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Blogs > Destructicon
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Destructicon
Profile Blog Joined September 2011
4713 Posts
February 19 2018 21:43 GMT
#1
I've never been much into the sharing my inner most thoughts, feelings and emotions with strangers. By nature I've been introverted for most of my life only letting the closest friends in, only sharing with them stories of my demons. Yet as I now near 30 years of age I find the urge to write and share some of my life experiences so far and, in a way, my disappointment with some of them.

Well past my teens I was naive and incredibly optimistic, idiotically so at times. I had grand dreams of making it on my own, making enough of a living to travel, see the world, experience it and maybe even make it better for everyone else.

In some ways I'm pretty content with my life, but in others, I was never really satisfied with myself or my life, I always aspired for more and wanted more, I always wanted and always will want to find success through my own path.

I originally aspired to be a pro-gamer, I even signed up to Dreamhack Bucharest 2013 and 2014 and enjoyed the rare honor of being able to talk and interact with the other players. When you see the pros on stream or playing its hard to always relate, you don't always view them as entirely human. As such when I got to talk to them I was pleasantly surprised at how friendly a lot of them are and how easy it is to talk with them and entertain a long conversation.

While I enjoyed my time I started to come to the realization that I was not improving significantly. I started trying to go pro late, I struggled to at best maybe reach 200 APM and the most I ever ranked was Masters in early HotS.

I was, and still am fortunate to have a very loving and supporting family who didn't decide to boot me out the door and allow me to fend for myself. Maybe I could have used a lesson like that, but I didn't get it.

Instead I started consuming myself from the inside out, the mounting pressure to do something, coupled with the lack of any sort of meaningful results ate at my psyche. I retreated into myself a bit, cut ties with some of my friends. In a way I was ashamed to face them until I had proven something. How could I risk having a conversation breakdown into:

"So what are you doing?"
"I'm trying to be a pro gamer."
"So how's that going?"
"Well I went to this tournament."
"Did you win anything?"
"No?"
"How long have you been doing this for?"
"A year?"
Are you still living with your parents?

I decided to use my game knowledge and some of my skills for another good and volunteered to write for TL. I found writing to be a lot more pleasant, with the pressure to perform having been lifted I enjoyed watching the story lines unfold, basking in the jaw dropping moments of a brilliantly executed attack or defense and conveying it to the readers.

Unfortunately it was not enough to alleviate the mounting sadness of not having achieved anything palpable, I was still living with my parents, had no real income, home of my own or any future.

And so I retreated more and more and at the same time became sadder and sadder in a way. I was ashamed of myself, ashamed of being a burden to my parents and could barely stomach social interaction with others.

Then in the winter of 2015 I had enough and decided it was time for a change which started me down the road more often traveled.

Having no real work experience up till that point I got a job in a call center, at the advice of a friend. I earned the minimum wage of Romania at the time.

I won't lie, it was brutal, so much so that I dreaded answering the phone for months after I had left it, the stress to work non-stop, coupled with the dread of getting a screamer was melting away at my willpower. The only reason I stuck to it is because I wanted to prove a point, I wanted to prove I was tough enough to take the worst which was thrown at me, to show, especially my family, that the years of comfort had not softened me.

Things didn't pan out as I expected, I started exercising less at this point and consuming more and more junk food. I also became intensely addicted to video games as an escape and venting mechanism. I could not break the cycle I was now stuck in, I was playing almost every other waking minute just to stay sane, and couldn't do anything else, but at the same time I desperately needed to escape.

After many attempts to improve my standing in the company I finally got a break as a close friend of mine told me a better company was hiring.

After my friends recommended me I managed to cruise past the phone interview and got to the face to face stage. I managed to impress enough that I received the news I was hired later that day and my wage would nearly be doubling compared to my old job.

The new job was a bit more relaxed that my old one and, the thrill of learning new things and excelling kept me entertained. I genuinely enjoyed what I was doing and I started getting noticed for my hard work and performances. After 6 months I started helping and advising other members of my team and after 12 months I had become a sort of expert in the team.

I even used my higher income to plan more trips and finally managed to visit HSC in the winter of 2016 and Katowice in March of 2017. I meet my fellow TL writers and enjoyed my time thoroughly. It nearly felt like I had made it and found my own happy place.

At this point the cracks started showing again. In many ways ignorance is bliss, you can just wade your way through life happily ignoring anything that does not immediately impact you. I was never as fortunate, I noticed the injustice that started to occur, how thankless and hard the support role is in a corporation, how taken for granted and underpaid it is compared to others and how it always needs to be on alert to fix anything.

This time something different happened, instead of finding solace in gaming I turned to meditation. I wouldn't call myself religious by any means but I would acknowledge that I am spiritual, I now do breathing exercises daily and I meditate at least once per week where I simply lie on my back for an hour or so, breathing, focusing on my breath until I can simply quiet my mind and empty it of thought.

This exercise has brought me a bit more in touch with my inner self and made me more aware of my turmoil. I try to face my fears in my mind and rationalize them in order to calm down. I now become very aware of when I am tense and anxious and lately I feel it more and more, and more and more I feel the need to go under in order to release the tension.

And now I come to the conclusion of my experiences thus far and what I've learned.

It is really easy to be a conformist, to do what others tell you to do, to get a entry level job, work your way through it, advance move to a different company, advance there etc.

Its easy if you involve yourself, but at the same time its too monotone, too safe and, in my case too unjust. Its also soulless and unsatisfying, while I have felt mentally involved and challenged at times, when I finally draw the line I still don't feel like I've accomplished anything meaningful, anything I can tell a future generation to be proud of.

I'm close to getting my own house now, but I feel empty, sad, depressed, I don't feel satisfied any more, I'm not sure I've felt the true blissful happiness of my youth for years.

I do feel my experience has been important for one thing. I learned the reality about life, how cruel and harsh it can be at times. I've learned to be organized and work under pressure, I've learned the value of hard work and most importantly I've learned the value of time.

How I wish I could go back to my 20 year old self with this attitude, how many squandered opportunities I would have tried to reverse.

If there is one advice I'd want to give for any youngsters out there its this.

Don't completely give in, and don't forget your dreams. Not saying don't get a job just that the real world experience is valuable, it will teach you a lot of things, including just how precious your own time is.

Alas the only thing left is to move on, but to what end, and what future?

I know one thing for certain, as much as possible I want to escape this loop and do something for myself again, to create, to travel not to serve.

As much as possible I now want to walk the road least traveled.

****
WriterNever give up, never surrender! https://www.youtube.com/user/DestructiconSC
Hushfield
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Belgium80 Posts
February 19 2018 23:51 GMT
#2
Thanks for sharing, Destructicon. These are things many - especially the older generation here on TL - can relate to. I know it sounds very familiar for me, at least. Struggling through different jobs in your twenties is a formative experience for the rest of your career, no matter what job it was, so never look at this as 'lost time'.

So what about the future? Never feel like you have to do something because it's the norm, or most other people do so. Relationships, marriage, children, office jobs, buying a house are all optional if you feel like they would add no significant meaning to your life. But what would add meaning? Whether you lock yourself in a room with a notepad, talk to friends or a mental health professional, whatever helps you find out is the first step. It's an exercise worth doing, and I highly recommend doing it more than once. Personally, I do it twice a year, just to reaffirm my short-term projects and long-term goals, and it never fails to relight the fire and help me get more things done.

On a side note: stick with the meditation if that is your thing. I've found it doesn't so much provide answers as make the questions go away. But you'll get more out of it if you find a good teacher.
noname_
Profile Blog Joined April 2007
456 Posts
February 21 2018 17:52 GMT
#3
Never accept jobs with minimal wage, they`re not worth bothering with in Romania, even if you`re on the floor financially, never ever.
I`m guessing you played SC2 and I wish to adress this progaming thing too. I know: it`s bascially everyone`s dream to get payed for something you enjoy the most. But there are feats which you can not achieve, this is kind of a sad thing, but the reality is this, when you can accept this, you can leave this fixation behind. Not everyone has the innate abilites to become a progamer, to become a competetive sprinter or a Nobe-prize winner scientist. To become one of these you`ll need so much more than practice, training hard and studying hard, these aspects are just the top of the iceberg.
You need talent, you need determination (or even monomania), you need luck, you need enabling background, you need support (social, financial, emotional etc.), and so much more.
I want to accentutate again: it`s bascially everyone`s dream to get payed for something you enjoy the most.
You can turn this around in a sense: you can and probably should search for something which you`d see useful for both yourselves` and for the for the society`s interest (this might be your family, your local neighborhood or even the humankind), and that`ll be the thing/work/profession to aspire for. It might not be your first choice, it`s most likely won`t be close to entertainment (the thing which you`d be doing in your freetime anyway: hence playing, and it shouldn`t be in my opinion) but I think you`ll find much more worth in this! I think everyone is talented in something, you`ll just have to find your own place, and I hope you will find that path which will lead you there. I wish you good luck!
Endymion
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States3701 Posts
February 21 2018 19:36 GMT
#4
i think the trick to happiness is having enough money that you're able to purse your dreams.. even if you think that your dream is to be the best starcraft player in the world, being a pro might not be the best way to achieve your dream.. the life of a progamer is extremely difficult and unrewarding for the effort that you have to put into it, and even then you're likely to only be a C or B teamer anyways. most people that i know just see the "lavish" lifestyles that get leaked through instagram and TL where they see their favorite pro partying it up with gorgeous korean girls, but they don't see the downside/all the people that have failed getting there.. if you just want a lavish life style with pretty girls, choose an easier career with higher success rates and less effort. then you can keep playing starcraft on the side without the stress of it being the only thing that you can do (as far as the corporate world is concerned). even the people that transitioned from broodwar to poker had to deal with the abyss of a diminishing bankroll while they retooled their skillset to not end up on the streets.

i know way too many people that have tried, failed, and ended up much worse off, feeling bitter and disenfranchised. even the "pros" that i know mostly aren't super happy with their lives either since being a pro is so demanding
Have you considered the MMO-Champion forum? You are just as irrational and delusional with the right portion of nostalgic populism. By the way: The old Brood War was absolutely unplayable
Baneour
Profile Blog Joined February 2018
105 Posts
Last Edited: 2018-02-22 16:21:47
February 21 2018 23:31 GMT
#5
Best of luck!
Tempest99
Profile Blog Joined January 2018
53 Posts
February 22 2018 13:59 GMT
#6
This is a tough read, man. I enjoy learning about other places--however similar or disconnected to my own they happen to be. There are a lot of easy things you can do to improve your life. It depends on your preferred level of stimulant.

Sometimes people read for the enjoyment of handling a novel. Other times people meditate, and practice various techniques. Obviously as someone acquainted best with meditation--I was a Zazen student and master of Samtha around the age of 25--I think the natural transitions are best. As you know the Shaolin practice Zazen 2 hours per day now, which is quite an unexpected and positive political force.

Just reading a book might be easiest. If you are seeking isolation you may not want the deprivation of meditation. In the modern world I think some traditional practices can be misleading. Hope you begin to cheer up.
Starcraft: Brood War player from 2001. Temp[e]st -- team [e]lement circa 2000.
niteReloaded
Profile Blog Joined February 2007
Croatia5281 Posts
Last Edited: 2018-03-05 16:34:57
March 05 2018 16:34 GMT
#7
can relate very much.


After struggling in early twenties, my life cheered up and took off, I felt on a verge of just getting everyhitng perfect.
Scuba diving job, woman of my life. Then all shattered. Got into a fight, left the job, relationship broke.

On some level, its very sad, and on some level, I'm glad for it, because on the other hand, my big interest is meditation too. And as a matter of fact, 1-2 days before I got into a fight at work, during meditation, I thought 'hmmmm, I enjoy this so much, I just want to meditate a lot'.
Then very quickly it came into fruition.

My huge change in life was discovering the teachings of Nisargadatta Maharaj, the Indian guru.
I've never met a person, or a teaching that scares me and draws me at the same time.

It's killing my world, but a world that I have a hunch is fake, so... on one hand I'm happy, on other scared.


good 'luck' mate, tho I don't really believe in luck, but I just wanna say "I wish you positive things".
JWD[9]
Profile Blog Joined November 2015
364 Posts
March 09 2018 12:28 GMT
#8
Interresting. You definitly speak for me. I feel like you speak for a lot of millennials.

I was perplexed, shocked an confused by my collegues when I entered the corporate world. None of them were happy. Some of them slightly crazy and the majority accepting like cattle. Fully aware of the twisted world we live in, yet firmly believing in their inability to change it, with hostility towards people that actually try.

Making the road that is least traveled the road most traveled would be a start I guess.

I lacked family support. I got by, by "studying" for other people. I now plan to get myself a degree, so I might find a job more akin to my abilities.

I don't know if the world we created would be better if it was fair. It is based on control and oppression afterall. Yet, did we actually build it, or just put a new coat of paint over a natural hierachy?
Cauld
Profile Joined February 2010
United States350 Posts
March 09 2018 17:04 GMT
#9
I understand why at 30 you look back at 20 with regret, but that's a pessimistic viewpoint. Think of all the people who only realize these things at 40, or 50 or 60.

Personally, at 35 I struggle with these kinds of feelings and thoughts pretty often. But, I try to find the little joys in life and focus on them. I try to find things I want to do and then go do them. Don't like society tell you what makes you happy (though it may have good advice). You do you.
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