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Active: 667 users

I have gas

Blogs > TeNken.1
Post a Reply
1 2 Next All
TeNken.1
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States226 Posts
August 29 2008 00:41 GMT
#1
I seem to fart around 10-20 times per day. This wouldn't be a problem if I could just sit at home all day and let em rip, but unfortunately I have a job and thus I am presented with certain...obstacles.

My daily objective is to pass the day without anyone detecting any of my flatulence. A fart has two primary components - Odor and Sound - and it is the dual (and inversely related) nature of these components that make my objective all the more difficult to accomplish.

The best way to pass gas silently is to remain as still as possible, hopefully sitting or at least standing with legs crossed leaning against a wall so that I can control the flow and thus minimize the sound emitted. However, the best way to combat the smell is by moving as much as possible, ideally by choosing a prime location to release and then bolting from said location asap.

Most of the time my fart is either weighted towards one extreme or the other, but there are rare occasions where I know a particularly nasty one is coming, I hear that characteristic "BEEP" followed by the words "Nuclear Launch Detected", and I know I only have so much time before it goes off and I'm caught in the blast zone. And I forgot to research cloak.

I have been able to time my trips to the bathroom and other misc travelling so that I know the chance of me passing gas in that interval is low, but there have been a couple times where I was out in halls of my office and had to either end a conversation with a coworker abrubtly (stinker) or extend a dull one even further (sonic boom?).

The absolute worst part of it is that when the occasional slip up does occur, I of course pretend that nothing has happened, (or try to hide it by making fart noises with my mouth or something else utterly lame), and the victim also does not seemingly respond, but I never really know if they know that I farted or not.

Have any of you been in the same dilemma, and what was your strategy? I'll add some stories if you guys are really interested :p

*****
"The G-Don is the official family hitman."
Nitrogen
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States5345 Posts
August 29 2008 00:43 GMT
#2
with bean-o there will be no gas
UNFUCK YOURSELF
Duke
Profile Blog Joined May 2006
United States1106 Posts
August 29 2008 00:45 GMT
#3
oh man D: your writing style made this very enjoyable >_>; ive never actually had a fart ive been ashamed of.
beetlelisk
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
Poland2276 Posts
August 29 2008 00:54 GMT
#4
What is needed to be able to rate blogs x)?

Strategy: don't eat apples and ask for a medicine in drugstore (I think there are some ;P)
wwww
ketomai
Profile Joined June 2007
United States2789 Posts
August 29 2008 00:55 GMT
#5
I think you're focusing too much on micro and neglecting your macro (eat less gassy foods?). Some sort of medication after you eat would probably help (like TUMS or something) if it gets extremely uncomfortable.
CapO
Profile Blog Joined March 2007
United States1615 Posts
August 29 2008 01:06 GMT
#6
if you want silent farts, just use ur left hand on ur left butt cheek to open up ur asshole for an easy release.
SNSD fan
DanceCommander
Profile Blog Joined May 2008
United States1808 Posts
August 29 2008 01:11 GMT
#7
On August 29 2008 10:06 CapO wrote:
if you want silent farts, just use ur left hand on ur left butt cheek to open up ur asshole for an easy release.


LOL
nA.Inky
Profile Blog Joined October 2004
United States794 Posts
August 29 2008 01:25 GMT
#8
I'd be curious to know what your diet consists of. I would guess that altering your diet would do a lot to help your gas problem. Might be something to research a bit on the google.
Email (use instead of PM): InkMeister at aol dot com AIM: InkMeister
il0seonpurpose
Profile Blog Joined January 2007
Korea (South)5638 Posts
August 29 2008 01:31 GMT
#9
I blame other people or I run away and let other people argue over who farted my fart.
DownMaxX
Profile Joined August 2008
Canada1311 Posts
August 29 2008 01:44 GMT
#10
I must say, your blog made my night.

As for the strategy question... I've always just taken a trip to the bathroom. But I guess mine aren't as frequent as yours.
parasite
GrayArea
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States872 Posts
August 29 2008 01:47 GMT
#11
Harness it and use it as a fuel source. :O
Kang Min Fighting!
DamageControL
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States4222 Posts
August 29 2008 01:49 GMT
#12
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL 5/5 ez i love you
Liquid | SKT
Grobyc
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada18410 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-08-29 02:06:50
August 29 2008 02:04 GMT
#13
that reminds me of the time in gr.8 english, where i farted in class and some girl pointed me out and told the class, i blamed it on the chair creaking but i think they knew i was lying =/
At work when i have gas (i work at a grocery store) i fart then leave right away and let customers assume it was other customers that did the fart, although some customers seem to beat me at my own game. other times i will go upstairs at work and release my fart when im running up the stairs because, a) its easier to fart when your ass/legs are in motion, b) the sound of my stomping up the stairs disguises the sound of my fart, and c) i fart halfway through the staircase, often where no one is. also the radio is playing on the intercom so that helps disguise the sound as well.
edit: also gr.9 gym when we did wrestling i would often fart when moving around the mat on the floor and the class would laugh
If you watch Godzilla backwards it's about a benevolent lizard who helps rebuild a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.
liger13
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States1060 Posts
August 29 2008 02:10 GMT
#14
well... one could carry a wupy cushion around and randomly setting it off so no one ever knows whether its real or not...
I feel like pwning noobs
InfeSteD
Profile Blog Joined December 2006
United States4658 Posts
August 29 2008 02:42 GMT
#15
On August 29 2008 11:04 Grobyc wrote:
that reminds me of the time in gr.8 english, where i farted in class and some girl pointed me out and told the class, i blamed it on the chair creaking but i think they knew i was lying =/
At work when i have gas (i work at a grocery store) i fart then leave right away and let customers assume it was other customers that did the fart, although some customers seem to beat me at my own game. other times i will go upstairs at work and release my fart when im running up the stairs because, a) its easier to fart when your ass/legs are in motion, b) the sound of my stomping up the stairs disguises the sound of my fart, and c) i fart halfway through the staircase, often where no one is. also the radio is playing on the intercom so that helps disguise the sound as well.
edit: also gr.9 gym when we did wrestling i would often fart when moving around the mat on the floor and the class would laugh


LOL, thats sad im sorry.
w/e
Artosis *
Profile Blog Joined June 2004
United States2140 Posts
August 29 2008 02:44 GMT
#16
if you have that much gas, you need to change your diet some. you probably have some level of lactose or wheat intolerance which is making excess gas.
Commentatorhttp://twitter.com/Artosis
InfeSteD
Profile Blog Joined December 2006
United States4658 Posts
August 29 2008 02:45 GMT
#17
I was looking for fart pictures and I came across this:

[image loading]


Is that what I think it is :O oh my
w/e
BanZu
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
United States3329 Posts
August 29 2008 03:01 GMT
#18
Oh man, I pretty much do the same thing.

Only thing is I usually hold it ALL in and wait for the opportune time. Sometimes a hapless individual will come by but I'm always far off. ^^
Sun Tzu once said, "Defiler becomes useless at the presences of a vessel."
boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
August 29 2008 05:20 GMT
#19
--- Nuked ---
InfeSteD
Profile Blog Joined December 2006
United States4658 Posts
August 29 2008 05:25 GMT
#20
that pic would be perfectt for its own thread like subtitle me and shit lol

"I sux my pwn cock... rofl sup?"
w/e
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