EPTOver time, I have made strong mental pushes for realism, excellence, and to never be satisfied.
These things together, created for me a very depressing environment to live in. Because I held myself to a standard of excellence, while maintaining a realistic view of myself in any "skill", I was essentially telling myself I am terrible at everything I do. I get mid 80%'s in my grades at high school, in all honesty this is above average, however when I use 90%'s as my measuring stick, I put myself down for not having performed well enough, or that I am simply stupid. I have been playing piano for 9 years, the trumpet for 6, because of the sheer amount of time I have put into these instruments, I know I am decent, however when I try to play a Rachmaninov piece and fail, and use it as a measuring stick for skill, I am left with the impression that I am lacking. I suck at Starcraft. 2 weeks ago, I was in the top 1,000 of NA in rank. Then, in combination of having my computer time restricted by my parents for a week and having to study for various tests in school, I dropped down to 10,000. I know I am actually incredibly good at the game in comparison to the community at large, but when I use grandmasters as the stick to measure myself with, I can't help but to feel inferior. I feel like an unfriendly person. In actuality, I have a rather large group of friends, and I like most of them. But again, holding myself up to the highest standards, of the groups with the pretty girls, the smart guys, and the athletically inclined people, I feel like, wow this is shit.
These things together, are creating an environment for me that is incredibly self negative. Yet they are fundamentally good things. To be realistic in all things, this is good. To strive for excellence in all that you do, this is good. To never be satisfied, this is not only a part of the human brain, but good as well.
The reason humans are so highly advanced, is that at some point, there was a gene in the brain that kept asking "how can I make this better?" With these apes making their life better with tools, better social skills, better food gathering techniques, they would eventually pass down their genes to the next generation who would ask "How can we make these tools better, these hunting techniques better...?" Humanities greatest strength, is also it's greatest weakness it seems. As this dis-satisfaction with everything leads to sadness when ultimately, we must fail at some point.
As with every blog that deals with emotions, I end up at this point, where I no more thoughts to contribute to the blog. Yet, even though the blog is like a dominant chord, unresolved, I feel like posting it, playing the chord.
Two quotes:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson
This quote deals a lot with god, regardless of whether or not you believe in a deity, this quote holds power. You can warp it anyway you want, you can replace the word god with the universe if you want to.
“As you think, so shall you become.” - Bruce Lee
I like all of Bruce Lee's quotes. Great man. Great inspiration.
, the thing about self-esteem is that you don't appreciate yourself, meaning that despite all your efforts to your "eyes" you will still be average. Also there is the confidence factor, if you don't have any self esteem, well your confidence will go low, and by consequence you will never believe you can achieve greatness. I was like this once, and then I realised I was sending the wrong signals to others around me, hence they also thought of me as an average person. I strongly recommend you stop this, its good that you push yourself to the limits and always try to be the best at what you do and like, but do this by setting goals, once you set goals and start to achieve them you will feel super confident and happy, also you will get your self esteem back which in mi opinion is important in life. You see you have a good thing in your life, you are not happy by being average but I think your approach is the incorrect one, do that stuff for you not for anybody else, and get happy about the progress you make, but always push the envelope, you never know where you can go. But don't be destructive on the processes 
