EPTThis past summer, I worked for a professor I greatly admire. The days were hot and humid, yet somehow we had one of the worst droughts in over a century. I sat at a small cubicle, in the fifth floor of an antiquated building, which overlooked a busy parking lot. It was surprising how my imagination would take me away when work was slow. Simulations take time to complete, and there were days I would spend my lunch break imagining the flow of cars beneath, and the lives of the people in them.
When I was not drifting away, I spent some spare time watching anime, and found a theme song I really liked: Cruel Angel’s Thesis, of Neon Genesis Evangelion. Some part of me wanted to learn the music. As with many kids in their youth, I studied a bit of piano, but stopped about six years ago, as it was taking time away from my primary instrument: the cello. When I left home for university, I also stopped playing the cello to focus on my studies. I think it was a mistake.
My parents kept my old instruments, and when I wanted to learn Cruel Angel’s Thesis, I simply printed the score, and sat at my piano. Something was different. For the first time in what felt like forever, I wanted to play the piano, and hear myself. I like to think music in some way acts as a mirror to the musician. When I was a kid and played piano, it felt like a chore. I hated it then. And I think a part of why I hated my sound was because I didn’t feel comfortable with myself. I don’t know what it was, but I never felt like I really understood who I was back then. Maybe it was my own immaturity, and maybe that’s just normal.
I used to play and play and play until the timer ran out, and then do something else in high school. But I never really put emphasis on hearing myself. Because I turned away from my sound as a kid, my progress as a musician was slow. I mean, that’s all the piano was to me: a chore. Now, it’s become my hobby. The sound at first was not promising. But as I spent day after day trying to make the piece my own, I enjoyed it. I think I am also far faster at learning music than I used to be, and put a lot more emphasis on understanding the music, and making it my own.
I enjoy hearing myself more than I used to, and I think that’s because I am more comfortable with myself than I was in high school. It’s consumed my life recently, and I couldn’t be happier with that. When I plan to see friends, I schedule my practice around that. When I wait for food to cool down, I make sure to grind scales to keep my technique sharp. I even have a copy of a book to learn musical harmony*, so I can really understand the score at a better depth.
A friend once said to me: “I don’t want to just say that I used to play the French Horn.” And you know, ITH doesn’t want to be a guy who says: “I used to be a musician.” I know I’ll never be good enough to do more than entertain friends and family, but to be honest, I play music for me. And that’s good enough. Thanks for listening to my story, and don’t have expectations for my 20k blog.
Lots of love,
ITH
*musical harmony is important because it helps one understand the music from a structural basis, which makes practicing and hearing the music easier. It also helps in composition if I ever feel like writing my own music (highly unlikely)
edit: the reason I haven't been seriously playing my cello is actually because I hurt my elbow two summers ago, and it's somehow recently starting to become a pain again. I'm doing my stretches like before, and it's coming back down. Hopefully I'll be able to start on that again, as well.
