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Mexico2170 Posts
Have you ever felt hatred? I'm not saying the "I hate pinneapple" kind. i'm talking about absolute overwhelming hate.
It's interesting just how strong of a feeling true hatred is. As strong as the pure passion of a blooming love. An anger that exceeds all limits and yet it's no explosive, but constant. A pain so great it makes you take action instead of depressed. You hear the expresion "burning hate". It really does burn. You feel it inside, just like when you stomach hurts when youre in love and something happens. Just how your heart physically hurts after a break up. It is there, inside. It's to big to ignore.
She got away with it, again. It's been three years now, and today she got away with it again.
My baby was born more than three years ago. She stole it from me. For years I've tried to be with him, seeing him from time to time when she would let me while we would try to get into an arrengement. It never happened. When the time was coming to register she would always have an excuse, a new expectation, a complain and would not fulfull her part of the agreement. She had me like that for two years. Only able to see him a couple of hours per week under her conditions. Always promising things she never meant to keep. I lost so much time, I caused so much pain. The pandemic slowed everythign down. My stupid country stopped all civil lawsuits during lock down, I couldn't sue her. I lost a year. Finally I was able to sue her this year, and six months later we had our first hearing.
We sat down to try to negotiate in front of our layers and a goverment representative. If we agreed it would be solved today. If we didn't we would go to the judge and he would initiate the process and review the claims and accept the ones that were valid and then start the process of requesting DNA tests, testimonials etc.
We talked for hours...I went and accepted plenty of her request. I wanted to get this over with. It's been so heavy, I'm just so tired. I went without hate, dare I say it I went with love, trying to find the best thing for my son and to have every consideration for her. We agreed on everything. Everything except the last thing...We couldn't reach an agreement because of that, the Judge would need to hear our case in a hearing and proceed. Except, the chat took too much time and the time for the hearing had passed. I bet she planned this from the start. It took so long the Judge couldn't hear us today, and thus a new meeting was arranged. A new meeting 3 months from now on mid january.
And I hate her. After three years of stealing my baby, of denying me the right to take care of him, name him, bear my surename, seeing my family, loving him, she won again. She won another 3 months of nothing. Of enjoying my son alongside her new partner which she has instrcted my son to call him "dad". Three more months of a void inside me. And then, some more months, becasue who knows when the testimonials will be taken, and the DNA test scheduled, and the resolution, and then the contests. My lawer says he expects the first sentence on April. I'm not expeciting to be able to see him until next year around this date.
I've lost so much. I missed his first words. I missed his first walk. I missed teaching him to go to the bathroom, the colors and the numbers. I'm not that good but I've learned a thing or two in life. There is so much things I could have tought him so far. And I need him. My life is a mess and a little one of his kissed or hugs would help so much right now.
My grandfather died, he wasn't able to meet his great grandson. I begged her to take the baby to visit him once. She said no because he had cancer and that would be bad for the baby. I said cancer isn't contagious, she said she didn't care and I hated her.
My grandmother was so happy when she became aware I was having a son. She was so excited to meet her only great grand son. She died without ever meeting him. I was able to show her a photo of him in her last day of conciousness, hours before her death. She smiled.
I sent the mother of my son a message telling her my grandmother had died. She replied "that's good".
She's not a human. She's a monster. She's not a "crazy ex". She is evil. And I hate her.
My mother got diagnosed with cancer November last year. Not curable, but maybe can be controlled. It seems this year the tretment has worked, but you never know when it can stop working. She doesn't care.
How many more people have to die before she's satisfied? I'll be alive for a while, I hope, but what about the rest people around me? I have another grandmother, she was able to meet him once...but that's not enough. She's still alive, but who knows for how long.
I never did anything to justify this. I loved her. Sometimes I think I still do, but then I realize the person I loved doesn't exist, at least not anymore. I made mistakes, I was not perfect, but never did I do anything remotely close to this. I was afraid, I wasn't sure if I should marry her. I should have. Even if we had split up at least I would have my baby. A year and a half ago, the last time I saw him, she used to call me dad. Now I don't know if he'll recognize me.
I need to do something. I can't just sit here for three months while people die around me and I continue to be and aimless living death. This ruined my last years at school, I should have finished 2 years ago already. I literally became dumber due to the stress and I don't think I even have what it takes to finish anymore, I cant learn a thing. I got fired from my job due to the pandemic and only got a new one this last week.
I can't just sit here waiting for three months without doing anything, and then more months, and more months and more while life fades away and I've already lost so much. She doesn't care, she's got a job, she's got a new couple and she's got my baby. I cannot just sit here to wait. I need to do something. But I don't want to do something. I want to do whats right, and even then nothing guarantees things will be alright. I might even end up losing the one thing we disagreed on that didn't let us to get to the judge today (having my surename).
I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow. I'll probably delete this. But today I just feel hate again. And an unending sadness.
I should have seen this coming. I should have seen the red flags. I should have ended the relationship way before it came to this. But it's done, and I'm so happy my baby exist, but I just cant forgive me. For being so naive, for being so scared, for being so dumb. I should have been prepared to take care of them, I should have been prepared to better face her. I know she is doing this in bad faith, that she is a monster, but I could have prevented some of this f I had been better, or at least solving it better.
I just want to apologize to my baby for taking so long to be able to fix this. I've apologized to my parent for my failures, to my late grandparents in heaven which I hope it exist so they can hear me. And I have tried to apologize to myself. But some sins can be forgiven. I can't forgive myself, and I will never forgive her.
I don't know what to do. I need to do something. I don't know what I'll do.
 
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I'm sorry that sounds really painful. I can relate to that urge to just do something, anything, to escape mental anguish. I think sometimes there's little we can do materially to change things, only distract until better opportunities arise. Makes me think of being stuck in a storm at sea, feeling seasick, and all you can do is hang on and think of the future...
Just from a random outsider's perspective I don't think you deserve the harsh judgement you are laying on yourself. Try to forgive yourself if possible and it will make it easier to hopefully forgive her too eventually. Try not to dwell on "should haves", it only causes pain for no benefit. Anyway sorry and hang in there.
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i doubt venting on the internet will help
User was warned for this post.
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I read your full story. I can sympathize a bit.
You know I always live by the principle: "Be the best that you can be. Don't worry about how people act towards you to towards others. They cannot judge you. You cannot judge them. What you leave on this world after you enter your grave is the only thing that matters."
I am sure you are concerned with your baby right now, but I think your baby cannot be the center of your life. You alone are.
Why? Cuz your baby will grow up. He will have friends, girlfriends, his own wife (or her own husband). You are probably not going to be the most (or second most important person) to him/her. That's just life.
My grandma used to tell me (and she has Alzheimer disease!): whatever you do, make sure you find a wife and treasure her more than your parents. Because your parents don't stay with you forever, but your wife does.
In a sense, I am urging you to find a new wife, start a new life. But in another sense, I am just hoping that you take your attention away from your baby. It's taking a toll on your energy.
Your baby will grow up almost fine without you. Who knows, can the new Dad will be better than you as a father? Nobody knows, not even yourself. The most you can do is try your best to fulfill your parental responsibilities, try to mend your relationship with your ex-wife and make her understand your sincerity (and that you have no intention of messing up her new "perfect" family). Sure you can continue to sue and try to "gain back" what you think you rightfully own. But I think nobody ever truly owns anything. Your baby's life is his/her own, not yours.
As long as your baby knows that his real father exists somewhere else, when the time comes, he will come closer to you. That's if you fulfilled your parental duty in the best way possible in the upcoming 15-18 years.
Instead, find something that you can create value with with your life. Your job? Your rediscovered childhood hobbies? Heck, I just started playing piano seriously again after 5-7 years of focusing on my career. You can check out my tl.net blog for some of the songs. Now that's something I can feel proud to have created if I die one day (and I cannot say the same thing about my job).
That's just my opinion. I hope it helps in some ways.
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I'd say I'd need the other half of the story in order to make a proper judgment. This elaborate plea makes you seem like some sort of a victim and I'm certain that was your goal. Let me be at least a little skeptic. For we never know, you might have abused this girl in countless ways before she took the step to throw out of her life. For all we know, she might have all the proper arguments for you not to see the child. Such a severe response from her makes me inclined to think you did a grave mistake along the way, something you conveniently omit in your description. You're hiding behind words like "I wasn't perfect," but such platitudes serve little to make me feel anything besides forming the opinion that you're one pathetic whiner and maybe women abuser.
Even the part where your grandma died, when the girl said "That's good." Gloating over someone's death is in no way pretty, I can assent to that. But without knowing anything else, how can we actually judge about the propriety of the response? Maybe your grandma talked to the girl with some abusive words for years, we don't know. Also maybe it never happened and you're inventing it to portray this girl as some despicable person, incapable of pity.
We have to take your words for the entire situation, one that's obviously complex and multi-faceted. I just can't, I really would like to see the girl's version before forming an opinion on the whole matter.
As for your hatred, anger and sadness - seems to me they're all your doing. If you realize their uselessness and the harm they're inflicting, maybe you'll get rid of them. For it is your judgments that make you feel this way, yours and no one else's. I can't force you to feel angry or sad, I can say some words and then you interpret them and you start feeling some way. It's the same now - just as you've put yourself in some absurd and apparently frustrating situation, you're the one that can solve it and move on.
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Mexico2170 Posts
For what is worth, I'm a little better now, I was feeling pretty lost.
On October 23 2021 06:40 Jubinell wrote:
I read your full story. I can sympathize a bit.
You know I always live by the principle: "Be the best that you can be. Don't worry about how people act towards you to towards others. They cannot judge you. You cannot judge them. What you leave on this world after you enter your grave is the only thing that matters."
I am sure you are concerned with your baby right now, but I think your baby cannot be the center of your life. You alone are.
Why? Cuz your baby will grow up. He will have friends, girlfriends, his own wife (or her own husband). You are probably not going to be the most (or second most important person) to him/her. That's just life.
My grandma used to tell me (and she has Alzheimer disease!): whatever you do, make sure you find a wife and treasure her more than your parents. Because your parents don't stay with you forever, but your wife does.
In a sense, I am urging you to find a new wife, start a new life. But in another sense, I am just hoping that you take your attention away from your baby. It's taking a toll on your energy.
Your baby will grow up almost fine without you. Who knows, can the new Dad will be better than you as a father? Nobody knows, not even yourself. The most you can do is try your best to fulfill your parental responsibilities, try to mend your relationship with your ex-wife and make her understand your sincerity (and that you have no intention of messing up her new "perfect" family). Sure you can continue to sue and try to "gain back" what you think you rightfully own. But I think nobody ever truly owns anything. Your baby's life is his/her own, not yours.
As long as your baby knows that his real father exists somewhere else, when the time comes, he will come closer to you. That's if you fulfilled your parental duty in the best way possible in the upcoming 15-18 years.
Instead, find something that you can create value with with your life. Your job? Your rediscovered childhood hobbies? Heck, I just started playing piano seriously again after 5-7 years of focusing on my career. You can check out my tl.net blog for some of the songs. Now that's something I can feel proud to have created if I die one day (and I cannot say the same thing about my job).
That's just my opinion. I hope it helps in some ways.
Thank you, I appreciate this post. You come with a very different mindset than I have and helped me see things in a different angle. The thing that hurts the most for me is time, which never comes back, and I've lost too much time, my mother has cancer, my grandparetns died etc. I know that I (should) live for a while, at least enough to get through this and gain the parenthood officially, but still, I've lost so many moments. When this happened I lost my son and my relationship, and with that my best friend. I was pretty alone and thus I put into my son all my desires to live. I think it isn't wrong to put your son as the most important person in your life, but now that I think about it maybe I was doing it wrong. Like when you obssess over a girlfriend and make them your life, instead of just having your life, loving it and loving her and sharing your life with her. That's interesting advice. I have seen your blogs about the piano (though I haven't made a comment). I used to play the piano as well, maybe I should go back. For now I'll continue the trial and try to save some money for him, and try to think of ways I can be a good parent when I finally am able to do it. And focus on myself in the meantime. As you said...this is taking a big toll on me. It's important, but I cant continue in the state I was a couple of days ago. Thank you for taking the time to write something and symphatize with a stranger, I appreciate people like you.
On October 24 2021 18:17 JoinTheRain wrote:
I'd say I'd need the other half of the story in order to make a proper judgment. This elaborate plea makes you seem like some sort of a victim and I'm certain that was your goal. Let me be at least a little skeptic. For we never know, you might have abused this girl in countless ways before she took the step to throw out of her life. For all we know, she might have all the proper arguments for you not to see the child. Such a severe response from her makes me inclined to think you did a grave mistake along the way, something you conveniently omit in your description. You're hiding behind words like "I wasn't perfect," but such platitudes serve little to make me feel anything besides forming the opinion that you're one pathetic whiner and maybe women abuser.
Even the part where your grandma died, when the girl said "That's good." Gloating over someone's death is in no way pretty, I can assent to that. But without knowing anything else, how can we actually judge about the propriety of the response? Maybe your grandma talked to the girl with some abusive words for years, we don't know. Also maybe it never happened and you're inventing it to portray this girl as some despicable person, incapable of pity.
We have to take your words for the entire situation, one that's obviously complex and multi-faceted. I just can't, I really would like to see the girl's version before forming an opinion on the whole matter.
As for your hatred, anger and sadness - seems to me they're all your doing. If you realize their uselessness and the harm they're inflicting, maybe you'll get rid of them. For it is your judgments that make you feel this way, yours and no one else's. I can't force you to feel angry or sad, I can say some words and then you interpret them and you start feeling some way. It's the same now - just as you've put yourself in some absurd and apparently frustrating situation, you're the one that can solve it and move on.
I see where you're coming from since whenever there is, for example a streaming calling out an abuser/bad person on twitter, I always wait to hear from the other side. That being said, it doesn't really apply here.
I had no goal here other to vent. I was alone, it was at night and I was lost. Didn't want to call friends or anything. I was here on TL and saw some blogs. I wasn't trying to denounce her, she doesn't come here, will never know I wrote this and you will never know who she is. I didn't come here to randomly lie about a random and anonymous girl, so I have no reason to lie here. If I had named her, or if she was a public person maybe that would apply, but not in this case.
In any case, I understand how it might appear suspicious that her reaction was so drastic and I apparently didn't do anything to warrant it. Many people around me ask the same thing. The truth is I was scared when she got pregnant, and I didn't manage it well, I should have been more supportive. Slowly I started to get a git and be more suportive but then other issues started to come up. We were never compatible for a long term relationship, but we were too naive to realize. Fortunately she doesn't (as far as I know) say I did anything bad to her, though she does say don't want to take care of the baby. Fortunately the one thing I do have is the lawsuit where it's very clearly indicated I started it. But yeah in any case, this wasn't meant to be a two sides of the story thing, cause she'll never come here to say it...I just wanted to vent.
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Russian Federation102 Posts
hatred is good for you as long as you can channel it properly.
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EPT
