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My hyper-competitiveness

Blogs > ShoCkSC2
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ShoCkSC2
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
Germany340 Posts
Last Edited: 2015-03-28 19:04:46
March 28 2015 10:31 GMT
#1
Hey TL,
today I will talk about my own life a bit. Normally, I create content for SC2, do guides and stuff, but today is going to be a little more selfish.

For those that followed my time when I was streaming, creating content and doing Vlogs, you probably already know that I have mentioned a lot of times that I am incredibly competitive. However, I dont think a lot of people really understand what that means.

So here is my story.



Ever since I was young, I had this feeling. I dont really know where it was coming from to be honest, but I had this drive to be better than other people. There was something, a second voice in my head that was telling me to try harder, to be better than what I am.

I dont know where this all started, but I remembered back in the days in elementary school, I wasnt very tall. So a lot of people would be calling me "small" and I was automatically associated with that word. I remember how much that would fire up my ego. I was so incredibly sensitive when it came to my size that I got into a lot of fights. The weird thing was, i never feared any of it. Its like I needed to prove something.

I remember that day when I got into a fight with a guy that was 4th grade when I was 2nd. I was small, but deep inside I knew I was strong too.

Im not a fan of violence at all, so dont get me wrong here. What Im saying is, I could never accept to be the "weak" one, the loser in a sense.

Maybe this is where it kind of started, maybe I had it all along before that, I honestly dont know. But here is how my life went on. So far, it sounds pretty normal, like talking about someone with a big ego.

As I got older, I developed a tendency. A tendency to focus so heavily on one thing that I forgot all the things around. That one thing could be a sport, an activity, anything. I started developing an obsessiveness with whatever I was doing at the time and only focused on that.

Basically, with 10 I really got into soccer. I wanted to be the best, so I trained for insane hours. I went out and didnt come back after playing around 8-10 hours. I played a lot together with my friends, weirdly enough the only thing that was fun for me was mainly winning. I could only enjoy my time when I was winning. I cant describe how hard I was beating myself up about losing, how difficult and impossible for me it was to accept failure.

I remember one of my friends' mother always said "You are really bad with your nerves niklas" because I would always get so angry when I lost.

I remember how I would be so incredibly upset and in self-hatred that i would punish myself by having to practice overtime for hours in my own backyard even tho I didnt enjoy it after playing for so many hours with my friends. It wasnt about fun, it was about winning, thats where my fun was.

This still sounds pretty normal, but there is something that I feel very alone with to be honest. Until this day I havent met a person that was alike in that sense, so Im just going on to describe further.

It wasnt just years of soccer I was obsessed with, what was really weird is, once I found a new passion, something that was interesting for me, I instantly dropped the ball and never looked back. I gave zero interest back to what I was doing for years, what I worked my ass off for. Once I found something new, I focused 100% of my time and willpower to it.

I remember how my mother told me countless of times why I always have to "overdo" things once I enjoy something. But I could not even really decide that, once I got hooked with something I got obsessed with being good at it, be the best, win.

I remember when I got into skateboarding, I wanted to be the best in the world. I trained for countless of hours, every day. There was no "off-days", my competitive spirit was so deeply branded into my mind, there was never even a thought of not practicing.

Now, what I realized is after about 16-18 years of my life (im 20 now), I saw a tendency. Once I found a passion, I generally did that very thing for a couple of years. And nothing else besides that. The more I fail at something, the more I am hooked, because I just can not accept defeat.

Now, all of that does not sound that bad, does it? Generally speaking, Im proud that I always work on improving myself so hard and that I am pretty damn good at a lot of things. But there is a side-effect to that and this is what I want to really talk about. Believe me, being hyper competitive has its downsides.

The downside of strong, obessive focus towards one task in your life:

When I say Im focusing on one task, I mean one hobby, one passion. At that point, there is nothing else in my life that really matters to me. This one thing is the most important thing for me. If you take this from me, my life is emtpy, worthless.

I am literally obsessed with this one thing. I only enjoy doing it for as long as I am doing well, for as long as I am winning, as I am edging out on others. Why? Because I put in the time, the effort, the willpower, my everything. This is not a hobby, not a passion, this is ME.

I truely identify with what I am doing. For me, once I found a hobby, there was never a moment in my mind where i could accept defeat, where I could let go, where I could chill and have fun with my friends whilst failing. I had to succeed. Because in the end, I was so deeply into that one activity, that one hobby that it was essentially who I became. I became that guy doing that, that was the only thing I was doing, that was me.

Okay, so I had this very strong connection with what I am doing. But what is the downside? First of all, I want to talk about some things that I still struggle with to this day.

I am an extreme introvert. Most guys that watch my stream dont realize this as I have worked incredibly hard on myself to get more outside of my head, but I honestly dont know a lot of people that are even close to as introverted as me. I was the kid that was rather sitting alone in a corner, thinking about himself than playing with his friends. I remember one of my birthdays (maybe my 9th/10th birthday) where all of my friends would be playing, having fun, but after a small disappointment I would sit alone a bit further away, just thinking about myself. Thinking about life, how I felt etc.

I am the kind of guy that sits in class and is completely in his head. I am physically attending class, but I am completely elsewhere in my head. I could never really focus on what people where talking about for a long period of time because I got caught up in my head so hard.

It wasnt that I was shy, it wasnt that I had no friends or was an outsider. I was/am simply very introverted. I think a lot about how things are, what im going to do. I constantly daydream.

I kind of enjoy these moments sometimes because its so peacefull in my own mind. But there is a huge sideeffect that to this day I suffer from and feel the aftermaths from years before.

I think it was due to my introversion (Which is also a part of why im so competitively obsessed) that I developed a social anxiety. I was always so in my head that I didnt really communicate much with the outside world. Yes, I had my friends, but I was never talking to anyone else. I was not comfortable with talking to anyone that I did not know and I was never doing things alone. I was scared shitless of teachers for so long, I dont even know why.

Because I was so introverted, I missed so many things in life. All the things people talk about that "one is supposed to know", all the things that are seen as "general knowledge", I completely missed that shit. I was so in my head when I was not doing my "passion activity" (most times thinking about it), that I was completely ignoring what went on around me.

I also remember how so many teachers hated me guts. I think it was because they felt I was an ignorant asshole. I never "gave a shit" about what was going on. Thats not really true tho, I just could not keep up my attention as other kids could. I was so instantly hooked on my own thoughts that I missed so much from what was said, from what was going on. It seemed like im just disinterested.

And all that time that I was not at school or some other event that I was forced to go to, I would be doing my activity, my passion. I never had time to think about anything else, I never did care about anything else. I forgot about whatever else there was and focused solely on that one thing.

Yes, I got good at what I was doing, but at the same time I lack in so many things in life. Im so unadept in so many things in life because im not used to doing it. I feel so awkward in so many "normal" situations because I feel so stressed out, not being used to doing "normal things". My mind was always so focused on what I wanted to do at the time, that I just never learned a lot of the things that "normal people do".

To this day, I still lack a lot in general knowledge for example. You can ask me the simplest of things and I cant tell you, because I was always so much in my own head, thinking about myself and only about my own craft, never cared about anything else.

You will probably laugh at me now, because im 20 and "should know", but im going to be honest here. A year ago I did not even know where the biggest countries in the world were on the atlas. I knew where germany was and where the US was, that was it. "Thats very sad" you will probably say now. And yes, it kind of is. But its because nobody seems to understand how it truely is to be like this. To be so in your head that you dont ever realize whats going on around you.

People think im "stupid" because I dont know some of the shit that seems to be so generally known. I dont even know what to say to them because they will never understand how I am different from them.

These past months I have worked a bit on my lack of knowledge and shit. I worked through a lot of my knowledge-lacks and what I miss from the outside-world. I still suck at so many things, one can only imagine how much you miss when youre constantly in your head for years.

However, because I want to live an extraordinary life and I think to do that you have to Understand the world around you. For me it does not come easy tho. It is an active process. I really have to force myself to give the outside world more attention. Otherwise, I fall back into the habit of ignoring everything around me, totally being in my head.

Additionally to missing a lot of things that were going on in the meanwhile, whilst I was comletely in my head and focused on my competitive fix, there was another downside.

Like I said, I identified with my passion. The instant I started doing something, I got so hooked, I made the decision of being the best at it. I remember when I started doing fighting-sports. I wanted to become the world-champion (yes, it sounds kind of ridiculous i know), so I trained so so hard. There were basically 2 lessons. The first hour would almost kill you already because it was just incredibly exhausting.

There was so much excercising going on that I have never felt this exhausted in my life before. The 2nd lesson was sometimes more focused on technique, other times even harder in terms of excercising because the guys that went to the 2nd lesson were often more advanced.

Nobody would go to both lessons as It was almost crazy to put your body through this much pain. I remember i forced myself after a while to almost always go through both lessons plus additionally doing pushups. I was so sore that I trained until the point where I broke down and couldnt do a single pushup anymore.

After that, I would go home and practice all techniques, oftern for hours. I would stand in front of the mirror perfecting the punches, stretching my legs, practicing my kicks and so on. Then i would go on, watching videos of professionals, studying movements and practice my stuff over and over. I would do that pretty much every time I went to training, which at one point was like 4 times a week. ( You really couldnt get any more than this because of your muscles )

After some months, I was one of the best. I wasnt "black belt" level for sure, but I surpassed people that have been training for years and years. My trainers told me that I was "an incredible talent of nature", but to be honest Im not. I am just like everyone else, with the small difference that I work my ass off, if i want something. I am neither hyper-talented, nor super smart. But I rather die than be the 2nd best. I never could understand that anyone could be as good as me if he started out at the same time. Because I would always do more, try harder.

I got kind of used to winning and being pretty damn good at something very quickly when I was younger. But I paid my price for it. Thats why that was an expectation. The real competition, the real fight was never against anyone else, it was against myself. I expected to be the best. For me, that was my foundation.

This was just something that I expected, because I was trying so hard. Because I was doing my everything for it. I was sacrificing so much for it and at some point in my life I realized that I was doing that. Just for being better.

After all that I have told you so far, can you imagine how it is to fail? To lose? To fuck up? To not be the best? If you are similar to me, you will know that failure is the worst thing you could ever feel as a person like this. Its your identity, your person failing. Youre not failing at a task, you, who you are - is failing. Why? Because I am so incredibly investing, sacraficing, that this is who I am. This is my life. And if im not good at this one thing, what good am I?

Being hyper competitive can be nice. But you can never have fun unless youre winning. I cant describe how many times I have cried, raged, fallen in such deep self-hatred through losing that i even got suicidal thoughts. I just felt like a worthless piece of shit when I lost. I get so incredibly angry and disappointed because it is not some skill that Im missing, its literally me not being enough, because I already invest my 100%.

This is why i get absolutely crazy when things dont go my way. Why I get so incredibly frustrated when I fail in starcraft or anything else. Some of you that read this will know my stream and will know me in that way. Maybe now, youre a bit closer to understanding who I am.

This also explains why "shock is not playing LoL" or anything else. I couldnt start a game without trying to be my absolute best at it. There is no way I will ever commit myself to doing it. Having fun for me is being good. If I was to play "league of legends a bit" I would try to research the shit out of the game and tryhard to become my best at it. I will never be able to just let go and enjoy something competitive. I cant be casual, and you know what? Thats okay.

This is who I am. This is who I have to be. I would never be anyone else, and I dont want to be anyone else. I lack in so many things, I am weak in so many things but im incredibly good at other stuff. You cant tell me to "care less and just enjoy" because thats not who I am. You dont understand how I work if you think its that easy. I dont decide this, this is just me.



Thanks for reading,
ShoCk.

***
NaNiwa l facebook/shocksc2 l @shocksc2 l twitch.tv/shocksc2 l Grandmaster Protoss Player
MisterKatosS
Profile Blog Joined November 2002
France352 Posts
March 28 2015 12:20 GMT
#2
Interesting read, I know two peoples that have such a passionate personality, and that are extremly competitive with there passions. One thing to note is that they kept changing activities once they got pretty good at it, and they continued that up to their mid-thirties...

This is not turning out well: they are both getting nowhere in life and getting really depressed about it.. So I'd advise you to be carefull: if I were you I would not try to change myself (you seem beyond saving :D ), but I would try to use this incredible drive to build something solid with it and not destroying everything by changing every two years (especialy as learning get harder as you get older)
My web development company website : http://www.make-me-a-website.net My Youtube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/MrKatoss
excitedBear
Profile Joined March 2015
Austria120 Posts
March 28 2015 12:33 GMT
#3
The way I see it is that you have two options:
- Get more and more depressed about your state
- Embrace the way you are and leverage it into something useful

Many people would love to have that kind of determination that you have.
You are comparing yourself to others that are clearly not at your level.
You are basically lowering yourself to better fit into society, which in turn will only make you unhappy.

The situation is similar to people with high IQs. Since there are so few peers with equally high intelligence, they have a tendency to feel isolated. Normal people are like puppets to them, they only interact with them out of courtesy.

The key is to embrace the way you are, because you are gonna be the same for the rest of your life.
ShoCkSC2
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
Germany340 Posts
March 28 2015 13:11 GMT
#4
@MisterKatosS:
Interesting to hear about youre relatives/friends(?) stories. I agree, changing up what Im working towards on a regular basis is probably not the best road towards happiness. I need to channel my energy towards something that helps me more on the longterm, which is actually why I started getting into personal development. I currently try to take life a bit more serious in it self, see where I can improve my life, control of emotions, getting good at socializing etc. There is a lot of skills in life in itself that one can master. That could be my ultimate road, mastering life. So far, I love what Ive been learning.

@excitedBear:
I agree, depression is definitely something that can come out of being too attached. Maybe my blog had the wrong tone tho as Im not unhappy at all. Right now, Im incredibly happy with my life. I am just trying to give people a different perspective. There is some people that cant really relate to a strong drive like this and that would tell me over and over again to just "chill" and "let go". I wrote this to make some of them understand more clearly what its like from my position.

I love my competitive drive and having a high standart. When I challenge myself in these moments, i am in complete flow with the task, everything else seems to just fade away and im completely 100% with what I am doing. Thats a great feeling and is absolutely amazing to experience. Just yesteday in gym I had a moment, I trained to my absolute limits, I felt sick in my stomach, my muscles were soar, I was totally exhausted but I went on and reached an interesting point. I was suddenly experiencing a lot of positive emotion, I was overwhelmed,happy,satisfied and essentially proud. After that followed a couple of minutes where I had unlimited energy, it was really weird. Like I had a refill of energy, even tho I was really exhausted I suddenly had this moment of immortality.

I accept myself the way that I am. It does not matter what other people think of me. I might not have the greatest of general knowledge or general skillsets but im damn fucking good at what im doing. I accept myself in the way that I am.

In fact I believe that one of the most important things in life is to learn to love one self. The true key to self confidence, authenticity and independence.



NaNiwa l facebook/shocksc2 l @shocksc2 l twitch.tv/shocksc2 l Grandmaster Protoss Player
HaRuHi
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
1220 Posts
March 28 2015 14:42 GMT
#5
Why did you quit soccer? Why did you quit skating? Why did you quit becoming the MMA-world champion? Have you quit becoming the best sc2 player there ever was aswell?
-Not judging, genuine curiosity as it didn't became clear for me from your blog, do you know the answer?
Saechiis
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
Netherlands4989 Posts
Last Edited: 2015-03-28 15:48:33
March 28 2015 15:47 GMT
#6
I regconise the all encompassing obsession with particular activities. I've went from football to juggling to school to Starcraft 2 to Dota 2 to Hearthstone wanting to be the best in all of them. Don't want to be Mr internet psychologist here, but the obsessive behavior could partially be explained by Aspergers (as it is in me). My life experience is eerily similar to yours (I'm 25 and just starting to attend uni again), you might want to look into that if it interest you.
I think esports is pretty nice.
Daswollvieh
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
5553 Posts
March 28 2015 16:04 GMT
#7
Time to work on frustration tolerance. 0_0
darkscream
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada2310 Posts
March 29 2015 18:55 GMT
#8
+ Show Spoiler +
I just felt like a worthless piece of shit when I lost. I get so incredibly angry and disappointed because it is not some skill that Im missing, its literally me not being enough, because I already invest my 100%.


thats why starcraft is hard in general... no one to credit for your success and failure but you. tough pill to swallow, certainly.

The thing is, you can always get better at something, the skill ceiling on so many things is infinite. I try not to worry about getting #1 at one thing, I try to make the sum of my parts so valued that I feel awesome with everything I can do. The cross-benefits of multiple skills starts to outweigh the gains you make on a single thing, there is a diminishing return..

as for the pain of loss, well, we all feel that sometimes. Just remember that losing teaches you more than winning!
ShoCkSC2
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
Germany340 Posts
March 29 2015 23:12 GMT
#9
@Haruhi: I dont know the answer to that, I guess sometimes things just change, you move on. I quit fighting sports for example because I was finishing school so my time was limited, I had to make more free time at that point and after that I discovered new things (Starcraft).

I dont see it in a bad light tho, for as long as Im having fun crafting on my hobbies I dont have to reach a level of mastery or follow through my entire life, I just want to be my best for as long as I am doing what I am following through with.

I think I have a strong love for learning, I just love the learning process, identifying weaknesses and making them my strenghts. Thats why I tend to develop myself in different areas once I am quite satisfied with the level that I reached or I got bored of whatever I was doing. I grow older and get interest in different things I guess.

@Saechiis: I actually thought a lot about it. I sometimes had the feeling to that I might have such issues. I read a lot about autism/aspergers, some of the symptoms I definitely do reflect. Such as having a very strong pattern of how I do things and rarely getting off track, having things planned out extremely detailed beforehand doing something, the obsessiveness with some of the things that I am doing. Especially when I was younger I felt really shy/bad with interacting with people (however, Im working very hard on that since quite some time so I got pretty damn good at socializing).

That being said, it has been on my mind but I never really had any deep issues reading into other peoples minds or anything like that. I did some tests here and there (online, so yes thats obviously not the best sources) and didnt score very highly on them either. I feel pretty normal and content so even if someone was to tell me i wasnt "okay" what would really change? I love myself the way I am and I have no issues what so ever with what and who I am right now, so I wouldnt want to think too much into it tbh.

@darkscream: I try to be my best at everything that Im doing. Thats my true goal. All I want is to do my best at all times. I dont care if there is people out there that are more talented or smarter than me. If i can be my best version thats all I can do. If i can do that, I am satisfied. I dont need any more satisfaction than that.

I want to be #1 at everything, because why have realistic goals?
And yes, you are absolutely right. The moments we lose teach us much more about life and our craft than any moment of winning. Its something that I can logically/rationally understand but Im not very good at progressing (emotionally). Im working on it and Im getting better at it tho, another thing that one can try to be come good at.



NaNiwa l facebook/shocksc2 l @shocksc2 l twitch.tv/shocksc2 l Grandmaster Protoss Player
HaRuHi
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
1220 Posts
March 30 2015 10:00 GMT
#10
This sounds like a healthy attitude. Thanks man!
Mongoose
Profile Blog Joined June 2011
United Kingdom190 Posts
Last Edited: 2015-03-30 12:42:54
March 30 2015 12:42 GMT
#11
The problem is when you focus all your energy on your hobby (like starcraft) and forget to do things that actually matter (like studying/getting a job etc).

I too play a lot of games but I never thought that I want to be #1 at it. I think that the way to improving is to just enjoy the game more and be happy with learning more than winning. The players that constantly learn and are able to adapt their style more are the best.
Master league EU Terran
ShoCkSC2
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
Germany340 Posts
March 30 2015 21:59 GMT
#12
I agree mongoose, getting too involved is a big issue. However, I was kind of always like that. I could never let go and got extremely absorbed in what I was doing.

That's actually another reason why I'm stepping back from starcraft bit at the moment. I love the game but I just recently started going to college and being good there is like one of my main goals right now, so I'm shifting my focus.
NaNiwa l facebook/shocksc2 l @shocksc2 l twitch.tv/shocksc2 l Grandmaster Protoss Player
SnailR
Profile Joined March 2015
1 Post
Last Edited: 2015-03-31 03:54:00
March 31 2015 03:39 GMT
#13
Reading all of that reminds me of my past self a little bit, but my "passion" (well we could call it an obsession at that point) was not about sports.
It was about getting the girls fall in love with me, that was my goal in life.

Before 13 I was just a "normal" person I guess, except that I would lie a lot, tell fake stories and try my best to make people believe them, children could believe anything anyway.
I guess I wanted to be the center of attention, I wanted to be THE popular guy in his class and in the entire school.
I was a bit curious about girls but I didn't really approach them.

After 13 I began to really interest myself in girls, at one point I was willing to do ANYTHING to look good in front of my prey.
All I was thinking, all the time, was how I was gonna approach the next girl, or improve the flirting/relationship with the current girls.
I would speak with people mostly to get some intell about girls when I wasn't in "attack mode".
At first, when I succeeded to be in a "love" relationship with a girl, I'd break the relationship after one or two weeks while still flirting with other girls.

At one point I even did try to flirt with the younger teacher (she was like 24) and other young adults but it was mostly just practice and fun really.

It was not easy to continue hunting girls after breaking up with some others girls, so I started to flirt with older and younger girls from other classes that didn't know a thing about me.

It didn't end very well, at 14~ I was kinda known to be "that bad guy who will deceive you".
Every time I'd fail, I'd be very mad at myself and think about my failures all the time and do my best so it can never happen again.
But this was the worst time of all, I'd be alone and had no opportunity to get friends back, even boys, I was so mad with myself, everyday I'd think about how I messed up and how this all happened.

Fortunately that period was kinda short because months later I would enter secondary school and be able to meet potentially a LOT of girls.

Once I entered that school I was already very good at lying and making it credible, I learned a lot from my past mistakes and experiences with girls.

I started flirting with only one girl in my class (to not make my clean reputation suffer, I had to play the long term goal and not mess up the whole 3 years).
It went well, but this time I didn't break the relationship, I would do my best to maintain it while building another one with another girl that my official gf couldn't know.
I was getting really good at hit, my flirting skills and my success rate were higher than ever before, I think my smile and my magnificent hair did a good part of the job.

At one point, in the second year, I had a love relationship with three different girls at the same time, two from school and one from my town that I met through a friend.
Do you know that feeling when you gamble, if you win and can gamble even more to double the gain at the risk of losing everything ? It was like that.
It felt really good, I was really happy about that, it was a real challenge to maintain the three relationships at the same time.
It was really time-consuming but thrilling, I'd be acting all the time, texting all the time and going to dates while keeping all the secrets, I was lying so much, it was really tricky to not be suspect but I was really good at it.

It went like that for 1-2 months and then I blew it during the summer holidays, I got greedy, I was too confident, until now I had manage all that stuff quite well so I thought it was easy for me to keep it up and I started doing mistakes.
I met several tourists girls and started flirting, I knew it was dangerous but I still did it, like the gambler-lover I am.

At one point one the gf from my town saw me on the beach with another girl and everything began to collapse.
I tried to recycle the relationship but I couldn't, I was very affected by that failure, I was so mad at myself and because of that I was not as cautious as before.
I guess I was too much suspect after that point, during a date with one of my gf from school, she took my phone while I was not watching and she read incriminatory messages, she understood that I lied to her almost everyday of the week for months.

She got crazy, she told everyone what I did.
After holidays, at school, she would even stalk me and go tell to the girls I was flirting with what I did.

Well, I kinda lost everything at that point but after some weeks of pain I could live with it, in the end I was proud of my achievements.
Plus, I wasn't alone, some boys in my class wanted me to teach them how to be a real hunter, I hesitated, then accepted.
For the first time I would share my years of work with someone and be my true self with others.

Now I am 21 years old and I don't have that hardcore obsessive goal of having multiple girls at one time anymore, well, a harem would be nice but it's not worth focusing every day of your life on that goal.

I guess at one point you just have to let it go and enjoy what you can enjoy, accept failures and be happy with your life no matter what happens.

(I play StarcraftII too by the way, no girls but good game)
ShoCkSC2
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
Germany340 Posts
Last Edited: 2015-09-08 13:29:32
September 08 2015 13:28 GMT
#14
Thats a great story to read and most definitely an interesting one SnailR, however I dont really think it fits what I was talking about that well. It kind of gets the same sort of "wanting to be the center / winner guy" but thats a pretty usual thing isnt it? Im not sure to what extend that was for you

Anyways, thanks for your share man
NaNiwa l facebook/shocksc2 l @shocksc2 l twitch.tv/shocksc2 l Grandmaster Protoss Player
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