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It's been awhile since I wrote anything on here and it's been hard to come up with a topic. I was thinking of writing about what I went through with my depression, but when I write a few things out about it, it just never seems understandable. I don't think I can actually explain it through words that well, so I figured why not write about family since someone suggested it before.
From a very young age, my personality disorder started to develop. From the research I've done, it comes down to two reasons. The first one is that schizophrenia runs in my family. So that puts me at an increased risk for mental illnesses that are linked to it. Things like schizophrenia, schizotypal personality disorder and of course schizoid personality disorder. If I can recall right, it increases the chance by a few percent which is a lot if you stop to think about. I think most people would just accept that and convince themselves that's the cause of it, but to me it's only half the story. Another commonly accepted theory is having cold or unresponsive parent(s) during early childhood. I definitely had that in my early years and I'd like to think that's what turned schizoid tendencies into a disorder.
Most people might not know what it means to grow up in a cold environment, so I figured I'll talk about some experiences from both of my parents. My dad really doesn't care about much and it's quite evident throughout my life. As a parent, he hasn't been involved in my life. He never took an interest in my hobbies, my schooling, my friends or whatever else you can think of. I made it a point that if I ever had kids, that I wouldn't make that mistake. Who knows if I'll ever find someone tolerable, but that's a different story. I remember when I was kid that I never told him much after awhile. Not even my grades, test scores or anything of the sort. Even if I got good grades, I wouldn't feel any desire to share anything personal about me. That still carries on to this day and I don't think we're close at all. He's only a parent by name only and nothing else. I think that definitely had some sort of effect on me developing the personality disorder.
I think bugs me the most about him is that he pretends to care some times and it really gets to me some times. I remember back in college when I figured that I'd try one last time and I went with him fishing to try at some kind of relationship. I don't know why, but I decided to tell him about my social anxiety. I didn't use the official words of it, but I explained to him what it does to me. After I finished, he told me something along the lines that I was just making excuses and to just get through it. Honestly after that, I don't remember the rest of the trip. I just went on autopilot and drowned him out with music. After that, we just didn't talk and he made no effort to. Neither did I and I was actually happy that it was dealt with and that it was over. Most people might have been sad to give up on a parent, but for me it was a pretty big relief to come to a decision and to stop clutching at straws so to speak.
My mom definitely wasn't that bad, but she did things along the same sort of lines throughout my childhood. I became a very independent child and I pretty much either spent time alone or with my brother. I'll talk about him later though. She wasn't really there in my childhood, except when it came to giving me shit for my mistakes. I don't think she ever really trusted me. I think there was a really big deficit in trust between immediate family members in my family. It may have effected me the most however. I think my mom realized that she wasn't there for me in my childhood and she tried to make up for it later when I was a preteen, but it was too late then. I already isolated myself from people and my social persona was already formed to protect me.
Her trying to make it up to me never went well and most of the time it made me visibly upset. It's probably why I played nothing except shooting games to try and relieve some stress. She tried to become a parent, but instead she just became strict. It came to the point of her yelling at me if I forgot to do simple things like bring down my dishes right away after eating since I never ate with them or if I stayed up late to play games or watch tv. She always tried to force what she thought was right on me and it really made me mad. I didn't know it then, but it was due to me feeling angry about my childhood. It was then that I started to repress my emotions and I still do to this day. If I didn't, I think I would've definitely had some major anger issues and who knows what would've happened.
They still try to force things on me to this day which doesn't go well. Like for example, this past christmas I was forced to go to a family gathering. My dad forced me and he got upset when I said no. It just seemed easier to go just to avoid a fight. I spent the entire day holed up inside my aunt's basement alone while I listened to music. I couldn't even eat anything considering it was christmas dinner. I planned to sleep in and eat later since I was working 50 hour weeks at my job. Instead it turned into being woken up, forced to go to a family gathering filled with people I don't have any connections with any more and being too upset to eat. That's pretty much how it is with him for the past few years is him trying to force me to do things. If I had to guess, it'd be for appearances.
My brother was the only person I was close to in my family. The keyword there being was. He was the one who got me into gaming. I think the very first game that got me was age of empires 2. I must have been like 7 or 8 when I first played it. My brother and I would stay up all night playing it on weekends despite me being so young and we would take turns while be binged on it. All good things come to an end at some point however. When I was around 11 or 12, he got involved with a girl who was nothing, but bad news. He got her pregnant in college and there were a few rumors going around that she messed with the condom. So he got trapped and quit school. Back to the story though. Once he got involved with her, we really didn't spend any time with me which I was fine with honestly. I dealt with it and moved on. I wasn't mad at him. Perhaps I repressed it, but who knows. In my eyes, he made his choice and there was no point getting worked up over it.
He moved to the other side of the country and he was out of my life. I don't think anyone ever believed me when I said I was fine with it. Fast forward a couple years when I'm halfway through high school and they move back after they failed out west. He tried to get close to me again and that just really irked me the wrong way. I shut him out and I moved on despite the constant pressure coupled with guilt from my parents to try. I think at one point, I told them that he made the choices that he did and now he has to live with those consequences. I've long since abandoned any thought of him being my brother and that's how I moved on. That was how I dealt with it and I've never looked back. It might not have been healthy, but I did what I had to do. My only close friend who I talk to essentially every day, didn't know I used to have a brother for many years. I describe myself as an only child to people who ask now.
I had an itching to talk about my family today and I figured why not. It seemed like a good thing to do and I have been meaning to write another blog. Perhaps some of you will understand just a little bit my desire to move far away and cut them out of my life completely. I've made a lot of progress the last few years, but I'd be lying if I said they didn't effect me. I think I can only make more progress if I cut them out of my life and continue it without them. I know my personality disorder can never go away, but I hope I can make it more tolerable as time goes on.
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Okay, so i had to go back and read your other 2 blogs which i had missed. I even partially re-read the first one. I' m having a hard time understanding what the situation with your brother is right now. Correct me if i' m wrong: he lives back in your home town, or is back east anyway, he is still with his girlfriend and they have their child which they are raising?
They way you shut out your brother years ago is a self defence-mechanism which served its porpouse at its time. He abandonded you, cause he was in a situation that required his complete attention. I don' t think your mad with him. I think you are mad with his girlfriend, and i think you have never adressed this issue with her personally. You hardly mention her or the child(if there ever was a child), which makes me believe that you believe them being not part of yout family, and only a part of your abandoment.
But it also seems to me that you liked your brother, and it seems to me that he likes you too and possibly loves you. and how would you feel about having a relationship with him again? How would it make you feel to speak to him, see him, play a videogame with him? are you sure you want to cut him out of your life forever?
I' m trying now to image your brothers prospective. I wonder if he loves this woman, if this woman loves him. If this is the kind of life he wanted to have. I imagine if he wants to have a relationship with you and he misses you.
For some reason the name Carl keeps popping up in my head while i' m writing this.
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On April 06 2016 10:14 pebble444 wrote:
Okay, so i had to go back and read your other 2 blogs which i had missed. I even partially re-read the first one. I' m having a hard time understanding what the situation with your brother is right now. Correct me if i' m wrong: he lives back in your home town, or is back east anyway, he is still with his girlfriend and they have their child which they are raising?
They way you shut out your brother years ago is a self defence-mechanism which served its porpouse at its time. He abandonded you, cause he was in a situation that required his complete attention. I don' t think your mad with him. I think you are mad with his girlfriend, and i think you have never adressed this issue with her personally. You hardly mention her or the child(if there ever was a child), which makes me believe that you believe them being not part of yout family, and only a part of your abandoment.
But it also seems to me that you liked your brother, and it seems to me that he likes you too and possibly loves you. and how would you feel about having a relationship with him again? How would it make you feel to speak to him, see him, play a videogame with him? are you sure you want to cut him out of your life forever?
I' m trying now to image your brothers prospective. I wonder if he loves this woman, if this woman loves him. If this is the kind of life he wanted to have. I imagine if he wants to have a relationship with you and he misses you.
For some reason the name Carl keeps popping up in my head while i' m writing this.
A better way of describing it was that he choose to put his complete attention into his relationship rather then it being required. I really don't think any sort of relationship would be possible nor do I really want one. I don't think many people on here understand how schizoids can cut people out of their life. From what I've noticed, normal people don't have that capacity like we do. Being a part of a family has always bothered me and I guess you can say it's been a strong desire of mine to get away from it. I know that some schizoids like certain people in their family, but I don't enjoy anyone in mine. Not even in my large extensive family.
I don't have a strong sense of empathy, so me imagining things from my brothers perspective just won't do much. Most of the time, I can't make that connection that normal people can naturally.
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On April 06 2016 12:32 ApatheticSchizoid wrote:Show nested quote +On April 06 2016 10:14 pebble444 wrote:
Okay, so i had to go back and read your other 2 blogs which i had missed. I even partially re-read the first one. I' m having a hard time understanding what the situation with your brother is right now. Correct me if i' m wrong: he lives back in your home town, or is back east anyway, he is still with his girlfriend and they have their child which they are raising?
They way you shut out your brother years ago is a self defence-mechanism which served its porpouse at its time. He abandonded you, cause he was in a situation that required his complete attention. I don' t think your mad with him. I think you are mad with his girlfriend, and i think you have never adressed this issue with her personally. You hardly mention her or the child(if there ever was a child), which makes me believe that you believe them being not part of yout family, and only a part of your abandoment.
But it also seems to me that you liked your brother, and it seems to me that he likes you too and possibly loves you. and how would you feel about having a relationship with him again? How would it make you feel to speak to him, see him, play a videogame with him? are you sure you want to cut him out of your life forever?
I' m trying now to image your brothers prospective. I wonder if he loves this woman, if this woman loves him. If this is the kind of life he wanted to have. I imagine if he wants to have a relationship with you and he misses you.
For some reason the name Carl keeps popping up in my head while i' m writing this.
A better way of describing it was that he choose to put his complete attention into his relationship rather then it being required. I really don't think any sort of relationship would be possible nor do I really want one. I don't think many people on here understand how schizoids can cut people out of their life. From what I've noticed, normal people don't have that capacity like we do. Being a part of a family has always bothered me and I guess you can say it's been a strong desire of mine to get away from it. I know that some schizoids like certain people in their family, but I don't enjoy anyone in mine. Not even in my large extensive family. I don't have a strong sense of empathy, so me imagining things from my brothers perspective just won't do much. Most of the time, I can't make that connection that normal people can naturally.
Most people and "normal people" don' t have a strong sense of empathy. Furthumore empathy is not a condition, it is an ability that changes in strength at difference stages of peoples life and different ages. A classic example is this:
A child has a lot of empathy. A child puts barriers up, using the empathy to spot dangers naturally, and learns how to use his empathy when he is around the correct people that show him proper love and respect. The child grows up, and in this transition he hardenes up. His empathy strength diminushes, his barriers become too overwhelming, cutting out not only the bad people but the good ones that are part of his life.
He does not now anymore know how to use his empathy, cause he is so scared about absording others and not being able to defend himself, that he does not allow anybody to be part of his emotional, physical, mental or spiritual sphere.
He uses his empathy to his advantage, during his job, to get the job done under conditions that are safe to him, under mechanisms that are know to him and without the possibility of anything going astray.
This is what how you can consider many so called "normal" people live their life. What the case example here doesn' t understand, and what they don' t teach us in school, is that you gotta fight in life to become who you want to be
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It sounds like you had a tough childhood but also are sort of hiding behind this diagnosis as a means to not become more of an individual.
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I can relate pretty well to cutting off family and it being a relief more than a burden. I've also notice that others seemingly lack the capacity to cut away from family (even when they're causing more harm than good for them). These days I don't really have anything to do with my brothers or my father or any of my extended family really.
I don't find it that strange that you didn't want to start again with your mother or your brother when they wanted to start things up again. In my mind it doesn't carry much meaning to try and start over if they don't want to acknowledge what's already happened. Actually, I would even go so far as to say that it's insulting.
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EPT
