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So I've been feeling kind of off for a long while now. I guess a more accurate way to say it is that I feel lost and depressed. For the last two or three years actually. Tonight I had more time than usual to think about this and I thought maybe sharing my thoughts might make me feel better about it all. Sorry for the wall of text I just really wanted to get this off my chest. So here goes.
As we all know it is inevitable that people, no matter how close they are, drift apart from each other, It could be for so many reasons. Work, school, family, etc. I have had the pleasure of watching my best friends succeed and move on to do what they really want to do with their lives and I could not be more proud of them. Once they were all gone though I guess I started to look around and noticed I was alone. I tried to pursue my own dreams. I thought I had a decent plan for it all. I finished my Associates Degree in Music Recording Tech, I got out of McDonalds and got a full time job for more money.I got a part time job as a sound engineer at the local arena to get some experience in the field.Things were looking pretty good. I was doing well at both of my jobs performance wise and I was happy. Or so I thought. Then came the time that everyone started to move on from their lives at home.
Now anyone who knows me at all knows I love video games just about as much as I love music. When I had free time and the resources to I had started playing games online. Starcraft 2 to be specific. I really loved the game and it was fun to play. The game (as we all know :3) is primarily a multiplayer game when it all came down to it and I wanted to get better at it. I found an online community that I liked and joined it so I could find people to play with since no one I knew really played at the time.
When I started out I didn't want to be the best but the sheer competitiveness of the game sucked me in. I wanted to be the best, I practiced hard. I probably tried harder with Starcraft more than anything else in my life to that point. I found Teamliquid.net shortly after and lurked around for a long time finding build orders and streams to watch and learn from. I started to improve nearly exponentially. I went from silver to platinum in a couple months time and mere weeks after that happened I went into diamond. The next season I managed to get Master league. I felt so accomplished and I had made so many friends along the way. I continued to play pretty competitively for a long time until after the first season of Hear of the Swarm. At this point a lot of the friends I made along the way through Starcraft stopped playing. The game felt empty to me. My team had broken up for various reasons and I started to feel bad for losing and every time I won a game I got so much hate from most of my opponents. I was called everything under the sun. "Faggot", "noob", "trash player", "only win cuz protoss lol", "kill yourself" were the most popular. I mean I dished out my own fair share of bm over the years but it was 99% of the time retaliatory. Eventually between the frustration of my own (probably misguided) notions of poor game balance, the hate I kept getting from more than 75% of the people I either beat or lost too, and the sheer loneliness I felt after most of my friends had quit and my team fell apart, I gave up. I still have a couple of those friends who I talk to everyday but it isn't the same feeling as before.
This is the point when things started to take a weird/bad turn for me. The friends I had mentioned in the beginning that I grew up with were now all completely gone to their new jobs, lives, higher education, whatever. These were people I spent every weekend if not everyday with from the time I was seven until I was twenty-two. We were all in a garage band together. I was a decent singer for rock and roll and had really limited skill with the guitar but not much else. So when they left I lost my only real outlet for music. I mean I had the part time job at the arena I mentioned but that was quickly going nowhere and I couldn't find any other work in the field in my area.Some people in the industry that I got to know made promises to help me out that they never kept so I started to feel dejected over that. Eventually after being let down so many times I lost my passion for music too.
So tonight this all really hit me hard. I realized I had lost my passion for the two things I loved doing more than anything. I'm stuck in a dead end job that I don't really like. Sometimes I have to work ridiculous hours and I still only make just enough to pay my bills. Every time I start to save some money something stupid happens like my car needing repair for example and I lose all the money I had saved. This leads to me being stuck (at least I feel that way) right where I'm at. I hate where I'm at. I feel more lonely than I've ever felt in my life.
Meeting new people was always a hard thing for me and without my already established friends around I find it hard to go to anything by myself because I just feel awkward anywhere I go. I tend to find myself listening to what everyone else wants to talk about but when I try to talk about what I like or how I feel everyone ignores me and it all falls on deaf ears. I can't even begin to count the amount of times where I try to add to a conversation and the subject changes almost as soon as I open my mouth and my opinion gets left in the cold. This makes me just awkwardly stand on the edges of conversations. I began to just stop trying. I stopped trying to go to parties or any other social gathering because whats the point? I'm just going to end up left behind. I don't consider myself anti-social. I still talk to people. I just never share my own opinions and when people finally actually do ask me about how I feel about something or invite me to something. I just tell them what I think they want to hear. When my family and the few friends who actually still do talk to me from time to time ask me how I'm doing I say I'm ok and smile but deep down I'm sad and depressed and lonely.
I spent far too much time writing this but I feel a little bit better for doing it. Even if no one reads this at all. Thanks for taking the time to read it if you did.
TL:DR Having a hard time dealing with some depression and wrote about the things I feel the most sad about to get them off my chest.
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Don't let your passion for music die off! You will eventually find a new band to play in, even though it might be tough to find people you feel comfortable to play with.
Also, try not to give up on humanity because a bunch of people didn't want to properly listen to you. I'm sure there's plenty of cool people who'd love to listen to your stories all day, you just haven't found them yet.
I'm in kind of a similair situation, where my passion for playing music is being suffocated by not having time and people to play with, but I'm sure it will eventually happen. I made a big move to a huge new city 3/4 of a year ago and I'm not exactly the best at finding new people, so this "standing at the edge of a conversation" feels familiar. But once in a while, there are people who listen, and I'm sure you'll find those as well. They might turn out to not be that great after all, but only because you haven't found these people yet, that doesn't mean they're not waiting for you.
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It feels like there are very limited options at the place you live. Maybe you should move like Elvis! did, too a bigger place, since you don't seem to have friends there that hold you down. Maybe some of your starcraft contacts can set you up with a job.
If you think about staying because of your familiy, you only will resent them one day. And telling them what they want to hear goes into the same direction, in the end, people want you to be happy (I am not above that at all...tend to try pleasing people way too much myself).
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Hey man, I can relate both to the depression / loneliness and the dead end job with long hours and low pay. I don't really have any advice since I am still trying to find solutions to these things myself. sounds like you are still young though so there will definitely be more opportunities career-wise further down the road, as long as you keep at it. also like the poster above mentioned: a change of scenery may do wonders.
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Thanks again for taking the time to read this guys. You're words and advice mean a lot to me. I'll be working at this for a while I'm sure and I'm happier knowing I can share this stuff here.
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I also can relate to the feeling of loneliness although mine are self inflicted. I moved to Shanghai and found myself so absorbed with work and related things that almost 1.5 year later I realized that I didn't really have that much besides work. Those few friends that I have are fleeting contacts because that's just the live here (Shanghai is a place where like 70% of the people are immigrants and just keep coming and going all the time).
Going in a different direction than the rest of your social circle will cause you to be lonely at times yeah. For those that do chose that different direction being able to spend time alone and be content is an important skill to have. That doesn't mean you should stay at home and wallow in your self induced exile though.
You gotta chase after what you want. Nobody want's to play music with you? Do it by yourself. Job is dead end? Then start looking for a better one. Etc.
I realize that you kind of just need to vent but I am all to familiar with the feeling you are describing and I'm telling you it's not worth even spending a minute feeling like that.
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good luck dude. I don't have any advice but I hope you find your way 
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Can't give you any good advice right now but hang tight!
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Depression is serious asf.
You can get some medication for it from your doctor, which I actually was sceptical to even try but honestly it helped...
It got me going, made me feel better and then I just got to the gym, out and about and now I feel great and have since stopped taking it on purpose, which your not exactly supposed to do but I feel like I needed the leg up..
I also have the money issue, I save and save and then bam I get sick or take injuries and I need to use some or all of it to stay afloat.
I found that getting myself a $1000 credit card worked great, basically I just keep saving and if something comes up that I need to pay or buy or cover I just use the card, keep my cash and pay it off quickly with my pay each week, that way your not being reset on savings.
Credit cards aren't without penalty's though and can be really dangerous if you aren't on top of it so be careful.
- Like you have your savings so worse case you can just use that to pay it down so your not being charged out the ringer, I write down when all payments are due on the calendar and make sure I am all over it.
Just some advice mate!
You're stuck, only you can get you out, get too work!!
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Thanks for sharing. I am feeling depressed and lonely too, but reading this made me feel less lonely.
I just want too say - dont waste your time on people that make you feel like you dont exist. I'm not saying you should not continue to be friendly and polite to them, but your time is valuable - just saying. Save it for someone who deserves it - someone who listens to you and considers your opinions and thoughts to be just as important as anyone elses. They are out there - maybe you know the kind of person i am talking about? But they can be difficult to find and hold on too?
How are you feeling? Are you ok?
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On July 15 2015 20:36 Tydrokos wrote:
I spent far too much time writing this but I feel a little bit better for doing it.
No, it took you just the right amount of introspective efforts, and as hard as it might have felt this is only the beginning, the benefits you will reap will outweigh the hurt you suffer through.
Your life is your own, go and make it one that you love! No one will come and save you if you hide within your regrets.
Even if no one reads this at all.
You are not alone.
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EPT
