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Hey TLers,
I write a column for my University's newspaper, and unfortunately I don't get a lot of criticism. Some friends have told me I just write well, and therefore it's hard to criticize, but I'm not convinced. So I thought to myself, "where can I go where my writing is guaranteed to be ripped apart?" Well, here I am, and if any of you have some free time to kill (you're on TL, of course you do), please read some of my columns and give me some constructive feedback.
Thanks everyone!
My columns are all compiled on my official Twitter: https://twitter.com/RantsWeekly
(Note: this is not a promo for my Twitter, I legitimately just want to improve my writing. It's just a local University newspaper after all, so I don't really expect any of you to subscribe.)
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Some good and interesting articles, but I just wanted to pull out one quote and tear you apart for it as requested. =)
"I disclaim that I am in any way attempting to represent a professional, psychological opinion. These are merely amateur opinions I’ve developed from my own experience and connections. Please read this with the appropriate skepticism."
This is the worst thing ever. This is what is wrong with opinion journalism, and the fact that your editor approved this is horrible. Look, anyone can write about anything, but presumably the reason we read journalism is to become better informed. When journalists write an article, the most important thing they can do is to research and distill expert opinion for everyone else. Not everyone has the freedom to call up an expert to ask them about some important issue. Not everyone has the ability to directly talk to a legislator, or a witness to some event. That is what journalists are for.
When you just start bloviating from your own perspective, you do a disservice to your readers, but you also do a disservice to yourself as a journalist because you threw away an opportunity to learn more about a topic.
In terms of general writing style, it seems decent, but you could definitely tighten things up. Also, you tend to use the passive voice a lot, which is also pretty bad since it does more to confuse the reader rather than inform. "It seems" (to who?) "It is often concluded" (by who?). Obviously these are your thoughts, and you're just hiding behind language when you use the passive voice.
In that column for example, this paragraph:
"When searching for a connection between the school shootings we’ve seen, there’s one clear link: family trouble. It is often pointed out that many of the families knew something was wrong with their child and were desperate for help. From this, it is often concluded that the families were helpless, and there was nothing they could have done. This is false."
Could become:
"There is one theme that links past school shootings: family trouble. Many of the families knew something was wrong with their child and were desperate for help. But these families were not helpless, and should/could have done X."
Edit: And the reason we do talk to experts, is because when we just talk out of our asses, we can be wrong, and that makes us as individuals, and the publications we write for look bad. Is family trouble a necessary condition for school violence? Probably, but there are millions of kids with family trouble and only a few school shootings, so it seems like a pretty weak causal link. Making assumptions about parent behavior towards kids without actually going through some of the school shootings and saying 'in this case, we have evidence that the parents ignored the kid, in this case, etc... is just really lazy. It would have taken you 45 min to do some reading on the relationships between the parents and kids in columbine, newtown, etc. and present some actual facts, rather than making stuff up.
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never include yourself in any story you write. used to write for the university paper, and took a class on journalism with a really cool guy who used to do this shit for a living.... one of his biggest peeves was if anyone wrote or said "i" in an article.
i guess same critique as guy above me. Dont say anything yourself, quote other people who say stuff. Let the readers form their own opinions. Try to persuade them into forming an opinion similar to your own.
When you get famous, people will want your opinion, until then your job is to say "X said Y" and "A said B"
Also agree with above poster, supposition is bad. You risk people going "lol no i dont." or "no we dont..."
Facts facts facts. Journalism exists to relay facts/information.
Wanna have an opinion? write a blog.
just my opinion ofcourse (irony =p).
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Brunei Darussalam622 Posts
I'm a reporter at a big newspaper. I'll be more than happy to share some advice. I'm going to write my comments in italics:
Last week The Daily Barometer’s editors wrote an editorial reduntant. maybe try "editors wrote a piece" which caused a lot of controversy.a lot is slang. Also this sentence sounds like pure speculation (which is bad in journalism) back it up with facts or cut it Their opinion regarding Greek life at OSU poked at stereotypes pervasive in colleges across America. These stereotypes are unfair, remove comma. It's chopping up the sentence for no reasonand are battled daily by those who belong to a fraternity or sorority — including myself.keep yourself out of the piece as much as possible. Let your words speak for you rather than break the fourth wall
Few people know this, but I have a tattoo — m dash isnt necessary. Use "of" here insteadmy fraternity’s Greek letters on my ankle. This wasn’t the result of a drunken night, remove comma and it wasn’t a spur of the moment decision that I’ll regret for the rest of my life.comma here, not period This tattoo was and is representative of everything positive I’ve experienced in joining a fraternity.
In high school I was a huge geek. I spent more than 10 hours a day playing video games and was often mocked by my peers for it. I was also quite chubby, as I addressed in a previous column about weight loss. My social skills were subpar, and what opportunities I did get to socialize were often a remove "a" negative experiences for me.remove "for me". We already know you are talking
When I arrived at OSU in 2006, I, as most students did, started out in the dorms.needlessly confusing. remove "as most students did" My roommate was my best friend from high school,remove comma and we were both in the same major. After just a few weeks in the dorms,remove "in the dorms" for conciseness the only positive factors were my roommate and a girlfriend I met who lived in the dorm.remove "I met who lived in the dorm" it doesnt add to the story very much. Conciseness! I wanted out — nay, I needed out.You're a horse?
To my great fortune, a friend from high school who was a grade ahead of meremove "who was a grade ahead of me". It's frivolous info. Conciseness! invited me and my roommate my roommate and I to check out his fraternity. Upon arrival, we were greeted with open arms and respect. We had a lot of fun checking out the house and meeting all the guys. A couple of days later we were offered a bid to join the house. We weren’t pressured into it, nor were we promised endless parties and girls. We both accepted.
Let’s take a moment to do the math here. I was a huge geek (literally) in my freshman year of college, with few social skills. And yet I was joining a fraternity. no need to take a moment to do the math. We just read all this info one paragraph ago, stop repeating yourself. Remove everything before thisOne of the main stereotypes of fraternity guys is the idea of a “bro,” or an extroverted, social, party-going jock who just wants to get with as many women and consume as much alcohol as possible. I was none of these.
close this gap and combine these paragraphs
When I moved out from the dorms after a single term, I was again greeted with open arms. I wasn’t just another helper for party setup, remove commaor an additional target for hazing; I was joining a brotherhood — a family.
Since 1825, 50 percent of the U.S. presidents belonged to a fraternity. Of all the chief executives on Forbes Super 500 list, a quarter belonged to fraternities. In order to run a Fortune 500 business, you must have brains and social skills. The problem is, from my experience, if you’re raised with the brains, you don’t get the social skills and vice versa. For kids like me, who were raised to be intellectuals and always did well in math and science, there was often a lack of effective social development. boring paragraph that doesnt add anything other than arbitrary facts and speculation. Cuts your flow, too. Consider removing.
In my fraternity, I was one of the brothers. This meant I wasn’t cast out and ostracized if I did something embarrassing that proved my lack of social prowess. Instead, I was directed and my brothers did what they felt necessary to correct my mistakes. Some of these corrections weren’t positive reinforcement, but they weren’t hazing. Upon reflection add comma here I can say these corrections were always necessary and helpful.
In a normal daily life, if you’re felt to be socially inept, people will usually just ignore you or make fun. In a Greek house, they have to live and work with you, and while you may not all get along perfectly, they will do whatever is necessary to make it manageable. This is the perfect training for running a business.
combine these paragraphs
In the corporate world, you will find people you may not get along with. You’ll run into people who don’t like you. Unfortunately, some of those people may be necessary to work with in climbing up the corporate ladder.
I was essentially adverbs need to modify verbs, not trail after them. change to "I essentially was" or even remove "essentially" all together in a school of social development, oneremove ", one" to which no college class could ever compare. Obviouslydont assume things are obvious to readers. delete this I needed it much more than some, but it worked nonetheless. "but it worked nonetheless" feels... out of place. maybe reword to "and it worked." or maybe just delete this whole sentence
The opposite situation is true as well change to "is also true" for pacing. Many come into Greek life with plenty of social skills, remove comma. Right now "but have a hard time with school" is a sentence fragmentbut have a hard time with school. While it’s assumed most of these students will continue to have a hard time or even do worse, this is often not the case. Almost all Greek houses have a minimum GPA and have mandatory study tables for those who don’t meet or exceed said minimum. These study tables are effective, so much soneedlessly confusing. change to "These study tables are so effective" that if you examine the averages, Greek lifegreek life or greek people? Maybe just say "Greeks" often meets or exceeds "often meet or exceed" standard grammar change to stay consistent with "Greeks" the GPA of the rest of the university.
The rest of the university also doesn’t redundant. change to "Non-greeks also don't"have mandatory philanthropy hours. It is often unknown or ignored that Greek houses pour thousands consider changing to "It may not be well known, but Greek houses pour thousands..." of hours into helping the community around them.
Due to joining Greek life,Awkward. change to "Since joining Greek life," I have become someone who can easily talk to remove "to"and get along with just about anyone. I have acquired an appreciation for excellence, hard work and perseverance. I gained best friends who have helped me more than I could have imagined. I have a network of resources to help me for the rest of my life, no matter what issues I may run into.
It's okay. In some parts you present your argument well and back it up with a touching story or good information. In other places, your voice sort of sounds like a sniveling whiner who got upset because someone called him a name on the playground. Pay attention to your tone and presence throughout the story. Try to stay strong and firm while you lay out the facts. Move away from offering too many direct opinions and just let the reader connect the dots on your words.
If this was a newspaper, your article would be way too long. This is feature material length, but unfortunately is way too boring to warrant the front page. If you revise this, consider condensing it to about half the length. You'll often find that during this process certain ideas and conclusions become stronger and more potent, which makes for a stronger story.
Your grammar is a little distracting. You overuse commas waaay too much. It's a fairly common mistake, so don't feel bad. Just pay attention and ask yourself, "Do I really need a comma here? Is it going to needlessly disrupt the flow of the sentence?"
And my last bit of advice: INTERVIEW SOMEONE. Interview a greek. Interview a non-greek. Interview a professor. Interview the chancellor. Interview a cat. It doesn't matter who. When you add quotes and stuff like that, it provides another angle on your story and gives it more depth. I understand this is some sort of personal opinion piece, but no one really cares what you alone think. They want to hear ALL the dirt on the street, and it's your job to give as much unique content as you can.
Alright that's about it! When I read this, I see promise. Just work on being as concise and direct as possible. If you have any other questions, feel free to pm me 
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On March 12 2013 09:15 alQahira wrote:
Some good and interesting articles, but I just wanted to pull out one quote and tear you apart for it as requested. =)
"I disclaim that I am in any way attempting to represent a professional, psychological opinion. These are merely amateur opinions I’ve developed from my own experience and connections. Please read this with the appropriate skepticism."
This is the worst thing ever. This is what is wrong with opinion journalism, and the fact that your editor approved this is horrible. Look, anyone can write about anything, but presumably the reason we read journalism is to become better informed. When journalists write an article, the most important thing they can do is to research and distill expert opinion for everyone else. Not everyone has the freedom to call up an expert to ask them about some important issue. Not everyone has the ability to directly talk to a legislator, or a witness to some event. That is what journalists are for.
When you just start bloviating from your own perspective, you do a disservice to your readers, but you also do a disservice to yourself as a journalist because you threw away an opportunity to learn more about a topic.
In terms of general writing style, it seems decent, but you could definitely tighten things up. Also, you tend to use the passive voice a lot, which is also pretty bad since it does more to confuse the reader rather than inform. "It seems" (to who?) "It is often concluded" (by who?). Obviously these are your thoughts, and you're just hiding behind language when you use the passive voice.
In that column for example, this paragraph:
"When searching for a connection between the school shootings we’ve seen, there’s one clear link: family trouble. It is often pointed out that many of the families knew something was wrong with their child and were desperate for help. From this, it is often concluded that the families were helpless, and there was nothing they could have done. This is false."
Could become:
"There is one theme that links past school shootings: family trouble. Many of the families knew something was wrong with their child and were desperate for help. But these families were not helpless, and should/could have done X."
Edit: And the reason we do talk to experts, is because when we just talk out of our asses, we can be wrong, and that makes us as individuals, and the publications we write for look bad. Is family trouble a necessary condition for school violence? Probably, but there are millions of kids with family trouble and only a few school shootings, so it seems like a pretty weak causal link. Making assumptions about parent behavior towards kids without actually going through some of the school shootings and saying 'in this case, we have evidence that the parents ignored the kid, in this case, etc... is just really lazy. It would have taken you 45 min to do some reading on the relationships between the parents and kids in columbine, newtown, etc. and present some actual facts, rather than making stuff up.
Totally agree. You should always avoid the passive voice.
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I read a couple of your articles and honestly they feel like you wrote them in about 20 minutes each. It seemed like you couldn't be bothered tightening up your grammar and vocabulary. I am assuming that no one is editing your work. Also, you don't seem to be putting any effort into assembling persuasive arguments.
I was going to go through one of your articles (the one about communications degrees) line by line and show you where I think you can improve. But then I realized that it would take me longer to do that than it probably took you to write the article in the first place.
Sorry for being harsh, but you kind of asked for it in the OP. Good writing is hard work. My impression is that you have the skill set but you're not really applying yourself.
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I appreciate all of your feedback and honesty, even the harsh. It's the end of the term, so next term I think I'm going to use this as a reference page to help me improve my writing, as well as try to get actual interviews.
On March 13 2013 03:08 ziggurat wrote:
I read a couple of your articles and honestly they feel like you wrote them in about 20 minutes each. It seemed like you couldn't be bothered tightening up your grammar and vocabulary. I am assuming that no one is editing your work. Also, you don't seem to be putting any effort into assembling persuasive arguments..
That's not entirely inaccurate, but I actually would appreciate some specifics/recommendations. I take harsh criticism quite well, so the more specific you tear my writing apart, the better.
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EPT
