIT: The weakness with your writing, like mine, is it sounds like you over-embellish (although for me, that comes naturally) and you need to vary sentence structure a bit more | ||
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DamageControL
United States4222 Posts
On December 01 2008 07:36 jellyfish wrote: oh, and btw it's "prodigy", not progeny. Its a calvin and hobbes reference he says progeny rather then prodigy (and were ALL child progeny...which is the joke) | ||
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Saracen
United States5139 Posts
On December 01 2008 07:25 fight_or_flight wrote: I didn't even realize it had references in it, I was just talking about the verbiage. yeah, there are some phrases that i don't really like in my essay such as: "he’s not as infallible as I previously professed" "I’ve watched him valiantly vanquish" they just sound so noob but if i were to change them, i would have to go to the taboo thesaurus.com and i could never do that! :O On December 01 2008 07:31 Exousia wrote: Do you really write like that? Doesn't convince me that it's written in your own voice. no, but i'm going to submit it as mine anyways | ||
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jellyfish
United States149 Posts
On December 01 2008 07:38 DamageControL wrote: Its a calvin and hobbes reference he says progeny rather then prodigy (and were ALL child progeny...which is the joke) oh damn my bad...guess I need to re-visit my Calvin and Hobbes >_> | ||
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