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A short preamble to begin:
I am a 17 y.o. high school senior and college app season is stressful. I am aware of that.
I am volunteering at some organization during the days. I hate volunteering and I hate the people with whom I will have to deal. I am aware that this too is stressful.
I'm not sure how to organize this, so I'll just go:
Physical pain
After a weight-lifting accident 2 years ago, I though that I had broken my back/shoulder/leg, so I went to see my doctor. He opened a binder and ran me through some tests, measured a few things, and, to my great surprise, told me that everything was fine, and that if I wanted to lift weights, there was no reason not to do so.
So after that, even though it hurt like hell, I lifted again, and again felt like I broke something. I continued to lift for a month or so until I could bear it no more and went to see my doctor again, and he gave me the same tests/response.
Because of this, I have had back/shoulder/leg pain for about two years and I have no way to ameliorate my situation. As far as I can tell, I won't ever get this fixed and I'll have to live with this pain for the rest of my life because doctors these days are too scared of malpractice charges to give any diagnoses. So that's part 1.
Part 2 is that about a year ago, my orthodontist fucked up an adjustment on my braces and one of my teeth has been extremely painful ever since then. During my next appointment, I told them about it, and they said that there was nothing wrong and that it should go away in time (it hasn't), and my dentist would be better suited to diagnose the pain.
So I went to see my dentist and he ran a bunch of tests to see what triggered the pain and what didn't. After completing the last test, he told me that he was not sure what was causing my pain and that if it doesn't get better in time, I should see him again. And about a month later, I went to see him again; he ran a bunch of tests (some same, some different) and again told me that he was not sure what was causing my pain.
I have had this pain for a year and again have no options to ameliorate this situation. Again, I doubt anyone will ever help me because they are scared of malpractice. And what sucks even more about this one is that my parents have had to pay (grudgingly) several thousand dollars to get my teeth straightened and to diagnose the pain and all to no avail. They think that I'm faking and they don't trust me with almost anything anymore. They constantly bring this up whenever I want to buy anything.
insomnia
It takes ages for me to fall asleep. Before I took sleeping pills, I spent 3-5 hours every night tossing and turning before I fell asleep. Now that I take sleeping pills, I spend maybe 1 hours every night tossing and turning, but this is getting longer and I fear that I may be developing a tolerance to the pills.
Education
I hate school. My GPA, SATs, Class choices have been alright but I doubt I will get into any good colleges because I have terrible ECs. I haven't done research, I haven't had an internship, I haven't had a job, and I haven't made a philanthropic contribution to the world (travel to Africa for example). Pretty much everything that I do to get into a good college, I hate. (not saying that I spend most of my time doing useful things, just saying that of the useful things that I do, I hate most). For example, the aforementioned volunteering is just doing tons of trivial jobs with a bunch of people who are rude, racist, and vain.
My parents have always stated that if I get into a top college, they'd be willing to help me pay for college, but I'll probably only get into a state school so I'll probably have to take loans and get a job for college (especially after the dental incident, they've been especially stringent about helping me to pay with college).
life
But apart from that, I'm still pretty sure that the rest of my life will be boring and meaningless. As I see it, I'll go to a state school (I have absolutely no idea what I'll major in), get a mindless job doing gruntwork for bosses who treat me like crap, pay my debt, buy a apartment and car, retire and die. So in the long run, I see no point in living.
In the short term, nothing is fun anymore. Whenever I play video games, I get headaches. I can't (or can barely) exercise because of the aforementioned pain, and I have had no friends pretty much since elementary school because no one has similar interest as those that I have (because I have pretty much no interests). Watching videos/movies is only enjoyable for short periods of time (~10-20 mins) so usually, I just spend my free time playing video games.
So pretty much I hate my life. This isn't something that I've felt in response to the recent stresses of college apps and volunteering (at least not completely). I've felt this way for a long time and actually seen my school psychologist for it, but my school psychologist is just some psychology student who is forced to spend time patients before he is allowed to practice by himself. He just gave me generic advice and didn't promise any privacy so I stopped seeing him.
Sometimes I think about blowing off my senior year and just trying to find something fun to do, and killing myself at the end of the next summer so I don't have to go to / pay for college. I have no idea what I'm doing and the only thing stopping me from killing myself is that I'm too scared to kill myself.
+ Show Spoiler +Writing this has been cathartic, but I still recognize that none of my problems have been solved by writing this. TL was pretty much the only place I thought to write this because it has a short privacy policy that I was willing to read.
 
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Note to mods: if this presents any legal issues, I'd prefer that this post be deleted/nuked.
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A shame about your school psychologist, but you really should get a mental health professional to help you. I'm not a psychologist, but your blog looks like a case of clinical depression.
Two things you should keep in mind: first, the college apps are a temporary problem. Second, if volunteering is more stressful than you feel it's worth, I doubt anyone would fault someone in your situation for quitting it.
On a tangent, I'm fairly sure somebody should be told that your school psychologist didn't promise you medical confidentiality. To the best of my knowledge, a psychologist or psychiatrist is supposed to guarantee complete privacy unless you intend to harm someone.
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Sounds like you've recently developed acute depression caused by stress and pain, I'd go to a real psychologist and a psychiatrist too if you can, and go get a second opinion regarding your pain. And get something from your regular doctor or that 2nd doctor for your pain, if what you've said is accurate you definitely deserve and more importantly need some pain medication
Also pls no suicide bro etc go get some pain pills from what you've said physical pain is more than half of what's dragging you down like it would anyone in that amount and duration
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There are many elements that trigger sleep that lie "under the hood." One element would be psychological associations in your brain that basically say whether or not you should fall asleep. Staying in your bed writhing around makes you more likely to stay in your bed and writhe around in the future. If you aren't falling asleep in your bed, get out of your bed and do something else. When you get tired again, go into your bed and try to fall asleep. Rinse and repeat until you no longer have so many issues.
Also, have you considered somatoform disorders as a cause for your weightlifting issues? If the doctors have no clue, maybe that could be a solution.
On another note, not as many doctors as you would think are scared as shit about malpractice suits. Or at least don't avoid diagnosing your issues because of them. Heck, malpractice suits make doctors try especially hard in many circumstances to diagnose you. Got a headache in the waiting room? Tell it to the doctors and you'll get a one-way trip to the MRI machine.
Nah, the hard part about diagnosing rare diseases is that most doctors don't actually know about them and if they do, they don't know much. If you have something really rare, you're probably going to have to see several doctors over a period of months to figure out what your problem is.
Finally, major depression (which is what you have) is a horrible psychological disorder that removes most of the coping mechanisms that keep you alive on a day-to-day basis. Even worse, major depression tacks on some additional shit, such as overwhelming cynicism bordering on delusion and magnification of physical discomforts. The stress alone can take a hell of a toll on your physical body as well.
Take a pill, see a shrink, do something to fix that depression. You're a kid, kids get depressed. I know, I've been there. I felt like nothing would ever get better, that I was so fucked that I might as well end it all right now. But I didn't, because I was scared. And now a few years later I've done more than I could ever imagine, more than I could ever even conceive as possible.
Five years from now you could have your chronic pain cured, a new girlfriend and a hell of a life, but there's no way to know if it all ends now.
You actually have no idea how little you've lived. If it all ends here there will be nothing but regrets all around.
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United States24615 Posts
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About killing yourself; there's no point since you're going to die eventually die anyways, you might as well see what life is like as long as you can. Things change man, even though it might seem like they don't, maybe not right away but they do. Sometimes it's gradual and it might take a while to notice it.
I guess it comes down to this no matter what you do you will get to experience death, so you shouldn't be in a hurry to get there, instead take your time and find out what life has to offer.
I have suffered and still suffer from depression, it's been pretty bad at times too. Just saying this so you know I'm not speaking out my ass and I actually have experience with this kind of stuff (not saying people who haven't suffered form depression can't give advice though).
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Life is worth living. At the end of the day, don't let college acceptance be the be all end all of your life. There is SO much more to life than getting into a Ivy League school.
And as everyone has said before, you should seek serious physical and mental help.
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Meaning is an abstract construct of our minds, and if you aren't happy it's a mental problem most likely brought about by an unskillful view of the world. Get better at dealing with life.
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Killing yourself is stupid, if for no other reason don't mess up your family. But if you really feel that way, go live. Try to jump the grand canyon, go fight a lion, jump out of an airplane and land on a hot air balloon, do literally whatever you want. You were going to kill yourself anyway, so there's nothing to fear.
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Lemee just say that you don't need to go to Harvard or Stanford to have a great career. You can still become a hyper successful millionaire by graduating from a state school, because college is only the beginning. There's literally no reason to assume that just because you aren't going to one of the top 10 schools in the country, your career is gonna be shitty or meaningless. And it's not even like state schools are remotely bad. State schools can be pretty awesome. It's way more about what you do with your four years when you're IN college, and how hard you work there, and how you present yourself. And if you wanna go to graduate school, you can go to even one of the best grad schools in the world with undergrad at a state school if you apply yourself. Don't think that going to a state school is the end of ANYTHING.
Seriously though, it sounds like you really ought to see a REAL therapist like everyone else said.
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You´re 17, basically you have not lived yet and any sane person should feel a little depressed at that age.
Things improve over time, go back and read this thread when you are 22 and laugh at it 
Also you should consider trying out some new things/interests. There are a lot of really fun things to do out there besides video games. If life is pointless/boring why not just go out and try stuff, whatever happens does not really matter anyway right?
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Try to focus on the positive stuff, find something you love and then get good at it at it.
Then EXCEL at it.
During the process get to know people, make friends, learn new stuff.
By the end of all these you should be doing something you love and are good at, surrounded by people who look up to and appreciate you.
+ Show Spoiler +Getting laid is a bonus
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the point of life is to find things that fulfill you, and in that way you can fulfill other people's lives
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Okay for physical pain part 1... I hope you went to an orthopedic doctor and not your family doctor. Never be afraid to get a 2nd opinion. I think it took Montel Williams 15 years to find a correct diagnosis that he had Multiple Sclerosis. Doctors get shit wrong.. don't be afraid to go to someone else.
For part 2.. again, I don't know anything about your dentist but maybe he didn't pass his certification until the 3rd try? He also may be afraid to admit a mistake because of the potential for a lawsuit.
I'll ignore the insomnia portion because.. I don't know much about it except for some people just struggle to get a good 6 hours of sleep. Sleep apnea any problems?
For education... dunno what school you want to go to but I didn't have a job when I went into college, I didn't do any internship, nor did I take my SATs/PSATs, and I went to community college.. got my generals out of the way + classes that I knew (once I decided what I wanted to do for a career) would transfer over to a different college (saved a TON of money doing this). Then I went to a university for a few years and got my BA in Athletic Training.
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On July 21 2013 15:27 travis wrote:
Meaning is an abstract construct of our minds, and if you aren't happy it's a mental problem most likely brought about by an unskillful view of the world. Get better at dealing with life.
Don't give advice like this please. Dealing with depression is not a matter of getting better at life. It is hard to give a shit about anything when your mind is incapable of emotion.
On another note as someone with depression and coming from a family with a history of suicide DO NOT COMMIT SUICIDE. You couldn't do a worse thing to your family. Find someone to talk to about it. Someone with depression or a shrink works well. If you do find someone to talk honestly with about depression the mutual pain will in all likeliness develop into friendship anyways. I have found many good friends this way.
Additionally self pity will not help you. Take the depression and the physical pain as a challenge to tell life to go fuck itself. When you don't feel defeated you will be able to deal with that stuff better. I'm not saying it will fix itself because of this but it will help you deal with it.
As far as the physical pain goes I am neither a doctor nor physiotherapist so I can't help you there much. Physio has done wonders for my knees though (this is merely an idea, I have no idea if it will help you) so maybe a physiotherapist can help.
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i have a major depression/burnout myself (I sleep 12+ hours a day and get exhausted quickly).
for many symptoms EFT (emotional freedom technique) has helped me alot and Im a firm believer in it and have done it for more than 4 years.
The good thing about it is you can learn it in 5 minutes then try it on your backpain for 20 minutes and will probably get some good results. what I want to say is, you dont have to invest a lot of time in it without knowing if it works.
Give it a try! it might help alot!
Good luck with your problems!
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OP, do you use any drugs or alcohol at all besides the sleeping pills? Even prescription stuff? Often times opiate withdrawal will create pain where there is none (even weeks or months after). Some theorize its the mind trying to tell you to get more opiates, others think its all the numbed nerves coming back online and firing in weird ways. It goes away though.
BoT, I dunno why you went back to working out even though you were injured. should have taken time off for sure. I have injured myself a few times lifting heavy weiights and I wait until I am at like 70-80% back to normal before I attempt to get back into it. And why did you go back to the same doctor, go for a second opinion man. I'm sure you realize this now.
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Do you want it so badly to live a meaningful life like you claim it should be (a successful one after joining a good college?).
You're 17 dude, still got 5 or 6 years of development ahead, just be sure to find the field you want to master as a job, and start becoming good at that.
Once you're good at something and like it, your success should come naturally with the things you work out.
Getting into college, doing university, all that stuff is overrated. Its purpose is supposed to be to teach you something well, nowadays the name of the university seems to matter more than that. In theory you can teach all that stuff to yourself. Internet is now full of didactic material universities teach. It doesn't matter where you went, it matters who you are.
In summary, your priority is to find something you're good at and which you like, but most likely which you like cause you can always become good at that.
Also, do you really want to be one of those super successful guys? Stuff like corporate CEO's, politicians, investment bankers and whatnot? You realize that their success comes at a price? They lose free time, privacy and become more or less slaves of their work life, with huge responsibility, constant stress.
I don't want to be up there to be honest.
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You´re 17, basically you have not lived yet and any sane person should feel a little depressed at that age.
Things improve over time, go back and read this thread when you are 22 and laugh at it
How would you define the verb living/lived in your sentence? Seems like a very odd statement.
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So is this pretty much a hidden girl-blog where all these problems are directly related to not having a girl friend?
Start OKcupiding that shit up! Or plenty of fish! Try Craigslist and get yourself a large girl. Always a good starting point! They'll do just about anything you're curious about.
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On July 21 2013 19:49 Bommes wrote:Show nested quote +You´re 17, basically you have not lived yet and any sane person should feel a little depressed at that age.
Things improve over time, go back and read this thread when you are 22 and laugh at it How would you define the verb living/lived in your sentence? Seems like a very odd statement.
probably stems from my primary language where this would be a normal expression.
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On July 21 2013 20:03 Grend wrote:Show nested quote +On July 21 2013 19:49 Bommes wrote:You´re 17, basically you have not lived yet and any sane person should feel a little depressed at that age.
Things improve over time, go back and read this thread when you are 22 and laugh at it How would you define the verb living/lived in your sentence? Seems like a very odd statement. probably stems from my primary language where this would be a normal expression.
Well it is an expression in my language as well, but it is an expression I don't understand and agree with (at least in this context) so I'd like some thoughts about it from someone who uses it, so maybe I can understand the expression better.
Because for me there is no such thing as "not lived yet", you either live or you are dead. Periods in a life can feel sad or meaningless while while you go through them, but that doesn't mean that you aren't living or haven't experienced life yet, the experiences you have during sad or meaningless times can be just as important to you when you reached being "successful" (whatever that subjective term means for you) as the times that feel happy and meaningful while you go through them.
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Please do yourself a favor and take every post besides micronesias with a very big grain of salt, seeking health advice on a forum is a very thin line.
Ideally, your next step is seeing a professional (aka psychologist) until you find someone you feel you can comfortably talk to. If possible feel free to bring a friend or anyone you can trust with what you just told us along.
If, for whatever reasons, seeking a professional is not an option your best bet is http://www.reddit.com/r/depression , telling your story and asking those guys for suggestions for your next steps.
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Firstly, go to a psychologist. Secondly, I can empathize with teeth issues. Thirdly, the lifting issues are most likely due to stressing growing muscles, which means you are attempting to build muscle at a time when doing so will hurt you.
You are in a rut. I can't tell if it's a small bit of depression or just a bad time right now in your life, but you should see a psychologist. Writing this was cathartic, talking will be even more so. Your parents will understand. You are going through a tough time, granted, and talking to a psychologist is immensely helpful. That is their job. They, and your college counselors will be there for you. It's worth it to talk to them.
Along with that, the frequent doctor visits are a pain, but they aren't more afraid of malpractice than actually treating you. You are 17 and most likely have no experience/knowledge of the fields of medicine you are complaining about; furthermore, their foremost goal is to not do harm, which is to prevent further injury to you. Your view of these people is so selfish and cynical it seems to be mostly a continuation of the frustration you have with your life.
With regards to college. I'm just gonna say this. I got fucked over in the process, and most kids do too. Where you get in is where you get in. If you get into a great college, congrats. If not, don't spend your time crying your eyes out like I did for a week. It's not worth it. College is a place to learn and a place that you have to make your own way in. Statistically, if you aren't an "oppressed minority (whatever the fuck that means)" your improvement in quality of life due to going to a highly ranked university or college is miniscule compared to a state school or a small liberal arts college.
Life is looking up for you, if you just start to look up to it dude. Your cynicality is unwarranted in most cases. It's time you talked to a psychologist and began to treat the issues as they come. Also I don't want you to feel like I'm being aggressive with this. I just see a lot of unwarranted negativity here, a majority of which is easily fixed.
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show your parents this blog, go get real mental help. dont dick around and take internet advice when the thought of suicide enters your mind
chronic pain does blow, i had it in my back for a long time due to sports and lifting injuries that never healed properly. you just keep finding new drs if the ones youre seeing suck. i dont know any drs that would be afraid of malpractice for harmless tests, esp since that is why they pay out the nose in insurance... and for two things now, you have injury that cant be proven with tests... i'd go to a psychologist first and pretty much explain your entire blog to him. not a doctor or anything, but depression with chronic pain is common, and there is a lot of other things in there that sound like anxiety disorders and stuff. seeing a trained professional could only be good.
if you have trouble pursuading your parents for some reason, copy and paste the op in a word doc and print so they can read but dont freak and start monitoring your online usage or something
good luck
On July 21 2013 15:27 travis wrote:
Meaning is an abstract construct of our minds, and if you aren't happy it's a mental problem most likely brought about by an unskillful view of the world. Get better at dealing with life.
op, travis is well known as an idiot around here, and youd do well to just ignore him
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Here's some of the big issues I failed to address in the OP:
My parents won't take me to see anything that is not covered by insurance. So I have 1 doctor, and 1 dentist to see. (the orthodontist was completely out of pocket and hence extremely expensive). Psychologist, Physios, and any other health care professional is pretty much out of the question. They don't trust me anyways.
I don't really care about Ivy league school or any of that shit, but my parents would disown me and send me into foster care if they thought that I stopped "trying" to get into a good school. My deadbeat volunteering labor is a part of this so I can't quit that. Also, in the past I have told them about being unhappy and wanting to kill myself and they told me to "stop making excuses and study harder." However, as much of assholes as my parents are, I think foster care would be worse.
I don't even know how I would being just "going out" and doing something. I don't have a car or a license. No friend who are willing to drive me places.
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health insurance varies wildly depending on what you pay for, so i cant really tell you if that is true or not. sometimes theyll pay for it, but only for a certain limited amount.
honestly, copy and paste the text from your op and print it. leave on the dinner table for your parents to read it. if theyre still being dumb fucks (and there is no two ways about it--being that nonchalant about your own kid saying they want to kill themselves is totally fucked) then come back here. there are def places you can find cheap therapists or consultation services who will know a hell of a lot more about navigating mental health services with your insurance or without it if necessary. theyll tell you for sure if you can get a certain amount through your health or if you have to go through other means. and they can guide you through that process as well
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Dont wonder about the meaning of life, such thing doesn't really help because they lack execution.
Focus on fixing chronic pain 1 thing at a time, then finding stuff you enjoy.
You seem to be caught on the "mentality trap" that you can't change most stuff, while you actually do. You can change anything, you just need to measure the prize and decide wether is worth it or not (find How I found freedom in an unfree world)
On what I actually know of:
General doctors are TERRIBLE in dealing with injuries. They think a cast+anti inflamatory is the solution to everything and can't diagnose shit without equipment cause they never done sports or injured themselves.
Post about your issue here
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=268891
and someone who actually knows his shit will be able to help you for free or at least point you toward someone who can.
You are young, life is awesome. Just take control of it, 1 thing at a time.
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life just starts to get fun at 17
hang in there
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Other than the weightlifting thing, these things really kind of remind me of my youth. When I was 17, I would toss and turn for 3+ hours, and have to wake up at 5:30am. My mind just wouldn't shut off. Emotions can sure fog the mind for calmness. Lots of kids my age had horrible sleep patterns. Mine didn't really improve until I was 24 haha. Education: I hated everything, got lousy marks, bad SAT score, and had no idea what I wanted to be. Sounds like the usual story to me. Thoughts of suicide? Shit, I didn't give up those thoughts until I was, what twenty... something, I don't remember now. There's lots to be sad about. Life is lonely, long, and aimless when you sit around brooding all day. The misery feeds itself. You sound perfectly normal to me.
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Pain
On pain: I used to have some tooth pain but nothing too severe. Good dentists fixed that. In China and India there are dentists and doctors that cost a fraction of the cost here if you trust their diagnosis. My friend says weight lifting before age 18 is heavily frowned upon because people who do it tend to get pain. I can't help you much here though.
Sleep
I used to get insomnia but I slept on the bus and then more after getting home. This went on through high school and college. I got through it by masturbating before sleeping. It helped me a lot more than say warm milk. Showers also helped.
These days swimming makes me tired too as does eating a lot of food but those aren't reliable ways to fall asleep at night. Now I don't have problems falling asleep. Probably because I sleep late lol.
Education
I got into a decent school and the loans are light compared to my friends that went to private schools. I think the people I've met are some of the smartest around and I doubt my life would've been much better had I gone to another big name school and paid more. I hate my school, but I doubt say MIT is better. In the end my choice of school made very little difference.
Have you read Robert Frost's the Road Not Taken? Most people think it's about one big decision that someone made that has made a huge difference in his life when really he's just viewing the decision in a positive light to justify it to others and to himself. Deep down he knows the decision didn't matter much. Choosing schools may affect your life, but there's no way of knowing how they'll change it.
And 1 year from now no one will care about your volunteer work or SATs or high school grades.
Life
Life got a lot better for me when I went to college. Not immediately, but I got away from my parents nagging, found great friends, and found a girl I liked. I didn't end up dating her but there have been other girls I've liked and I feel like I'm learning more about myself and what I want as I get older.
My job is very boring. Almost like you've described expect my bosses don't breathe down my neck. I intend to look at startups to try to resolve this. The person to person interaction is what makes the job fun, but I hate working with 300lb neckbeards who "work" for 6 hours 3 days a week and get paid for full time.
In high school I had many suicidal thoughts like yourself, and for the same reason couldn't follow through. You aren't alone. Many people (1/3 here) struggle with these feelings and I think they're something that every rational person will think about if even momentarily.
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Btw, its OK to not know what the point of life is and its totally fine to not have any goals etc. and just to take it easy
many people do this, and are very happy doing so
This may or may not be the case for you, but in no way do the things you're currently feel have any bearing on whether you're a good or bad person who appreciates/doesn't appreciate the stuff and life around you
So if some of the thoughts going through your head make you feel shitty and want to beat yourself up about it because you think they are bad thoughts... well they arn't! It's totally OK (and in some ways, normal, though not all ways) to feel the way you do in the situation you're in, and whils't they may be "bad" thoughts, this doesn't by any stretch mean you're a bad person. It's totally OK to have some bad thoughts (i have plenty, as to most people). Some are more bad than others (killing yourself for example), but MANY people have thought about killing themselves once or twice in their life (i have) and by no means does it mean that if you think about it then you can't be a happy person later on
I hope the physical (and emotional side) gets better
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did you talk to your parents yet??
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yeah. They said "this again?" reminded me of the amount of money they spent on me and made a few threats to disown me.
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I was exactly the same when I was 17 (21, almost 22, now). The disillusionment with reality being, well, kinda a shitty place to live in is a very real feeling. But it's also misleading. The mistake you're making (and the mistake I made) is in applying present-based metrics to the future without adjustment. You will not be the same as you are in 5 years, or 3, or 10. You just won't be. Your perspective on things will change, be it for the better or for the worse, and there's no way to predict how it will happen. In that respect, you can't say things like "this will probably happen, and then this, and then this." No, you have no idea how any of those things will happen, what they'll mean when they do happen, or how you'll react to them if they don't happen.
I'm not trying to be critical, by the way; I really do understand where you're coming from (I took several years off of university study for the exact reason you're describing) but you need to try to get yourself to remember that happiness is out there somewhere, and that it is possible that you will find it. It doesn't make any sense to assume you won't, because you can't really know until you've tried. Furthermore, I'd like to ask you what sort of reality you'd prefer; I think it's very therapeutic to think about such things.
You state that you're demotivated because of the perception you have that life is basically school so you can work so you can work more so you can eventually die. Agreed: that certainly does sound terrible. But, supposing you were able to choose any life you wanted, what would you do instead? I think if you can answer that question, it'll be a lot easier for people to give you advice, since it'll be clear what things you are missing in your life/perceive will be missing from your future life.
Also, go seek professional help from a real psychiatrist in tandem with a cognitive-behavioural counselor. No, drugs are not nearly as bad for you as the media makes them out to be; all modern anti-depressants are, generally speaking, completely harmless, and many of them have beneficial side-effects (lone of the ones I took prevented migraines, for instance). Finally, I'd like to ask if you've ever had a romantic relationship before, and whether it was serious/ended badly.
I'll keep you in my thoughts. Just know that it really doesn't have to end badly; there is always a way to drastically change the prospects of one's life, and very often it doesn't require as much of an effort as you'd think. And, of course, I love you, because you remind me so much of myself.
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EPT
