|
Can I get some feedback? This is just a rough draft so there may be a few grammatical errors, and phrases that could be worded better.
Gender Roles: Reality and Creation
Masculinity and feminism are terms difficult to define by any generalization, a transparency within our own consciousness that is all too often under examined and just as often falsely manifested. In order to understand that which is truly “manly” and that which is truly “girly”-for lack of a better term- it would be absurd to see it subjectively in this same light. So we seperate the objective classification (biological) from the subjective classification (social behavior).
As humans we tend to see gender in terms of roles, rather than hormone levels and chromosomes (why is it that sometimes factualities seem more difficult to perceive by?). While naturally in the end of it all, it comes down to genital examination we tend to group people into “Man” or “Woman” based on actions. This is a dangerous way to go about it and creates unnecessary difficulty for many people. Much like racial stereotypes, these gender stereotypes classify behaviors as "male" or "female", alienating those who would exhibit behaviors of the opposite sex, and restricting people by making them conform to an archetype.
For those of you who have every been called “girly” or “effeminate”,even "gay" just because of the things in like you enjoy may feel to heart what I say. In my own experience, love of flowers, gardens, and the beauty in nature (including the natural man/woman) has lumped me into a group of otherwise “effeminate” individuals. I have even been accused of homoesexuality because I appreciate the natural beauty of the male and female body. Although this appreciation is absent of sexuality (much as ones appreciation of a painting is), people cannot escape the prison of the gender role. This appreciation of natural beauty, to them, is for women.
What people don’t understand is these aspects and interests, are human. Neither masculine nor feminine, this is a biological label. Creating social arche-types for genders can thusly be seen as a restriction of freedom itself. If one must behave within a set order in order to confirm to themselves their own identity, that person is more confused than the man who loves flowers, or the woman who loves football.
So, wake-up and see your fellow human as a human, not a man or a woman. Of course this is difficult, as teenagers we are easily influenced by outside sources. With a media that writes women off as sex objects, and effeminate men as homosexuals, and homosexuals as sub-human it is little wonder there is so much sickening confusion amongst us. But it is our duty, and we would be doing a dishonor to the human species not to see past this farce. By ostracizing eachother(implicitly even, as in this manner), we degrade out ability to survive and pursue our own happiness.
We are merely gazing upon the shadows on the wall of a cave. Look past the illusion of gender roles, and see the truth. Step outside the cave for a moment and you begin to understand that a person’s sexual identity, gender role, and personality cannot be defined by an action or interest. Keep factualities in the realm of objectivity.
 
|
may feel to heart what I say. <- awkward, re-word that
Is this for high school? If so people are going to just read this and say "LOL faggot" Pretty contreversial for a school paper too imo
|
On November 15 2008 14:33 decafchicken wrote:
may feel to heart what I say. <- awkward, re-word that
Is this for high school? If so people are going to just read this and say "LOL faggot" Pretty contreversial for a school paper too imo
Yes.
I actually feel the same way about that line as well, so I'll change it in the next draft.
I do worry that it's too "controversial" for the school paper, but I think that it's especially important for highschool aged teens to understand this.
|
After spacing out these paragraphs, they do seem short.
I'm frankly a bit surprised at the lack of reaction. Is it "tl;dr"?
|
I only read the first paragraph.
First thing is, get a real title. Not to sound like a dick, but do you really think people want to hear a high school student talk about gender roles? Make sure that when you're writing, you're not masturbating because no one wants to see that shit. I guess a less outrageous way to say this is, if you're going to be preachy then be sneaky about it.
Second thing is, don't start with abstract stuff like this. Start with concrete examples. You can get a story from someone at your school or from the wider world. Thomas Beatie announced his 2nd pregnancy pretty recently, I believe. It seems to me that would be a great situation to analyze. Same-sex marriage is also becoming an even larger issue. How does that play into whatever you're trying to say?
Some boring details about the little bit I read:
Maybe I try a bit too hard to be unconventional and stay away from cliches, but I don't like seeing colons in titles. Although as I said above, your title has bigger problems.
I think you mean "Masculinity and femininity" in your first line.
I think you could be a LOT more concise in your first sentence. It sounds to me like you're trying way too hard.
I bet you can come up with a better way of saying "manly" and "girly." Having those items in quotes just sounds very weak to me.
Generally, I'm just not entirely sure what you're saying in your first paragraph. I don't know what it means to define something "by any generalization." Are you saying that you can't define either category by generalizing? You could be a lot more clear, if that's what you're trying to say. Then you go on to speak of "a transparency in our own consciousness", but I don't know what you're referring to. Are you saying that generalization is the transparency or that masculinity/femininity are the transparencies?
Second sentence seems very awkward. I believe your 2nd "it" is supposed to convey "that which is 'manly' and that which is 'girly.'" It doesn't do that very well.
You can find a much better way of stating your last sentence. I wouldn't use parentheses in the way that you have.
Generally, I would advise you to start with more concrete material and to start writing in very simple sentences and paragraphs. Stick to the recipe you learned in school. Then, once you've written a draft like that, you can jazz it up.
|
On November 16 2008 04:34 enthusiast wrote:
I only read the first paragraph.
First thing is, get a real title. Not to sound like a dick, but do you really think people want to hear a high school student talk about gender roles? Make sure that when you're writing, you're not masturbating because no one wants to see that shit. I guess a less outrageous way to say this is, if you're going to be preachy then be sneaky about it.
Second thing is, don't start with abstract stuff like this. Start with concrete examples. You can get a story from someone at your school or from the wider world. Thomas Beatie announced his 2nd pregnancy pretty recently, I believe. It seems to me that would be a great situation to analyze. Same-sex marriage is also becoming an even larger issue. How does that play into whatever you're trying to say?
Some boring details about the little bit I read:
Maybe I try a bit too hard to be unconventional and stay away from cliches, but I don't like seeing colons in titles. Although as I said above, your title has bigger problems.
I think you mean "Masculinity and femininity" in your first line.
I think you could be a LOT more concise in your first sentence. It sounds to me like you're trying way too hard.
I bet you can come up with a better way of saying "manly" and "girly." Having those items in quotes just sounds very weak to me.
Generally, I'm just not entirely sure what you're saying in your first paragraph. I don't know what it means to define something "by any generalization." Are you saying that you can't define either category by generalizing? You could be a lot more clear, if that's what you're trying to say. Then you go on to speak of "a transparency in our own consciousness", but I don't know what you're referring to. Are you saying that generalization is the transparency or that masculinity/femininity are the transparencies?
Second sentence seems very awkward. I believe your 2nd "it" is supposed to convey "that which is 'manly' and that which is 'girly.'" It doesn't do that very well.
You can find a much better way of stating your last sentence. I wouldn't use parentheses in the way that you have.
Generally, I would advise you to start with more concrete material and to start writing in very simple sentences and paragraphs. Stick to the recipe you learned in school. Then, once you've written a draft like that, you can jazz it up.
Thanks a lot for the feedback.
As far as touching on transgender issues, I feel it to be superfluous. I'm editing pretty heavily at the moment.
Also I changed the title to "Sex, Made of Wax". This implies that the images of sex and gender we have created are false. Is this better?
|
United States24809 Posts
Stay away from anything symbolic or thought provoking if you want your article to be well received for a school newspaper. Ridiculous, isn't it?
|
On November 16 2008 06:35 micronesia wrote:
Stay away from anything symbolic or thought provoking if you want your article to be well received for a school newspaper. Ridiculous, isn't it?
I refuse. If I must, I will make copies and hand them out myself.
|
I don't see how this fits in the school paper. It's not newsy (ie, why write this now? at least relate it to an issue in your school or, if you really dont have anything to use, to the world).
Make sure that this is what your editor wants. Did he want a news story? Cuz you don't have that. THat would be something like exploring gender roles at school, and you interview people to show a sample of what they think. You're spouting your opinion here, so if he wasn't looking for an op-ed, you're not gonna have your story run.
And even if he did want an op-ed, it's really not saying a whole lot. Your strongest paragraph is the last one, but the analogy is weak (the whole shadows on the wall, etc; tells nothing, but that kind of statement writing is what you need throughout an opinion piece). Say WHY gender roles suck. A concrete example--a smart, educated woman was denied an adminstrators role at school because it was traditionally a male job--something like that. Then build on it. Talking in general is worthless.
If you don't make a strong statement in the first 2-3 lines, no one is going to read your op ed. Hell, that holds true for any type of journalism, news, feature, magazine, op-ed, etc. I'm not shitting on what you're doing, I'm just giving real criticism. I get it from my editor all the time.
Make your point crystal clear right away, but say it in an interesting way. Don't just say gender roles are constructs of society and it sucks ass. Challenge readers, present a question. Why do you let society do the thinking for you, or something like that. It's gotta be something that will make the reader say 'Oh shit' and keep on reading, because they agree with you, or see how you formed your opinion if they think you're an idiot.
Beyond the structure, you've got some editing to do in your writing. Tenses of words, fixing up sentences, etc. I'd help you with that, but as it stands, there's no way you should turn this paper in in it's current form, so I'll help you if you do a re-write.
|
On November 16 2008 07:24 Hawk wrote:
I don't see how this fits in the school paper. It's not newsy (ie, why write this now? at least relate it to an issue in your school or, if you really dont have anything to use, to the world).
Make sure that this is what your editor wants. Did he want a news story? Cuz you don't have that. THat would be something like exploring gender roles at school, and you interview people to show a sample of what they think. You're spouting your opinion here, so if he wasn't looking for an op-ed, you're not gonna have your story run.
And even if he did want an op-ed, it's really not saying a whole lot. Your strongest paragraph is the last one, but the analogy is weak (the whole shadows on the wall, etc; tells nothing, but that kind of statement writing is what you need throughout an opinion piece). Say WHY gender roles suck. A concrete example--a smart, educated woman was denied an adminstrators role at school because it was traditionally a male job--something like that. Then build on it. Talking in general is worthless.
If you don't make a strong statement in the first 2-3 lines, no one is going to read your op ed. Hell, that holds true for any type of journalism, news, feature, magazine, op-ed, etc. I'm not shitting on what you're doing, I'm just giving real criticism. I get it from my editor all the time.
Make your point crystal clear right away, but say it in an interesting way. Don't just say gender roles are constructs of society and it sucks ass. Challenge readers, present a question. Why do you let society do the thinking for you, or something like that. It's gotta be something that will make the reader say 'Oh shit' and keep on reading, because they agree with you, or see how you formed your opinion if they think you're an idiot.
Beyond the structure, you've got some editing to do in your writing. Tenses of words, fixing up sentences, etc. I'd help you with that, but as it stands, there's no way you should turn this paper in in it's current form, so I'll help you if you do a re-write.
As I said before, I am very unhappy with this article and editing it heavily.
Keep in mind, however:
1.I'm in highschool.
2.I'm a guest writer, I don't have an editor.
3.I'm including examples.
4.The shadows on the wall is not just an analogy but also an allusion to Plato's allegory of the cave.
|
Yeah, I figured you were in hs, but I'm just trying to help you write something better haha. Not trying to be a dick.
They still must have asked you to write something specific. I'm just trying to make sure you don't hand in something they don't want. And either way, you still need to relate it to something relevant, something recent. Otherwise, it has no purpose in the paper. Putting yourself in the article isn't a good anecdote. You got to use something else, like I was saying before, because that's the main thing that's missing.
And the cave and Plato, that's an obscure reference. How many classmates do you think know about that? Think to the level that you're writing to. You could make it really good by basing your opinions around someone's personal experience. A friend who was objectified or something. It's better to just relate it to someone who is recently in the news, like how Lohan is perceived as a drunk ho, etc.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
