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I hate losing. It has always been that way.
The first game I played online was Dota. Version 1.85b or something a long those lines, that was around 2001/02/03 i honestly have no idea when exactly.
It was complete shit. Playing on a terrible connection where I had to pay per minute online, getting flamed (yeh that was already a thing), awefully imbalanced heroes and of course lots of terrible players. As the years went by I played so much DotA with friends and online companions that I got pretty good, I played with a lot of the people who are now pros and people who have been competing in TIs. That was many many years ago.
I always knew I couldnt do that. The pressure of your mates in important matches was too much for me, even in scrims. The feeling of losing an important game hurts deep inside. Its a void that is filled with regret and self-loathing.
I watched a lot of broodwar on gomtv (shoutout to nick and lilsusie) and on esltv (shoutout to stoned and uli, also sonic and take later on). I always envisioned myself playing on those KotH against Nony or Red and actually getting known for what I always thought to be true:
To be a very good gamer.
It was tough. I couldnt deal with playing broodwar online, the losses destroyed me and made me shutdown my pc. I wasnt angry, I never destroyed anything after a loss, I just got sad and lost all motivation to ever play that game again. So I stopped playing broodwar and stuck with spectating, calling out wrong moves and telling myself that if I put in the time I could be as good as those guys.
Sc2 came along and I went something like 12-2 on the ladder in beta before stopping to play ladder. I only played casual because I was so afraid of losing. The near thought of falling down the ladder, destroying my win / loss ratio really killed the fun for me.
Same thing with Dota2, after a long break I started trying it , only to get hit by the wall that was the hate of losing. Its funny how much more I hated losing now that I could keep track of my wins/losses.
So currently Im playing Hearthstone. As I am writing my thesis to finish my engineering degree I do not find too much time to play. Nevertheless I made it to legend on EU multiple times, even playing my own deck one of the times. I enjoy playing HS in general and I feel a little proud of getting to legend with a high winrate and low number of games. However, I cannot say I enjoyed playing ranked to get to legend. It was a constant struggle of forcing myself not to close the laptop after a loss, continuing when Im on a win streak even if I was afraid of breaking it.
When I ended a session with a loss I was afraid of starting to lose more as soon as I started playing again.
When a session ended with a win I was afraid of dropping from that rank.
So I keep telling myself that I have a very good result/effort ratio and that I could compete with anyone if I put in the time. But I will probably never know because I cant put in the time, I just cant. I cant because Im afraid of losing and theres no reason for it and its pathetic and I know all that but I cant help it.
Happy 3k
  
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I'm the same, except I rage instead of getting sad, sometimes the human brain is stupid like that.
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Self expectations are a funny thing. It's not like anyone will ever look up your w/l ratio, but for some reason it still matters to us.
It's not pathetic, it's natural.
Happy 3K
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Canada28396 Posts
Wow, that describes very much how I feel when I lose in SC2. I really can never play more than 2 games a day. I hate watching replays and I never feel good after playing it. I just lose and lose because I don't practice. Progamer would be a dream for me, but it'll never happen. I can't even beat gold league players. And if you thought idra left games early, then you haven't seen me play. I sometimes just quit in the middle of a game for no reason because I can't handle it anymore. I completely understand OP
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Alot of people struggle with this. You sound like you've sort of accepted your fate but I'll still share my perspective for others who may read this who struggle with the same thing.
I got over it long ago (when I started playing broodwar alot years and years ago) by basically changing my mindset and thought process when I lost.
You have to sort of stop caring about the result of the game if that makes any sense. I actually disconnected myself so far that at times it bled over into very important matches, or led to long losing streaks on ladder which hurt me at times, but overall it allowed me to play 20-30+ games a day regardless of results which is what it takes to get to high masters/GM (for an average person)
You have to just realize that losing is no reflection on you personally, it's simply something that happens. Of course everyone goes on tilt or knows they play less than their ability, but one of the awesome things about starcraft is there is always room to improve, so you can actually play a great game and still lose but as long as you realize that you played very well (except for maybe a mistake here or there). Many times there are plenty of positive things to take away from a loss, you actually should be learning alot more from losses than wins, so losing more should help you improve, so you should almost "want" to lose as long as you continue playing to the best of your ability, it means you are growing as a player.
Also get a second account and play on that if you find you can't play on your main.
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thanks for the nice responses
@lookyfool i tried to tell me it doesnt matter, maybe i didnt do it correctly though, maybe someday i will stop caring
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I, too, am afraid of playing video games.
I am actually petitioning to have Ladder Anxiety added to the next edition of the DSM.
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This is exactly like me. I can be wrecking the ladder then I lose to an early pool and won't play for days.
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You sound like a competitive person who is just stuck on the "other" side of the competitive mentality, which is being afraid to lose. Don't be so hard on yourself. You'll open up more I'm sure. Just remember to keep humble and working hard 
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I'm similar to you, but I don't stop playing. I keep playing and break myself because I'm stupid and take it way too personal and just hate myself after a game I ''shouldn't lose''. You know how you make one big mistake in a zvt battle you die? When that happens, I leave, press play again while building up hatred towards myself. How could I be so stupid. I stop ''learning'' and just get angry. Keep working on it though. Reading good books like ''The Art of learning'' definitely help.
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I've had these problems aswell. I pretty much can't practice 1v1 anymore simply because of the fact that i just rage too much when i lose, because of this i can't climb the ladders anymore so im pretty much just stuck in platinum so i just play teamgames nowadays.
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EPT
