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East Gorteau22261 Posts
I don't know, but I know what I do say every time - "I'm back"
Hasn't worked out so far.
Maybe it's because the game shaped my teenage years, or because the community shaped everything from my writing to my knowledge of pop culture (thanks LR threads), but I always come back to TL. Every time, it's with the intent of giving something back to the place that has given me so much - so many moments, so many friends, so many opportunities to become better at the things I like, and many formative experiences. I'm not gonna lie, I get asked a lot about the signed Collector's Edition Legacy of the Void that sits prominently in my bookshelf among heaps of course literature. I got it at Blizzcon, I'll inevitably mention, even if no one really asks or knows to appreciate the answer.
I like to think I come back again and again with the hope of continuing where I kind of haphazardly left off because very few things in my life have been as important to me as the Teamliquid/Starcraft one-two punch. But my reasoning is that if Taeja can come back to professional Starcraft after his hiatus, and Serral can become a top player internationally, then I'm sure I can crank out something or other eventually.
On a seemingly unrelated note, I want to get a few words out on being unwell, generally.
With the looming risk of sounding too ideological for comfort, we live in a society of unsound values. Not entirely unsound, mind, just unsound enough that many people that lose their footing get trampled. I see it in the workplace, in university, in my swimming team, in my family, in the news. More recently, I've seen it in myself. I've only recently come to terms with being public to my friends/family about my psychological struggles, and while I would like to say that it's been relieving (it hasn't) and that I'm steadily getting better as a result (I'm not), it has given me perspective on just how ill-equipped many parts of society are for dealing with the mentally ill (or even just those that are ill for the long term, in general). "I'm depressed" is a dirty, dirty sentence and I've never received so much unfounded and poorly researched advice as I have in the last two months. All in goodwill, but fumbling regardless. Everyone has a home remedy for a sore muscle, a cold, a headache. The home remedy for depression, more often than not is, "try to think about the good things" (my coach suggested intense masturbation, which was an awkward conversation)-- which is a gut punch on its own, because more generally I can't seem to think of a single good thing half of the time. On a good day, I can stand on my own. On a bad day, the bed is more appealing than doing anything at all, because there, at least, I can whisk away the day. "You have so many good things going for you" is an awful thing to hear when you already know it but don't feel it. It's all with good intentions, but I've never felt as guilty for feeling weak as when my brother had to tell my parents that the psychologist had essentially written me out of studies for the rest of the semester.
"I'm seeing a psychologist" is a sentence I never thought I would type out, because only people that don't have their lives together get ill. I know -- and have always known, I suppose -- how stupid and untrue that notion is, but it is so pervasive that you risk falling into believing it of yourself and dispelling your own concerns as a result. I was ill for a long time before I began looking for professional help. I overworked myself and failed to do so many things at once that the growing stack of things I'd failed to do became an ominous everyday shadow that I'm still kind of scared of. But I am seeing a psychologist, and while I'm not well, I have been in a worse place. This is all a long-winded way for me to say, like a million other people have, that "getting help" is called getting help because it gets you help. I thought the embarrassment of opening up would outweigh the merits of having a sympathetic ear. It didn't, actually. I didn't even die, so that's cool.
What I mean to say is that if you at any time feel like you are overburdened (especially when it feels inexplicable), letting someone know isn't worse than the alternatives. I'm too proud for my own good and I ran circles around every truth and only gradually surrendered them, bit by bit, because it was easier to deny, deny, deny.
This might all seem obvious (and it does to me as well, in retrospect), but if I can convince even one person somewhere down the line that help is both accessible and harmless, then a least something good will have come of all of this.
If you read past all that, either out of morbid curiosity or of genuine care, I also want to say that I keep coming back to this place because it's full of caring, genuine, and cool people -- even if they cheer for Terran players. Thank you for being part of what makes this such a great community.
I debated whether self-advertising is really justified given how invisible I have been over the last two-some years, but I've realized that prostitution is an inescapable part of writing (don't quote me). In the long back-and-forth between myself and publishers, I'm writing a horror serial in the vein of H.P Lovecraft-meets-Fringe called Code Eldritch of which I publish two bite-sized chapters each week (Wednesday and Sunday). It's a funky project, but fun. If you're short on reading material, you're welcome to check it out.
 
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United States15275 Posts
On September 25 2018 07:17 Zealously wrote:
prostitution is an inescapable part of writing
I see.
On September 25 2018 07:17 Zealously wrote:
"I'm seeing a psychologist"
I wish you the best of luck. My cynicism about the field dampens any hope though.
This reads like one of my favorite he-wait a minute.
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i disagree.
i'd say...
writing is an inescapable part of prostitution.
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Welcome back! I rolled back the years too and came back to watching brood war a couple of months back. It feels absolutely wonderful.
I am sad to hear about your struggles. I sort of know first hand how hard it can be because my wife suffers from depression too. In her case it was key to get help. And thankfully with support from a really good psychologist and medication she got out of the worst part of it. Now, only 10 months later, she does so much better and is off the medication as well. I hope you will feel better!
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Bisutopia19230 Posts
Just wanted to say TL loves you!
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Better seeing a psychologist than a psychotic bitch
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Nice to (potentially  ) have you back and good to see that you try to deal with your problems and share your experience to hopefully help others with it.
Gonna check out your eldritch horror story for sure 
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tl;dr but I absolutely love you and it's great to see you posting.
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I’ve been a lurker for a while and don’t really have any experiences with you personally, but I am thankful that you shared that story with me and I genuinely hope you find whatever you are looking for.
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Germany25657 Posts
Welcome back back back! :D
If you ever wanna talk hit me up, I'm an expert on seeing a psychologist
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Sad to read you're having a rough time but on the other hand nice to read something by you again. Really cool how many people gets pulled back to TL, posting their blogs from time to time. Wish you well going forward!
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I think that it's very important to have long term goals or general life goals that you want to live up to - even if you know these goals will most likely not be possible for you to complete given your short lifespan. I hope you have something like that and if not - just keep reading and looking toward the future. Every day I spend a lot of time thinking about the future and how what I've been doing recently and how different actions would affect my future.
By thinking about my future I realize what it is that I want truly matters to me, what things I need and what things I don't need. This has been incredibly liberating for me and has given me significant direction in achieving my goals.
P.S. I also think it helps to have role models so if Taeja is a role model for you then that's good to hear.
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Oh man, this was a lot of truth. People who perpetuate the ideas that mental illness is "weakness" or that it is something you solve by "positive thoughts" deserve a huge kick in the ass. Interesting how people would scream about ableism when it comes to physical impairment, but ignore mental health altogether.
My wife suffers from depression since 15 years ago. Now she is relatively fine on ADs, but the first year was rough. I always considered myself somewhat enlightened but still this experience has been a huge eye opener to me as to how serious depression can be. It's not just "bad mood", it's a total breakdown of the way you percieve the world and yourself. "Seek professional help" is really the only thing I would ever dare to suggest to anyone suffering from it.
I do not know much about you, but your passion for sc2 back in the day was awesome. I wish you good times on TL and in life in general.
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This was well written. It's almost "in" to talk about depression and I do feel eventually we'll see a lot of fake #alsoDepressed trying to draw attention to themselves.
But at the moment most people, myself included tend to see it as an excuse so we don't allow ourselves to classify ourselves as depressed.
I'm in the process of going through insurance for a therapist but I'm slow to act. I just have had bad experiences with therapists in the past not caring about me. And also feel like insurance tries to get as much money as possible.
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United States11390 Posts
Just remember that no matter what, Roro still loves you.
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I saw a therapist, but honestly it was just kind of a person I talked to. But I did feel more open to talking about some of my issues with friends, which helped.
Also taking a few trips to Asia helped immensely. Completely broke my routine. Last time I stayed in Asia for three months. I only played StarCraft once and SC2 once. Ended up drinking a lot, meeting a lot of women. I picked up foosball in Korea. Another game that's terrible for your wrists.
When I got back I moved out of my dad's place and got my own apartment in Las Vegas. I have stuff to work towards, I'm learning Korean right now. I have motivation for executing my plans because I have an almost immediate reward.
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i highly recommend keeping a daily journal. similar to a diary. one of the big reasons teenage girls handle divorce better than teenage boys is that they tend to "journal" a lot more than boys. just spend a few minutes per day reflecting on your day. use a pen and paper. no electronics. i employ the journaling routine of Eli Bay's "Relaxation Response" method.
good luck in your journey.
On September 27 2018 20:31 iopq wrote:
Also taking a few trips to Asia helped immensely. Completely broke my routine. Last time I stayed in Asia for three months. I only played StarCraft once and SC2 once. Ended up drinking a lot, meeting a lot of women. I picked up foosball in Korea. Another game that's terrible for your wrists.
maybe what you need is a physiotherapist rather than a psychotherapist. With proper mechanics you should avoid wrist problems caused by repetitive motions. the skill one must acquire is the ability to determine what is "poor mechanics".
i'm a tenosynovitis sufferer. it was a secondary injury developed due to medial epicondylitis. you tilt your wrists slightly inward to compensate for the pain in the medial epicondyle. it was a 2 year ordeal made me an expert in upper body mechanics.
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Welcome back Zealously
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Austria24417 Posts
I can't kick people from the writing staff chat because you made it, so I'm glad to have you back :D
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United States23455 Posts
Hey man. The wheel of coming back to TL turns on similar time tables for us I think.
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with depression. I had a similar troubles back in 2013/2014 (the tail end of my time actually writing things for TL) and my Blizzcon article was actually one of the things that slipped through the cracks as I also fell way behind on my studies and became pretty much a shut in. I was really ashamed of it. Eventually I told people. First my brother and then later the rest of my family. It went about as you described. People try to say the right things but it does come across a bit fumbling from people who haven't experienced depression like that. When I told my parents that I had seriously considered suicide they decided to send me to a therapist.
I went to therapy for about a year. I went back to school and did better. I'd like to say that I'm "cured" but obviously nobody ever really is. Some days are worse than others but overall I'm doing much better. And usually at high points in my mental states I come back to TL because of all the fond memories I have of filling up LR threads with banter and of course writing about Starcraft with you (and others).
I hope you're doing well. You're dope.
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Welcome back. It takes courage to say much of what you mentioned, and I agree that most advice given on the subject does not provide much comfort.
All I can say is that from my own experience, physical exercise and watching funny TV series that made me genuinely laugh helped get me back on track. It is tough, but re-wiring myself to prioritise the funny, positive things put me in a better place, but everyone has their own way of coping.
You can hit me up on Discord if you ever want to chat or blow off steam . My warmest regards to you, Zealously (I'd say more but your defamation of all things Terran offends me!).
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FuDDx
United States5008 Posts
<3!
If you should need me...
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EPT
