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United States4883 Posts
Hey guys, I've come out in pretty much every other channel of my life besides TL.net, but I wasn't sure sure how to approach this here, especially considering my fairly impassioned rant in the recent thread about Rapid and others. TL.net has a pretty wide demographic, and I know that I made some enemies recently who might take any opportunity to take a cheap shot at me, so I've been hesitant to post despite the progress I've made elsewhere. I think it's time to explain things now.
I just want to preface by saying that my new life goal is to educate and inform people of trans issues, especially because it's an incredibly misunderstood and misrepresented topic, and so I want to be really open and answer any and all questions brought forward in good faith.
For those that don't know what transgender means, it is characterized by something called "gender dysphoria", which is officially defined as "having a marked incongruity between one's perceived gender and the one they were assigned at birth". This is an impossibly complicated subject to cover in a quick paragraph, but suffice it to say that gender identity and sex are far more complicated than which genitals you were born with, and even though genitals are typically the basis for assigning gender at birth, that's not always correct. If you want to talk more about the science in the comments, feel free to ask questions.
For me, I didn't know I was transgender until I few months ago. I had suppressed and hidden so many memories (which I'm still untangling and attempting to revisit) that related to discomfort with my gender that I seriously brainwashed myself into believing 100% that I was cis and just couldn't function like other people. I lost the better part of my 20s due to chronic depression, an inability to mature emotionally, and the sense that I had no hope or future because I couldn't imagine myself as a successful man. These are all products of the trauma I endured during puberty which essentially stunted my growth as a human being for over 10 years. I attempted to cope with it by taking on a hyper masculine appearance and attitude and developing a mindset of toxic masculinity, but I have always felt really uncomfortable pretending to be "one of the guys".
The process of recognizing that I was transgender was honestly pretty rapid, but as soon as I knew, I knew. I spent an agonizing week in April questioning everything about myself and looking up resources on trans people to better understand if I fit that criteria, and once I finally allowed myself to look into that world, I was immediately floored by how much I related to other trans people's stories. For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged and that I wasn't mentally ill or too fucked up to ever function like a normal human being. I felt free. My entire life I had believed that I had to fill out a certain checklist or have certain features to ever be considered a girl, but it was striking realizing that I could be a girl just by...being one. I know that that statement is probably pretty befuddling and makes little sense to a cis person, but it was the sense that I could finally just be myself, even if I didn't fit into a stereotypical role or have the physical characteristics that went with who I perceived myself to be.
Since then, I have started hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which has helped me feel so much more comfortable in my own body. Today is the 1 month mark since starting HRT, and although changes are painfully, imperceptibly slow, it gives me hope that I seriously have a future ahead of me. There's a lot of work to be done regarding the damage that testosterone has done to my body, particularly the abundance of body hair and the theft of hair on top of my head. Both can be corrected but take a lot of time and money to fix while causing me daily discomfort, so I'm hoping to have some real progress on both by 6 months from now. (Again, if you have any questions regarding HRT and medically transitioning, I'm glad to answer anything in the comments below).
I am so much happier now with my life, and I'm becoming comfortable with who I am finally.
SIDENOTE: You may have remembered me posting about my gf. She's the biggest lesbian and loves me so completely for who I am, and that level of acceptance at a time when I'm still having difficulty accepting myself when I look in the mirror is so incredibly affirming and wonderful. She's the best in the entire world, and I hope I get to go see her soon so I can take lots of pictures and share :p.
EDIT: My name is Allyssa (ah-LEE-sah), and I use she/her pronouns. TL.net account will probably get changed soonish.
 
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Congrats on the coming out!
FWIW I thought your posts in the Rapid thread were right on, impassioned rants or not 
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Congrats! You do you
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Congrats man, that's truly great you found yourself like that.
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That's great. Now I can tell everyone Bigfan is constantly losing to a girl.
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Thank you for comming out here as well. Congrats for taking that step. be ensured that the majority here isn t offended by this at all. It YOUR live and YOUR body. So it s your choice. I hope the society changes to the better, that no one will ever even have a doubt, if they are going to be judged about such a topic.
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United States4883 Posts
On July 27 2020 19:49 JieXian wrote:
That's great. Now I can tell everyone Bigfan is constantly losing to a girl.
I already tease him enough about it :p.
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your Country52797 Posts
Best of luck with your transition 
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Congrats!
Are we deadnaming you if we refer to you as John now?
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Congrats Its not easy coming out, but i'm glad you felt comfortable enough on TL to do it
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It's always welcome when people actually do something to get closer to what they feel happiness consists of. Having said that, I can not help but wonder: why did you decide to be vocal about that? Couldn't you be who you feel you are in silence? I do not mean to condemn a thing, I am the last one to shame folks, I know I have more than enough vices to overcome before I become a tolerable person and I can not even dream of becoming a good man. I am coming out from my own way of dealing with whatever which is to not tell anyone and think on the matters on my own. And seeing that you do the opposite thing, I became curious. Mark this as well - I can not yet say whose way is better or if a thing as a "better way" exists, I would just like to know your motivation, that is all.
Oh And gl with your transition! To me it seems like an insurmountable task to rebel against nature but I wish you all the success there is!
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United States4883 Posts
On July 28 2020 00:45 Nebuchad wrote:
Congrats!
Are we deadnaming you if we refer to you as John now?
Oh shit, I probably should have mentioned that. I go by Allyssa (ah-LEE-sah) Grey now, and I'm working on changing my name across all sites. Pronouns are she/her. Thanks for asking!
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United States4883 Posts
On July 28 2020 03:37 JoinTheRain wrote:It's always welcome when people actually do something to get closer to what they feel happiness consists of. Having said that, I can not help but wonder: why did you decide to be vocal about that? Couldn't you be who you feel you are in silence? I do not mean to condemn a thing, I am the last one to shame folks, I know I have more than enough vices to overcome before I become a tolerable person and I can not even dream of becoming a good man. I am coming out from my own way of dealing with whatever which is to not tell anyone and think on the matters on my own. And seeing that you do the opposite thing, I became curious. Mark this as well - I can not yet say whose way is better or if a thing as a "better way" exists, I would just like to know your motivation, that is all. Oh And gl with your transition! To me it seems like an insurmountable task to rebel against nature but I wish you all the success there is!
Being trans is a big part of my identity. It would be nice to just quietly blend into society as a "normal" woman, but that's not exactly what I am, and I'm proud of who I am. I'm not rebelling against nature, this is how nature made me; it took a lot of time to admit that to myself because for 15 years I had convinced myself that transitioning was "going against nature". Sex and gender is very complicated and more like a complex set of traits that lean in one direction or the other, not a binary ruleset in which there are only two options.
No one ever taught me this, and as a result, I suffered a lot as a teen and young adult. I don't want anyone else to feel like that, and so I believe strongly in informing other people so that 1) cis people can be far better allies and that 2) trans people, especially trans girls, have information available to them earlier in life so they don't go through a lot of pains to reverse or cope with their first puberty. HRT is literally a lifesaving treatment, and it's surprisingly effective in completely transforming human bodies and treating gender dysphoria.
(To be clear, children between 12-16ish DO NOT take hormones, they take puberty blockers which essentially delay puberty until they feel old enough and ready to decide. Multiple studies have confirmed that gender identity is pretty solidified at an early age, and very, very few young people detransition after starting treatment.)
All this is to say that I still process through my feelings and revisit my trauma independently, but I think it's really important to share my struggles with gender dysphoria and depression and whatever else so that others can find something to relate to and understand that they're not alone. It's really important to me that we all recognize the traits we share in the human condition, and that no matter how we look or act or talk or perceive others, we're all connected by similar threads.
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Congrats! I'm super happy for you
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Italy12246 Posts
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You have been through a lot and it's amazing to see you speak so openly and happily about your experiences. Not everyone has the courage to be who they want to be and it takes real strength to potentially risk the relationships you have had for a long time and cherish because you want people to understand who you are. Great job girl!
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Congratulations for coming out Allyssa, that takes a lot of courage! I support you for standing up for who you are!
Regarding your explanation about your gender identity: i always thought, starting from the point where i heard about transgender like 20 years ago or so, that you ARE who you FEEL like. Our mind says so much more about our gender than our pure sex. So if your saying your a woman, you're a woman to me, easy as that!
I wanna take the opportunity to say a word or two about what i said in the sexual harassment thread aswell, since you opened up the topic:
As you hopefully see now, my arguments contrary to yours or other people in that thread do not stem from a wish to trivialize abuse of women or justify them.
But im very sceptical still about the way arguments are shared in Social media communication and how people are condemned before knowing all the facts. In that regard i found- still find- great parts in that thread wildly disturbing.
And, regarding you in person, i found it very bewildering when tl staff uses their tl staff position in order to personally attack other users without risking mod action.
I called you out on that, you stood up to that beeing true, so im genuinly past it. I hope so are you?
So again, wholeheartedly: congratulations to your courageous coming out and wish you all the best EsportsAllyssa
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United States10315 Posts
From ASL3 to now, it's been an awesome journey with you. Here's to the future with us and many more casts together <3
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Hyrule19193 Posts
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First of al, congrats.
Secondly, and you can dismiss it (or outright call me out on me being dismissive or something) if you want to: what made you decide to choose Alyssa? The name just clicked? Did you want to distance yourself from John because that was a part of your male chapter of your life (I don't know if I worded that correctly, so apologies if I didn't )? If you could elaborate a bit on that, that would be cool.
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United States4883 Posts
On July 29 2020 02:32 Cele wrote:Congratulations for coming out Allyssa, that takes a lot of courage! I support you for standing up for who you are! Regarding your explanation about your gender identity: i always thought, starting from the point where i heard about transgender like 20 years ago or so, that you ARE who you FEEL like. Our mind says so much more about our gender than our pure sex. So if your saying your a woman, you're a woman to me, easy as that! I wanna take the opportunity to say a word or two about what i said in the sexual harassment thread aswell, since you opened up the topic: As you hopefully see now, my arguments contrary to yours or other people in that thread do not stem from a wish to trivialize abuse of women or justify them. But im very sceptical still about the way arguments are shared in Social media communication and how people are condemned before knowing all the facts. In that regard i found- still find- great parts in that thread wildly disturbing. And, regarding you in person, i found it very bewildering when tl staff uses their tl staff position in order to personally attack other users without risking mod action. I called you out on that, you stood up to that beeing true, so im genuinly past it. I hope so are you? So again, wholeheartedly: congratulations to your courageous coming out and wish you all the best EsportsAllyssa
Thank you (and everyone else) for the good wishes. It means a lot to have a supportive community, especially for a life event like this.
RE: the harassment thread, I 100% back what I said and would do it again. I don't think that the viewpoints of the accused should be discredited at all, but I think that defaulting to a defense of the accused is the same as discrediting the word of the accuser and is far worse because it perpetuates an environment where abused people are unable to speak about their abuse for fear of retaliation. That said, when I posted I was genuinely unaware that I didn't have a report button, and I actually had to convince the mods to at least give me a public warning because I knew that what I said was not in line with the moderation guidelines for this community.
On July 30 2020 00:35 Uldridge wrote:
First of al, congrats.
Secondly, and you can dismiss it (or outright call me out on me being dismissive or something) if you want to: what made you decide to choose Alyssa? The name just clicked? Did you want to distance yourself from John because that was a part of your male chapter of your life (I don't know if I worded that correctly, so apologies if I didn't )? If you could elaborate a bit on that, that would be cool.
That's a totally fine question! So my actual birth name is Chris (Here is the story of how I ended up with John), which is a fairly gender neutral name, but I've never been particularly attached to my name and never had any preference for what people called me, so I figured it would be a good opportunity to try out something different that I maybe had more connection to. So I just started writing down names and trying to feel out names that seemed interesting and felt comfortable to write, and I came up with a short list of a dozen names including Anna Leigh, Ann Elise, Jennifer, Alyssa, etc., and I really liked the feminine way that Alyssa started on a soft stress, but I also liked the hard E sound from some of the other names. I felt more comfortable writing Allyssa with an extra L, and I was like...welp, I guess I'll be obnoxious and just have a name that looks like a misspelling and is pronounced somewhat differently from the way it's spelled, and I'll just correct everyone LOL. But I like it!
At first, I was planning to just use it in online circles to replace the branding of "EsportsJohn", but as I've used it more and more to introduce myself to people, and as my inner circle of friends (who have been unbelievably supportive and understanding) have begun using it, I'm beginning to feel more comfortable with it being MY name. And for the first time in my life, I really do feel a preference for what I'm called, which is an unusual feeling for me. It feels like my identity. Shortly after coming out to my roommate, she asked me if I wanted to be called Allyssa or Chris, and I defaulted to "no preference", but when she pushed me, I was like...yeah, I really do want to be called Allyssa. I connect with that name.
As a side note, I think that name changing is a fascinating and powerful concept. Historically, name changes happen as the result of a life-changing event. Biblically (I'm not a Christian, but I grew up in the religion), God renames people based on giving them a new life purpose. There was Abraham/Abram, Jacob/Israel, and Saul/Paul to name a few. I like the idea of commemorating that life event by adjusting the name, because truly, honestly, the life and the person I was before coming out is not the same as the life and the person that I am now, and in a few years, I'm certain my past self will be nearly unrecognizable to me in the same way that most people can't relate to their baby pictures or even high school selves anymore. I'm a huge believer that words have power, and name changes are just one of the examples of turning your thoughts into intentions and your intentions into actions.
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Interesting insight, thanks. I've found my name to sound infantile for my entire life and started pronouncing it in different ways to sound more "grown up" - if that makes sense - because I've never felt comfortable as an adult being called like this -- I can't fathom being taken seriously with my name at 40, even though people find it a perfectly reasonable name.
Perhaps it's something deeply rooted in myself I'm still struggling with, like I always think I've dealt with my parent's issues or my own personal issues, but maybe the dislike for my own name is telling me otherwise.
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I wish you the best of luck good friend, congrats to you for doing what your heart tells you to do.
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United States4883 Posts
On July 30 2020 04:37 Uldridge wrote:
Interesting insight, thanks. I've found my name to sound infantile for my entire life and started pronouncing it in different ways to sound more "grown up" - if that makes sense - because I've never felt comfortable as an adult being called like this -- I can't fathom being taken seriously with my name at 40, even though people find it a perfectly reasonable name.
Perhaps it's something deeply rooted in myself I'm still struggling with, like I always think I've dealt with my parent's issues or my own personal issues, but maybe the dislike for my own name is telling me otherwise.
There's nothing wrong with going by a nickname! That's why a lot of people go by their middle name or even completely unrelated names sometimes. Feel free to just be like, "I go by Chip now" or whatever :D.
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I don't get it, if you identify as a transgender why do you change for a female name or "she". You can still be a transgender with a "He" or a male name, in what way do you feel a difference? I am getting old on this fucking planet, the things I read on this 21st century confuse me. Also I should be positive man, if it makes you happier then better for this world.
edit: Ho wait I get it, transgender means "people whose gender identity is the opposite of their assigned sex". God we live in a complicated world.
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United States4883 Posts
On August 01 2020 19:07 iFU.pauline wrote:
I don't get it, if you identify as a transgender why do you change for a female name or "she". You can still be a transgender with a "He" or a male name, in what way do you feel a difference? I am getting old on this fucking planet, the things I read on this 21st century confuse me. Also I should be positive man, if it makes you happier then better for this world.
edit: Ho wait I get it, transgender means "people whose gender identity is the opposite of their assigned sex". God we live in a complicated world.
Heya! I'm totally fine answering questions!
Transgender means you do not identify with the gender you were assigned at birth (which is typically based on genitals, which can also be complicated by intersex conditions). Our identity is shaped by many things, including our outward appearance and the way we socialize, so changing names and pronouns is an important way of validating that identity and making it clear to the people around us. Being called a male name or male pronouns is difficult for me personally because it makes it difficult to cement my identity and it constantly reminds me that the world does not see me as I see myself.
If you don't understand what's going on, that's totally fine too, btw. It's honestly really difficult to grasp if you're not in it and feeling it yourself, so you'll have to take my word for it. As long as you recognize that other people's perceptions are real and that sharing is the primary function of communication, we can have a discussion which we both benefit from. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask them!
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Awesome!
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We can not choose who we are, we can choose to be who we are.
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EPT![[image loading]](https://i.imgur.com/5ZxxVhj.jpg)
