EPTLooking back at 2015, I've made some realizations.
First of all, money won't make a person happy (unless you really like $$$). Having a job that provides me some good cash, won't fill the emotional void in me.
Partying, while fun, doesn't really suit for people with mental problems as I've found out. These past months I've probably spent more money on drinking and going out than in my whole life. The end result was that I became fatigued and my mental state went real bad again. But... I'm thankful that I've hit that low as I really needed a kick from reality. Trying to be someone else isn't worth it, because you are the best for you.
That kick from reality made me realize that I should focus on self-improvement. In these past few years I've constantly felt that I lack something. I've been feeling empty and foolish. And now that I know what's the problem, I can begin working on it. I've found out that instead of doing something with real-life value I spent most of my time playing Dota2, watching TV series and reality shows. That doesn't sound very productive now, does it? Don't get me wrong. I don't regret doing those things as I really enjoy doing them. But at some poing I have to move on. It feels like I've sheltered myself from the outside world with those activities.
I looked into myself and wondered why I didn't feel these negative emotions when I was younger. And I remembered that I used to read all sorts of interesting books and excercised daily. I haven't done that for a while, and I think that's the reason why I feel like I do. I haven't grown as a person and that's made me feel like I'm stagnating.
But I'm starting to do some small steps to improve that. I've slowly started to workout, and conciously trying to be more interested of the world and people surrounding me. It's not at all easy for me. Seeing others socializing and living the good life seemingly carefree is something that I'm really jealous of. Some friends have asked me why I feel like this, and I've tried explaining it to them, but in the end the really don't get it. It's like there's an invisible barrier between me and them from understanding each other.
I almost didn't write this because I feel really sluggish, but something deep inside forced me to do it.
I think I should set some goals for me going to 2016:
- Write more: I've stopped doing this recently and I feel that's had a negative effect on me. Writing my thoughts out or just doing some creative writing really helps me sort things out mentally and move on.
- Excercise often: I'd like to feel more energetic and by sitting home I won't achieve that. I think it could help me with socializing with others too as I'd become more confident.
- Find out what I enjoy: I don't really enjoy anything besides Dota2, and I feel that's wrong. I should find some other activites besides that that really get my mind juices flowing and my excitement going.
Hi 2016
