EPTIn October 2010, I was in a very bad spot. I had gotten into a relationship with a girl I met through gaming, who I had foolishly and selfishly dumped all of my emotional baggage on and relied heavily for emotional support. Understandably, she wasn't willing to put up with my shit, and we broke up. I was an emotional mess. I felt sad, hopeless, betrayed, alone, and without direction. Can you see why she broke up with me yet? I put all of my hopes and dreams on her. It's embarrassing for me to even think about! So if you're reading this Erica, I'm sorry
I had planned on going to MLG DC to compete in the Halo Reach tournament. I was no stranger to MLG. I'd already been to Raleigh that year (with my ex no less!) and I'd been to at least 6 or 7 MLG tournaments before that one. MLG was my escape. I grew up heavily medicated for ADHD and the medication made me socially inept. I'd go through school like I was on a train - hurtling forward with the world passing by in a blur. I had very few friends at school because I didn't know how to have a personality. Nothing came naturally to me. I was mute. However, when my medication wore off after school, I'd hop on Xbox Live and be a happy, social guy. I could never make the connection as to why I was an outcast at school but talkative over a microphone. So most of my friends were through Xbox and MLG was a good way to see them every year. I had no problem justifying the plane ticket and hotel costs for a weekend away from my social hell at school - it was a place for me to feel normal and have a good group of friends to hang out with. Sad, but true.
So, fast forward back to MLG DC 2010. I was 2 weeks removed from the break up. Again, I was a mess. Resisting the urge to drown my sorrows in drugs and alcohol like I've made a bad habit of doing over the course of my life, I decided to go. MLG, of course, was my escape, as it had been since 2007. I had a team and I would have to leave scrims because I'd get hit with a sudden rush of sadness. As we say on the internet now, I'd get visited by the "Navy Feel Team"
![[image loading]](http://media.steampowered.com/steamcommunity/public/images/avatars/a9/a918baa7e9c51a270c8f011b77424c205bad505a_full.jpg)
"Pls no not again!"
At this point in my life, I had really no idea about Starcraft. I knew my ex's brother played it a lot in Beta, and my friend J3TTY was pretty good at it, but I had no real experience with it. I saw it played at Raleigh but I spent most of the time at the Halo portion of the event (although I do have a memory of a certain player with a bandana smashing the table after a loss
). This event, however, was different. I wandered around the venue with no direction. Everything I saw reminded me of my ex. I saw her friends everywhere. All of my Halo memories were tainted with sadness at this point of my life. For the first time in my life, MLG, which had been a fantasyland of people as passionate as me about gaming for so long in my life, was suddenly my hell. The effect this had on me was palpable. "You've got to be kidding me," I thought. "I was hoping for this to be my escape but there's really nowhere I can go anymore." I didn't see a lot of my friends at this event and I really didn't care to - I was so hopelessly self-absorbed in my misery. Here I was, experiencing one of the lowest points in my life at one of the happiest places of my life. I wanted to curl up and die on the floor of this convention center.Lost in my own emotions, I wandered on over to the Starcraft section of the venue. I will never forget the first game I watched. HuK was playing Select. I had no idea who either of those players were or what on earth was happening but I felt the electricity in the crowd. I heard intelligent conversations happening around me - theorycrafting. Stuff would happen on screen and there'd be anticipation in the air. The two players were chatting in game after the screen went out, and all of a sudden everyone got really excited. I wanted so badly to understand what was happening! All of a sudden, HuK put down a building and the crowd erupted. The guy standing against a wall to my left said, "If he throws down a fleet beacon I will lose my shit." Sure enough, my first ever live game of starcraft was the infamous Mothership Rush! It was at this point that I decided that I was going to immerse myself in this great new world of Starcraft. In this little corner of the huge MLG ballroom, I had found my escape.
I had made a friend in the audience and he was explaining to me what was going on - that this was mainly a joke strategy and the Mothership never, ever gets built in competitive play. I asked, "Why? Don't they want to win the tournament?"
"Well, neither of these players can beat IdrA."
"Who's IdrA?"
"This is going to take a while to explain."
I stuck around for the finals. All of these signs went up that I didn't understand the context of - my favorite being, "Apologize for playing this race!" and the games were not close. IdrA became a mythical being to me - someone who was far and away the best player on the continent. This kind of dominance was nothing new to me - I'd watched Final Boss dominate Halo 2 for 3 years - but to see it in such an individual skill-based game was enthralling to me. "IdrA must be a god," I thought. Watching games at home, if I saw IdrA in a game I'd automatically assume that he won and most of the time I'd be right. I'd never witnessed dominance the way he did during my infancy as a SC2 player. Him and HuK are the reason I've spent so much time with such a wonderful game. I had found my crutch and my way to cope with my sadness.
Over my journey through Starcraft I've identified with IdrA very heavily. I identify with his rage. His belief that there's a way things "should" be done. His irrational, self destructive behavior. His narcissism. I identify with his angry persona online but happy persona in real life. In a way, IdrA changed me. IdrA showed me the person I was wasn't appealing to other people, that I couldn't be in a self absorbed bubble. Day[9] gave me a personality and outlook to strive for. IdrA gave me one to run from. To say that being a part of the Starcraft community has changed me is to not do it justice - it has given me a reason to change my personality for the better and I'm a much more likeable, sociable person than I used to be.
So when I heard IdrA was dropped from EG, although his behavior had made it hard for me to support him and EG, I was sad. Even if IdrA joins a new team, I feel like a part of me has gone too. I wish the best for him and I hope a lot of good comes from this. Thanks for everything IdrA.
