EPTMeanwhile I am under a different kind of sickness, where I am unable to enjoy anything, and feel an almost unbearable sense of powerlessness and dread. The only thing I see in my future is attempting (and probably failing) to care for my parents until they die. They are pretty much the only people in my life, and it's been that way for about 12 years. At this point I don't see that changing, so when they are dead I can look forward to aging and dying basically alone.
My Dad has alienated most of his close friends and family by borrowing money to invest in unsuccessful businesses, and never paying back. We had a small family to begin with, but now my Uncle stays away from us, my sister has moved halfway around the world, and my Dad's girlfriend is always on the verge of leaving him it sounds like. I feel like he has no one in his corner but myself and my Mom. It's a shame because he really has a lot of good qualities. He's been nothing but good to me, and I often wonder if his mistakes have been enough to deserve a lonesome old age and a good for nothing son.
Around this time last year I was seriously contemplating suicide. Since the beginning of 2016 I was feeling better, especially with the hiking. But I'm afraid that the inertia is starting to run out. Before getting up to write this I was in bed trying to rationalize hurting my family with suicide. I thought I had a promising line, about how their suffering would be shared and blameless, whereas mine I must bear alone and be responsible for. But in the end I thought that it is craven and disgusting trying to rationalize something you know is wrong. I am simply too cowardly to live or to die well. It's a hard truth to lie awake with, and the night is long.
Some pics from our hikes:
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![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/r5BwGLA.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/S9jTl2X.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/EfHBz9i.jpg)
