EPTI always thought my last cigarette would be something I remember. A story to tell my grandchildren about the day I won and how good that last cigarette felt. Truth is, I've had a few too many last cigarettes, and I can't remember a single one of them.
I tried quitting through betting (my other addiction) and nicotine won. I've tried quitting through promising and nicotine won. I've tried quitting through setting goals or what I thought would be a realistic 'deadline' and nicotine won. I've tried quitting with help of electronic cigarettes and nicotine won. I've tried quitting through announcing "publicly" that I am trying to quit, like I am now, putting my pride on the line, and still, motherf*cking nicotine won. I've tried quitting over and over and nicotine usually always, quite easily wins.
What's different this time? nooooooot super sure. The reason I quit this time however, might be the one reason that is valid and I should probably listen to. This time I didn't set myself any goals, I just quit, I have no idea what my last cigarette was or where I smoked it, I know that it was during my last streaming session 2-3 days ago. I also know that at some point I went for a second cigarette and ended up not smoking it, perhaps more significant than my "last" cigarette was the one that I didn't smoke and is still sitting on a table... Oh yeah, the reason I quit is I got sick, a cold, or "the nerd flu" as drewbie calls it, happens every other time I go to an event full of nerds, in this case IPL. This time however, combined with the fact that it was at vegas and I drank and smoked A LOOOOOOOOOOT, hit me quite hard.
The night before I quit smoking, and the night that I quit smoking, I barely got any sleep, I coughed like crazy and my chest was so closed I had to get up randomly so that I could breathe a bit more (whenever I layed down, I could barely breathe) in these last few days, every time I laugh I cough so hard it hurts and I can't stop it, its a big annoyance because I enjoy laughing, its kind of my thing. I haven't played a single game of sc2 in the last 2-3 days, I didn't want to have to deal with the stress of winning or losing and not being able to reward myself with my standard 4 minutes (step out for a smoke).
You see to me, smoking isn't JUST about the nicotine, the real addiction and hard part for me will be filling those empty gaps where I got 4 minutes 10-20 times a day to just sit and relax on my own. I find it incredibly hard to do this on my own (just sit down and chill for a short period of time) Al tough physically I am not very active (partly because smoking counters this), my brain is quite the opposite, and I always like to be doing something, idling isn't my thing. When I win a good game, I like to go out for a cigarette and relax and think of how good I did, pad myself in the back and rescue the better things of that game, is it actually a viable strat? how can I make it even better? should I try it again next game? what if I skip a pair of lings and make an extra drone?. Of course when I lose a game, I -rarely- watch replays (except for zvz lately cause I was a bit lost there) I just go for a cigarrette and 'replay' the game in my head, figure out my mistakes, come back and know what to fix. If you watch my stream you may have noticed this, A lot of the time i'll say why I lost or be excited about trying something next game after a cigarrette break. For these reasons, I avoided playing the game for a couple days, I think not smoking in between games will be extra hard.
I think that to replace this I will work on a different way of analyzing my play, perhaps more interactively. I think I will start analyzing replays more often, sort of like a different version of "inside my head", i'll figure that out.
I hope I can stick through it this time, I hope I can stop smoking cause I really hate feeling like shit and smoking does that to you. I want to start being healthier and even though I think it might hurt my play and my state of mind for now, I think in the long run it'll make me better in every aspect, just gotta figure out how to replace smoking. Quitting smoking for those of you who may not understand it, is like ending a shitty but long relationship, you know its for the best, but its still hard as f*ck and you'll miss it.
For now, I feel better than the last couple of days and so I think i'll go stream for a while (twitch.tv/rootcatz)
NOTE IN CASE YOU NOT VERY SMART: may not be streaming at the time you read this.
original post at: www.root-gaming.com
