Ever since I upgraded to the Black Card service (for access to every Planet Fitness location) like two weeks ago I've been noticing some odd things happening at the Planet Fitness I use near my house, and the one near where I work.
It all started with the one near my work. I was prepping my shit for a shower and I hear this moaning and groaning and periodic chanting of "oh fuck" coming from one of the shower stalls. Obviously my first thought is, "please god don't be masturbating in the gym shower." But it continues on for a good 15 minutes and I know damn well the shower stalls have some sort of body wash or shampoo dispensers in them, so its DISTINCTLY possibly definitely what is happening in there.
Disturbing, but I make a mental note not to ever touch the middle stall and not to walk within a six foot radius around the entrance of it forever more.
Next, the depravity spread to the Planet Fitness near my house. I prefer to use the gym at like 2am, in order to avoid having to be around human beings at the gym. However, there is literally no time where people are not at this god damned Planet Fitness, but at least around 2am or so there are only maybe three other people there. Perfectly tolerable. Except this one weird man. It started out innocently enough, I went back to take a shower, I hear someone else is taking a shower and while Im changing and preparing I hear him get out of the shower, so I wait a few minutes for him to get dressed and get the fuck out. Except he doesnt. This weird man gets BACK IN THE SHOWER. So I wait, I figure so what maybe he forgot to wash the shampoo out of his hair. Twenty minutes of waiting later I just say, "fuck it, Im just going to shower real quick and get the fuck out." LO AND BEHOLD WHAT LIES BEYOND THAT CHANGING STALL DOOR WAS A FULL FRONTAL ASSAULT ON MY OCULAR SENSES. The man is there, shower curtain thrown back, hes facing outwards so his dick is just floppin' about the place. I grimace and dash to the farthest shower away from this exhibitionist and do my business. I wait for him to leave, but he just seems to shower and shower and shower for eternity. Twenty more minutes of waiting and I dash the fuck out, eyes forward, wary of ambush from his bush. I narrowly escape while hes back in his changing room.
I havent had to deal with seeing unwanted nudity since art school, so this was a most unwelcome thing to have happen, not to mention, who in the hell uses a gym shower without pulling the god damned shower curtain closed?
But wait, theres more. Back to the Glen Allen gym. The Masturbation Lair. Im going back to change, I check that theres noone in the showers or anything, I feel safe. Secure. As Im changing someone enters the stall next to me, I think it'll be fine, I mean two weird incidents is just two weird incidents. The man in the stall next to me does not appear to be changing. In fact, the light in the changing room is cast in just such a way and I can see what appear to be uh... masturbating. God fucking dammit, HES MASTURBATING. I can hear it, the sounds are distinct, the shadows are down right VIVIDLY PORTRAYING him in the act of self satisfaction. My heart grimaces, I feel the darkness spread from my very core. I wait for it to be over, and I dread the moment where I hear that shower turn on because itll mean more time spent around The Masturbation Lair. But wait! Theres no shower. He seems to, pardon the pun, beat a hasty retreat. No shower. Just a jerk and dash. Somehow these situations seem to be escalating. I might respect this sick man more if he actually DID go to the shower. You know, wash away his shame, but no, he seemed to just... do his business and leave. Maybe dry, maybe only soggy, maybe soaking wet, I can never know, or confirm, and god knows I did not peer into the stall to check for any... unfortunate... stains... I just showered and left, making sure not to touch the middle stall.
Back to the Planet Fitness near my house. Thats right, its the fuckin exhibitionist man again. This time, I try to preempt the awkwardness. I see him go into the locker room, I take note, I finish my set, and I plan ahead to spend another 20 minutes to 30 minutes continuing to exercise, you know, give him time to shower and go. I go in there, expecting to see him wet and leaving. Alas, when I go back not only is he not leaving he hasn't even fucking showered, and follows me into the shower area. He prepares to shower and I decide its not worth it, I bolt and shower at home.
I am now struck with paranoia, masturbators and flashers, everywhere.
Showering at the gym is a hazardous thing indeed.