EPTPart 1
Part 2
After things did not go my way with Nina, I was surprisingly able to move on very quickly. This was a great relief to me that I could just remember all of the good times that had happened between us and not let my emotions drag me down.
I kept up with my schoolwork, my job, watching football (I support Swansea City and Barcelona), and playing Starcraft. I was skeptical that I would become attracted to another girl before graduation, but it happened. I think I will call this girl Catarina (I don't know; I like the name). I had known her since Freshman year but I did not have feelings for her until the end of Junior year. I put these feelings on hold because Nina's flirting made me think that she was interested in me. After things did not work out between Nina and I, the feelings for Catarina came back. Catarina was Indian, with cute mannerisms and a very nice sense of style (at least in my opinion). After I told her I liked her, she told me that she liked me in Freshman year but had moved on now. We spent some time together talking about life, love, and everything else. To top it all off, she kissed me on the cheek. Yet again, my mind went crazy: "OMG SHE KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK". To be honest, this looked like a sure sign of attraction, so I assumed that she was confused about her feelings. After another month or so of her being distant. I asked her what was wrong. She told me "I'm sorry, I was being nice to you because of what happened with Rémy". I asked to spend time with her but she told me she was "too busy" for the rest of the year.
The same exact feelings that I experienced with Rémy were coming back. Absolute anger and rage to hide the pain. I was falling into the cycle again, the same one which put me in a dark place for almost a year. It was terrifying and it affected my attitudes towards my hobbies and my studies. By the time AP tests (big tests at the end of the year for potential college credit) rolled around, I had discovered that you could be tired in more than one way. I learned that physical tiredness, mental tiredness (from studying), and emotional tiredness (from everything I had felt in high school) are all separate things and can drag you down if it happens. It did and if affected my AP grades (4/5 on Psychology, 2/5 on Spanish, and 2/5 on US Government (where 3 is a passing)).
What did I do? I fell back onto the same thing I had always done: Starcraft. I had been diamond for about a year and I started playing 20 games a day, constantly laddering because I simply wanted to play. I would play a game in the morning before school, and play from 3-11pm with the only interruptions being dinner and work. I did not want to think about the problems and the sadness and Starcraft was a way of dealing with it. I managed to make Masters' league in the beginning of June, one of my proudest video-game accomplishments ever (besides 100% in Burnout Paradise).
Eventually, I had a decision to make. Graduation was coming up and I would probably not see Catarina for a long time. Was I going to be bitter? We had been good friends for 4 years and it would have been a shame to see it enveloped in bitterness and sadness just because I was an idiot. I decided to just stop caring: about what Rémy did to me, about what Catarina did to me, about how I felt romantically about anyone. It was in the past and I needed to move on with my life, just like I was about to with graduation. Two days before the end of the school year, I sent a message to Catarina on Facebook:
+ Show Spoiler +
I find it funny that I keep on sending these long messages. It's starting to become a theme and I guess it's both a good and bad thing that this keeps happening.
I must admit that I kind of overreacted when you sent me that text saying that you were too busy to hang out for the rest of the year. I'm not entirely sure what you meant when you sent that, but I've gotten 2 messages similar to what you wrote in the past and I have not spoken to either of them since they sent them. I just came to the conclusion that you didn't want to talk to me and I was being really bipolar about it for about a week or so after it.
However, the more that I think about it, the more strongly I feel about one thing: it shouldn't end like this. We've been friends for way too long and we've supported each other for way too long to have it all end with us not on speaking terms.
I can tell that you still do care. You look at me like I looked at [Rémy] when I wanted so badly to talk to her. You see me when I'm walking on the second story of the B building and I can tell your eyes follow me when I walk down the stairs.
I'm sorry for being an idiot. I realize now that I literally made the same mistake with you as I did with [Rémy], a mistake that I promised myself I would never make again and one that stems from my lack of ability to read anything between the lines. I understand what you did. You needed to do it because it was uncomfortable and awkward and I had way too much faith in your desire to overcome that (I literally told my friend "If [Catarina] does that to me I just might not trust women ever again. Of course I was joking but still...).
Even if you don't want to talk to me, just go on through life knowing that I forgive you. I totally understand why you did what you did and you should not have any guilt if you never talk to me again. I'm just hoping that you can understand that I'm human and sometimes our emotions blind us to what's going on in reality. Thanks.
P.S. I never meant to give you any death stares. I'm just terrible with nonverbal communication and anything beats showing my true emotion.
I must admit that I kind of overreacted when you sent me that text saying that you were too busy to hang out for the rest of the year. I'm not entirely sure what you meant when you sent that, but I've gotten 2 messages similar to what you wrote in the past and I have not spoken to either of them since they sent them. I just came to the conclusion that you didn't want to talk to me and I was being really bipolar about it for about a week or so after it.
However, the more that I think about it, the more strongly I feel about one thing: it shouldn't end like this. We've been friends for way too long and we've supported each other for way too long to have it all end with us not on speaking terms.
I can tell that you still do care. You look at me like I looked at [Rémy] when I wanted so badly to talk to her. You see me when I'm walking on the second story of the B building and I can tell your eyes follow me when I walk down the stairs.
I'm sorry for being an idiot. I realize now that I literally made the same mistake with you as I did with [Rémy], a mistake that I promised myself I would never make again and one that stems from my lack of ability to read anything between the lines. I understand what you did. You needed to do it because it was uncomfortable and awkward and I had way too much faith in your desire to overcome that (I literally told my friend "If [Catarina] does that to me I just might not trust women ever again. Of course I was joking but still...).
Even if you don't want to talk to me, just go on through life knowing that I forgive you. I totally understand why you did what you did and you should not have any guilt if you never talk to me again. I'm just hoping that you can understand that I'm human and sometimes our emotions blind us to what's going on in reality. Thanks.
P.S. I never meant to give you any death stares. I'm just terrible with nonverbal communication and anything beats showing my true emotion.
We talked in person and she said a bunch of stuff that I can't really remember. It basically felt like the only reason she was going to forgive me was because she wouldn't have an opportunity later. We've only spoken a couple of times since then, and we will probably be on infrequent speaking terms.
Graduation came and went, and summer came. I had two very important conversations during the summer, so I will include them in here.
A couple of weeks after summer started, Gemma told me that she liked me in Freshman year and would have gone out with me, but she did not believe I liked her anymore and I had moved on to Lauren (which was due to the fact that I was unknowingly flirting with her). Also, in the middle of August, Nina told me that she liked me a year before I liked her. -Facepalm-
It made me wonder how different things would be if I could have picked up the signals: instead of all of this heartbreak, perhaps I could have had a different high school experience. I learned a lot of things however:
-Don't let relationships/rejections/anything get in the way of your happiness. Nothing can make you sad unless you let it. It's all about perspective. Find joy in life (that's what it's all about ^^)
-Try to pick up some indicators of interest, but don't drive yourself crazy looking for them. It's much better for everyone when people can relax and just simply interact with each other
-Forgive, but never forget the lessons people teach you
-You'll forget about what happened in high school in 5 years (I'm already forgetting some) so don't worry about what happens. No regrets!
I hope that you guys enjoyed my story. This wasn't meant to brag or ask for advice, it was just for the fun of writing. If you have any questions, I'd love to answer them (there's probably something I forgot to explain). Thank you if you've made it this far <3
