EPTI like to impress them, stand out against them. I don´t want to be equal, because I actually think they´re idiots. No, they´re not my friends. I keep them thinking that way, because I like to play with people, because I´m smart and powerful. They don´t think so, either. We just hang around, play games, talk shit. It´s like we all actually despise each other, but in some way we´re also stuck together. Maybe it´s because we´re very similar in our personalities, life-styles, interests, and mostly in our weaknesses, our insecurities, our frustration. It´s tough looking in half a dozen mirrors, when you don´t like yourself. So we take turns in being picked on by the rest of the group, to make them feel like they´re not at the end of the food chain, which we are. Friends do that, right? Well, we aren´t friends. It´s a stupid girl-word, anyway.
I always liked stories where buff outcast guys beat many foes and finish them with a smart one-liner. It makes them stand out, like I want to. They don´t want trouble, but are attacked because they are different, and because they don´t care, and because nobody accepts them the way they are, but they´re better off alone, anyway. They don´t need anybody. Does Wolverine have any friends? I don´t think so. But he´s way cooler than all the other guys. And he could get the chicks, if he cared enough.
I also like music, most of it featuring guitars and screaming how you just cannot take it anymore. I listen to it all day, but don´t remember any other lyrics. I understand they are angry and so am I and that´s what´s important, the feel to it. I often imagine I was the guy on stage with a huge crowd in front of me. And they all think I´m awesome. But I´m kind of worried since I´m getting older and fewer people around me listen to this kind of music. I mean, it could be my thing, you know, like I don´t care what they say. But what if they say I´m stuck on my teenage life? I´ll probably switch to something else, less mainstream, more distinguished. I´ll browse some forums and look for something exotic and listen to it secretly for a while, and when I know my way around, I´ll claim that I have listened to that forever and that other stuff, no, that´s for angry kids. It can be stressful to find the right music that makes people appreciate you. Of course there are other songs I like, like Whiter Shade of Pale, which my mom loved to death. It sounds real deep, but I don´t tell anyone, because then they´d take it away from me.
So, I´m in college, yeah. It was cool in the beginning. Getting out of school, you know, moving away from home, leaving behind your pitiful, immature, unpopular and ridiculed self to become a new person. Fresh, smart, not giving a shit, doing your thing, not participating. I quickly realized that many people tried that, people I despise, and I was one of them. Again. In beginning, I felt good sitting in the canteen, for myself, reading Russian novels like you´re supposed to on my i-Pad, hoping somebody would look over my shoulder and raise an eyebrow, curious as to what lays beneath my rather unspectacular outer shell. Maybe a girl, the cute librarian type, which is a total slut, but in a submissive way. Nobody ever looked and I was as lonely as ever.
I started gaming, a lot. That´s how I found the people I hang out with (not friends!). We don´t just play video games, and don´t like to be associated with those “Modern Warfare 5: Testicle Assault “-Jocks. We game (not play!) for real, not to kill time, but because we´re invested in it. My grades have suffered a lot from it, but what can I do? Get a shitty degree for a shitty job to pay for a shitty life? Sounds awesome. So I play games instead, something I love and which I´m good at, big deal. It´s important to me, though I´d probably deny it, if a girl ever asked me about it outside my clique. I don´t know where my life will go and, frankly, I don´t care, because life has never given two shits about me, either. I´m just so angry and I don´t know why. I can be a dick at times, but I´m totally misunderstood. I just want to get recognized. I failed at that in RL, big surprise. But on the internet I am someone, except I´m not.
Starcraft really is the thing, you know, takes skill, makes you feel powerful and smart when you win. But too many people play this game who really shouldn´t. Like Trevor that cheesy motherfucker. I didn´t lose, he just went for blind DT and I forgot an ebay because of how bad he was. I´d totally own him in a bo21. Toss takes no skill anyway. Trevor got a girlfriend now. No wonder, gel-haired, rim-glassed rich kid little prick that he is. Needless to say we don´t hang out a lot anymore. And when we do, he pretends like he still cares, as if we depended on his attention or some shit. Trevor the traitor. He wasn´t hardcore anyway, not like the Korean pro-gamers. I like those.
Maybe I´ll get into that K-Pop stuff they run before games. It´s cheesy and girly and all, but in a “you don´t get it”-way, like tight jeans. And they´re hot, like, jerk-off hot. In a lot of ways they´re like Starcraft players: They basically all look alike, doing the same stuff, but you randomly pick one, saying you like them for their particular style. And since everybody else must be doing it that way, nobody will question you. That and it makes you feel kind of distinguished. Maybe I could get to know an Asian girl through the music, like, I understand you and stuff, we´re so similar. Asian chicks are hot, especially Japanese. In porn, they´re so submissive, like they know they´re getting what they deserve. Otherwise I usually look for abuse or hate, where women shut up and know their role. Not like in RL where they talk and laugh and make you look like an idiot. Asians don´t do that, I suppose.
Korean progaming is really the best thing that happened to me in long while. It structures your day, you know. Like you know when it´s on and then you´re on. And it´s the hardest esport with Koreans being the best, no need to know much more about it. I know people suck compared to Korean pro-gamers, so by getting behind them, I can call everybody bad without being better than them, which is very satisfying for my constantly wounded pride, because I lose a lot on ladder. It´s like this big traditional thing, like a Karate dojo, where everyone is serious and as long as you keep bowing to your superiors you can shit on everyone else. Because of tradition. You´re always right with tradition, nobody can touch you, finally. And Korean pro-gamers are like those Karate dudes. I mean the original ones, who played till they fell asleep, the kespa guys. I always imagined their training like those shaolin chambers where the few who survive it become superheroes of sorts. But mainly I like them because I can look down on others by virtue of their superior, more manly tradition.
As a kid already, I liked comparing my dad to other dads and say how he was stronger. It made me feel powerful, though I was not the strong one. I kept doing that for a while after dad had left, but people just used it to provoke me. But they knew I was right. Therapist said I was compensating, but he knew nothing about me. And now, in some internet forum, I have the stronger dad again and it feels just as good as then.
I really should be a pro-gamer, and I probably could, but people here suck and I don´t have the money to move to Korea. I would, of course, but I´m content bitching about how everybody sucks around here. It gives me certain balance in life, like, if I went to Korea, who would I look down on in order to feel good? But, man, I´d be a great pro-gamer. I´d be like the only foreigner on a Korean A-team. The girls would be crazy, because there I would not small and ordinary, but exotic. I wouldn´t care, of course, in a not-gay way, because I would be a gamer-shaolin within a strict tradition. And I´d get in shape, like Best. Only that I wouldn´t suck. And then there would be a thread about my body, but I wouldn´t care. And I would get sent to tournaments and the announcer chicks would get all nervous, but I´d just smile assuringly, showing some manners, so they get over their nervousness and ask me for a drink after the show, being all thankful and nervous again, in a good way. Fool around a little, you know. And Tossgirl would two-rax me and I would scout it and then type in chat: “Nice racks” That would be sweet.
So, yeah, you probably don´t know me, but now you do, a little only, because I´m actually too deep for people to get. I´m that guy in LR threads who posts FUCK YEAH, [random non-favorite]!!! whenever a crowd favorite gets eliminated by a random guy nobody cares about. Even if I liked the favorite better, I prefer to be different, recognizable. And then I pretend to have been a fan of that guy since forever. It changes every week, but it´s fun. Like taking something away from somebody. I imagine hurting the feelings of those who are emotionally invested in their hobby, because I am jealous. I am not emotionally invested in anything but self-pity and need to vent my frustration, because my life took a few wrong turns, which was not my mistake in any way, shape, or form.
I´m the guy that gets behind unpopular issues, always defending the unpopular opinion. Not because I care, but because I want to be recognized. So please, recognize me. And the next time you get abused by a random smug kid on the internet with low self-esteem that couldn´t look you in the eye, if you ever met in RL, remember, it could be me. So don´t hate on me, before I hated on you first.
gg yo
. OH well
