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It has recently come to my attention that I am my own worst enemy.
But I met a man this weekend who may not be extremely well known in the entirety of eSports, but I could see that he was passionate about his work. He wasn't some guy who was paid an outrageous some of money for a few hours of broadcasting time over a weekend. I could see his frustration with some parts of the event that didn't turn out as ideal as he wanted to. A lot of people behind the scenes in eSports have negative opinions about me and I was surprised that someone in the somewhat compact World of Tanks community knew about this. He really is one of the few, the good, the clean, and the honest. Since I started venturing into eSports, I have made the acquaintance of some individuals who would say anything to make money. No names.
The bottom line is, what I have learned from this is that I need to make myself in to a person that people can like.
Lately a lot of things have happened to me. I have developed a health condition that is not fatal, but common to have, and can lead to other health complications later in life. At the moment I was diagnosed I thought to myself, "What if this was a condition that could have killed me that I developed instead?" I am not trying to blame this for me being salty lately as when I wrote my last two blogs, but it spoke volumes to me. I have to start eating healthier, exercising more, and just generally be less stressed. In general, just being happier and healthier will make living with this condition better, and I also really need to change my way of thinking. 
I have a beautiful girlfriend that supports me doing eSports. She even plays games with me, and I didn't have to explain my work to her when I first met her. I can't think of how many first dates I've had to explain that I teach English during the day, but at night I am a commentator / streamer. Some girls have no clue what that is. She is not one of those girls. Making it better, she wasn't some crazy fan girl that chased me around or liked every single status post I made on facebook. When she showed my stream to her friends, they said, "Oh that guy is BreAKer" (of course, referring to me by my Chinese name, 賓哥). When she came to watch the World of Tanks APAC Asia Season 3 finals, I asked the TeSL production crew to put the cameras on her. She didnt notice because she was playing with her cell phone. When I say that I've never felt this way about any other girl in my life, I mean it.
The event itself surpassed 2,000 concurrent viewers on the English stream on day 2 which is actually much much more than I was expecting, as the regular number of viewers we would obtain for the English stream during the ordinary season would be anywhere from 200-300 concurrent viewers.
Me and her together:
+ Show Spoiler +(Yes these glasses are fake, they don't have any form of lens in them. It's a fashion statement here in Asia). ![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/6swosC8.png)
The reasons why I was angry was for the longest time I wanted to avoid teaching English in Taiwan, if it was at all possible. But the longer I stayed here, the more and more obvious it became that I was going to have to do this. It was a cold and stark reminder that I am not where I want to be in life at the time, but now I've come to expect it. I was tired of being hungry.
TL;DR - Health issues (not fatal by any means) made me stressed, I met a man who didn't feed me lies, I have a beautiful girlfriend, I'm going to spend the year 2015 making my life in general better.
EDIT: This will be my last blog of the year on teamliquid unless I can do something that is truly productive. As one user said below, this is only inviting negative comments. I have broken myself and i need to be fixed.
  
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Did you know this guy has a beautiful girlfriend? I sure didnt from the 1032453464357345345 times he's mentioned it in his blogs.
Cringeworthy shit as usual.
User was banned for this post.
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Though sometimes cringey, I'd be sad if you stopped
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The point you should understand is that these sorts of blogs are not productive. I read your last blog and it's possible that many of your points have some basis in reality but a) it's not worth dwelling over b) you're inviting the worst sort of reactions by talking about it on a forum. It's normal to feel disappointment and even a little resentment when you fail, and, contrary to what some people would have you believe, you don't have to take every failure as a personal indictment of your life. When you air that disappointment and resentment on a forum, however, some people are going to see nothing but excuse-making. The trick is to just move on without a word. It sounds like you put in some good work in a niche area. Appreciate that work and move on.
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Public opinion is but a weak tyrant compared to private opinion.
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Maybe, but humans in groups have the power to influence each other.
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Fake glasses I just dont get it
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Lalalaland34486 Posts
Wait are you saying those glasses don't at least have fake lenses in them?
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Canada11355 Posts
Any blog that feeds the ban list is a good blog to me 5/5
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that is a beautiful girlfriend. i'll cut you out and save the picture to my hd.
User was warned for this post
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Go Breaker! <3 Glad you're finding happiness with your g/f and with some parts of your life. I gotta say just fuck the naysayers, don't worry about inviting criticism or whatever. In the future if you just posted update blogs about what you've been up to and whatnot I'm sure it would be much better.
In the end i'd say a good amount of the people that are so critical of you are just jealous. You're out there in the world trying to live your dream, and you're actually doing some amazing things that they never would have the stones to do. Shit you went to the other side of the world how many times? Did you move out there now? or are you doing one of those teach English for a year, then see how it goes type of things? either way i think it's really cool man.
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Wow Breaker, you're just as cute as your girlfriend! No joke.
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On March 09 2015 08:37 Ryuhou)aS( wrote:
Go Breaker! <3 Glad you're finding happiness with your g/f and with some parts of your life. I gotta say just fuck the naysayers, don't worry about inviting criticism or whatever. In the future if you just posted update blogs about what you've been up to and whatnot I'm sure it would be much better.
In the end i'd say a good amount of the people that are so critical of you are just jealous. You're out there in the world trying to live your dream, and you're actually doing some amazing things that they never would have the stones to do. Shit you went to the other side of the world how many times? Did you move out there now? or are you doing one of those teach English for a year, then see how it goes type of things? either way i think it's really cool man.
Here is the problem: Right now my success is very moderate. I'd say somewhere around half of all foreigners living in China, Japan, Korea, and Taiwan live here as ESL teachers because they haven't fullfilled residency requirements to do the jobs they are passionate about full time.
In reality, there is nothing to be jealous of, Ryu. The real problem is I've been angry the last two blogs because this is my status quo: I have to teach English. I have exhausted every route to residing here in Taiwan, but I am required to teach English to stay here. My relevant work experience and educational background mean nothing because this is education that I obtained outside of Taiwan. This is another thing that caused me to be angry and just need a venue to vent. The good news is I have been teaching English for almost a year now, so after one more year of doing this I can have any job I want to in Taiwan.
This is a job which has many stigma attached to it: "Oh this guy came here because he couldn't find a job in America." "This guy spends all of his money on alcohol at night." "He probably chases girls left and right and goes to night clubs every other night." Adding to that, everything I worked for since august 2012 was thrown out the window and time I could commit to eSports in Taiwan was taken away from me. So I mean, this is one of those things that frustrates me from time to time.
On March 09 2015 04:30 Firebolt145 wrote:
Wait are you saying those glasses don't at least have fake lenses in them?
Correct.
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On March 09 2015 12:13 BreAKerTV wrote:Show nested quote +On March 09 2015 08:37 Ryuhou)aS( wrote:
Go Breaker! <3 Glad you're finding happiness with your g/f and with some parts of your life. I gotta say just fuck the naysayers, don't worry about inviting criticism or whatever. In the future if you just posted update blogs about what you've been up to and whatnot I'm sure it would be much better.
In the end i'd say a good amount of the people that are so critical of you are just jealous. You're out there in the world trying to live your dream, and you're actually doing some amazing things that they never would have the stones to do. Shit you went to the other side of the world how many times? Did you move out there now? or are you doing one of those teach English for a year, then see how it goes type of things? either way i think it's really cool man. Here is the problem: Right now my success is very moderate. I'd say somewhere around half of all foreigners living in China, Japan, Korea, and Taiwan live here as ESL teachers because they haven't fullfilled residency requirements to do the jobs they are passionate about full time. In reality, there is nothing to be jealous of, Ryu. The real problem is I've been angry the last two blogs because this is my status quo: I have to teach English. I have exhausted every route to residing here in Taiwan, but I am required to teach English to stay here. My relevant work experience and educational background mean nothing because this is education that I obtained outside of Taiwan. This is another thing that caused me to be angry and just need a venue to vent. The good news is I have been teaching English for almost a year now, so after one more year of doing this I can have any job I want to in Taiwan. This is a job which has many stigma attached to it: "Oh this guy came here because he couldn't find a job in America." "This guy spends all of his money on alcohol at night." "He probably chases girls left and right and goes to night clubs every other night." Adding to that, everything I worked for since august 2012 was thrown out the window and time I could commit to eSports in Taiwan was taken away from me. So I mean, this is one of those things that frustrates me from time to time.
Hmm That's very interesting to me. I mean, my whole goal right now is to get my degree(s) and find an ESL teaching job in Japan. I never realized all the negative connotations connected to the job. Or that a lot of the people doing that are actually just using it as a stepping stone. (i mean shit, that's my "i crossed the river" goal and everything i'm doing right now are my stepping stones...)
Still, if you have to teach English to stay there, then that's what ya gotta do. It's one of those things where you may not necessarily enjoy it, but it's necessary for the future plans you have.
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On March 09 2015 08:37 Ryuhou)aS( wrote:
Go Breaker! <3 Glad you're finding happiness with your g/f and with some parts of your life. I gotta say just fuck the naysayers, don't worry about inviting criticism or whatever. In the future if you just posted update blogs about what you've been up to and whatnot I'm sure it would be much better.
[...]
No, don't do the bolded part! Read through the shit and the good stuff, then decide on your own what actually is solid, constructive criticism. Of course you shouldn't care about "fuck you get out" guys, but you're too long in the public to not do that I guess.
Reading through your last post, breaker, I somehow got the impression that you are totally unsatisfied with your life and the public perception that people have of you as a person. Well, how you deal with that is completely your problem - but I would stop doing blogs as long as you're unsatisfied, because the internet really sucks for such a thing.
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United States13896 Posts
I'm sorry to hear you feel broken. How are you planning on getting exercise?
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United States13896 Posts
On March 09 2015 01:38 Jerubaal wrote:
The point you should understand is that these sorts of blogs are not productive. I read your last blog and it's possible that many of your points have some basis in reality but a) it's not worth dwelling over b) you're inviting the worst sort of reactions by talking about it on a forum. It's normal to feel disappointment and even a little resentment when you fail, and, contrary to what some people would have you believe, you don't have to take every failure as a personal indictment of your life. When you air that disappointment and resentment on a forum, however, some people are going to see nothing but excuse-making. The trick is to just move on without a word. It sounds like you put in some good work in a niche area. Appreciate that work and move on.
This is great advice.
You want respect within the eSports community? Don't air your personal issues within the community. One-on-one, people here might agree, and connect with you. But this is not one-on-one communication. This is mass-communication. When you attack people and use mass communication as a tool, you look bad to everyone within this community, not just the people you attacked. This goes for most social interaction in my experience.
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United States13896 Posts
I only resort to attacking someone if it is clear they are harming others.
If I talk about someone "only being in it for the money" with no other information included, I'm just going to alienate myself. That person is putting in work. They are being compensated. It's a fair exchange and I have no reason to complain.
If that person was embezzling funds or stealing something that is not theirs, then I might have reason to air these things publicly. Depending on the scale of the abuse, going straight to the public is warranted, because they are stealing and harming others.
I haven't read many of your blogs but you sound alienated. I don't want anyone to feel alienated within this community which helped me so much. Especially someone who has as much passion as you clearly do. I hope some of this resonates with you. I hope you can use some of it and find some happiness in this community again.
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On March 10 2015 04:42 p4NDemik wrote:
I only resort to attacking someone if it is clear they are harming others.
If I talk about someone "only being in it for the money" with no other information included, I'm just going to alienate myself. That person is putting in work. They are being compensated. It's a fair exchange and I have no reason to complain.
If that person was embezzling funds or stealing something that is not theirs, then I might have reason to air these things publicly. Depending on the scale of the abuse, going straight to the public is warranted, because they are stealing and harming others.
I haven't read many of your blogs but you sound alienated. I don't want anyone to feel alienated within this community which helped me so much. Especially someone who has as much passion as you clearly do. I hope some of this resonates with you. I hope you can use some of it and find some happiness in this community again.
Thank you very much.
The man I was talking about in this blog, I believe every word that came out of his mouth because his job responsibilities contracted to him dictated that casting Wargaming content was one of them. What I mean to say is, "He stood to gain nothing for telling me everything that he knew, teaching me tricks of the trade, and showing me how to love his work." On top of that, he made the event a real success.
So, my plans for the year of 2015 mean repairing the damage that I have done to myself since arriving here one year ago, as well as improving my stream quality, and content production. The game that I am most looking forward to for 2015 is Overwatch.
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EPT
