I hate losing. It has always been that way.
The first game I played online was Dota. Version 1.85b or something a long those lines, that was around 2001/02/03 i honestly have no idea when exactly.
It was complete shit. Playing on a terrible connection where I had to pay per minute online, getting flamed (yeh that was already a thing), awefully imbalanced heroes and of course lots of terrible players. As the years went by I played so much DotA with friends and online companions that I got pretty good, I played with a lot of the people who are now pros and people who have been competing in TIs. That was many many years ago.
I always knew I couldnt do that. The pressure of your mates in important matches was too much for me, even in scrims. The feeling of losing an important game hurts deep inside. Its a void that is filled with regret and self-loathing.
I watched a lot of broodwar on gomtv (shoutout to nick and lilsusie) and on esltv (shoutout to stoned and uli, also sonic and take later on). I always envisioned myself playing on those KotH against Nony or Red and actually getting known for what I always thought to be true:
To be a very good gamer.
It was tough. I couldnt deal with playing broodwar online, the losses destroyed me and made me shutdown my pc. I wasnt angry, I never destroyed anything after a loss, I just got sad and lost all motivation to ever play that game again. So I stopped playing broodwar and stuck with spectating, calling out wrong moves and telling myself that if I put in the time I could be as good as those guys.
Sc2 came along and I went something like 12-2 on the ladder in beta before stopping to play ladder. I only played casual because I was so afraid of losing. The near thought of falling down the ladder, destroying my win / loss ratio really killed the fun for me.
Same thing with Dota2, after a long break I started trying it , only to get hit by the wall that was the hate of losing. Its funny how much more I hated losing now that I could keep track of my wins/losses.
So currently Im playing Hearthstone. As I am writing my thesis to finish my engineering degree I do not find too much time to play. Nevertheless I made it to legend on EU multiple times, even playing my own deck one of the times. I enjoy playing HS in general and I feel a little proud of getting to legend with a high winrate and low number of games. However, I cannot say I enjoyed playing ranked to get to legend. It was a constant struggle of forcing myself not to close the laptop after a loss, continuing when Im on a win streak even if I was afraid of breaking it.
When I ended a session with a loss I was afraid of starting to lose more as soon as I started playing again.
When a session ended with a win I was afraid of dropping from that rank.
So I keep telling myself that I have a very good result/effort ratio and that I could compete with anyone if I put in the time. But I will probably never know because I cant put in the time, I just cant. I cant because Im afraid of losing and theres no reason for it and its pathetic and I know all that but I cant help it.