Everyone wants to change the world. Everyone wants to make a difference, to leave a positive contribution, so when they're gone, they will still be more than alive in the hearts of those whose lives they have touched.
Others simply go through life without any real meaning or purpose. They are lost from the day they are born, constantly indoctrinated by education and later profession, and are no wiser after having spent many decades on this planet.
Maybe the extent of their learning is how to better navigate social situations. Deep down there is the lingering fear...maybe I am truly worthless, useless, expendable. Maybe my existence does not matter as much as I seem to believe.
So I've been pushed through school where hopefully I take an interest in something and pursue it or otherwise do what's expected of me. I get a job where I am at the mercy of my employer and forced to do things his way. Or even if I get some degree of autonomy and freedom, I am led to believe that my actions have an impact on the organization and the larger world. When really I'm looking at the paycheck because if I don't do this job, someone else will. And taking pleasure in work makes things less monotonous which is an incentive to stay, but of course it's a personal benefit to you and no one else really cares.
I get money and spend some and invest some and save some. Then the cycle repeats itself. What's the point of having friends, to make life less painful or more enjoyable? Making conversation is a temporary escape from gray and dull life. I enjoy company on occasion but frequently feel exhausted after social occurrences. One could say this is a classic sign of an introvert and I would be inclined to agree.
Lately I've noticed, the only time I feel most "alive" is during raw emotional moments, episodes whether in films, television, or (rarely) real life that are so emotionally gripping and sentimentally powerful that I can't stop tears and can't prevent thinking about it for hours after the fact. Ever since I was a child, I have loved adventure and often pondered going on exciting journeys that I could imagine would thrill and invigorate me. But, as is usually the case, with age comes maturity and consequently a sense of practicality and pragmatism that is both shrewd and suffocating.
At the end of the day, who cares? Who am I tying to impress? Humans are primitive despite their technology and egos. We measure time in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. Our ancestors living in caves only cared about when the sun rose and set. I often think about time, how it's such an illusion. I'm not a physicist or a philosopher, but I think it would be neat to go back to 1977 when my father was the age I am right now.
I realize I'm not special when my best friend's father dies after suffering in silence for so long because he had lost the ability to speak for months before dying due to a stroke. I am deeply humbled when a 5 year old boy wants me to lift him up so he can touch the ceiling or tells me about how his father used to drink alcohol but stopped, and I can see in his eyes that he realizes his father wants to be there for his son, to see him grow and become a beautiful person. And I realize I'm not so special because this boy can see so much and think so much more than I would ever have given him credit for.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm only afraid of not living. I keep a photo of my parents smiling faces and whenever I think about doing anything, I wonder how they would react if they were right there beside me. People will say, oh you're so innocent and straightforward, that's fine with me. It took a lot of tragedy and self reflection for me to become this honest, I wasn't always like this. Like that 5 year old, who has yet to experience life, I too have yet to experience life. I was born many many years before he was, but that doesn't make me any smarter or more important of a person. So, you keep your attitude, I will keep mine.
I'm tired of running from the truth. In life there aren't always clear cut answers, but the key is in the understanding, in the thought process used to arrive at a certain answer. In other words it's like people say, the journey is more important than the destination. That's how I want to be. We are led to believe that life is a race where everyone can be winners, but in reality running that race will make everyone losers in the end. Reality is ambiguous and there isn't always only one answer.
I want to imagine what life is like for you and that other person. I want to hear other people's stories. I want to keep things simple because there are already enough complicated and twisted things in life. I want to smile, laugh, and cry for no reason at all, except that I can. And I want to be a person who can be completely impartial and see things the way they are, not how I wish they could be.
Lately I've noticed, the only time I feel most "alive" is during raw emotional moments, episodes whether in films, television, or (rarely) real life that are so emotionally gripping and sentimentally powerful that I can't stop tears and can't prevent thinking about it for hours after the fact. Ever since I was a child, I have loved adventure and often pondered going on exciting journeys that I could imagine would thrill and invigorate me. But, as is usually the case, with age comes maturity and consequently a sense of practicality and pragmatism that is both shrewd and suffocating.
I had the same thought process as you last year. I got totally bored working a retail job and woke up one morning and joined the army. It's not for everyone but i'm out of my boring life and gained some awesome medical skills (im a medic) and I leave for korea in 1 week! Life is what you make it, if you want some adventure go grab it.
Lately I've noticed, the only time I feel most "alive" is during raw emotional moments, episodes whether in films, television, or (rarely) real life that are so emotionally gripping and sentimentally powerful that I can't stop tears and can't prevent thinking about it for hours after the fact. Ever since I was a child, I have loved adventure and often pondered going on exciting journeys that I could imagine would thrill and invigorate me. But, as is usually the case, with age comes maturity and consequently a sense of practicality and pragmatism that is both shrewd and suffocating.
Lately I've noticed, the only time I feel most "alive" is during raw emotional moments, episodes whether in films, television, or (rarely) real life that are so emotionally gripping and sentimentally powerful that I can't stop tears and can't prevent thinking about it for hours after the fact. Ever since I was a child, I have loved adventure and often pondered going on exciting journeys that I could imagine would thrill and invigorate me. But, as is usually the case, with age comes maturity and consequently a sense of practicality and pragmatism that is both shrewd and suffocating.
Lately I've noticed, the only time I feel most "alive" is during raw emotional moments, episodes whether in films, television, or (rarely) real life that are so emotionally gripping and sentimentally powerful that I can't stop tears and can't prevent thinking about it for hours after the fact. Ever since I was a child, I have loved adventure and often pondered going on exciting journeys that I could imagine would thrill and invigorate me. But, as is usually the case, with age comes maturity and consequently a sense of practicality and pragmatism that is both shrewd and suffocating.
Lately I've noticed, the only time I feel most "alive" is during raw emotional moments, episodes whether in films, television, or (rarely) real life that are so emotionally gripping and sentimentally powerful that I can't stop tears and can't prevent thinking about it for hours after the fact. Ever since I was a child, I have loved adventure and often pondered going on exciting journeys that I could imagine would thrill and invigorate me. But, as is usually the case, with age comes maturity and consequently a sense of practicality and pragmatism that is both shrewd and suffocating.
EPT
