Burning bridges, getting old

Much wow, for some people (me) .. life can/must/will always feel that every bridge you burn will come to haunt you every time it can...

Imagine it, being a spartan, invulnerable to hate and comfortably burning every last bridge there is to burn..

the science beyond that? .. the dissociative self apology...

You know when you have burned it.. every time you look at it...
Funny how cyclically life turns on you when you want it to or not!

You know you can mend, you know you can say sorry, you can do whatever efforts going forward,
but somewhere earlier the "magic" bond that united two people (or three or more) is dissolved.. for ever, even with all the artifices and flake promises made in earnest
...

i've always had more of temper than i could do with.

So when i was a kid + Show Spoiler +i can't even place my self in that idea/concept)

when i was a kid (3/6) ..i made stuff up.. lots, apparently (not me remembering solely, it is more/also people's accounts of it)
i made so much stuff up that i didn't even have to talk the same language as my family (french)..
my parents got nothing out of me or other parties.. i spoke "x" unknown..
..
i spoke to my older brother and he understood fine
:D
that went on and finally i got to talking proper with quips like 'why would have i talked? service was fine till now"

Then i behaved and had to learn english "all on my own" in an american high school.
My folks thought i could handle it and in some way i did.
i achieved "passing for a 'murican after a year of working at it.

But i never thought of it like that, as an achievement, it was normal.. what? not everyone can do this..? i asked myself years later!

You see the pattern? No? My bad, i'll pour more salt.

Then i learned stuff. Went back and forth from both "making stuff up" and aggressively conversing with people.
i loved life since i was 16 and never looked back, i always put myself as a bystander because i am.
We are all by standers.

Then i self taught softwares and made up a life for myself doing as less "money" work time as possible and more stuff in the fun dreams love categories (as much as possible, all i could scam, at 44 i feel i can say that i've peeked )...

But i found that i always made stuff up (by now i called them paintings ..scenarios and comics/cartoons/videos whatever.. pictures and meaning) ..and i found i never looked back, you / i can't do anything else in life.. i'd rather die maybe.

i had the blessing of parents that taught me that i could do stuff.. the curse of never doing the right thing in "their eye" concurrently..
i could not do "anything" .. no probably not, but anything within my reach yes .. maybe if i worked at it properly .. it could happen.

i was taught very very early "self reliance first" and then "downgraded into many things" by the adults around..
Things like: "Why would you choose to do / read comics you creep there is so much more out there for you (which is / was true, but i was reading them in a second language... at 8/9.. stealing drawings from them with tracing paper to tell my own stories..
but no !!! "lets go visit the cathedral" type of deal (i've seen almost all the sites yes .. spend so much time in cars (insert vomit here), so much wait.. so little "me time".. (perhaps i'm just baby raging i don't think so though.. not that much..
..if it sounds fine then picture it as the 20 years of "why draw little mickeys while you could be an engineer...""why laugh when you could talk?"

Concurrently i was taught that i could change the world. Not metaphorically, but at my own level. Again, not as a potential achievement, nothing like that .. more like "Anyone can".

Not change everyone's world, but change everyone's world if i am around in this particular "everyone"...

(i am available for birthdays, engagements, christenings or other payed public speaking venues .. to you know ..try to make peeps laugh.. you know .. stand up slash assistant...
Or .. so ... that is the deal breaker.

Anyway back to the idea of burning the bridges...

Why so much pride? Why so much dilettantism ?
Why can't there be a bridge you don't want to burn?

Why so sad?
#too soon for a joke on it?

Midway medicine allowing blogger to finish:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XakJS8x5fkA

works!

At first it stings and you feel you will die.
Then another heartbreak .. slash whatever.. a bridge is burnt.. you will not see this person again ever with that same pleasure, that same youthfulness...
Then you learn that in life you will have to work to get these relationships (bridges) or they will wither by themselves...
Then you get used to it.
But not so much.

Then time passes, you make decisions etc. and burning bridges no longer seems an option..
because it is too hurtful, because you will end up alone.. because because?

i mean not to sound impolite but when people disappear (by "people" i mean in the sense of belonging to "that" people ; presumably "your" people, a particular gathering you could evoke out loud in a few minutes to someone and leave few absent) from your life,
it should hurt.

Should it hurt to be unrighteous, i begrudgingly answer yes.

When you know that the mending is delusional (because of other stuff, like differences of opinion too deep somewhere, or outlook on life i would say would be more accurate in my case.. or whatever else) and that there is a burnt bridge instead..
it stays with you ...

Frick this!
When you dissagree so intimately and it has to be all right for "whatever sake" .. it isn't f ing all right..
and it should hurt.

Possibly should mentioned at this juncture the awful/excellent thread on tl where u can "vent" and spoiler yourself upup...

But again, this is a blog and it serves a purpose, to lay down the arms i guess.

numerous and voluptuous do maps in the tlmc eleven look!

hf
thank you for your time
tldr: ranting done, let the rating begin
please do + Show Spoiler +<3