Good-bye

this is coming from someone who has just within the past three days lost a relationship with the man he loved, who he lost his virginity with, and so such a perspective, i think, is needed for people in your situation. it is easy for those with an external view of the situation to make comments using logic and rationale. it is easy, when not trapped in the emotional pain that things like this cause, to tell someone else to get over it, or that it's not a big deal. but this is not how emotions work, nor is it how the human mind works. love overcomes logic; this is what makes it so powerful.

everyone knows what love is, yet different people can experience a different form of it in the same relationship. i learned that through my last one. we would hold each other in our arms, looking at each other directly in the eyes. i would say i love you, and he would say it back. one day, he stopped saying this, and thusly ended the relationship. he was not very happy with doing so, but his feelings toward me did change, despite the fact that i was growing more and more attached to him as the days went by. the thing that is important to remember about love is that even though you consider yourselves "together", this does not mean that there is only one bond, or one state of attachment shared by the both of you. you have your own need, which is satisfied by them, and they have their own separate need, which is satisfied by you. your own attachment to that person will not keep that person attached to you. the degree to which this need exists and the degree to which your lover satisfies it, both are affected by your internal state, and likewise for your lover.

you may even think that you have control over your own love for someone else, but you don't. people, in spite of being treated badly by the one they love, still stay with them, even if it becomes abusive. if it were a controllable force, these people would be able to turn off that switch that makes them love the other person. the logic would be that the violent abuse would be negative, so turning off the love switch for that person would keep you from needing them. but this is not how love works. as you said, it is controlled by itself. and if they fall out of love with you, it was not your fault. the love you both feel is separate, even if it may feel that the two of you are so close that your love merges with their love and that they become one thing, they don't.

i know exactly how you feel right now, and i am experiencing this struggle while you do. you think you can't learn to love again - i feel this way too, but this isn't true. you can't learn to love right now, though, because your feelings for this person are still there. your love is holding onto that person, and it can only hold on to one person at a time. it has to let go before it can grab someone else. depending on how close you got, how many experiences you shared, and how long the two of you have been together, it will take a certain amount of time before you can let go. from my experiences and the experiences of my close friends and family that i have seen, i have come up with my own understanding of how long it will take, and this assumes that the two of you got as close as possible: ie, lost virginity to, frequent physical contact and affection, sexual experiences in general. you will need as much time that would be directly proportional to how long you were with that person, but only up to a certain length of time. for instance, if you were with someone for 6 months, it would take you around 6 months to truly get over the other person. if you were with someone for two years, it might take two years, or you could have hit that maximum length of time, and that maximum just depends on the person.

what you need right now are friends. very very good friends. friends that are willing to give you physical comfort and words of love and support. you may need to be with them as often as possible; i know that i do. every second that i am alone right now makes me feel awful, so i try never to be alone. you need friends that if you feel like talking about it, they will listen. if you need to go out and try having fun with them to get your mind off of it, they will need to let this happen. if you need them to be with you in your own home and relax and appreciate their company, they need to do this for you. but whatever you and your friend(s) do together, it must be decided by you. only you will know what your aching heart needs to recover, not them. if they suggest doing something, for example going to a movie, and you feel that you can't bear to go, and that you would prefer to stay indoors, they should not make you. you need understanding friends who are willing to be with you in whatever way you need them to be. you may need to express this fact to them, in case they don't understand because not all people can see this. some people think that you just need to leave the house and do stuff, and that will solve it for anyone, so you do need to make sure they realize that you are the one going through the pain and you are the one who knows how your time should be spent with your friend(s) to help you.

if you don't have this type of a friend, then you need to look toward anyone in your family that can help. i would assume that most people would think of their mothers before their fathers, because women are more emotional and could empathize better than a male could, but this isn't always the case and i could be wrong. look toward anyone in your family who you feel close to and that you trust. and they need to be as supportive and helpful and flexible as your friends would have needed to be. if it isn't either of your parents, think of an uncle or aunt, maybe a grandparent, or someone that you know has the maturity to understand the situation you are in.

in the event that your family is not very understanding, and that you lack the type of friend needed for you, then you need to look somewhere. think about anyone you may work with who likes you a lot, and who would be willing to listen to you, comfort you and support you. look for support groups of any kind.

it is crucial that you find some other human being that can understand your pain and that can hold you up. it won't make you feel the same as you did when you were with the person you loved, but it will make you feel a lot better than you would if you were alone. don't look to the internet for support; you need the presence of another human being. a fundamental aspect of the human heart (note not the physical heart but the parts of the mind that make emotions) is that it is most satisfied by other humans. this is a fact that existed long before the internet or cellphones or radios were even conceived as ideas, so naturally the best thing to get is the real thing. go to whoever you can trust in your life that will comfort you and support you.

for me, i knew i would be able to sustain my love for him as long as he was a kind and gentle person and gave me the affection that i needed as a human being. why couldn't he sustain his love for me in the same way? i don't know; i don't understand it and i probably never will. i have cried every day since i lost him; i have dreamt every night about him since i lost him. i punched four holes in my wall when i realized he didn't love me anymore, and i have broken down in front of friends and family because the pain was too much to contain. if anyone on this forum can feel your pain, i can. it is not easy to eat, laugh, or think when your heart is torn apart. but the pain will go away. you will be able to feel alive without this person someday, i know it's not something you want to hear, and i hate thinking of life without my lover just as much as you do, but it's going to happen. you will recover, and eventually you will be able to move on and learn to love again. but you need to get off of the computer and find your family or friends and get them to comfort you.

even if you didn't need my advice and were following it already, i hope reading this has meant something to you. from one broken heart to another, i wish you luck and happiness.