10 ways to NOT have the cable guy hate you

Holy shit. So many times I've had my customer answer their door and their dog jumps on me and won't get off and you just sit there and are like "Oh I hope you don't mind dogs." Well you know what? Yeah actually, I do have mild allergies to cat/dog fur and even if I didn't I don't enjoy being raped by your dog anyways. Sometimes I can call them beforehand and get them to put them away, but they often don't answer their phone/forget/don't care.

Also, kids. I've had toddlers literally just follow me around the whole time bugging me asking me to play and shit while I'm trying to get work done (piece rate work) and also had some jobs where the kids have literally sat there hitting me. Hey lady, do I need to verbally tell you that I don't enjoy being assaulted by your kids before you feel the need to do something?

Sometimes they restrain them, albeit temporarily, and then 10 minutes later the kid/dog is at it again. Or they'll be like "oh don't worry about him, he's friendly.' Bitch it doesn't matter, he's all up in my shit and I can't fucking work.

I've also been bitten by a dog twice (not very serious bites fortunately), so don't tell me to not worry because it's instinctive at this point.

When you put in the god damn order they ask you to give us a contact number for a reason. Often enough, I'll have jobs/addresses that don't show up in my GPS (I use Google Maps) so I need to call for directions, to let you know I'm going to be late, ask if I can come early, ask for more information that wasn't given in the order, remind you of bullet point #1 above, or something else that is detrimental to helping get you in service.

So when I need to get a hold of you for one of the above reasons and you don't leave a contact number or answer your phone or call me back when I leave a message, don't get angry with me/us when YOU gave me nothing to work with. Shit happens, and when/if it does you can't expect us to magically create a telepathic conversation with you.

I will call customers multiple times on all contact numbers given in the order, leave voicemails, and they will call me back 4 hours later after their appointment window is past and say "Oh hey can you come back to do our install? We went to the store." No, fuck that, you missed your appointment that YOU booked for that time and now I'm at home done work for the day, not happening.

When I do a job for a customer, I will leave them my business card so they can give me a call if they are having problems or something I did was wrong or anything within reason. I take my work cell home with me and charge it by my bed while sleeping (I'm often on-call for emergency jobs).

I've gotten calls late at night when I'm sleeping for stupid shit that can wait until the morning. Don't do that, I have a fucking life and when I'm off work I'm off work. Call within reasonable hours and if I don't answer the phone (I get days off like any regular person) leave a voicemail explaining what's up. Leave me info like your name, number, when I had a job for you and your address if possible along with the actual question because I get a million calls a day. Don't just say "dude, you installed my TV this week and it doesn't fucking work. call me back." Do you think that's the type of person I'm gonna call back? Show some respect.

I've also gotten calls from customers I had a year+ ago saying "Ummm... you installed my TV last January and I think the batteries for my remote died..." What the fuck? You think I'm a battery dispenser or some shit? Go to the fucking store and buy some more batteries then dumbass.

Me: Hey, do you know if there are any cable jacks/cable/coax lines upstairs anywhere?
Customer: What's that?
Me: You know... a cable/coax jack... that you would connect to from your TV with a coaxial/coax cable?
Customer: I don't understand.

WHAT THE FUCK. I CAN'T DUMB THAT DOWN. IT'S A CABLE JACK, ARE YOU STUPID?

Exact same thing happens with a telephone jack. IT'S WHAT YOU PLUG YOUR TELEPHONE INTO, HOW ELSE CAN I DESCRIBE IT??

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Also had countless jobs where I'm installing internet and I'm like "Okay, do you have any desktop computers or network printers or anything that needs to be wired directly to the modem/router? With an ethernet cable? Or just going to be using wireless? The modem's location depends on it."

Customer: Uhh... nope.

Me: Okay, I'll just put it in the main wiring panel in the closet then.

Half an hour later...

Customer: So why doesn't my computer's internet work?

WHAT THE FUCK. YOU SAID YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING THAT NEEDS TO BE HARD WIRED. YOU HAVE A FUCKING DESKTOP UPSTAIRS BRO. WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT?

You know, unless you actually do and have worked for my computer before and have way more experience than me.

I had a job last week where there was a repair for a customer's internet. He had 2 routers. My ISP's standard modem/router 2-in-1 and his own router. The problem was that his router wouldn't work when plugged into our modem/router combo.

Didn't take long to figure out it was because there was an IP conflict/routing loop because both routers were using the same IP subnet. Customer owned equipment and these kind of setups aren't even supported by us, so I could have just marked the job as done and left, but it's an easy fix so I'll fix it.

The whole time I'm explaining to him what the problem is he is basically saying I'm wrong and insisting I replace the modem and shit like that. I tell him "how about I fix it the way doing what I think the solution is and if it doesn't work then I'll replace the modem." Of course it's working after I change the 2nd router's IP subnet. Dude, I went to school for this shit, you don't know half the terminology you're throwing around. Trust me.

I leave and get a call from him this week saying the problem is back and it's because he fucked around with it some more and changed settings. He's insisting it's a problem with the ISP.

Also have had repair jobs where it is obviously the customers TV/phone/computer. Customers computers being infected by malware is probably the most common. Then they say "Oh the internet is super slow." No dude, your computer is a massive pile of shit and stacked to the roof with malware. That's not the internet that's slow...

But they insist. Sigh...

Finally done big 3-4 hour install...

Customer: Actually you know... I think it would be better to have the TV over there and then the modem downstairs.

WHAT THE FUCK. NO. I'M NOT REDOING EVERYTHING BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

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People who have tried to cancel at the last second when I'm finishing up. I get paid by the job. If I don't finish the job or you cancel I don't get paid. I just spent the last 3 hours in your house working, you can't just fucking cancel and shaft me.

Some people try to scam the company to get cheaper bills or whatever. I don't care if you try this as long as you don't involve me.

People have called in claiming that I charged them for work I didn't do, or that I stole or broke something of theirs and they demand reimbursement. Don't you fucking dare pull that shit on me (assuming it's not true of course). That is my motherfucking career you are fucking with and when you pull that shit to save $100 on your next bill that's enough to get me in super deep shit if you guy you speak to on the phone believes your bullshit. There are very serious investigations that occur even over something like $100.

I've had jobs that weren't doable because the order they gave me for your install wasn't done right or isn't provisioned and all sorts of things. These orders need to be sent back to another department to be re-provisioned before I can come out to do the install. After having such a job, I've called the customer to let them know the bad news and that it'll be a couple more days before the install can be done and people have called in to the ISP claiming I told them all sorts of bullshit reasons for not doing the job instead of what I told them.

Don't say I didn't show up when I did. Don't say I told you something that I didn't. Don't tell them I did something that I didn't.

If I have an install for an apartment building/condo that has an electrical room containing the cable/telephone lines I very likely need to get in there. When you put in an order the ISP tells you this, and you are supposed to ensure that either a) there is a lockbox that my ISP has keys to which then contain a key to the necessaray room, or b) there is someone on site who can let me in. Talk to the building manager

Don't just pretend that they didn't tell you that and that it will go away. If I come to your place and need to get in there to get you in service and can't you're shit out of luck because I physically cannot get you in service, and you've now fucked me because now I can't complete the job and don't get paid for it. Good job, way to go man.

Also, people think it's a great idea to put 500lbs book cases in front of power/cable/telephone outlets and somehow expect me to get access to it. Then they look at me and go "Hmmm.... yeah." So what the fuck do you expect me to do? I'm not breaking my back to do something you should have taken care of and are responsible for. You want service? Get me access to that shit. I'm not MacGyver dude.

Some of the work I do on a job ends up being billable. If I have to do something that is going to be billable I will let you know and get your permission.

Don't ask me to work for free though. Billable work is billable because it is something done outside of the included scope of work for the job. That means it's extra work for me to do, and thus takes me longer, which I need to get paid for.

I've had easily a dozen people say "Oh come on, it's not that long. It'll only take half an hour." Yeah? Add up all the times I'm expected to do half an hour of free work and there's multiple hours of work missing on my paycheck I don't get reimbursed for. Don't ask me to work for free. If it's a 5 minute thing I'll just do it because that doesn't even meet the minimum requirements for billing someone, but if I told you it's going to be billable it is, don't fucking beg me. Fuck you, you don't work for free, why should I?

Sometimes it's just people asking me to help with misc computer stuff and shit like that. I've also seen customers at the gym or grocery store before who ask me if I can help them with something. Again, I have a fucking life outside of work and am not planning on working for free just because you happened to remember my face from an install 6 months ago.

A lot of my job includes going under desks/tables/crawlspaces/attics/stuff like that. Some people are fucking gross. I'm not a massive neat-freak, but when I can't see where I'm fucking walking and it smells like shit in your house I'm not planning on staying long.

Clean up your shit. Sometimes literally. I have to work outside your house as well, and when your grass hasn't been cut in 4 years and there's 4 dogs shitting all over the back yard it's just despicable. I'm not doing my best work on a job where I have to cover my mouth and plug my nose because I'm getting the hell out of there as fast as I can. Have some fucking decency and take pride in your place. It doesn't need to be spotless, but give me a break.

Last week I asked to use a customers washroom as I was at his house half the day for a massive install and there's just a massive shit sitting in the toilet drowning in piss and toilet paper. Smells fucking great in here, you know? Thanks for the warm welcome buddy.