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Its not quite a girl blog but its a problem I've been thinking about a lot in the past few days and I think some other opinions would really help.
Here's the background.
So I'm in my first year of university right now, in our first year we live in university accommodation, mine is a few streets filled with student flats with probably a couple of thousand first years all living together, so its pretty cool and a good way to make new friends and have fun for your first year of university.
Its not really relevant but my flat is probably the worst I've seen. Its got 10+ people in it but about 3/4 of them are antisocial and 1/2 of them are antisocial and untidy. I don't mind untidiness but if you never leave the flat, except for lectures, you could at least tidy up after yourself.
Anyway in 2nd year most students move into rented flats. Living in university accomodation is great socially but there are a lot of rules and living in a flat with some close friends sounds way better. Also its a lot cheaper.
The Problem
Since I've come to university I've made a few close friends that I'd like to live with, there's friend's A and B who are my flatmates and friend C who lives a nearby flat that I get along really well with. There is also friend D who lives in the same flat as friend C atm, he's the problem.
I think friend D is overall a decent guy, most of my friends agree 1-on-one he's a lot better, but he has so many issues, especially in group situations.
-He's bad when he drinks. When he gets really drunk, which is most times he drinks, he can be an asshole and aggressive, mostly to strangers although he has had arguments with his flatmates and made holes in his bedroom walls.
-He clearly has some self esteem issues and these manifest themselves in aggression, being over-competitive and making snide comments putting friends down. This is my far my biggest problem with him, that kind of attitude is just toxic.
-He bullshits a lot. This a fairly recent one but he keeps talking about subjects (everything from chemistry to proper form in the gym) that he clearly doesn't know much about but acts like he does. Its getting pretty grating.
So I want to live with friend's A, B & C and none of us wants to live with him but how do we tell him? He hasn't really got anybody else to live with since the one other person he could live with has already arranged to live with some people who don't want to live with friend D.
I think the best way to just tell him that we're going to start looking for a house and we don't want to live with him but focus mainly on the drinking issues as reasons. If he says he'll change we just have to stay firm and say we don't want to risk it because we all know he's not actually going to change.
Some of my friends want to just start looking for a flat, put down a deposit and then tell him once that's sorted. But I think that just delays the awkward conversation and makes it so much worse when it happens because he'll realise we went behind his back for months or find out without us telling him.
So I'm wondering what other people would do and what would you actually say when you were telling him that you aren't going to be living with him next year?
Cliffs
-Moving into flat next year
-I want to live with friends A, B & C
-None of us want to live with friend D but he has somebody else to live with.
-How do we tell him?
 
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"We don't want to live with you, because <insert-what-you-wrote-here>".
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I don't think you can tell the D guy to just move out of his flat because you don't like him.
The best way to solve the situation imho is to search for a new flat, say you with A and B, and then C tells him "hey dude, the OP, A and B are moving into a new flat and I'm going with them, see you!". Case solved, and you don't need to call the guy names or anything.
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Just look for a 4 man flat and tell him you don't have room.
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So D is StateOfReverie? 
Also, I think you meant to say D has nobody else to live with, right? I think Ender985's solution would be all right. Of course etting a 4 people flat and saying it's full would also work, as AFKing pointed out.
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dont say anything until he asks. it's not like youre obligated to live with him. just try to get it done asap and if he says anything just say that you guys found a 3br place that's such a good deal you'd be dumb to pass up. if he continues to pester you, just kindly inform him that he is a bit of a tool
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Either start phasing him out of your weekends or let him live with you.
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On January 16 2013 00:13 AFKing wrote:
Just look for a 4 man flat and tell him you don't have room.
Simple as that.
Don't overthink problems.
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I think it depends on whether you still want to be friends with D. If, not, it can be quite simple, like most people said, but he may not take it that well. If you still want to hang out with the guy but just doesn't want to live with him, things can get a little more tricky.
It's hard to say, because living arrangements really don't work the same way over here, but it can't be impossible for him to find somewhere else to live if you "dump" him. If he is THAT annoying, it may even be good for him.
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Just tell him something convincing or the truth
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Are A and B friends of D?
Just tell him that you want to foucs on studying next semester and therfore you dont want morethan two other people in your flat because it becomes way to disturbing.
If A and B aren´t friends with D tell him they got a flat for them and asked you to move in.
In each case you should tell him right away so he can find someone else to live with.
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Don't put up with bullshit. I don't you about your situation as well as you do, but don't make next year miserable just so someone's feelings aren't hurt
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I'm kind of surprised with the response that I got here. I was sure that being straight up was the best way but now I'm doubting it.
For some more background me and friends A, C & D spend quite a lot of time together. Friend B has other close friends so we spend less time with her. That's why I don't like the idea of getting a flat first because friend D will wonder why we're moving into a 4 person flat with B instead of him.
On January 15 2013 22:09 Ender985 wrote:
I don't think you can tell the D guy to just move out of his flat because you don't like him.
The best way to solve the situation imho is to search for a new flat, say you with A and B, and then C tells him "hey dude, the OP, A and B are moving into a new flat and I'm going with them, see you!". Case solved, and you don't need to call the guy names or anything.
If we were to take the go behind back route I think this suggestion is the best, I lived with A & B for this year and we get along really well together, either all of us or 2 of us could look for a flat with just enough space for the others.
On January 16 2013 02:27 SKC wrote:
I think it depends on whether you still want to be friends with D. If, not, it can be quite simple, like most people said, but he may not take it that well. If you still want to hang out with the guy but just doesn't want to live with him, things can get a little more tricky.
It's hard to say, because living arrangements really don't work the same way over here, but it can't be impossible for him to find somewhere else to live if you "dump" him. If he is THAT annoying, it may even be good for him.
Honestly as he is right now it wouldn't hurt me if he didn't want to be friends with me anymore, but I also don't want to be an asshole and drive him away any more than deciding not to live with him would. We've never really sat down to talk with him and tell him he needs to change. That was a mistake but really its too late now, the talk needs to happen at some point and I'm guessing him finding out he's not living with him is going to lead up to that but I have my doubts over whether he can change and I don't want to find out he can't once we've signed contracts for a years rent.
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if this guy is a second year student then i doubt he will ever change, people seem to stop changing pretty early on. in other words i wouldn't even bother giving him another shot, he probably doesn't deserve it, and you shouldn't owe it to him if he put you through all that shit.
if he is going to change his ways at all (which i doubt) then it will probably be by experiencing something traumatizing like getting kicked out of his flat, who knows maybe in the grand scheme of things you will be doing him a favor.
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On January 16 2013 10:47 TerranosaurusWrecks wrote:
if this guy is a second year student then i doubt he will ever change, people seem to stop changing pretty early on. in other words i wouldn't even bother giving him another shot, he probably doesn't deserve it, and you shouldn't owe it to him if he put you through all that shit.
if he is going to change his ways at all (which i doubt) then it will probably be by experiencing something traumatizing like getting kicked out of his flat, who knows maybe in the grand scheme of things you will be doing him a favor.
He's 18 so I'd say he has time. We're both first years but I'm a year older and when I think about where I was when I was 18 its amazing to think how much I've changed in such a short space of time.
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EPT
