EPTSigh, after two weeks of sobering up, I decided to go out and party with my friends again. I'm writing this just as I reach home, slightly drunk, mostly sad. Every time I go out partying, go to nightclubs, the truth is I'm looking to fall in love again. Looking for love in all the wrong places, how cliche.
It's been a month since I've had contact with my ex girlfriend, things have improved mostly, been as of recent I've had dreams about her. I dream't of her face yesterday; for a month I haven't seen her face, not even in pictures, I've avoided everything that's remotely associated with her like a plague. I avoid the mall that she works at, and even the train stop that's located next to the mall. I remember we were buying something, and she turned around, and I saw her face, in its entirety, I remember the strong feelings I still have for her. I woke up.
It was a real serious relationship and it's not going to be easy getting over her. It sounds real stupid when I saw it, but I really did think I was gonna get married to her and all. Having never experienced being in a whole happy family, I guess I've been hard wired to covet that so much. When I walk by and watch couples kiss, share a moment, hug, I feel so much jealousy.
Upon waking up from the dream I felt so much anger, and I still do. I hate her so much, I feel so much anger, it consumes me. For a while it seemed that I was really getting over her, but now there's just so much hatred. Hatred at her, hatred at my self for letting her into my heart. Hatred at myself for letting her fuck around with me ever since the break up. Hatred at the fact that she's all like, lol whatever, I didn't do nothing wrong, he's just bitter that I dumped him twice, and I have a new bf now who'll buy me whatever I want and let me do whatever I want.
School's starting again and I just don't feel I'm up to it. Truth be told I think that best thing for me, is to leave this country for a while, leave everything behind and just get my head straight, but I live in a place where such a thing is just not possible. Sometimes I feel that there's just nothing left for me, sigh.
It's probably just the alcohol, but hey, don't they say people are true when they've had a bit too much to drink. I haven't went for my therapy yet, breaking contact with my ex girlfriend, and the really ugly, messing and disgusting way we did it, really took its toll on me. I didn't leave the house for a full 2 weeks after that. What the psych said made a lot of sense though; she was concerned that I didn't have any stable female figure in my life. Kinda true, from my fucked up psycho bitch mother, to my fucked up ex girlfriend(s), and the girls who talk to me but I don't really open up to because I suspect they want something from me, I don't really have a female I'm close to. Fuck my ex was the closest I've ever been to a human being, I've never been close to anyone in general, so it really hurt me that I opened myself like that and got fucked over.
I'm not contacting my ex or anything, so you guys can chill, I guess I just need to get some stuff off my chest. I don't tell anyone anything in my life, I just don't trust anyone. I'd trust a psych over my family members any day because at the end of the day she doesn't know me personally and she just wants my money.
Things are going to change.
A few days ago, my dad took my 6 year old sister from my mom and never returned her to her. Filed a police report, child abuse, and now my sister is in the hospital, awaiting orders of child welfare services. She had 50 bruises on her body, I'm not even making this shit up, doctors took pictures of every bruise and documented them. Both of her eyes are bruised.
When my dad did what he did, he made us all leave the house for the day and stay elsewhere, because he was afraid of my mother. I didn't give a shit about what he said, so I lied that I was staying at a friends place, and went out to a bar nearby and read a book. I came back, and lo and behold my mom was there. She was crying and shit, and she confronted me. I almost laughed in her face, there was a sick sense of pleasure I felt seeing her cry. She deserves this, this woman should never be allowed to keep any children. The shit that she did to me, the shit I saw growing up.
She knew she wasn't getting anything out of me so she left. The following day I had to talk to the child services person and tell her everything I knew, including the abuse I suffered under my mother. It felt like I was betraying my mom in a way, but at the same time she deserves everything that's coming. However, right now, everything's up in the air. If everything goes as it should, my dad will have custody of my sister and I'll probably have to raise my sister. In a way, that's always what I wanted, to have a kid, to be give someone something I never had, to be a parent. But it's not an easy task and that scares me. Right now, my mother's been lying and telling the welfare services person that this is the first time she's done it, and she'll never do it again, a lie that the dumb as fuck child services woman actually believes.
I miss that feeling of holding a girl and making out with her, being close to her, even if it's just lust for her, even if its just a one time thing.
Just a few hours ago, while partying with my friends, we decided to go to this place, this nightclub full of hookers, because they were drunk out of their minds and horny as fuck. I had to baby sit my retard drunk friends. First thing they did when they came to the place, was walk up to a bunch of hookers sitting down and chatting, saying hi, then pointing at each of their faces and saying, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. Then one of them proceeds to point at a woman who approaches him and say, YOU'RE A LADY BOY, NO. Get spits on, and hit with a shoe, and then I get yelled at for 10 minutes by a fucking hooker for trying to stop her from hitting my friend. She was like, "I'M SINGAPOREAN YOU KNOW, YOU THINK YOUR WHITE FRIEND CAN JUST COME OVER AND TALK SHIT TO ME. I'VE TAKEN A PICTURE AND LODGED A POLICE REPORT. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE. SO WHAT IF HE IS DRUNK, YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST CAN WALK UP TO ME AND TALK SHIT TO ME LIKE THAT. IF I CALLED YOU A LITTLE CHINESE SHIT. WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? DO YOU LIKE THAT I'M POINTING MY FINGER IN YOUR FACE."
She was pointing her finger at me the whole time, right in my face, like just a centimeter away. I smiled at her the whole time and responded, "If you were drunk and you said that I wouldn't care bro."
If she had laid a finger on me I would have socked her in the fucking eye, stupid bitch.
Some hooker was talking to a bunch of guys and she kept stealing looks at me, and I went up to her and talked to her. I don't know, maybe I'm too good looking to be at places like that? She accused me of being a cop and insisted on examining my passport.
Living the life man. I'll probably just sleep all this angst away. Good night everyone!
