It's interesting just how strong of a feeling true hatred is. As strong as the pure passion of a blooming love. An anger that exceeds all limits and yet it's no explosive, but constant. A pain so great it makes you take action instead of depressed. You hear the expresion "burning hate". It really does burn. You feel it inside, just like when you stomach hurts when youre in love and something happens. Just how your heart physically hurts after a break up. It is there, inside. It's to big to ignore.
She got away with it, again. It's been three years now, and today she got away with it again.
My baby was born more than three years ago. She stole it from me. For years I've tried to be with him, seeing him from time to time when she would let me while we would try to get into an arrengement. It never happened. When the time was coming to register she would always have an excuse, a new expectation, a complain and would not fulfull her part of the agreement. She had me like that for two years. Only able to see him a couple of hours per week under her conditions. Always promising things she never meant to keep. I lost so much time, I caused so much pain. The pandemic slowed everythign down. My stupid country stopped all civil lawsuits during lock down, I couldn't sue her. I lost a year. Finally I was able to sue her this year, and six months later we had our first hearing.
We sat down to try to negotiate in front of our layers and a goverment representative. If we agreed it would be solved today. If we didn't we would go to the judge and he would initiate the process and review the claims and accept the ones that were valid and then start the process of requesting DNA tests, testimonials etc.
We talked for hours...I went and accepted plenty of her request. I wanted to get this over with. It's been so heavy, I'm just so tired. I went without hate, dare I say it I went with love, trying to find the best thing for my son and to have every consideration for her. We agreed on everything. Everything except the last thing...We couldn't reach an agreement because of that, the Judge would need to hear our case in a hearing and proceed. Except, the chat took too much time and the time for the hearing had passed. I bet she planned this from the start. It took so long the Judge couldn't hear us today, and thus a new meeting was arranged. A new meeting 3 months from now on mid january.
And I hate her. After three years of stealing my baby, of denying me the right to take care of him, name him, bear my surename, seeing my family, loving him, she won again. She won another 3 months of nothing. Of enjoying my son alongside her new partner which she has instrcted my son to call him "dad". Three more months of a void inside me. And then, some more months, becasue who knows when the testimonials will be taken, and the DNA test scheduled, and the resolution, and then the contests. My lawer says he expects the first sentence on April. I'm not expeciting to be able to see him until next year around this date.
I've lost so much. I missed his first words. I missed his first walk. I missed teaching him to go to the bathroom, the colors and the numbers. I'm not that good but I've learned a thing or two in life. There is so much things I could have tought him so far. And I need him. My life is a mess and a little one of his kissed or hugs would help so much right now.
My grandfather died, he wasn't able to meet his great grandson. I begged her to take the baby to visit him once. She said no because he had cancer and that would be bad for the baby. I said cancer isn't contagious, she said she didn't care and I hated her.
My grandmother was so happy when she became aware I was having a son. She was so excited to meet her only great grand son. She died without ever meeting him. I was able to show her a photo of him in her last day of conciousness, hours before her death. She smiled.
I sent the mother of my son a message telling her my grandmother had died. She replied "that's good".
She's not a human. She's a monster. She's not a "crazy ex". She is evil. And I hate her.
My mother got diagnosed with cancer November last year. Not curable, but maybe can be controlled. It seems this year the tretment has worked, but you never know when it can stop working. She doesn't care.
How many more people have to die before she's satisfied? I'll be alive for a while, I hope, but what about the rest people around me? I have another grandmother, she was able to meet him once...but that's not enough. She's still alive, but who knows for how long.
I never did anything to justify this. I loved her. Sometimes I think I still do, but then I realize the person I loved doesn't exist, at least not anymore. I made mistakes, I was not perfect, but never did I do anything remotely close to this. I was afraid, I wasn't sure if I should marry her. I should have. Even if we had split up at least I would have my baby. A year and a half ago, the last time I saw him, she used to call me dad. Now I don't know if he'll recognize me.
I need to do something. I can't just sit here for three months while people die around me and I continue to be and aimless living death. This ruined my last years at school, I should have finished 2 years ago already. I literally became dumber due to the stress and I don't think I even have what it takes to finish anymore, I cant learn a thing. I got fired from my job due to the pandemic and only got a new one this last week.
I can't just sit here waiting for three months without doing anything, and then more months, and more months and more while life fades away and I've already lost so much. She doesn't care, she's got a job, she's got a new couple and she's got my baby. I cannot just sit here to wait. I need to do something. But I don't want to do something. I want to do whats right, and even then nothing guarantees things will be alright. I might even end up losing the one thing we disagreed on that didn't let us to get to the judge today (having my surename).
I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow. I'll probably delete this. But today I just feel hate again. And an unending sadness.
I should have seen this coming. I should have seen the red flags. I should have ended the relationship way before it came to this. But it's done, and I'm so happy my baby exist, but I just cant forgive me. For being so naive, for being so scared, for being so dumb. I should have been prepared to take care of them, I should have been prepared to better face her. I know she is doing this in bad faith, that she is a monster, but I could have prevented some of this f I had been better, or at least solving it better.
I just want to apologize to my baby for taking so long to be able to fix this. I've apologized to my parent for my failures, to my late grandparents in heaven which I hope it exist so they can hear me. And I have tried to apologize to myself. But some sins can be forgiven. I can't forgive myself, and I will never forgive her.
I don't know what to do. I need to do something. I don't know what I'll do.