EPTI desperately need some advice because I'm pretty stuck. But you need to know some background information, so get ready for some tl;dfr 'cuz this about to get crazy up in here. First, I love cats, (they're delicious[j/k]) but they shed a LOT of hair. They are constantly shedding enough hair to fill St. Basil's Cathedral daily. It's pretty intense. Now, certain people suffer from allergies from cats because cat hair is also filled with radioactive isotopes or something (I'm not 100% sure about that, but think about it - all the nations with the most cats also developed nuclear weapons first) so generally, you need to be constantly cleaning so that people who are affected by the cat hair won't burst out into hives, or, at the very least, clean it so that every bite of your sandwich isn't an adverse mix of honey wheat bread, honey-smoked turkey breast slices, crisp romaine lettuce, a slice of provolone cheese, a juicy tomato slice, freshly-ripened avocado, and then finally, a heap of cat hair.
So I go to National Intelligence classes to train to be a government agent, and in my Cyphering Class, there is this gorgeous redheaded woman with soft, yearning, sky-blue eyes and the most adorable freckles this side of the Rio Grande. At first, when I saw her, my heart felt like it was going to pound through my chest, although that is impossible because the bone structure in the chest cavity is heavily reinforced and I am doubtful that a muscle designed to distribute liquid throughout the body using immense pulses of pressure could penetrate a chest plate, but if we can put a man on the moon, then someday, it may be possible. Anyhoo, the attraction was instant on my part, but I was far too shy to approach her. I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her for the longest time, because I'm a pretty introverted person and socially-challenged and timid and scared to live life to the fullest thx 2 shield battery and just don't know how to talk in general. I would daydream of walking up and being like "Hey. Sup. I'm Nina." and then taking off a pair of dark sunglasses, then she would look up and go "I want you." but I knew this was impossible. Sigh. As time went on, I would just feel more and more intimidated. Like, the problem became like... it was like time was against me. Would it be weird to have waited so long, for what felt like years of knowing her, and wondering about her, and thinking about her, and being in the same class for so long, and then out of the blue, just say "Hey, I know we've both been coming to this class for awhile, and I never said hi before, but I'm saying it now because I've decided to join the vertebrae subphylum and grow a spine and talk to you... I mean, wow, this is awkward." and then I would explode. Blood and guts all over the walls. Nobody should be put through that.
So, after going through this personal turmoil for a couple of minutes, I got up and said "Hello." and she said "Hey." and I asked her if I could borrow her pen because mine was out of ink. She gave me a pen and I said "Haha, these pens... always running out of ink." and she said "Yeah, I know, they always just have ink, then you end up using it up and it's like guh." and I was like "You know, just the other day, I had this pen, and I was writing something on my hand... I mean on a piece of paper, and it decided to run out and I never got to finish writing." and she was like "That is so annoying. This is why I keep a coffee cup full of spare pens at home, and I put like 12 pens in my purse." and I was like "No way! That is so smart! You're really pretty and smart, your boyfriend must be really lucky." and she was like "Ha, I don't have a boyfriend, I'm a lesbo." and I was all like "Thank you, God." and God was like "Don't thank me, you gay abomination. Haha, just kidding. I love all my children, except that Fred Phelps faggot."
So we hit it off instantaneously.
But there was a twist. Another time she told me "I'm so allergic to cat hair that it put me in the emergency room twice. Actually, three times, but I don't really count the third one." and because I am an avid cat-lover, I just said "Don't come over to my place then!!! HAHAHAH IT'S COVERED IN CAT HAIR CUZ I LOVE MY LITTLE KITTY PRINCESS"
So Kristen and I were cool with each for a long time and we hung out a lot, like going to mini-golf, karaoke, watching the entire Dr. Who series, Paris, the zoo, strawberry-picking, sucked into a pyramid scheme together, almost got stabbed by a crackhead, and returned a dog to it's owners who lived hours away. Lots of great times, lots of laughs, and lots of subtle flirting, but nothing good. Until one day. We were just sitting at Dairy Queen, and we both got one big milkshake and each got a straw to drink it, and were staring into each other's eyes. Then Kristin said "Wouldn't it be funny if we got a plate of spaghetti like in Disney's Lady and The Tramp and then ate a really long spaghetti noodle, but much to our surprise, we were both consuming the same noodle, so when we got to the end, we kissed?" and I smiled and said "I'd like that." and she said "I'd like that, too, but I get to be the tramp!" and I was like "No way, I get to be the tramp!" and then there was silence and we got really close to each other's faces and I could smell her delicious bacon-flavored lipstick on her moist red lips that seemed to cry out to be kissed. She closed her eyes and whispered "I love you.", and I did the same, and right then, I knew we were meant to be together forever, a perfect bond of pure love coming together to create a shining new star of harmony in the universe. Then she was like "Hey, do you mind if I see your apartment?" and I was like "I care about you a lot, and I don't want you to get hurt because of my damn cat's hair."
And come to think of it, my cat is an ungrateful bastard who causes nothing but misery and despair to all who own her, and her last three owners all committed suicide, so I know she's cursed, and she pukes on the rug every day, and sometimes on my face in my sleep and poops all over the place even though her cat box is right there, and is ripping apart all my furniture and pisses on the floor and eats all my weed, and attacks everyone who comes near her, including me, and sometimes attacks me in my sleep for no reason and leaves my face covered in scratch marks and I live in constant fear and depression because this thing exists, but I don't know if I should get rid of my cat, because that would be admitting defeat, and if I do that, the cat wins.
So it's either my cat or Kristen.
WHAT SHOULD I DO??????????????
Fun read 5/5
