EPTI didn't feel much when she was saying it, truth be told. I didn't feel anything. I was just thinking to myself, feel something, you should be feeling sad, embrace it. More than anything, I wanted to fix it. But I recognized that look. That look, a girl gives when you tell her to give it another chance; when she looked away in what seemed to be deep thought, I knew it was over, I knew she was determined, and there was nothing I could do. I told her to keep quiet, to take off her clothes and lie on her back. I gave her the best massage ever (She loved my massages!). Tears and sorrow. I walked out of the room, into the darkness, and I sat down. I felt comfortable, alone in the dark. My memory has always been very bad, but I forced my self. Remember. Remember all the good times.
I remember the time when we first met. It was a friend's birthday party, and I went there to get some poon tang. My plans came to a halt when everyone revealed they were really too young to hit the clubs, and that they were just going to go home. A girl named Sarah, who said casually, in some conversation we had about picking up girls from clubs, that "You're good looking, you don't need to go to clubs", started messaging me. She was supposed to hang out with the birthday girl, but it so happened that the birthday girl had a +1 who wanted to stay over. That +1 was creeping Sarah out by touching her thighs and telling her the things she was going to do to her at the stayover (Sarah is bi), so she started ranting about it to me.
I told her that I was going to go up to them, ask them for directions to the toilet, and she was going to bring me to the toilet to get away from her. She complied. So we went on a walk, and we talked about a lot of stuff, we got along pretty well instantly. She invited me to a party at her friends home, we made up an excuse to the birthday girl, individually, that we were tired and going home, and we left together.
The party sucked, and we decided, I don't know who made the idea, to go to the beach. So we hailed a cab, got a cab to stop at a nearby convenience store to get some booze, and headed out for the beach. We lay down on the sand, side by side, gazing at the moon, just like in the movies, and just talked. About life, about love, about family. I asked her, "So what are you going to do until the morning?"
She turned and looked at me long, and hard. She jumped on me, and then we made love, on the beach. We were pretty close after that, but we obviously not lovers then, but I made her my girlfriend immediately. (not officially a title recognized her Sarah at that time)
I remember our first date. We met at Shaw Centre, in Singapore, a place that many other dates will take place over the 15 months of our relationship. We were going to this nice restaurant called Canele to have dinner, when her friend, the birthday girl, called and told her she was close by. We decided to play a prank on her.
I excused myself to the wash room, and the birthday girl came and chatted with Sarah. (No one knew about us at that time, and the birthday girl didn't know I was there). I came to the table, said hi, sat next to Sarah and started making out with her, in front of the birthday girl. Her mind was blown.
Its all fuzzy because I've always had a bad memory, but some of it is coming back to me now. I remember right after our beach stint, I had sandfly bites all over my arms that would last for a month and make me look like I had some sort of STD. I remember those late nights after school, where she'd pick me up from her school and bring me out on dates.
I remember it now. We met on June 30th. On July 15th, her birthday, I brought her to universal studios. She was so happy. She told me that was really the best day of her life. I remember on July 17th after a passionate night, I asked her again if she wanted to be my girlfriend, and she gladly replied, yes.
I remember that from the beginning of the relationship, she put in her all, and I gave her so much shit, asking to break up within two weeks. I remember her voice after I told her I cheated on her, an hour after I cheated on her.
I remember that smile, the way the her beautiful, perfect pearly front set of teeth would show, and the way the corners of her mouth would form into a beautiful smile. It's so beautiful. There's so much beauty in this world.
I remember all the times I made her cry, lashing out all that anger that I've carried all my life in me, onto her, the one person that was always there for me, and loved me more than anything else.
I remember how I felt when she hugged me to sleep. I'd snuggle on her chest and find a sweet spot, and just hear her heart beating, feel the warmth of her body. I never had much of a mother, and my father never made me feel safe. But I felt safe in her arms, I've never felt so safe and calm before, all that anger just disappeared, I'll never know, but maybe that's what it feels like to be hugged by a mother who loves you.
The past months, I knew deep down, that she was slipping away. Not as a friend, but as a partner. I just could feel it, through her kisses, through the diminishing intimacy, that it was no longer the same. Just two weeks ago, I thought to myself. What if Sarah died, what if she got run over by a truck, or what if I never saw her again. I thought of the past 15 months with her. Maybe we had 3 months of good memories, but the other 12 was really just me giving her shit. I wish sincerely, with all my heart, that I could turn back time and turn all those memories into good memories, and make her a happy girl. She didn't have the happiest life, she too, like me, belonged to an abusive family, but she knew how to smile.
I remember the day when she didn't reply my texts. The only day ever. That was on the 25th of January. I thought she ditched me. It turned out she got hospitalised for Pneumonia. She was begging me to come to meet her in the hospital, but I chided her, for her parents were around and I didn't want them to know I exist. I regret that. On the 27th, my birthday, she ran out of the hospital to see me and attend my birthday dinner.
I remember one time, I looked back at how much Sarah had changed, from a ditsy young girl who only cared about expensive handbags, shoes and dresses, into a mature young lady, and I told my best friend about it. He told me this, "She changed for you dude..."
Fast forward to the present, I tried to get intimate with her, and she revealed to me that she wasn't into it anymore. This shocked me, because she was never, not into it. Then she cried and told me that she feels so terrible, and she just lost her attraction for me. She told me she didn't understand why, but she just didn't feel anything for me, and she thinks that we should break up. I ask her if there was someone else, but I knew deep down, there was no one else, it was all me.
It's been a bittersweet journey, usually I would say fuck this, I wish I never met you, but I cannot say that. Without her, I would have never made these 15 months. I felt so alive and happy, I looked forward to every week when she'd just bum in my home, and we'd roll around in bed, hug and cuddle. She gives the best hugs ever. Even now, I go through every week with the thought that I'd see her soon and hug her and kiss her and cuddle with her. I've thought about life with her in the future, and that's all I want, I want to marry her and have a stable family for once. She really is, and I say this from the bottom of my heart, the nicest person I've met in my 19 years of living.
I had a dream a week ago, I never told her this, but it was a good dream, a really good dream, one that I haven't had in many, many years of my 19 years on this miserable planet. I was going to watch a movie with my family, comprising my dad, and my sister, Sarah. I have no idea why she was my sister in the dream. Sarah followed me and we sneaked into some kids film and we just watched it. I felt so much love, I've never felt so much love in real life. I felt so loved. We left it and joined my dad at the ticketing counter, and my dad didn't want to watch the show we wanted to watch ( my dad is a huge dick who only does what he wants, and if he doesn't he'll just leave me alone), but I didn't care, because I had my Sarah next to me. I was looking forward to going into that theatre with her and hugging her while watching the movie, and feeling loved. Sarah, was, in reality as well, like family. Then real life came and someone called me to wake me up.
She hugged me, gave me a long kiss, and left. I looked at her through the gates of my house. Just before she left for the elevator, I blew a flying kiss and she caught it, and she blew it back to me. She left. I held onto the gates and shook it violently. I thought to myself, if this was some god damn movie this would have been one of those artistic scenes with hidden meaning. In the end, the only person that can free myself from my chains, from this anger and loneliness that imprisons me, is myself.
I always dream of a place like this , in this picture, with this music, a nice place that's all serene in the clouds and blue. A place that I'll be happy. When I was young I always wished that I'd have an angel set me free, show me the way and make me happy. In the end, like those god damn cliche movies, it was in front of me the whole time.
I lay in bed. Alone, I looked to my left, and I imagined her facing me, smiling at me. I looked again, and I was alone. She was always there for me, I remember so many time when I tried in my childishness to end it because I didn't get what I want, and she just calmed me down like a mother calming an angry child "Don't be silly, go to sleep and everything will go back to normal."
I'll end this off on this note, cherish those important to you, and don't vent your frustrations on those who care for you.
And a picture. This picture was framed up by my girlfriend as my Christmas present. I told her that I didn't like expensive gifts, so she wanted to do something symbolic for me. She painted my whole room, while I was away on holiday, and installed a shelf on top of my bed, because I had no table next to my bed and had a bad habit of throwing all my shit all over the place. Oh, and she hanged up photos of my favorite progamers on my wall, Boxer, MMA, Idra and Naniwa (Actually I liked Huk more, but she couldn't get a good Huk Photo) Something happened and that picture just dusted on the floor instead of the shelf, I can't remember, but she put it back, and while she was doing it, I was asleep, and she tripped on me and dropped the picture on me. I was pretty pissed off as hell, so she set it aside. A while later, we hired a part time maid, and the maid framed it next to my computer. It's still here. Good bye best friend, you gave me the best memories of my life.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/uC57I.jpg)
