a summer in poems

Juliette

United States6003 Posts

August 14 2013 05:30 GMT

I meant to do this like 2 weeks ago. I started doing "poem of the days" at the behest of a friend. I thought i'd share, for the hell of it. I edited a few that needed editing, but most are as is. For critique, for a little insight into my life, to contribute something, whatever. You can totally skip reading them because I'm not very good, I'll have little stories under each one. ^_^.

(Oldest to newest)

Pros and Cons

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They are red and blue.
 I feel yellow.
Green or orange are 
my favorite colors, 
but mixing warm and cool
creates hurricanes.

I had some girl issues in a way. I was torn a little bit between one and another. I don't want to turn this into a girl blog, but I've been getting to know someone slowly, because we live in different parts of the country most of the year, but another friend (also from home) recently started showing interest. The latter is a year younger than me and was graduating, but the former worked in the same school. So when I visited, it got a little awkward hehe.

Detach
ment

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I don’t notice
the little things
that others do.

Not in the same
way, anyway.
I don’t see her
hypocrisy.

I see the crossed arms,
and hesitant voice.
Foot shuffling, eyes down.
Cries for attention,
fear of rejection.

I see the black hole
that asks to be found.

I was hanging out with my group of friends from back home, and we were discussing a pretty serious matter relating to one of them and how she always spent time with the girlfriend (she liked girls) of another girl. Personal things aside, I noticed that a lot of the things said, and especially the body language of everyone was very... Not confident. Afraid. No one wanted to ruin the cohesiveness of the group but it needed to be addressed. Prior to this, we were discussing our griefs over another friend of ours and I noticed mine were quite different.

Pictures

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I noticed her
tied by the wrists
to the wall.

Rope kept
her arms up.
Gravity brought
her body down.

I wondered
who else
thought of
Bernini or
Caravaggio.

I saw a cute/nsfw picture that really intrigued me. I don't particularly want to link it here (not that there was any nudity), but I don't know anyone else that would appreciate it really.

Mouth full of dicks

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I’ve gotten so used
to saying your name,
that I say it whenever
I call to someone.

If your name was a dick,
my mouth would be
full of them.

(Which isn’t
inherently bad).

I spent a lot of time with some people. Once, I accidentally called another friend by another name, because I was so used to saying it. Go figure, I had just the right phrase for it.

Auto-Horology

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I wait for 
the pirate,
 who adamantly
 searches for gold.

The crowbar user, 
or lockpick master.
 Not the fickle dragon, 
but the dragon slayer.

The princess seeker, 
that understands how 
dragons fall to heroes -  
swords of courage, not iron.

...To be honest I forgot the story behind this one. I think I bought Fallout New Vegas, but opened up Skyrim for trading cards or something. Then at night I had a look at myself. It probably has something to do with friends. This summer I spent a lot of time to myself (a good thing after a year of university) and looked at all the ways I changed. I wanted to sort through my friends - I've met enough people that I can't hope to get to know them all, and I want to invest my time (a person's most precious resource) in the ones that matter. Regardless of what this was supposed to mean, I want to invest time in the friends that matter. That know what they want and that you can help - because a true friend will raise up their friends instead of look for ways in which they can benefit.

When did I...?

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She
used to
bite her tongue
gently when she laughed.

These days I put mine
behind my upper teeth when my
lips open up to smile. How strange.

The girl thing from before (the more recent one) ended. Not badly, but we both agreed it was in our best interests that we should remain friends. Of course, this was after I took a while to decide that I wouldn't mind committing to something, only to figure out that she was over it. A good choice - she's a good woman. But it's better for both of us. I realized this summer that I had barely talked to one of my best friends from high school, and I had talked to her every day. I don't have the time, or the energy when you consider how much time and effort I'm investing in learning about myself, and learning to love what I find and how to cope with the negatives. Regardless, I thought of someone I had met in college.

.

A nice read

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One day I think
I will go and
vanish for a while.

I’ll take a plane
to some new place, and
tell my old life goodbye.

Leave a note
that says “don’t worry,
I still love you guys,

but I need to breathe,
be drunk on a beach,
with strangers at my side.”

I read one of those long tumblr posts about how to improve yourself or something, and it triggered a thought about how much alone time I end up needing. I'm a strange mix between introvert and extrovert - I love people, and I love getting to know them and spending time. But sometimes, I need my alone time, and the lows (energy lows) hit very hard. At the same time, things get monotonous sometimes. I find myself back in the same place a lot - right before bed, wondering how time had passed so quickly. A downside to getting older I suppose. Regardless, this is something I want to do one day - go away, go travel, go do something new and exciting and alone.

Fucking proposal videos

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You’re on your knees
begging to
some higher power,
"spare me please."

Your heart’s thumping,
and blurry vision,
leaves your
mind imagining.

Your soul’s on fire,
cheeks scarlet red,
you feel that pressure
rising higher.

You’re in this mess
until at last,
she gives the answer:
no or yes.

Did you know Youtube has a marriage proposal page? I couldn't find it, but here's a good substitute. My friend got engaged, and it was so fucking cute.

I don't see what you see

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I’m sorry that
I didn’t see
the way your eyes
sparkle at me.

Forgive me please,
I failed to see
the smiles you always
gave to me.

I was busy
with the sound
of your voice
going up and down.

I was worried
by the sound
of your sighs
when you were down.

This is something still kinda relevant today actually. Part of the influence was that girl thing, but really I've noticed that sometimes I'm very reserved. I went out to buy groceries and get some take out today, and I realized only after that I never actually smiled. I was very polite, my tone was happy, and I was having a good day. But my body language doesn't express it. It's the same sometimes with the way I view people. I see people differently (compared to my friends that I'm around when I'm home). Sometimes I'm too busy to notice how passive-aggressive someone is (this actually happened), because I'm instead noticing the details of how they're passive aggressive. I hear their voice being a little too joking, or notice that their volume is slightly too loud. Unfortunately, I don't register that they're actually being PA.

Thank you.

AiurZ

United States429 Posts

August 14 2013 06:22 GMT

i dont think that i like it when poems are like this typographically, mostly the center alignment thing but also i think the italics thing too

some things i thought:

this line "mixing warm and cool/ creates hurricanes" seems strange/interesting to think about because i think the activeness of the verb "mixing" sort of means or maybe implies an agent, like someone (or thing) is mostly "doing" the mixing, i think i understand what you are trying to mean in this (ie the metaphor of the hurricane) but i think that right now its a little ambiguous and i read it sort of as "god makes hurricanes" or something to that effect.

i think that the 3rd stanza in the 2nd poem is broken up in a strange way (grammatically), and that rather than what u have in "i see the crossed arms/ and hesitant voice" and then the end stop and then these strange floating fragments to just (if im reading this right and these are the things that u "see") float with the sentence altogether at the same time, i would get rid of the periods, probably get rid of that first "and", and have it be something like "i see the crossed arms/,the hesitant voice,/ the feet shuffling, the eyes down/" etc.

i also think that poem is funny because "i see the black hole that asks to be found" seems like a really sexual thing

3rd poem is interesting and there is a long tradition of this sort of thing in poems (something that ive been experimenting with/trying to experiment with is doing this these sorts of ekphrasis poems but rather than using art and that sort of thing to use stock photography, seems interesting, also playing around with transcripting videos etc. as a way of poetry), i think what is interesting about it is the spareness, the image seems somewhat christlike (i think u would invoke this any time conjuring an image of someone hanging by the wrists)

4th poem i think u run into tense or noun agreement issues or something, "if your mouth were a dick" is something singular and then "my mouth would be full of them" is a plural

the poem "when did i" presents itself typographically but i think in using this sort of "expanding" prosody that u ought to make some actual use of it, feels a little wasted/useless here, i think the concept is something like "a mouth opening up to smile/laugh" but i was confused by the image (first image seems strange to me) and also i think that any time u are trying to do something, consciously, via playing with form and this sort of "structural concept" that you have to be really good or its really easy for it to fall flat/seem "bad"

the proposal poem seems like a "puzzle" poem to me: sort of like a kind of riddle, like u read it and then you get to the end and say "oh i get it", like reading the punch line to one of the jokes on a popsicle stick or candy wrapper and then u put it away, i dont really feel like theres really any substance to it,

last poem i dont think that i like the way that it ends, it seems like a bad place to end with that weird echo to the 3rd stanza

obviously if u are writing a poem every day u arent really paying as much attention/working on them as much, thats ok, these are just mostly quick thoughts that i had when i read them as things to think about and sort of "interact with" as u continue yr journey of writing words.

Juliette

United States6003 Posts

August 14 2013 06:53 GMT

Haha what's cool is that a lot of your observations are very accurate. How some of it is kinda empty and written for the sale of having something written. A lot of the time the formatting/typography is a big part. I make a framework for myself and i do my best to put words into it. Hence the expanding one, a few are syllable based, or like the last one, i wanted to repeat words and have similar/mirrored lines.

The centering def messed with some formatting. Was intended for left align.

I appreciate the criticism ^^. Gives me a lot of insight for what i could also be looking at. Gives me a bit more for my writing process too. I do little post editing so once i write it it stays as is. Actually the only change i made was the "black hole" line you mentioned. Thanks

(As a side note the descriptions are probably more interesting for some people. And more current in terms of thoughts haha)

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