EPTA little about: My friend in highschool wrote this like six years ago and I just re-read it. The humor is very highschoolish but if you have an open mind youll see the genius.
Disclaimer: There is a lot of immature jokes (social / farting / racial).. please don't take any of it seriously.
-Note: All material originally written by Jimmy Hu-
Yellow Boy
Epic Adventure of a F.O.B. in America
Previously at the end of Chapter 1:
"It was quite suprising that I woke up the next day. The strange thing was that I didn't know where I was. I looked around the room, it was white and I was sleeping in a king sized bed. But the weird thing was.. there's a lump of something under the sheet right next to me."
Chapter 2: The Land of Da Unknown
At that point I was scared.. What if it was some hairy milf? What if it was an old...man? I swiftly lifted up the cover, and the same time, jumped in the air with a crouching bear hidden wiener attack. Then I realized it was only Gabe. i was relieved. Then I noticed that our clothes were changed into tidy white pajamas, instead of our old 2-holed long underwear. THAT means some person changed for US?!! Wow, the thought of that was horrible yet possibly fantastic, not knowing who exactly our dresser was.
I quiety creeped out of the room, into a hallway that was dark and long. I found the path downstairs, and slowly creeped down the long but clean staircase. At that point, it felt as if I was in one of those scary movies where the asian guy gets eaten by a monster. I made my way down, and saw, sitting at a desk, was an attractive asian girl/lady with black hair like silk, and her expression and look of seductiveness sharply had my eyes fixed somewhere on her. As I walked closer, I could smell the fresh scent of something good, and suddenly, I felt like I was in heaven and was guided by a chinese angel awaiting some kind of action by me. She suddenly saw me and turned around and said, "so you've awaken, my COUSIN". I suddenly felt all the heavenly feeling go away, as if someone just tore out both of my precious jewels, and sticking some type of eating utensil, preferrably a fork, up my behind.
"You and your friend I hope have slept well, and are enjoying your new clothes, for your old ones were quite disgusting yet had interesting splotchy patterns and faint yellow ones too in the front and back, and I enjoyed washing them. Hehehehohohoho!"
I was shocked at what a crazy pinkberry my cousin was, and thought: "do all asian girls turn out like this in america?".
She quickly glanced at me with a smirk and said, "since you will be living in my house, you will be working, and I've planned an interview for you at the local ice cream shop. Learn english fluently by tomorrow, or your ass is mine, and I do mean literally mine by the way."
I had no choice. To escape the foot-massaging business in China, I will do whatever it takes, even if it means massaging other parts of the body or doing dirtywork instead in America.
We went to the video store that day, and got some english videos from every category, such as action, horror, and even the you-know-what section". We also bought some books online and studied our rectums off that night. By 3 AM the next morning, we were so tired that we had to pinkberry-slap each other give each other wedgies to stay awake. All that hard work paid off. The next morning we were able to speak basic english commands such as "hey!" and "peepee!" and "itchy over here!".
At 10 AM it was time for the interview. My cousin drove us to the shop, and escorted us to a luxurious room with glass walls inside the ice cream shop. We sat on the soft comfy sofa and waited for about 10 minutes. A brown man with curly hair, and a sharp chin came into the room, dressed in tuxedo." He was a stylish man, I was not sure what kind of man, he's not quite as black as a black, and not white like a white, yet not yellow like us. Then my cousin informed about his background. He was apparently one of those indians that you can't really ignore, his aura of sweat and curry was just to good to miss. Speaking of curry, Gabe did the exact same thing as he did on the airplane and said to him:
"Hi Curry Man!".
The beastly indian immediately gave Gabe a ravishous glare, and threw a punch at his balls. What came out of Gabe's mouth was not a scream, it wasn't even a squeal. It was a squeak. Gabe fell to the floor with his eyes wide-open and unconscious, as if he just saw some gay action.
I looked at that man and asked him: "What you do that FOR HUH?"
My cousin whispered to me: "Speak to him nicely, he is the boss of the ice cream place, they call him Nishanto Seon"
I awas curious of this man, being originally a foot washer from China and being able to figure out one's character by smelling their foot. I offered a bold proposal.
"Hey Nishanto! Let me smell your foot."
Him - "What??!! Whats wrong with you chinky boy?! You don't deserve to smell my foot, smell my ass instead, haha."
He probably thought of that as an insult. But I looked at it as a opportunity.
I said, "OK! I will!"
He first had a surprised expression on his hairy face. But then agreed and bent over and pulled down his pants. At that instant, I took my pen and shoved it somewhere that you wouldnt want anyone to. Seon roared in pain and starting flailing his arms everywhere and sprining his legs and shaking his head like he was at some demented curry festival. With foam starting spewing out of his mouth and somehow the whole scene resembled a Michael Jackson performance.
There he was lying on the floor unconcious. My cousin was so scared that she didnt know what to do and was panicking. Suddenly 10 huge and muscular mexican bodyguards came in with heavy machine guns.
I thought, "Oh mini cooper.. we're screwed for sure".
As the prepared to fire at us, and when I thought was the end of my life, I thought of an idea...
I had some change left over from yesterday; I threw a dime across the room.
that was the action that saved our lives. The attention of the them was diverted to the coin, and instead of shooting us, each of them dived for the dime. It was seriously like a mexican parade.
But then an asian guard, who seemed quite elite, barged though the door,on his named tag read "David Lee" and he said "You f'ing chink, get down on the floor rite now". I did that, and asked him:
"Sorry sir, but arent you chinese yourself".
"Don't talk mini cooper like that to me or ill put a cap in your ass." I suddenly remembered the rap song Gabe and I listened to yesterday to learn english. It was like "In da hood" by 2pac or something and it had a line "Everybody get your ass down or imma put a cap in it!".
I suddenly understood. He wasn't one of us, he was a black chink, a chigger.
Before I knew it I heard a gunshot, he fired a burst of his SMG straight at my chest. It hurt a lot, and I knew he was going to burst another round, and he did, but in a split second, I summoned my matrix/problem solving skills, and figured in a 3d coordinate, the bullet would approxmiately strike my chin in 3 seconds at (24.7,89.2, 12.0), and if i used an integral to calculate the arc length of the projectile, I could calculate the best direction to shift my face. I did an integral inside my head and my which told me to shift north with an angle of 29.57 to the horizontal. Oh mini cooper! I forgot force of air resistance causing the bullet to curve! But if i use my mouth to suck the bullet the force of sucktion would reverse the force air resistance and deem my original calculations correct. With a flash of insight, I dodged the bullet completely, though narrowly.
I did a downwards sweep kick and kicked David Lee off of his legs, but his c-walking and breakdancing skills cause him to not fall but stand on one arm, doing a windmill and the worm to use his feet to attack my face, which he successfully did, and finally doing a backflip kick, kicking me straight on the temple. At that moment, I lost my consciousness and knew that my life was in ...
deep jeopardy..
TO BE CONTINUED
