Writing this makes me feel like a gossip columnist... but I guess this is as good a place as any to ask
My older brother brought home his girlfriend (we'll call her Jenny) of about six months for two days of Lunar New Year merriment with my family. This turned out to be a mistake. My parents (especially my mom) morphed from slightly high-strung but decent folks into judgmental balls of spite that would make the alpha bitch from Mean Girls look like Mother Teresa.
To better understand this, it's important to note how they react, I guess. My dad is the agreeable guy in the family. His personality is a little bit like a flexy-straw, but he does tend to get passionately argumentative. My mom's a lot more demanding, but overall a person who very much believes in the fundamental good nature of humanity. She gets really unhappy when people display what she considers immoral or amoral behavior (which was the root of most her and my own conflict growing up).
The details are pretty irrelevant here, but apparently my mom was unimpressed at the Jenny's lack of educational, organizational, culinary, or cleaning skills, and was basically pulling her hair out the entire weekend as she tried to figure out how serious my brother was with her. (Hint: my brother's just dating Jenny for the easy lays, but he doesn't really like to talk to my parents about his emotional life.) For example:
Jenny was standing around in the kitchen, and asked my mom if there was any work to do (as in kitchen tasks). Her Chinese is pretty terrible, so her question sounded like she needed to find a job in Mandarin. My mom immediately responded, "Oh, is that so? It might be hard for you to find one with your degree..."
All five of us went on a hiking trip. My mom immediately started peppering Jenny about her family--about her parents' divorce, her stepfather's alcoholism, and her mom's and her own lack of educational achievement--for a whole hour, repeatedly asking the same thing even when she had already answered the question. To Jenny's credit, she didn't cry, although she was getting pretty distraught. My brother pretended to sleep through the whole thing.
After Jenny left, my parents called my brother (who is in his late twenties) for three hours, where, presumably, they were voicing their 'concerns and advice' regarding Jenny.
My parents have never, ever, ever judged any of the four girls I've brought home. I always took this to mean that they were pretty laid back about the type of girls we ended up dating, but it seems based on Jenny that they're not. I've heard some pretty horrible stories about mother-in-law vs daughter-in-law dynamics in Chinese families before, and I'd rather avoid any unneeded friction.
What do you do when your parents start judging your girlfriend as a prospective daughter-in-law?
Well your older brother, from what I could gather, is most likely in his late 20's or early 30's..which is prime time for marrying in Asian families. So, naturally your mother is going to look at any potential daughter in laws like a hawk and make absolutely sure that the girl in question is suitable for stability and familial virtues.
I think next time you or your brother(s) bring a girl home, they should probably make it clear whether they plan to marry or not. Especially if you're of marrying age.
Source: am Asian as well. Asian families are infamous for putting pressure on school, but I think pressure for marrying is even worse x_x
I respectfully told my family, "You either show her the same respect you show me, or we can go our separate ways. I will not allow my wife to be disrespected in this way by you or anyone else."
It worked for me, but the culture(?) in my family is such that spouses come before everyone else including your parents.
Just don't bring any back home until you know they are the one. If they love her great. If not then you only have to fight one battle and since she is the one then you'll always win that battle unless your folks are really really nuts.
Mom's will almost always hate on GF's of their son. I'm Chinese and a first son, but my parents have always been cool with girls I bring home/introduce them too. Your mom just being overly protective and a lil nasty because of that.
"What do you do when your parents start judging your girlfriend as a prospective daughter-in-law?" Be afraid, be very afraid. "my brother's just dating Jenny for the easy lays," too funny and probably answers the prospective daughter in-law question
He could uhh you know stand up for her. Why doesnt this happen? If my parents ever wanted to be part of my life, they would cut that shit out real fast.
my mom would just cockblock me the whole time and probably love any girl I brought home but make fun of me. to girl: "How'd you end up with THAT nerd [me]? Did he even tell you he watches koreans play brood war?"
and if it was serious (like gf of 2 years or close-to-marriageable girl) out would come the childhood stories.
I think it's just very interesting to note (for those generalizing about asian mothers, whether it's true or not) that Shady's parents never voiced concerns about Shady's girlfriends. Well...maybe it's because they thought Shady wasn't serious but they think his older brother is serious about that girlfriend, even though (as mentioned int he OP) the brother just wanted an easy lay or whatever.
Don't bring any girls home until you are ready to get married in your late thirties, then your parents will be so happy you have brought someone home to meet them, they won't care who it is.
On February 12 2013 12:21 deathly rat wrote: Don't bring any girls home until you are ready to get married in your late thirties, then your parents will be so happy you have brought someone home to meet them, they won't care who it is.
LOL that's a slick one haha. Makes sense. "My goodness, why won't he/she marry?! It's getting so late!!"
On February 12 2013 12:21 deathly rat wrote: Don't bring any girls home until you are ready to get married in your late thirties, then your parents will be so happy you have brought someone home to meet them, they won't care who it is.
I was expecting my parents to turn into what you had here. Granted I'm much younger, and 1 year relationship. That said, its a pretty serious relationship for the age, and my parents ended up loving my girlfriend and her family enjoys my company. My family has never done anything like that to her, her family has done stuff like that to me, except it wasn't them as much as just asking me who I am and such the first time I went to their house. I'll be honest, the only real thing I've ever had like this is my grandmother avoiding my gf because the doesn't want me to grow up and my dad telling me that she should convert to my families religion. Your parents definitely put on the traditional asian in-law hats for this. EDIT: Wait, why did your bro bring this girl home if he is in it to get it in? Seems like that is kind of counter-intuitive since it is much easier to keep it romantic if he keeps everything between them rather than opening it up so that the relationship encompasses more people. I sense your brother has made a grave mistake .
EPT
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