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I have a short temper. It causes me to fly off the handle at people, to view them as lower than me when they do anything wrong, no matter how small. It makes me see people as less than what they are, but in fact, I'm the lowest of the low. I am a metaphorical shitstain on the history of humanity's genepool, and I don't deserve to think less of anyone. At least they have the chance to change, to become better than what they are and move forward in their lives. Me? I'll always be a subhuman parasite, clinging to the success of others and struggling desperately to be something more than what I am, failing more swiftly with each successive attempt.
People deserve what they get, based on who they really are. Good people deserve all the good things that come their way. They deserve the happy ending, people who love them, success, and everything in between. People like me...
People like me deserve the rest. Falling flat on my face time and time again. Failing to be useful, respectable, likable. Ending up ignored and despised. I deserve all the suffering and shit that I get dragged through on a daily basis. Because at my core, I am a terrible person, rotten and despicable in every way. I don't deserve the good ending, I deserve the route that ends with tears and pain.
I just can't stand it anymore. I'm talking to others less, and myself more. I can't stop envisioning the act of taking my own life, whether I want to or not. All my dreams shift into nightmares, and don't leave me when I wake. I'm screaming inside of my own skull, wishing that anything - everything was different. But it isn't. And I deserve it.
There's nothing more to say. I've come to the end.
 
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I was commenting on your rage in the QQ thread to some people on Teamspeak yesterday, and while funny, honestly your seeming depression really shows through.
I don't pretend to be in any way a medical professional (yet) but based solely on the looks of everything you've been posting lately, you should probably go seek professional help.
I have dealt with depression (both my own to some degree and others) and can tell you that no one deserves to genuinely feel the way you appear to be feeling all the time, and there are steps you can take to correct/improve your situation.
As one of my very few stream watchers, I wouldn't want anything to happen to you or for you to feel badly, 'cause then who would watch my stream?
But seriously man, it might be a long road ahead but know there IS hope for you and the thoughts you've been considering are never the right answer.
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We all have those days. Those moments when everyone, for whatever reason, just makes you feel like shit. You replay moments back over your mind, thinking, "Wow, why can't I just manage to fit in? Why does everyone else seem to know the rules of the game?" It sucks. Really. The world is just distant, cold and there's so, so much that could be better with seemingly no effort. Despite that, we watch fanatics and fools pass over those more qualified. "It's life." That doesn't help, but it's the only think that can be said.
I think when we have these feelings, though, it's wrong. We need to feel them, but they're still wrong. My advice is to get angry, really angry, and channel it into something good. My novel is going well. I'm not crafting something horrible--like some insane playbook--but I'm channeling my frustrations. And that's what needs to happen. That's my advice. Not to forget your frustrations, not to let them slide, but to own them positively. Suicide, self hatred and the like don't let you do anything but imagine your own downfall. That seems appealing, but it's more a matter of taking control of those small facets of life which remain untouched, somehow pure, in the fact of the turmoil the rest of your day faces. You're not going to be happy doing anything other than owning yourself and your (re)actions.
I speak as someone who once lived, briefly, on a razor's edge. My life is not the greatest there's ever been, but I believe it gets better. I feel it. I know it. Vent, rage and, shit, even cry. Fact is, the world might not recognize you--it might, never--but people you care about can. You can. In the end, that's what matters.
If you want to PM, I'd welcome that.
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You know, coming out and saying this stuff mean that you can change too.
its hard to be critical of yourself.
that being said, if you think it may be depression, then you need to know one thing.. It's not your fault!
sure theres something you can do about it, and you probably should, just for yourself to have a more balanced life.
get help, dont be ashamed, everything can only get better.
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While I haven't dealt much with you, I still remember you from League GD and it's sad to hear that someone - no matter how few relation there is - has such feelings. Depending on whether you're okay with that or not (medical) professional help could be your best option at this point.
If you don't see that as something suitable for you, are there any RL friends you feel comfortable talking to? If yes, you could talk to them.
If that is no option either you could try posting (anonymously with a throwaway account if you want to) on http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch or something similar. Another option would be calling a crisis/suicide hotline that's in charge of your area. Here is a link to what you can expect and can not expect from such a call.
(<3)
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"suicide is not the answer"-huskystarcraft. Don't do it. hold on. Been close to where you are before... It does get better if you persevere and work.. i think in only rare occasions is suicide acceptable.
"life is hard if you think it is"
Also, riddle me this, is life serious or not serious?
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You can be a good person if you want to be. All you have to do is act like a good person. It takes a constant effort, but it's worth it, and anyone can do it. You can start right now if you want to.
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I think you should be a bit less cryptic if you want some useful advice. Honestly, talking about being suicidal is only going to make people take pity on you, not very useful. If you don't like who you are, you change, small step after small step, growing towards the image of people you respect. No-one's ever done.
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I never noticed this, you always seemed upbeat and enjoyable to converse with to me 
Sorry if you're going through hard times get better! :D
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/d33uf.jpg)
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I hope you get what you deserve.
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This was the QQ thread I deserved, but not the one I need right now.
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Just a note. He plays LoL.
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In a way you are getting what you deserve. Self-fulfilling prophecies can be difficult enough to overcome, but to handicap yourself is just destructive. If you seal yourself off, you'll probably keep feeling alone. If you tell yourself how much you suck, that's just pouring gasoline into the fire. If you convince yourself that your path leads to tears, you will continue to cry.
You have ultimate power over your own destiny (please, no stupid counterexamples of extremes like wanting to be a billionaire or whatever). Reasoning with people who are in the deep pits is not easy, but the bottom line is if you sit around beating yourself up with no real initiative to improve things, nothing will improve, and all will probably worsen. You are both your worst enemy and your greatest ally. We cannot help you in any significant way. It's time to tighten that belt.
There's nothing more to say. I've come to the end.
If I were a betting man I'd say probably not?
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Bluntly put. I think you should look into therapy. You never struck me as bad guy so don't beat yourself up. If anything, it's good that you're trying to be (albeit, overly) self critical.
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EPT
