EPTWhen I walked in we greeted by just about every relative on our moms side we had. We all hugged and said our hellos, and then made our way to where our grandpa sat struggling to breathe in his big Lazboy. The chair dwarfed the once great man, his frail frame almost skeletal in appearance, barring his distended legs and loose jowls. The sickness that had been ravaging body left little health for him to hold onto.
I knelt down beside him as my aunt loudly announced my presence to him. He didn't turn his head even as I patted his arm and said hello. He just continued to struggle for breath, my aunt's words were probably not even heard. Along with all the other maladies he's had to deal with, his vision and hearing is mostly left him as well. I'm in a suit, probably the only time he would ever have seen me in one. And something that would have made him so proud. But he can't see me. And he can't hear me as I tell him how good it is to see him.
All my aunt's eyes are red and swollen. They know there's not much time left. My grandma looks exhausted, She's been taking care of him almost entirely on her own the last several months. Her sister is there too, having come up earlier in the week to help out. She doesn't look much better than anyone else.
It's around 9 when we begin the arduous task of transferring my grandpa into the bed just recently delivered into the main floor by a homecare doctor. It takes just about all of us to get him lying down comfortably. We stand around for a while as my aunts all get teary eyed. Eventually most of us disperse throughout the house, finding some food, or taking care of other thins we haven't had a chance to.
Around 11 my aunt bursts into the room. In a strangled voice she summons everyone around my grandpa's bed. There's about 12 of us, jammed around the bed, me and my younger brother at the foot of it. His breath is slowing, and his pulse is too. My grandpa is dying. Everyone around me has broken down into tears as we watch the last of his life drain away. My grandma is bent over him letting him it's ok, that we'll be ok. My uncle, who I've never seen any emotion out of ever, is bawling collapsed on top of him. Two of my cousins can't take it and have to rush out of the room, only to come back seconds later.
All around him everyone is telling him they love him, and that they'll miss him. Tears are streaming. I stand there, struggling to hold in my own, mostly unsuccessfully. I open my mouth, and try to tell my grandpa how much I love him, and what a great man I think he is, but nothing comes out. And nothing does. I stand there, holding back my tears, and I can't say anything.
And then its over. My grandpa has passed away. I've watched the proudest man I've ever met, reduced to a pale shadow of his former greatness, and then watched the life drain out of him.
After I leave the room the emotions come rushing in. I pull out my phone to try to call my older brother and as I do I start to cry, choking on my tears. My younger brother who has followed me out of the room has also succumb to emotion, his eyes red and his face soaked in tears.
As I write this blog, I have to pause every few minutes as the now familiar feeling of the knot in my throat and stinging of eyes threatens to overwhelm me. I know that there really couldn't have been a better way for things to end. He died with all of his loved ones around him, he died quickly, and he died fairly painlessly. And I know, after months of pain and months of being unable to take care of himself, my proud grandpa is now finally at peace. But its still painful and I still miss him.
I wish I had been able to tell him before he died what a great man he is, and how much I loved him. I wish he could have seen me in a suit, and wish that he could have seen all his grandchildren and relatives around him. As he lay there in his last few minutes his mouth moved and he tried to say something, but nothing would come out. I wanted him to know that we all know he loved us and how proud of all us he was.
As tears stream down my fact I say the goodbye I couldn't yesterday. Grandpa, I love you. You were a great man, and you accomplished so much. I've always admired you and I will miss you more than words can say. Rest in Peace. I know you'll always be there.
