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I seem to fart around 10-20 times per day. This wouldn't be a problem if I could just sit at home all day and let em rip, but unfortunately I have a job and thus I am presented with certain...obstacles.
My daily objective is to pass the day without anyone detecting any of my flatulence. A fart has two primary components - Odor and Sound - and it is the dual (and inversely related) nature of these components that make my objective all the more difficult to accomplish.
The best way to pass gas silently is to remain as still as possible, hopefully sitting or at least standing with legs crossed leaning against a wall so that I can control the flow and thus minimize the sound emitted. However, the best way to combat the smell is by moving as much as possible, ideally by choosing a prime location to release and then bolting from said location asap.
Most of the time my fart is either weighted towards one extreme or the other, but there are rare occasions where I know a particularly nasty one is coming, I hear that characteristic "BEEP" followed by the words "Nuclear Launch Detected", and I know I only have so much time before it goes off and I'm caught in the blast zone. And I forgot to research cloak.
I have been able to time my trips to the bathroom and other misc travelling so that I know the chance of me passing gas in that interval is low, but there have been a couple times where I was out in halls of my office and had to either end a conversation with a coworker abrubtly (stinker) or extend a dull one even further (sonic boom?).
The absolute worst part of it is that when the occasional slip up does occur, I of course pretend that nothing has happened, (or try to hide it by making fart noises with my mouth or something else utterly lame), and the victim also does not seemingly respond, but I never really know if they know that I farted or not.
Have any of you been in the same dilemma, and what was your strategy? I'll add some stories if you guys are really interested :p
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with bean-o there will be no gas
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oh man D: your writing style made this very enjoyable >_>; ive never actually had a fart ive been ashamed of.
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What is needed to be able to rate blogs x)?
Strategy: don't eat apples and ask for a medicine in drugstore (I think there are some ;P)
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I think you're focusing too much on micro and neglecting your macro (eat less gassy foods?). Some sort of medication after you eat would probably help (like TUMS or something) if it gets extremely uncomfortable.
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if you want silent farts, just use ur left hand on ur left butt cheek to open up ur asshole for an easy release.
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On August 29 2008 10:06 CapO wrote:
if you want silent farts, just use ur left hand on ur left butt cheek to open up ur asshole for an easy release.
LOL
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I'd be curious to know what your diet consists of. I would guess that altering your diet would do a lot to help your gas problem. Might be something to research a bit on the google.
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I blame other people or I run away and let other people argue over who farted my fart.
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I must say, your blog made my night.
As for the strategy question... I've always just taken a trip to the bathroom. But I guess mine aren't as frequent as yours.
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Harness it and use it as a fuel source. :O
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LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL 5/5 ez i love you
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 that reminds me of the time in gr.8 english, where i farted in class and some girl pointed me out and told the class, i blamed it on the chair creaking but i think they knew i was lying =/
At work when i have gas (i work at a grocery store) i fart then leave right away and let customers assume it was other customers that did the fart, although some customers seem to beat me at my own game. other times i will go upstairs at work and release my fart when im running up the stairs because, a) its easier to fart when your ass/legs are in motion, b) the sound of my stomping up the stairs disguises the sound of my fart, and c) i fart halfway through the staircase, often where no one is. also the radio is playing on the intercom so that helps disguise the sound as well.
edit: also gr.9 gym when we did wrestling i would often fart when moving around the mat on the floor and the class would laugh
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well... one could carry a wupy cushion around and randomly setting it off so no one ever knows whether its real or not...
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On August 29 2008 11:04 Grobyc wrote: that reminds me of the time in gr.8 english, where i farted in class and some girl pointed me out and told the class, i blamed it on the chair creaking but i think they knew i was lying =/ At work when i have gas (i work at a grocery store) i fart then leave right away and let customers assume it was other customers that did the fart, although some customers seem to beat me at my own game. other times i will go upstairs at work and release my fart when im running up the stairs because, a) its easier to fart when your ass/legs are in motion, b) the sound of my stomping up the stairs disguises the sound of my fart, and c) i fart halfway through the staircase, often where no one is. also the radio is playing on the intercom so that helps disguise the sound as well. edit: also gr.9 gym when we did wrestling i would often fart when moving around the mat on the floor and the class would laugh
LOL, thats sad im sorry.
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Artosis
United States2140 Posts
if you have that much gas, you need to change your diet some. you probably have some level of lactose or wheat intolerance which is making excess gas.
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I was looking for fart pictures and I came across this:
Is that what I think it is :O oh my
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Oh man, I pretty much do the same thing.
Only thing is I usually hold it ALL in and wait for the opportune time. Sometimes a hapless individual will come by but I'm always far off. ^^
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United States11637 Posts
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that pic would be perfectt for its own thread like subtitle me and shit lol
"I sux my pwn cock... rofl sup?"
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jessu fuck that picture.
Hrm just do it and be like lulz sry had 2. Its not a big deal ==
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On August 29 2008 10:06 CapO wrote:
if you want silent farts, just use ur left hand on ur left butt cheek to open up ur asshole for an easy release.
Best strat ever. Unbeatable.
And that monkey picture is disturbing.
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United States1655 Posts
I agree with the spreading of the butt cheeks. It works like a charm for me unless I accidentally lose control of my butt muscles and end up just shooting out a loud fart. I also occasionally have farts simply rip out of my ass without warning when I squat, but I normally just pretend that nothing happened and hope no one says anything.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://images.teamsugar.com/files/usr/0/2635/untitled_3.bmp)
