EPTPart 1
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When starting a new game (I chose the "short" campaign option which is probably like 200.000hrs of playtime if you play all the battles yourself) the first question is of course which nation you will lead to glory and global dominance.
Since I'm not here to play some weirdo colony shit with seabattles and stuff I quickly decide against England, United Provinces (what a shitty name for the Netherlands), Spain and the Baguettes. Also any form of weird India stuff is off the table too. It's between Russia, Prussia, Sweden, Ottomans, Poland-Lithuania and Austria. Since when I first played the game 5years ago I already played Austria and it would be too much of a cliche they are off the table too.
I eventually decide to join the glorious, peaceful and missunderstood Prussians in their conquest to conquer all of Germany. God damn it I feel evil.
Turn 1:
So we get into the game and Prussia is all like mega-wealthy with Berlin (Brandenburg) and Königsberg (Eastern Prussia) but also mega-small. The advisor gril tells me to watch out for the Austrians marching on Berlin and to ally with my protestant brothers like Sweden, Denmark and all those German towns around me to protect my flanks and that I should immidiatly research some war technologies.
So first thing I go to the diplomacy menu and it turns out Sweden hates me and Denmark doesn't give a shit and neither wants to ally with me. Well, at least England is friendly and Saxony and Hannover are eager to join my great German Reichs alliance.
I resist the urge to invade Poland and instead ally with them and try to get military access so I can move troops between Brandenburg and Eastern Prussia, because for some shitty historical accurate reason Western Prussia belongs to Poland-Lithuania. My diplomatic offer for mutual military access is met with a generous counteroffer that I can have military access if Poland gets Eastern Prussia in return. I conisder that deal for quite some time but come to the conclusion that without Eastern Prussia I also don't need military access anymore and I don't want to pull my new ally over the barrel in the first turn.
After doing the usual Total War shit - build guys, move guys, build stuff that makes me afford more guys - I end my turn and my AI friends get to play. Since I'm not really interested in what they are up to I'm using the option to not care about what they are doing, but they still try to interact. Already on their first turn England confesses that they would really like to be a part of Europe too and ask whether they could have Eastern Prussia. Surely not, what would other civilized nations think if I let some islandsavages settle on the continent and so I refuse.
Totally unexpected Austria declares war and sends their fifty-thousand star general Prinz Eugen into my lands to invade Berlin. Other countries do other stuff.
Turn 2:
Without fear I go into the second turn since I'm sure of the help of all my allies, besides Poland who rather broke their alliance than march with me to glory but what else would you expect from those shitty catholics. I clench my teeth, swallow my Prussian pride and really with them for future endevours. They even give me 10turns military access so I can march with my troops from Königsberg towards Vienna in trade for infinite access to my lands. What a partner!
It turns out I also have a few mega-generals and the guy stationed in Berlin in the beginning marches onto Prinz Eugen with a superior army.
It turns out the AI is not that well-versed when it comes to combat and they would rather scatter their inferior army all across the battlefield than to attack me in some reasonable formation. My Line Infantry takes the win in the main combat and when all of the AIs troops start to flee and the advisor asks me to end the combat I instead decide to show the Austrians how welcoming the Prussians are and my cavalery slaughters them all including Prinz Eugen and his riders.
I then march onto Breslau with that army.
Turn 3 and Turn 4:
My glorious German troops free Silesia and Czechoslavakia - which isn't called Czechoslovakia but Bohemia - from the Schnitzel & Cake repression and bring them Königsberger Klopse instead, but they still consider me an invader. Since the game doesn't allow me to convert them through the terror of German comedy, Im eventually forced to exclude them from taxes to prevent a revolution (as if my glorious Prussian troops would fear Czech farmers, but I really don't have the time for that now).
Turn 5:
It turns out that without taxes and lots of army I cannot really afford to march further and while Austria should be in shambles too thehorribly cheating ingenious AI would probably be able to whittle me down if I tried to take Vienna. Instead I seek peace to have some time to get my economy back up and my new territories in line. To my great astonishment Austria accepts and we become trading buddies. Also since I share a border with Bavaria now too I start to import Bavarian sausages and wheat beer in trade for more Königerberger Klöpse.
I can also finally ally with England which was previously not possible because "you can't ally with an ally of your enemy". Well, that costs me small bucks but it really isn't all that much to have the leading seafaring nation on your side to prevent angry Baguettes with which I have historical griefances (I don't know which but they probably got their asses handed to them once or twice prior to the start of the game #justFrenchThings) to swim through the baltic sea and bring à´c`cé`nt`s to my beautiful language.
Turn 6-9:
Turns out those bloody English bastards were only interested in my money and they break their alliance with me after turn 6. But we are still best trading buddies, so whatever. Not a lot going on, I'm still just teching and macroing and shit. Forcing taxes upon Silesia and Prague and being all wealthy and just doing what a 17th century monarch did in peace times.
Turn 10:
Why not just attack your friend and former ally? Fucking Brits just appeared out of nowhere with their imbalanced fleet and started sieging Königsberg. Whatever, I just run them over because for some reason the AI thought sieging when you are outnumber 1:2 was a good idea. Probably the British weather that made them that desperate...
Since I'm not here to play some weirdo colony shit with seabattles and stuff I quickly decide against England, United Provinces (what a shitty name for the Netherlands), Spain and the Baguettes. Also any form of weird India stuff is off the table too. It's between Russia, Prussia, Sweden, Ottomans, Poland-Lithuania and Austria. Since when I first played the game 5years ago I already played Austria and it would be too much of a cliche they are off the table too.
I eventually decide to join the glorious, peaceful and missunderstood Prussians in their conquest to conquer all of Germany. God damn it I feel evil.
Turn 1:
So we get into the game and Prussia is all like mega-wealthy with Berlin (Brandenburg) and Königsberg (Eastern Prussia) but also mega-small. The advisor gril tells me to watch out for the Austrians marching on Berlin and to ally with my protestant brothers like Sweden, Denmark and all those German towns around me to protect my flanks and that I should immidiatly research some war technologies.
So first thing I go to the diplomacy menu and it turns out Sweden hates me and Denmark doesn't give a shit and neither wants to ally with me. Well, at least England is friendly and Saxony and Hannover are eager to join my great German Reichs alliance.
I resist the urge to invade Poland and instead ally with them and try to get military access so I can move troops between Brandenburg and Eastern Prussia, because for some shitty historical accurate reason Western Prussia belongs to Poland-Lithuania. My diplomatic offer for mutual military access is met with a generous counteroffer that I can have military access if Poland gets Eastern Prussia in return. I conisder that deal for quite some time but come to the conclusion that without Eastern Prussia I also don't need military access anymore and I don't want to pull my new ally over the barrel in the first turn.
After doing the usual Total War shit - build guys, move guys, build stuff that makes me afford more guys - I end my turn and my AI friends get to play. Since I'm not really interested in what they are up to I'm using the option to not care about what they are doing, but they still try to interact. Already on their first turn England confesses that they would really like to be a part of Europe too and ask whether they could have Eastern Prussia. Surely not, what would other civilized nations think if I let some islandsavages settle on the continent and so I refuse.
Totally unexpected Austria declares war and sends their fifty-thousand star general Prinz Eugen into my lands to invade Berlin. Other countries do other stuff.
Turn 2:
Without fear I go into the second turn since I'm sure of the help of all my allies, besides Poland who rather broke their alliance than march with me to glory but what else would you expect from those shitty catholics. I clench my teeth, swallow my Prussian pride and really with them for future endevours. They even give me 10turns military access so I can march with my troops from Königsberg towards Vienna in trade for infinite access to my lands. What a partner!
It turns out I also have a few mega-generals and the guy stationed in Berlin in the beginning marches onto Prinz Eugen with a superior army.
It turns out the AI is not that well-versed when it comes to combat and they would rather scatter their inferior army all across the battlefield than to attack me in some reasonable formation. My Line Infantry takes the win in the main combat and when all of the AIs troops start to flee and the advisor asks me to end the combat I instead decide to show the Austrians how welcoming the Prussians are and my cavalery slaughters them all including Prinz Eugen and his riders.
I then march onto Breslau with that army.
Turn 3 and Turn 4:
My glorious German troops free Silesia and Czechoslavakia - which isn't called Czechoslovakia but Bohemia - from the Schnitzel & Cake repression and bring them Königsberger Klopse instead, but they still consider me an invader. Since the game doesn't allow me to convert them through the terror of German comedy, Im eventually forced to exclude them from taxes to prevent a revolution (as if my glorious Prussian troops would fear Czech farmers, but I really don't have the time for that now).
Turn 5:
It turns out that without taxes and lots of army I cannot really afford to march further and while Austria should be in shambles too the
I can also finally ally with England which was previously not possible because "you can't ally with an ally of your enemy". Well, that costs me small bucks but it really isn't all that much to have the leading seafaring nation on your side to prevent angry Baguettes with which I have historical griefances (I don't know which but they probably got their asses handed to them once or twice prior to the start of the game #justFrenchThings) to swim through the baltic sea and bring à´c`cé`nt`s to my beautiful language.
Turn 6-9:
Turns out those bloody English bastards were only interested in my money and they break their alliance with me after turn 6. But we are still best trading buddies, so whatever. Not a lot going on, I'm still just teching and macroing and shit. Forcing taxes upon Silesia and Prague and being all wealthy and just doing what a 17th century monarch did in peace times.
Turn 10:
Why not just attack your friend and former ally? Fucking Brits just appeared out of nowhere with their imbalanced fleet and started sieging Königsberg. Whatever, I just run them over because for some reason the AI thought sieging when you are outnumber 1:2 was a good idea. Probably the British weather that made them that desperate...
This blog may or may not continue...
...it may ...
Part 2
+ Show Spoiler +
So turn 11 to 20 are also superboring build up turns and I don't quite recall what happened exactly. Basically teching and macroing and shit like that, really working on my composition (=more line infantry).
England is still at war with me and refuse to make peace but they also don't do anything else and their invasion fleet seems to be stuck in the baltic sea because it doesn't move anymore. Probably has to do with Sweden bashing Denmark for historical accuracy and not letting the Brits go home through the Danish passage.
Also Sweden kinda tried to attack my buddy Hannover and I really didn't want to be at war or have all other countries be pissed about me being an alliance breaker so I used my time machine to before the Swedes attacked Hannover and broke the alliance with Hannover, which then caused the Swedes to not attack Hannover and Hannover to conquer Cologne wtf???
Important, my good friend Poland declared war on Austria and the Ottomans which are kind of in war with everyone but me also tried to attack Austria but the Emperor doesn't take shit from anyone and just took Warsaw. However they lost Galicia to Poland which put nearly all of the Austrian regions in reach of my armies.
Which brings me to my plan for at this point, which was to have all my troops at the Austrian boarder and wait for them to suicide into me, which would have been the obvious AI move but somehow it didn't happen. So I'm still stuck on 4regions but with somewhat of an army, just that the AI can somewhat "afford" double the amount of troops per turn and their upkeep.
Turn 21:
So I got this skype call from the Austrian Emperor out of nowhere and he had a really shitty connection from his 3rd world country, but that's kind of how it went:
AE: "Hey dude, wanna hang out some time. Just Netflix and chill!"
Me: "No dude, last time you said that you tried to f*** me up. No more Netflix and Chill with you."
AE: "Fucking maphacker, that wasn't fair. Come play me in League!"
Me: "You really wanna take that to Poland!"
AE: "Of course we are taking that to Poland. Winner keeps it all!"
Me: "no gl hf, hope you get cancer!"
...
(this went on for some hours and revealed some details about my mother that I never wanted to know...)
And that's were I decided it was time toconquer Poland defeat the Austrians decisively.
In a big maneuver with my two gathered armies I took Warsaw and Vienna. And since I had so much shit left after slapping that avilo-style Austrian turtleplay in Vienna with Prussianroachmasters line infantry I just took Preßburg in the same turn too (funny how that is the capital of Hungary).
Suddenly I had the chance of eliminating Austria in the next turn if they didn't recall back home to Croatia. I also immidiatly made a trade contract with the Ottomans who were like superfriendly too me as their new neighbour, all like "boa yeah, we love Protestants. Please show us your missionary, we would never come from behind."
Of course Bavaria (and Wurttemberg, but who cares about wannabe-Switzerland) had also declared war on me for attacking their best catholic, sausage buddies which I thought wouldn't be a problem because so far those single town states had been quite passive. Which basically means that my oh so helpful allies Saxony, Courland and Hannover didn't do shit for me when I needed them and I thought that Bavaria would do the same to Austria.
Turn 22:
Obviously my good friends the Ottomans declared war on me for whatever reason and wanted to take Hungary. And obviously Bavaria took their superior and technologically advanced army - wtf, what do they feed them??? - over my boarders towards Prague. And as it turns out, Warsaw had been kind of pissed about the Austrian invaders and they were equally pissed about me and just revolted which made some rebel army appear out of thin air with the Polish banners but which weren't actually the same Polish as my allies the Polish. More about them in the next turns...
But most importantly, I managed to march on Zagreb and defeat the Austrians once and for all which were just chilling there at the beaches trying to marry hot Balkan girls instead of fighting. What a pussy nation. Tu salax Austria mori.
Since Prussians are known for leaving other countries in peace and totally not to create some puffer zones between me and the Ottoman Empire after losing most of my line infantry against Austria, I just left Hungary and Zagreb and retreated my stuff to Vienna while frantically trying to muster up an army to hold Prague against Bavaria's Laser and Rocket Troops.
Ah yeah, that was also the turn after which Poland nearly gave me a heartattack when the diplomatic menu popped up, but instead of declaring war they simply wanted to ask whether I still needed East Prussia or if they could have it. My counteroffer to trade Poland for West Prussia was then refused, somehow they must have realized that German Danzig was just more effective than demolished Warsaw...
Turn 23-24:
Things got quite intense but I managed to barely hold against the Bavarians, yet losing most of the last of my active armies at the gates of Prague (my other remaining army of size was camping in Warsaw). But since I didn't give a fuck about my new 4regions revolting due to taxload I had tons of money to queue somewhat of a new army.
In Croatia, Austria and Hungary I let the people eat cake, but apparently those fuckers wanted bread instead which I didn't have. Hence, revolutions which I massacred in Austria, yet let succeed in Hungary and Croatia with the wanted result that the Ottoman armies were suddenly stuck at the other side of two newly emerged countries. Well, kind of. For all my American readers, yes Hungary, that's a country. And Croatia, just that this racist game doesn't think Croatia deserves to be its own independent country but is rather just some rebellious nation without the ability to actually do stuff besides messing up Ottoman troops, lol. (kind of funny, every German one-horse town has its own superarmy in the game, but Croatia? Never heard of that people)
And around Warsaw the Polish rebels first did nothing, and then they just died when I attacked them with the help of the nearby Polish army of my ally. Lol. I even let the Polish march on the Polish first, before really participating in that battle to be extra efficient.
England is still at war with me and refuse to make peace but they also don't do anything else and their invasion fleet seems to be stuck in the baltic sea because it doesn't move anymore. Probably has to do with Sweden bashing Denmark for historical accuracy and not letting the Brits go home through the Danish passage.
Also Sweden kinda tried to attack my buddy Hannover and I really didn't want to be at war or have all other countries be pissed about me being an alliance breaker so I used my time machine to before the Swedes attacked Hannover and broke the alliance with Hannover, which then caused the Swedes to not attack Hannover and Hannover to conquer Cologne wtf???
Important, my good friend Poland declared war on Austria and the Ottomans which are kind of in war with everyone but me also tried to attack Austria but the Emperor doesn't take shit from anyone and just took Warsaw. However they lost Galicia to Poland which put nearly all of the Austrian regions in reach of my armies.
Which brings me to my plan for at this point, which was to have all my troops at the Austrian boarder and wait for them to suicide into me, which would have been the obvious AI move but somehow it didn't happen. So I'm still stuck on 4regions but with somewhat of an army, just that the AI can somewhat "afford" double the amount of troops per turn and their upkeep.
Turn 21:
So I got this skype call from the Austrian Emperor out of nowhere and he had a really shitty connection from his 3rd world country, but that's kind of how it went:
AE: "Hey dude, wanna hang out some time. Just Netflix and chill!"
Me: "No dude, last time you said that you tried to f*** me up. No more Netflix and Chill with you."
AE: "Fucking maphacker, that wasn't fair. Come play me in League!"
Me: "You really wanna take that to Poland!"
AE: "Of course we are taking that to Poland. Winner keeps it all!"
Me: "no gl hf, hope you get cancer!"
...
(this went on for some hours and revealed some details about my mother that I never wanted to know...)
And that's were I decided it was time to
In a big maneuver with my two gathered armies I took Warsaw and Vienna. And since I had so much shit left after slapping that avilo-style Austrian turtleplay in Vienna with Prussian
Suddenly I had the chance of eliminating Austria in the next turn if they didn't recall back home to Croatia. I also immidiatly made a trade contract with the Ottomans who were like superfriendly too me as their new neighbour, all like "boa yeah, we love Protestants. Please show us your missionary, we would never come from behind."
Of course Bavaria (and Wurttemberg, but who cares about wannabe-Switzerland) had also declared war on me for attacking their best catholic, sausage buddies which I thought wouldn't be a problem because so far those single town states had been quite passive. Which basically means that my oh so helpful allies Saxony, Courland and Hannover didn't do shit for me when I needed them and I thought that Bavaria would do the same to Austria.
Turn 22:
Obviously my good friends the Ottomans declared war on me for whatever reason and wanted to take Hungary. And obviously Bavaria took their superior and technologically advanced army - wtf, what do they feed them??? - over my boarders towards Prague. And as it turns out, Warsaw had been kind of pissed about the Austrian invaders and they were equally pissed about me and just revolted which made some rebel army appear out of thin air with the Polish banners but which weren't actually the same Polish as my allies the Polish. More about them in the next turns...
But most importantly, I managed to march on Zagreb and defeat the Austrians once and for all which were just chilling there at the beaches trying to marry hot Balkan girls instead of fighting. What a pussy nation. Tu salax Austria mori.
Since Prussians are known for leaving other countries in peace and totally not to create some puffer zones between me and the Ottoman Empire after losing most of my line infantry against Austria, I just left Hungary and Zagreb and retreated my stuff to Vienna while frantically trying to muster up an army to hold Prague against Bavaria's Laser and Rocket Troops.
Ah yeah, that was also the turn after which Poland nearly gave me a heartattack when the diplomatic menu popped up, but instead of declaring war they simply wanted to ask whether I still needed East Prussia or if they could have it. My counteroffer to trade Poland for West Prussia was then refused, somehow they must have realized that German Danzig was just more effective than demolished Warsaw...
Turn 23-24:
Things got quite intense but I managed to barely hold against the Bavarians, yet losing most of the last of my active armies at the gates of Prague (my other remaining army of size was camping in Warsaw). But since I didn't give a fuck about my new 4regions revolting due to taxload I had tons of money to queue somewhat of a new army.
In Croatia, Austria and Hungary I let the people eat cake, but apparently those fuckers wanted bread instead which I didn't have. Hence, revolutions which I massacred in Austria, yet let succeed in Hungary and Croatia with the wanted result that the Ottoman armies were suddenly stuck at the other side of two newly emerged countries. Well, kind of. For all my American readers, yes Hungary, that's a country. And Croatia, just that this racist game doesn't think Croatia deserves to be its own independent country but is rather just some rebellious nation without the ability to actually do stuff besides messing up Ottoman troops, lol. (kind of funny, every German one-horse town has its own superarmy in the game, but Croatia? Never heard of that people)
And around Warsaw the Polish rebels first did nothing, and then they just died when I attacked them with the help of the nearby Polish army of my ally. Lol. I even let the Polish march on the Polish first, before really participating in that battle to be extra efficient.
This blog may or may not continue...
