EPTWell, let's start off in February where I was pretty solid at my job, had a seemingly stable, long term, long distance relationship with someone I was serious about, and my family's health all without foreseeable problems.
All of these would change and in the sum of 12 months and all of these would just completely fall apart.
End of February, work sent me overseas for about 4 months. Getting used to this remote location took some getting used to but was no big deal. A couple of the bosses at the location were jerk-asses, but nothing I couldn't handle. Sometimes people, when you present them with facts and undeniable evidence still find an excuse to make you look bad, lose their shit at you, or just don't care. Learning point number 1, I guess. It got so bad that I had to take people aside and tell them I wouldn't help them do shit if they didn't lay off of me. It's nice to know I have that kind of backbone when I needed it. I was taught well. I'm on graves, by the way. It's hard to sleep with the sunlight, the heat, and the people having sex in the room next door.
March, I got St. Patrick's day care packages from family and my girl. It would be the last thing she would ever mail to me. She started her career job over where she was at in Okinawa at the end of the month, and the excuses began. Couldn't talk to me because X, couldn't Skype every week because Y, can't find time to spare for me because she needed to do Z. Yeah, I could see this going downhill fast. The best part is that I couldn't do jack or shit about it until I got home. So not only am I dealing with unreasonable people at work in a remote, shithole location, now I have this haze over me. Knowing this girl cared less and less for me the instant she started her new job. The change was seemingly overnight. I know better than that now, which I'll get into later. This begins to put an incredible amount of stress on me.
April-May, I'm given more responsibilities now that I'm the senior team member out there. The girlfriend tries to make time for me every week for skype, but other than that apparently has no time to talk on a regular basis. I tack her down one skype session and say that look, we're both busy and we have other priorities and that's ok. As long as we're committed to staying together right? I get no affirmative response for that. Red flag number 2. Again, can't do this shit while still out there. Gotta press on.
Oh yeah, then mom gets cancer.
Stress just permeates every facet of existence from wake up until bed time.
Mom goes under surgery for cancer, comes out alright and needs months to recuperate. Here, the drinking begins. My daily schedule consists of: work, go back to quarters, eat, work out and make sure to sweat a lot, shower, jam session with guitar, go to the lounge at our location and have 2 drinks with my tablet and watch youtube, go to bed. Every single day.
June, I'm outprocessing. Site doctor says I have the 2nd highest stress indicators of anyone he's ever seen in his tour and recommends I see someone when I get home.
Sure doc, whatever you say. I'm still drinking every day.
I finally get home and now I can deal with my relationship situation. I call her out on her behavior, and she apologizes for a lot of it and apologizes that she couldn't make things better than they are with our circumstances. We agree to meet up in person for a trip in Okinawa in September. I could stay with her and everything, it's going to be great blah blah. I make backup plans at another hotel just in case. That alone should speak volumes on how shaky of ground I'm standing on in my relationship. I still hope for things to work out, but in the back of my mind I think I knew it wasn't going to work out. I think I'm fine, but I still think about my situation with her every day to the point where sometimes I skip meals because I'm so fraught with anxiety.
July-September. I'm getting back into things, still thinking everything is fine right? It's amazing how much the human brain can delude itself if one has invested so much into something or someone. I actually wrote a couple of things for TL during this period. I was positive. I started getting back into music again, piano and guitar. Then, girlfriend tells me about her crush on another person. We have a heated fight. The next day, she pours out her feelings about our whole situation and suggests we start things over again.
I have a full blown anxiety attack. My very first one ever. It sucks. I went to see a doctor shortly after for anxiety.
The trip finally comes in September and predictably, we break up. It turns out she thought that me physically being near her again would change her feelings, but they didn't. From my impression, I was probably more serious about her than she was about me from the get go. We had just let it play out a lot longer than we should have. I really wish she could've expressed that to me sooner so we could've ended it before things got really bad. I hate to generalize, but in my experience Japanese people on a whole don't really express themselves like that very well. She had constant problems, as an individual, throughout the years being able to get close to people and expressing herself.
Despite the situation, we still manage to enjoy our time together. She let me stay at her place, introduced me to new, great people, and tried to make sure I had the best time possible. Okinawa is an amazing and beautiful place full of rich history, a wonderful natural environment, and friendly people. We parted at the airport amicably and are still friends now. I thought my troubles were over.
Even when break ups are good, they're still shitty. I found myself not wanting to do anything I loved anymore: StarCraft/video games, guitar, piano, and language learning. This passed after in October, I met a bunch of people at an open mic where I could chill out and jam with people. They're a great bunch of people and I still see them every week. I don't drink every day anymore, but I did find myself at a point where the days I drank too much would get closer in proximity to one another. I can control myself very well apparently, when it comes to these kind of things because when I realized it, I went cold turkey and got myself back together at a safer alcohol consumption level.
Things did get better, as they always do. The New Year came around and things began to look up. I rebounded with one of the bartenders at my open mic nights, I fell into senior responsibility at work, got back into music, and I considered starting to write for TL again.
Then, last month, my grandfather died and my father (his son) has to go under surgery for cancer. Dad couldn't go to his own father's funeral. Man, fuck cancer.
The last time I talked to my grandpa was when I was 16, about 10 years ago. I remember helping him shell peas and going on walks with him after dessert when I visited them last. I remember his large orange tractor and how I popped a mean wheelie when he first taught me how to drive it. I wasn't very close to my grandpa, but I wish I had the opportunity to know him more. I'm more sad for my dad since he couldn't go. People around me have been very nice to me though. I have been receiving more sympathy than I am comfortable with these days, but am nonetheless grateful. Work has given me a few days off (by request) so I can deal with these things, which has given me the time to write all this crap out. I'm so glad my boss stateside is really awesome.
Well, now we've come full circle. Granddad's memorial service was just last week and dad's going under surgery today. After I post this, I'm going to call my mom to see how things are. This last year's been incredibly terrible. I don't think I'll be writing for TL any time soon given how things have been, and I'm being sent overseas again! This time though, it will only be for 1 month and will be a language immersive experience. But the application and visa process, the planning and logistics for this trip is taking up a lot of my free time.
After I come back though, I want to start writing for TL again for sure. After all, I owe Peanuts a language blog.
I have a few other projects I want to get into, like publishing an article in a peer-reviewed journal, maybe getting into podcasting with a friend about foreign policy. It's been a rough year, but I'm looking forward to a better one I hope. I just need a bit a time to get my shit together again, and I will see you all soon enough, TL.Love,
Brindled
