EPTThe first video is my growing up as transgender and coming out etc. and the second is about my voice/transition.
I'll also answer any questions if there are anyway. Again sorry for the quality of the videos ;-;
Trans Videos
| Blogs > Dark.Carnival |
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Dark.Carnival
United States5095 Posts
The first video is my growing up as transgender and coming out etc. and the second is about my voice/transition. I'll also answer any questions if there are anyway. Again sorry for the quality of the videos ;-; | ||
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fanta[Rn]
Japan2465 Posts
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Quanticfograw
United States2053 Posts
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Bibbit
Canada5377 Posts
edit: Finished - You suggest that your voice isnt that far along, does it get much better than that? Could you point to an example? I have a probably unhealthy fixation on voices and frankly couldnt much fault you. | ||
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Futabot
United States37 Posts
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Dark.Carnival
United States5095 Posts
On April 20 2013 14:49 fanta[Rn] wrote: I love you. ♥ On April 20 2013 23:16 Bibbit wrote: Just started watching but your voice is really good, if that's a reasonable compliment. edit: Finished - You suggest that your voice isnt that far along, does it get much better than that? Could you point to an example? I have a probably unhealthy fixation on voices and frankly couldnt much fault you. For me I don't feel like it's where I want it, but I am happy with my voice. It's mostly just me being a bit of a perfectionist. Here's a few youtube channels of other transgirls that have nice voices, there's a lot more but some of the examples I wanted to link have deleted their channels/videos. http://www.youtube.com/user/candiFLA/videos?flow=grid&view=0 http://www.youtube.com/user/debutantebrawl/videos?flow=grid&view=0 http://www.youtube.com/user/AliceAzalea/videos?view=0&flow=grid http://www.youtube.com/user/SamanthaZero34/videos?view=0 | ||
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Bibbit
Canada5377 Posts
On April 21 2013 04:22 Dark.Carnival wrote: ♥ For me I don't feel like it's where I want it, but I am happy with my voice. It's mostly just me being a bit of a perfectionist. Here's a few youtube channels of other transgirls that have nice voices, there's a lot more but some of the examples I wanted to link have deleted their channels/videos. http://www.youtube.com/user/candiFLA/videos?flow=grid&view=0 http://www.youtube.com/user/debutantebrawl/videos?flow=grid&view=0 http://www.youtube.com/user/AliceAzalea/videos?view=0&flow=grid http://www.youtube.com/user/SamanthaZero34/videos?view=0 Ah thanks. Could be just something an "outsider" like myself cant pick up on but I don't see any of their voices as better than yours. | ||
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Dark.Carnival
United States5095 Posts
On April 21 2013 05:30 Bibbit wrote: Ah thanks. Could be just something an "outsider" like myself cant pick up on but I don't see any of their voices as better than yours. Your perspective is probably correct, for me since I've been working on my voice for so long I can't help but hear something different. It's hard for me to look at it from a different perspective ;x | ||
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sob3k
United States7572 Posts
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Dark.Carnival
United States5095 Posts
On April 21 2013 08:17 sob3k wrote: why is your name dark carnival? Song name I liked when I had a friend make my tl account many moons ago, when I wanted to change it I was already over the post limit D: | ||
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SK.Testie
Canada11084 Posts
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Nitrogen
United States5345 Posts
On April 21 2013 12:06 SK.Testie wrote: GO DOK SEL calm down mang | ||
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rabidch
United States20289 Posts
testie needs to come out too + Show Spoiler + and regrow his afro | ||
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ROOTheognis
United States4482 Posts
 Also can't wait for the gosu terran to finally show urself and no more smurfing  | ||
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LuckyFool
United States9015 Posts
also...smurfing as Terran recently? WUT? How could you leave your Zerg roots.... | ||
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Dark.Carnival
United States5095 Posts
On April 22 2013 11:15 ROOTheognis wrote: Thanks for sharing this Also can't wait for the gosu terran to finally show urself and no more smurfing lol, sooooon :3 On April 22 2013 11:47 LuckyFool wrote: Thanks for sharing this, very interesting stuff. Good luck with everything! also...smurfing as Terran recently? WUT? How could you leave your Zerg roots.... I switched to terran awhile ago D: I hated ZvZ too much and like TvT a lot more~ | ||
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Smigi
United States328 Posts
On April 20 2013 19:30 Quanticfograw wrote: So brave! I encourage more to come out and make videos of their experiences and hopefully this amazing story inspires others! Could you make videos about your experience as well? ZING! Smigi reporting for duty. | ||
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Smigi
United States328 Posts
On April 22 2013 11:15 ROOTheognis wrote: Thanks for sharing this Also can't wait for the gosu terran to finally show urself and no more smurfing Theo, I still have nightmares about rax before supply depot. </3 | ||
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Smigi
United States328 Posts
Sincerely, Smigisterlicious | ||
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Quanticfograw
United States2053 Posts
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Scarlett`
Canada2393 Posts
On April 23 2013 11:18 Quanticfograw wrote: LOL god smigi... ok I have an honest question. Maybe its just because in eSports it seems more prevalent but is transgender on the rise? Maybe just because of the internet I hear more about it? Or more people are being educated on what makes them feel uncomfortable with their bodies so more are able to be open? Video gaming is a very nice escape, so it makes sense for there to be a higher concentration :/ | ||
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J1.au
Australia3596 Posts
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Dark.Carnival
United States5095 Posts
On April 23 2013 13:03 Acer.Scarlett` wrote: Basically this. Escapism is big in video games, especially RPG's or MMO's. For me, growing up, brood war and other games like diablo or dota were huge helps in dealing with my problems, they'd distract me a lot or provide an outlet for my female side. Video gaming is a very nice escape, so it makes sense for there to be a higher concentration :/ There is more exposure today about being transgender than say five years ago which is why it seems like being trans is 'on the rise', though it isn't any more or less prevalent than five years ago -- that's just how the internet is. There's a lot more information too which is key, either for someone that is transgender or dispelling ignorance surrounding being trans, information is important and the internet has a ton of it. On April 23 2013 13:19 J1.au wrote: thx~ ♥Your voice is sooo amazing. | ||
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FaytRose89
United States6 Posts
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Dark.Carnival
United States5095 Posts
On May 01 2013 09:20 FaytRose89 wrote: I enjoyed watching these videos it really shows everything you've gone through. What was the hardest part of it all? Telling your parents? Or has it yet to come? Coming out was definitely really hard. Transition isn't an easy thing (usually) so it remains to be seen if anything will be harder than coming out, hopefully not but who knows D: | ||
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MarlieChurphy
United States2065 Posts
On April 23 2013 11:18 Quanticfograw wrote: LOL god smigi... ok I have an honest question. Maybe its just because in eSports it seems more prevalent but is transgender on the rise? Maybe just because of the internet I hear more about it? Or more people are being educated on what makes them feel uncomfortable with their bodies so more are able to be open? Yo, I noticed this as well. And I have thought about it very much in depth. I think it has to do with nature/nurture a little bit. There is debate on whether or what decides a person to feel transgendered or in the wrong body etc. I think it is just as likely for someone to be born that way (due to genetic defects of hormones in birth etc), but it is also possible from the formative years of childhood. Namely ages 0-13, where the parents and experiences imprint the mind indefinitely. Dr. Drew often quotes a study about domineering mothers or parents who wished they had the opposite sex kid and tell them they did, can often create homosexual or transgendered people. Or even more serious traumas, such as sexual abuse, neglect, verbally/physically abusive parents, etc. Besides all that, I recently watched a lecture on male and female brain arousal and there was also a large portion about transexual pornography. It has been on the rise for a long time. Namely because the primary things heterosexual males search for on the internet is: boobs, ass, and dicks iirc. With dicks being number one. Crazy shit, but it makes sense considering all the big blacks on blondes etc. Dudes have a weird psychological hangup on penis size and performance. That is a whole 'nother discussion that namely relates to insecurity, power, status, etc. With all this being said, It only makes sense that there would be a lot of trans MtF people within gaming communities. Because they are somewhat confused and shunned by society and self medicate by hiding out playing games or doing introverted things (even if they may be extroverted personality types?). And the internet is also a wealth and forum of information for similar minded people and of course the porn, making them feel more accepted or less of a freak. This is all well and good, but I ask now, why are there less FtM transgendered within the gaming communities? Are they just less apt to come out and talk about it? Are they trying too hard to do more manly things to fit their persona or preconceived notions of manliness? Or does it have to do with the fact that transgendered people actually do not have a female or male brain and have something more inbetween with more of the biological tendencies as the original sex they are? After all they still have the rest of the traits that testosterone will provide (for the most part), stronger/denser bones, longer ring finger over the pointer finger, more pronounced adam's apple, facial hair, etc. So what I'm suggesting is the testosterone also plays a crucial role in the brain for competition/sport and strategic thinking that normal females don't get. Which is why it is super rare to find a female who likes competitive gaming, and even more rare to find one who is actually good enough to compete with the males. At least one that is pretty anyways. haha. So I think that is what the appeal is of these transgendered gamers like kayopolice (Street fighter player), who is pretty good and also very confusing to heterosexual male attraction. PS- Maybe another discussion. But just like they usually don't allow MtF transgendered people in physical competition with genetic women, they shouldn't let them into competition in non physical sport either, unless the league is for both males and females. It is unfair because of the genetic advantages. There recently was an interesting discussion about Fallon Fox (MtF UFC fighter), which had changed my mind somewhat about the topic. Joe Rogan's podcast did a thing about it too, he seems a bit more negative, but he makes some good points. PPS- Another thing I have been thinking about over the last couple years is the self medication/or addiction to playing competitive games and esports. There is a fine line between addiction and passion in anything. The way to correctly define addiction; is by its consequences. So a lot of the gaming that transgenders do as a form of self medication could just be a sign of their traumas manifesting itself through a trigger for their addictive gene. Dark.Carnival (or Scarlett), what do you think about everything I have said here? Can you relate with any of this? | ||
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Dark.Carnival
United States5095 Posts
On May 08 2013 06:31 MarlieChurphy wrote: Yo, I noticed this as well. And I have thought about it very much in depth. I think it has to do with nature/nurture a little bit. There is debate on whether or what decides a person to feel transgendered or in the wrong body etc. I think it is just as likely for someone to be born that way (due to genetic defects of hormones in birth etc), but it is also possible from the formative years of childhood. Namely ages 0-13, where the parents and experiences imprint the mind indefinitely. Dr. Drew often quotes a study about domineering mothers or parents who wished they had the opposite sex kid and tell them they did, can often create homosexual or transgendered people. Or even more serious traumas, such as sexual abuse, neglect, verbally/physically abusive parents, etc. The nurture aspect of raising a child can play a part but I don't think it's a big factor. There's plenty of trans people that grew up in normal families with no background of trauma etc. My childhood was a very normal, typical childhood and I had a normal average american family. I also had zero traumatic experiences growing up. I had depression but that was due to being trans, not because of some trauma from my past. How open the parents are to letting their kid be themselves growing up is a factor, but I don't think that's them influencing their children into being transgender I think it just lets the kids be themselves comfortably at an earlier age. This is all well and good, but I ask now, why are there less FtM transgendered within the gaming communities? Are they just less apt to come out and talk about it? Are they trying too hard to do more manly things to fit their persona or preconceived notions of manliness? Or does it have to do with the fact that transgendered people actually do not have a female or male brain and have something more inbetween with more of the biological tendencies as the original sex they are? After all they still have the rest of the traits that testosterone will provide (for the most part), stronger/denser bones, longer ring finger over the pointer finger, more pronounced adam's apple, facial hair, etc. It is interesting that we see less visible FtMs, but that doesn't mean there aren't any. While I can't speak for them, my own thoughts are that it's "easier" to blend in online as a male, so they don't really ever need to come out to anyone. There's also a factory of how boys/girls are raised. In general it's easier for a boy to play video games, so it's an easy place to escape to as MtF whereas FtM may have a harder time doing that. But as I said I can't speak for someone that is FtM. So what I'm suggesting is the testosterone also plays a crucial role in the brain for competition/sport and strategic thinking that normal females don't get. Which is why it is super rare to find a female who likes competitive gaming, and even more rare to find one who is actually good enough to compete with the males. At least one that is pretty anyways. haha. So I think that is what the appeal is of these transgendered gamers like kayopolice (Street fighter player), who is pretty good and also very confusing to heterosexual male attraction. What about girls who are competitive in physical sports? There's not really any difference in competitive spirit between males/females, just a physical difference. We see less females in competitive gaming because spending hours playing a game is more frowned on in general for females than it is for males, so that's a societal/culture thing. There are good female players in every game, even Starcraft. At least for Starcraft 2 there are a lot of female players who are good, we just haven't seen any that are tournament winning caliber players yet because of the time dedication it takes to be one. PS- Maybe another discussion. But just like they usually don't allow MtF transgendered people in physical competition with genetic women, they shouldn't let them into competition in non physical sport either, unless the league is for both males and females. It is unfair because of the genetic advantages. There recently was an interesting discussion about Fallon Fox (MtF UFC fighter), which had changed my mind somewhat about the topic. Joe Rogan's podcast did a thing about it too, he seems a bit more negative, but he makes some good points. They do allow MtF's to compete with women in physical sports. I'm not 100% sure what the criteria are, but for instance I think the Olympic rules require 2+ years of hormone therapy and SRS (sex reassignment surgery). For non physical sports there's no reason to not let someone that is MtF play in female only tournaments, there's no advantage at being born male vs being born female for video games. If you identify as female you should be allowed to play. Physical sports should require time spent on hormones and depending on the sport maybe surgery, which I think is okay since hormones get rid of any male body advantages an MtF has. PPS- Another thing I have been thinking about over the last couple years is the self medication/or addiction to playing competitive games and esports. There is a fine line between addiction and passion in anything. The way to correctly define addiction; is by its consequences. So a lot of the gaming that transgenders do as a form of self medication could just be a sign of their traumas manifesting itself through a trigger for their addictive gene. When I was younger I played video games because it was a medium to escape to and being online it felt easier to be more my true self. In a way it could be seen as an addiction, but it was more like a medicine for me. I don't think competitive games really play a part, that was just something about games that I ended up really enjoying. Video games, competitive or not, are really good as a form of escapism for anyone not just someone that is transgender. | ||
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Slurgi
United States118 Posts
Luckily you can still sport the black nail polish. | ||
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QuanticHawk
United States32130 Posts
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MarlieChurphy
United States2065 Posts
I personally can answer this question fairly logically, and the main reasons I like gaming and Blizzard RTS games were because, I like challenges, I like beating non computer challenges, and competition, I enjoy winning immensely (and hate losing), I wanted to become the very best at something, and being the independent introvert that I am; I wanted to do it by myself- without the need of a team or help from anyone else. Which as a self taught DIY type of guy that I am, I mostly have. I never thought of it as an escape, although I often did justify the hardcore gaming for hours as 'my anti-drug' whilst most of my friends were actually out doing drugs and getting into trouble. I felt I was at the very least, I was keeping my brain sharp through critical thinking etc. while my peers were just socializing and wasting time. But then again, maybe I am just rationalizing my addiction. | ||
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Dark.Carnival
United States5095 Posts
On May 24 2013 13:51 Slurgi wrote: Huh. Well, glad to hear the transition's gone well. Luckily you can still sport the black nail polish. lol, thx~ On May 24 2013 22:27 QuanticHawk wrote: dont really have much to add other than congrats on being comfortable in your own skin. that's a bitch for a lot of people in similar circumstances and someone less secure might see your stuff and be inspired. good on you Youtube was a source of comfort and inspiration too me when I was younger and accepting myself as trans. Since then I've always wanted to make a video (or videos) so I can give at least give a little bit of that to someone else. On May 25 2013 01:14 MarlieChurphy wrote: Dark.Carnival, Thanks for your personal insight and taking the time to reply. I would look into the escaping part of video games a bit more if I was you. That is what most addicts are doing, escaping emotions, relationships, or stuff they don't want to come to terms with. Even if it's not an addiction, it's still something to go introspective about. Why do we do the things we do? It may be an addiction, but I don't know if that makes it a bad thing. When I hear the word addiction it brings a negative connotation with it but for me it was never really a negative thing at all. When I was younger, without Broodwar to pour my mind into and serve as a distraction and place to be myself, I may have turned to other more destructive things to channel my negative emotions; drugs or cutting or worse. I also found out I really enjoyed the competitive aspect of it and that has carried over to me today. As with all things that become an addiction there are negative affects but for most people (trans or not) I'd say video games are a better way to deal with their issues than the alternatives. | ||
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MarlieChurphy
United States2065 Posts
The shitty thing about humans is that whatever traumas we suffer in our childhood is what we end up seeking out as an adult. Some speculate that this might have to do with the fact that you are subconciously putting yourself in similar situations that you've had before to 'right' them, but it never works out or you end up sabotaging it. Another theory is that you simply just go with what you know, and just don't ever think your world can or will change (or even realize it). Example; most pedos were molested as a kid. I feel as if so many people are going through their lives not even knowing how or why people do things, including themselves. And just assuming that it's because 'women are crazy', or 'guys are assholes' or stupid shit like that. It all stems from the childhood. And these are not just theoretic new ideas, this is factual stuff that most people are not even aware of and very easily can be. | ||
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Masq
Canada1792 Posts
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Dark.Carnival
United States5095 Posts
On May 27 2013 19:47 MarlieChurphy wrote: Wait you are/were a cutter? I thought you said you didn't have any abuse in your past? People who are cutters were physically abused at young ages. Cutting is basically a manifestation of emotional trauma. A way to manage feelings that your brain doesn't really know how to manage. This is partly why we have so much tattoo culture these days, I see constantly on my facebook feed from chicks; "I NEED to get another tattoo", and they have dozens and dozens of (bad) tattoos just for the sake of getting that pain. Some of them will even come right out and say they like the feeling. The shitty thing about humans is that whatever traumas we suffer in our childhood is what we end up seeking out as an adult. Some speculate that this might have to do with the fact that you are subconciously putting yourself in similar situations that you've had before to 'right' them, but it never works out or you end up sabotaging it. Another theory is that you simply just go with what you know, and just don't ever think your world can or will change (or even realize it). Example; most pedos were molested as a kid. I feel as if so many people are going through their lives not even knowing how or why people do things, including themselves. And just assuming that it's because 'women are crazy', or 'guys are assholes' or stupid shit like that. It all stems from the childhood. And these are not just theoretic new ideas, this is factual stuff that most people are not even aware of and very easily can be. No I wasn't a cutter. What I meant is without Broodwar and other games to serve as a distraction I may have turned to harmful alternatives such as cutting, or other things like drugs or whatever. On May 27 2013 21:19 Masq wrote: whats the difference between transgender and transsexual? Transgender is a umbrella term describing any form of gender identity. Transsexual is used to describe someone that is transitioning to the gender opposite of their birth sex, such as someone born male transitioning to female. Those are the super simple basic definitions. This http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender#Transgender_identities can give a better understanding about both terms (and others). | ||
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